WE SAW RAW LIVE!!!
I HAVE LITTLE ELSE TO SAY…
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E
Last week we were at RAW, this past weekend I was at OTAKON, tonight I’m back in my comfortable chair surrounded by friends, or at least these people:
ERIC – Just a sip of the Mountain Dew…
MIKE – Sipping on his Quik Check soup…
LAURA – Eating her sub!
HERNANDEZ – Drinking on his slurpie…
JENNA – Just nuked some ravioli
BILL – Going hungry, but he shaved his head…
JEFFREY – Is never hungry, and he has a shaved head too!
And your host – The effable.. the delicious the fantasmagorical.. James Hatton, Me!
They are live in Graceland!
“I hope the Honky Tonk Man comes out…” – Mike
In the back, though it’s Shane and Vince dressed up like Elvis discussing how they dropped Shawn using Elvis puns.
“And this isn’t DX either..” – Eric
“They told DX to do this and they said… a little too gay…” – Me
“Can we see Naked Mideon please?” – Hernandez
Tonight though, Triple H takes on Umaga who is apparently nothing but a Hounddog… One thing we should all know is…
“Live from New York it’s Saturday Night??” – Mike
…Elvis has left the building.
“OOO THE INTRO THEME!” – Me
Also tonight Lawler faces against Orton too.
Right now, a cute Lillian wearing a tube top introduces for the Women’s Title Match! We see the live version of what happened last week.
“THAT’S what Mickey was wearing last week!?!?” – Me
“We should have stayed home…” – Bill
As a note, we were there live last week… and we were hanging from the ceiling.
MICKEY JAMES vs. TRISH STRATUS
Title Match!?!??!
So the lock up andddddd…….. EDGE’S THEME MUSIC!
He wants this all to end right now. From the match to the show, he wants it over.
“Yeah… stop the show!” – Bill
Edge tells Mickey to leave, and he is taking over Raw. He wants Trish to hear what he has to say though. He tells Trish he’s a two time WWE Champion…
“Trish didn’t know that.” – Me
Edge feels that the audience are mindless sheep, and he seems upset by the Summerslam poster. Well DX is right in the front, which is fun and original.
“Lita.. hold a hotdog..” – Me
“Is Owen on that poster?” – Bill
“Nah, Eddie is though” – Eric
“Floating in the pool” – Jenna
Edge does make a crack about how Batista’s in it ‘hopefully before he gets injured again’. Someone who is NOT on it though, is Edge. On the cover of the new WWE magazine, it’s a wet Trish Stratus! So once again, he’s been bypassed by someone who hasn’t won a match in a year. So he’s going to prove he’s better by…
“Beating Trish at Summerslam?” – Me
Lita takes the mic, “WaNnA KnOw WhAt HiS PrObLeM iS?”
“Her voice coach knows exactly what the problem is…” – Me
So they bip and Trish hits Lita… Lita spears Trish.
“We should be happy, Lita won a new move!” – Me
“No, she forgot the rest of them..” – Eric
Carlito runs in —
“Wearing a DX shirt!” – Bill
— he has an exchange with Edge, but then gets speared. Way to go Carlito!
As a note – tonight’s show is brought to you by Snakes On A Plane!!!
COMMERCIAL ONE – 9:14
So Nitro and Milena join us at ringside…. Milena does the split right on the announce table..
“JR.. give her a dollar” – Me
“What was that suction cup noise when she stood up?” – Hernandez
“Lawler… did you eat tuna? I swear I smell tuna?” – Me
So why is here .. oh, here comes Shelton Benjamin for a #1 Contender’s match..
PYRO TIME! It’s Kane!
“He took the mask back, how come he doesn’t have it?” – Hernandez
“SHHHHHH… it didn’t happen.. see GTV” – Me
“Like the res tof Kane’s storylines..” – Hernandez
SHELTON BENJAMIN vs. KANE
The IC #1 Contender’s Match
Shelty interrupts Kane’s entrance and hits a bad bulldog for two. Bell rings and Shelty tosses Kane to the corner – Shelty leaps, and Kane catches him and slams him down. Picks him up and as Shelty hits the ropes and tries to slide down under his legs, Kane catches him by the throat. Ouch.
So Kane begins to toss Shelty corner to corner, then to the ropes for the sideways slam. Kane up to the top rope and HITS the top rope clothesline.
