The Monday Morning Flasher has tried to be off beat and funny, more often than not succeeding in spades on both counts. What many people don’t realize is that I have a PhD in Television and Violence, double majoring at the prestigious Phoenix Online Medical School. I have been Dr. TV (Television and Violence, not just Television, but don’t worry, lots of people make that mistake) for the past 9 years and have conducted numerous studies that have been mocked by the outside world. Nobody cared about the connection between Happy Days and jail rape. No one noticed when I put the pieces together and revealed that huge fans of Arrested Development who talked about it to their friends constantly were more likely to get sucker punched than anyone else on the planet. My life’s work a failure, I sullenly turned to comedy.
However, it was with great delight that I saw my seven year old study on the correlation between wrestling and ‘Date Fighting’ finally get the acknowledgement it deserved last week. Sure, WWE’s Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler mocked it on screen and the WWE released a statement calling it ridiculous. Of course they did that, I do not begrudge them. It shows they’re afraid of the results. There are many rumors and lies being tossed around and I’m going to clear them all up right now.
In this very special Monday Morning Flasher we will take a look at my study and answer all of the questions that have been burning up the IWC all week long. I know you’re cynical, but I beg you to bite your tongue and pay attention. This column may very well save your life, or more likely the life of your date.
What Is Date Fighting?
The first rule of date fighting? Don’t talk about date fighting. The second rule of date fighting? Ignore the first rule of date fighting and talk about date fighting as much as possible. Date fighting is the number three cause of bad dates, right behind date rape and Will Ferrell movies. Don’t get me wrong, Anchorman and Old School were hilarious, classics even, but the sentimental streak he has been on since has produced many terrible movies.
Date fighting is easy to define, except for the fact that it is very difficult to define. Date fighting consists of a man and a woman on a date. Just so everything is out in the open, I did not include gays in my study. In my opinion date fighting is a sacred institution that takes place between Adam and Eve, not Adam and Butch.
Once the man and the woman are on the date, date fighting takes place when the man and woman begin fighting. It could be an argument, a disagreement, a difference of opinion, a verbal dispute, or an angry discussion. It could also be a knock down drag out brawl. This does not include a man just hitting a woman and she pussies out and cries or something. Date fighting, when violent, is about a guy and a girl equally kicking each other’s ass.
I know what you’re thinking. ‘Dr. TV, that’s retarded.’ Well no. No it isn’t. You’re retarded for saying that. Date fighting is prevalent in our society. I learned this the hard way.
I first discovered date fighting while on a date with Jennifer Mooten, professional wrestling fan and bank teller. It was going great until wrestling was brought up. She told me she was a huge fan of Hulk Hogan, and I told her I thought Hulk Hogan was destroying professional wrestling and anyone who liked Hulk Hogan was a selfish cunt. The next thing I knew she had thrown a drink in my face and slapped me, so I threw my drink in her face and slapped her back. She kicked me in the groin, and I’m man enough to admit that I went down and stayed there as she peed on me.
After she left and I grabbed a napkin from the table of the Olive Garden we were in and cleaned myself off, I realized that it was professional wrestling that had led to our date fight. I was on a deadline and my study on how Meet the Press leads to knife fights wasn’t panning out. I knew what I had to do, not just for my sake but for the sake of the children of the world. I had to do a study.
What Is The Study?
The study consisted of me and my Filipino assistant, Hoo-Ra Yforgrut calling up different households picked randomly from the phone book. Hoo-Ra doesn’t speak any English, so he focused on mostly Filipino homes. The following were the questions in the survey:
1. Do you or anyone in your household watch professional wrestling?
(If the wrestling fan is not the person on the phone)
2. May I speak to that person?
3. When will they be home?
4. Could you have them call me back?
5. Do you have a pen on you?
6. Could you read that number back to me?
(If the fan is on the phone)
7. Do you go on dates?
8. How often do you go on dates?
9. Really? That seems like a lot of dates for a professional wrestling fan.
10. That’s okay. I completely understand. We all want to look like big men, don’t we?
11. On the few dates you’ve gone out on, have you ever been involved in a date fight?
12. It doesn’t have to be physical violence. Have you ever had an argument with a date?
13. Come on! We’ve all had at least one argument with a date, right?
14. Great! Thanks! Can I have your full name please?
15. Thank you. Can I have your social security number?
16. Don’t worry, it’s just to verify you’re an American citizen. You are an American citizen, right? I’ve got a few friends in the INS.
17. Thank you. Now I just need a credit card number if you don’t mind?
18. You seem awfully belligerent. Do I need to call the FBI?
19. Thanks. Can I get the expiration date?
20. Hello? Hello?
The results were shocking. We’ll find out what the results are right after this.
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Thanks to our new sponsor, Dr. Pepper, currently embarking on a Japanese advertising campaign. Doesn’t translate so well to English.
The Results
Five people responded to our survey, and all of them had been involved in at least one date fight. Counting myself, that makes six. Let us break down the math.
6 out of 6 fans of professional wrestling had been involved in a date fight. That’s 100% percent.
As you can see, the math is all right there. Incontrovertible evidence that wrestling and date fights go hand in hand.
Conclusions
Wrestling causes date fights.
Arguments Against Conclusion
There aren’t any. Go back up and check out the math.
People Who Still Aren’t Buying It
Have you checked out the math? Go back and check it out again. 6 out of 6.
Look, I presented my study, my findings, and my methods. All are rock solid. Professional wrestling turns dates into slugfests. I want you all to think very difficultly about this. I want you to think about what you’re risking when you go out on a date with a girl or guy. I want you to consider how it could turn out in the end. I want you to think that maybe the only road you can go down is to stop going on dates with female professional wrestling fans. I want you to hope that you can overcome this disease. I hope you can. I do. I swear I do. I love you all. God bless.