He sets up for the chokeslam – grabs Shelty, but gets kicked in the knee. Shelton hits the ropes and gets into the chokeslam again. Picks him up and DDT’D DOWN by Shelton for two.
Shelton now begins to punch Kane, sets him up for a suplex.
“YEAH RIGHT!” – Eric
Yep, Kane just shoves him away into the corner. Shelty leaps to the top rope! Leaps INTO THE CHOKESLAM! HITS IT!
PIN – AND THAT’S IT!??!?! WOW! Kane Krushes Benjamin!
WINNER: KANE! Our #1 Contender for the IC belt!
COMMERCIAL TWO – 9:22
WWE was in Australia apparently… we have nothing to say about that.
Now it’s time for Cena to come out. The crowd actually seems pretty behind him, now let’s wait until the match begins to find out how behind him they are.. Hey, he’s grabbing the mic.
“This Edge guy.. I just don’t like him…” – Cena
“..I like Edge” – Me
Cena tries to explain that Edge’s life isn’t THAT bad. Cracks some STD jokes at Lita. Edge apparently will be also on the cover of Crying Bitch Illustrated… with an amusing Photoshop.
Cena then goes for the cheapest pop ever by saying he would love to win the title in.. Memphis, Tennessee… then calls out Edge.
“No gay jokes?” – Hernandez
“No.. that’s how Jamie gets respect..” – Eric
Hey, Coach is here now.
“Everytime I hear this song, I think of Teddy Long.” – Mike
“If only it was..” – Bill
“John Cena” – Coach
“Lemme talk to ya playah'” – Mike
“Holla Holla Holla” – Bill
He explains that Edge will NOT be out here tonight, because he will be teaming up with Lita to face Carlito and Trish..
Cena gets to face…. Big Visc……….
COMMERCIAL THREE – 9:34
“Is it ok to cheer for a Haas pop?” – Eric
“That is reaaalllly Meta Eric” – Me
“What’s wrong with Haas?” – Mike
“Nothing, but my question is, is it a Russ Haas pop when the crowd’s REALLY dead?” – Me
Cena in the ring with Viscera…
“He looks like a big grape?!” – Jenna
“Grimace?” – Hernandez
So Viscera slams down Cena, as a note – Viscera is dressed in a big purple outfit, but I”m sure I didn’t have to explain that.
Viscera squashes Cena and tosses him out, then makes eyes at Lillian.
He lays out Cena in the middle ring. And Visc goes for the pin for two. Cena gets up and hits the ropes – Visc catches him. Sets him up in a chinlock and fights out of it. He kicks him in the gut and starts the punches..
“AND THIS IS MCDONALDS! WENDYS!” – Jenna
Knees.
“SONIC!” – Eric
A snapmarish bit..
“CHECKERS!” – Jenna
Cena hits the ropes, but Viscera catches him for the black hole slam. Visc stares around the ring, and does a Rick Rude strut… misses the big splash and Cena gets up!
He picks up Visc for the F5 and wow.. ouch.. ends up being more of a fireman’s carry, but hey.. he did it!
WINNER: JOHN CENA
COMMERCIAL FOUR – 9:44
August 1980… we saw the Showdown at Shea!
Andre faced Hulk Hogan w/ Freddie Blassie
“Huggles!” – Hernandez
Backlund and Morales! I love those bits
In the back Vince is talking to security. Shawn Michaels apparently wants to hurt the McMahons… Security wants to stop them.
Trish also kissed Carlito! Sure.
Shane now talks to the Highlanders! Which promotes just laughter! He’s apparently looking for Shawn. Hey two girls… Torrie and Candice… they flirt with Shane.
Finally Shawn attacks Shane, and security drops him. That was easy.
COMMERCIAL FIVE – 9:52
wanton soup – chick mixed – cali
CHICKEN WITH BROCOLLI! CHICK WITH STRING BEANS!
Bento box w/ Chick Brocolli
The above is the reason why I missed that entire wrestling bit. Dani called and wanted me to order dinner… then called back and wanted me to change the order. Look, I even make ordering food exciting.
“HIT THE FUSION BENTO BOX!” – Hernandez
Shawn apparently hit an officer by accident.
“It’s an indy wrestler.. shut up..” – Hernandez
So the cops are taking Shawn to lock-up. Trips tries to explain to them that it’s an accident.
Here comes Edge though w/ Lita – and now Carlito and Trish!
“Lita might wrestle?” – Eric
“NO!” – Me
“I was hopeful.. she could get paralyzed again.” – Eric
Carlito starts with Edge, and the rules apparently are guys facing guys girls facing girls..
“Because we are SEXIST!” – Me
So Carlito faceplants Edge for two. Now Edge gets to his feet and retorts for all the beatings he just took by curbstomping Carlito… or at least kicking him a lot after a drop toe hold. He hits a standing dropkick on Carlito for two.
Edge chokes Carliro against the second rope. Back and forth punches, a high knee from Carlito… HIGH KNEEEE!!!! Edge bails and tags in Lita!
“BEAT HIS ASS LITA!” – Jeffrey
Carlito tags in a begging Trish. Leaping Thesz Press on Lita… nice air.
“Trish is knocking the color out of her air.” – Jenna
“Knocking the sperm out of her mouth” – Bill
Trish beats her down and chokes her against the rope with her boot. Tosses Lita to the corner, follows up with the Rana set-up, but Edge pushes her down… seemed kinda mean really. Lita hits a middlerope clothesline badly and a chinlock to Trish.
Now Lita chokes Trish – then knees her into the back – knees her in the tit. THe chant out of nowhere is.. EDGE IS GAY…
“We also don’t like gay people! So by association we apparently don’t like you!” – Bill
Lita picks up Trish by the legs and is shocked as her legs get caught into the corkscrew – in runs Carlito and synchronized dropkicks drops Edge and Lita outside the ring.
COMMERCIAL SIX – 10:04
Chinlock in the ring.. hey we must be back from commercial. Edge finally throws him into the corner – Carlito hits the top rope moonsault flip, goes for the backcracker, but Edge holds on and Carlito hits his back hard and rolls out for Lita to hit him.
Back in the ring, Edge sets him up in an underarm full nelson – Carlito drops for the jawbreaker and runs to the ropes to hit the second rope and the back elbow. Edge tags Lita – and Carlito gets Trish. Some stuff happens and Lita gets tossed up to the top turnbuckle – Carlito pushes Edge into the ropes drops Lita onto the turnbuckle.
“He bruised it” – Jenna
“Snitsky bruised it” – Hernandez
So Edge is apologizing to Lita and honestly there was one move that set it up for Edge to be ready to spear Carlito.. but Carlito moves and Edge hits Trish… viciously might I add. Carlito charges him and they land outside the ring to end with Trish getting pinned by Lita. I admit that was a horrible recap, but I swear to god I had to shut the Rabblites up as they had started discussing Power Rangers. Did you know that Tommy (The Green Ranger, and apparently the Red Ranger in Zeo) is in jail for killing a man?
It’s official – the Rabble are a bunch of dummies…
WINNER: EDGE & LITA
COMMERCIAL SEVEN – 10:12
In the back is Todd talking to Orton about how Hogan is injured… Where’s Maria?
Hey it’s..
“WOOOOO!” – Bill
This is Flair Country… he was BORN in Memphis.
“As far as he knows.” – Mike
Flair tries to throw Foley’s book and throws the mic..
“Why did he do that?” – Me
“He’s drunk.” – Mike
Flair wants to know what it is that makes Mick tick. He then drops the book and elbows it… stomps it.. rolling knee. THE BOOK IS OUT! THE BOOK IS OUT!
He then throws the book into the crowd.
“FREE BOOK!” – Me
“OW MY BABY!” – Bill
“..Jamie, they can’t read.” – Jeffrey
He then reads one page… Foley’s favorite matches… #1 – Ric Flair vs. Terry Funk.. I quit.
“GOODNIGHT!” – Eric
Here comes Foley! His little secret out to the public.
“I f*ck children” – Bill
“His greatest secret was in his book?” – Me
It’s actually that he used to be a Flair mark and now hates Flair more than he’s hated anyone. Summerslam would have a NEW main event. It would put the name Flair right back on top of the mountain where it belongs, and he just won’t allow that to happen.
Flair crushed Mick’s dreams… so he’s crushing Flair’s. He made a vow to never help out Ric Flair and he’s not helping him now.
“THIS WAS MY DREAM.. MY WISH… It didn’t come true.. I’m taking it back.. I’m taking it all back..” – Me
Here in Flair Country, Mick’s awesome speech… gets booed.
Ric asks him if he’s going to run away from the guts, the glory, the thumbtacks, the tables, the fire…. offering Mick the chance to have the greatest hardcore match of his life against Ric Flair. Flair now begs Mick to have the match.
Mick changes up his vows… they include facing Ric Flair in an I Quit match at Summerslam. Flair’s response…. WOOS! Mick stops his music.
“In a career filled with great matches, this may be your greatest of all. This may also be your last… you washed up piece of crap” – Mick
“May one of us bleed to death.” – Flair
“He’s made of nothing but blood” – Jeffrey
COMMERCIAL EIGHT – 10:30
“HEY!” – Bill
Orton’s here…
“Hey! Hey.. hey? HeY!?!?!” – All of us
“Mine?” – Bill
“MINE!” – Hernandez
“HEY!” – Bill
“HEY!” – Bill
…Lawler’s here… in his Liberace White outfit.
RANDY ORTON vs. JERRY LAWLER
Hey?
Lawler has lost some weight actually. Bell rings and Orton runs in with a back elbow, Lawler spins him around for a slap to the face. Orton throws Lawler to the ropes and back body drops him.
Orton throws him to the ropes again, Orton ducks and Lawler holds the rope to slap him again! Orton drops him with a dropkick and punches him in the face and moves right ot the headlock. Lawler elbows him out of it – then big fists and one huge one to drop him.
A bodyslam from Lawler for the huge crowd pop. He sets up for the fistdrop! Orton moves out of the way.
“Owww.. I skinned my knuckles..” – Bill
Orton goes for the RKO – and Lawler pushes him into the ref.. Orton stops himself turns around to kick Lawler in the nuts THEN hit the RKO for three.
WINNER: RANDY HEY ORTON
COMMERCIAL NINE – 10:40
Oh – in case you didn’t know – Jeff Hardy is returning.
“AND RELEASED AGAIN!” – Hernandez
Now it’s time for the diva contest… which one will be eliminated? Let’s take the responsible non offensive – non mysoginistic way possible…
Blue tits
Scary Spice tits
Plaid tits
Gartered tits
Tube top tits
Plaid tits is gone.
The end.
They let them talk… and we think they’re all drunk. JT is effed up on something else altogether though.
COMMERCIAL TEN – 10:53
…umaga is coming out…
“Pedigree annnnnd Done.” – Bill
“I hope he gets up like Ultimate Warrior” – Mike
DX music! Triple H is hereeeee…
UMAGA vs. TRIPLE H
…
Bell rings as Trips gets in – and fists to start.. knee to the gut. Headbutt from Umaga drops Hunter.
Umaga throws Hunter into the corner and he elbows out of it. He hits the rope – ducks a clothesline – and as Umaga charges him against the ropes, Hunter drops the rope and out they go.
After a minute or so Umaga gets in and starts to take control of the match. He hits a side leg kick to Hunter then a butt squash. He picks up Hunter and hangs him in the Tree of Woe, HUnter fights out of it. Umaga flies for the headbutt as Trips sits up for a nice spot actually….
Then Hunter squashes him. Gets a pin for two.
They fight to their feet and now the fisties start up. Triple H out of nowhere hits the flying crossbody. He hits a back bodydrop. He goes for the Pedigree – BACK BODYT DROP! Hunter gets up and charges hitting Umaga with the spinebuster! He hits the Pedigree. Gets the pin.. THE REF MELTS!
Actually Vince pulls him out… Shane comes in and gets beat. Vince comes in and gets hit. Umaga runs in and hits the throat spike….. the end.
WINNER: UMAGA
Just as we expected… Vince hits the pedigree.
That.. is how you say… That.
Let’s find out what the Rabble thought of the show:
“Eh…” – Eric
“Did nothing for me” – Mike
*Pulls her hat over her face* – Laura
“I think they should push Viscera harder… like off a cliff” – Hernandez
“I’m very indifferent, the speaking was better than the wrestling” – Jenna
“I shoulda brought my dog..” – Jeffrey
“meh..” – Bill
I concur with them all…
If when you see this – the Penny Candy isn’t here – check back later!
