What a Summerslam last night! Truly, it was a sight to behold. Either that or it was completely awful. It really depends upon your perspective.
What a coincidence! I’m so glad you brought up perspective. Hi, I’m GRUT, the Monday Morning Flasher, and today we’re going to be talking about perspective and how it relates to wrestling. Perspective can make a rich man a beggar and a beggar a hobo. Perspective can make Umaga the most dominant force in professional wrestling today, or it can make him a former 3-Minute Warning member who sucks no matter how much face paint he puts on or how many stupid thumbs he pretends to jab into the necks of his opponents. Perspective is a magical, marvelous noun or adjective, and today the Monday Morning Flasher is all up in its hot sauce.
The Monday Morning Flasher Presents: A Perspective On Perspective: One Man’s Perspective.
The column sucks.
Wait! No it doesn’t! This column is awesome!
What you just read was a conversation going on all across the country in reference to this column. As you can see, not everyone realizes just how amazing this column is. Some view it as less than good, while others think it is the greatest work of literature ever put to paper. This is an example of differentiating perspectives.
One could argue that we could not apply this to professional wrestling. That person is a douche-bag. Of course we can take a look at how perspective affects professional wrestling, and we can begin with Internet favorite and drug-free vagabond, CM Punk.
CM Punk: Ass Raped By Perspective.
CM Punk was a main eventer for Ring Of Honor, a wrestling show that promotes solely on the Internet and was founded by a child molester. He and Samoa Joe tore the house down throughout high school gyms and county fairs across the country, selling dozens and dozens of DVDs in the process. When the time had finally come for CM Punk to leave and go to a place where people would actually see him wrestle, he bid a fond goodbye to ROH and got on a plane to Stamford. The ROH fans chanted OVW at Punk as he exited, but he knew he was bound for an immediate spot on Raw. Little did he know that perspective was lying in wait for him.
CM Punk was very proud of his first match for WWE. He thought he had put forth a very good effort and separated himself from the pack. Meanwhile, two very powerful men who had nothing to gain from ruining this young man’s career were watching the match backstage. They were Shawn Michaels, born again Christian and former injury faker, and Triple H, son-in-law to the boss and glass ceiling builder extraordinaire. They had heard that CM Punk was the future, an amazing professional wrestler with outstanding charisma who would one day surely take over their spot. While some were impressed with CM Punk, perspective cast a magical spell over the two future and past and at the moment present DX members and caused them to hate CM Punk and everything he stood for. Having never used steroid, CM Punk did not have a typical wrestler’s build (Chris Masters) and the two men saw him as scrawny. They saw his tattoos as ridiculous and his move set as too independent. While CM Punk has impressed around fifty people at a time at electronic store openings across the country with his work rate, the former Klique members were convinced Punk couldn’t work to save his life.
Their bout of perspective so forceful, Triple H and Shawn Michaels ran back and forth or to and fro backstage telling everyone within earshot how badly CM Punk sucked. When word somehow reached Stephanie McMahon, Triple H’s wife, the decision was made to indeed send CM Punk to OVW. He cried, he pleaded, some say he even peed himself, but the decision was reached to ship Punk off to Kentucky to learn how to be a better wrestler. Even today CM Punk is stuck in the newly reborn ECW, only appealing to the few Internet savvy backwoods wrestling fans who saw him wrestling Colt Cabana in a Church basement in Iowa. It was not Triple H and Shawn Michaels who did this to CM Punk, it was none other than perspective, the cruel maiden of whimsy.
Perspective is not always evil however. Positive perspective striking the right person at the right time has allowed us to see the Mark Henry push, Mr. McMahon use the N-word on PPV and the quick end to the lousy Chris Benoit title reign. As much as perspective ass-rapes, it also blows in spades.
That’s about enough of the perspective of people who actually matter to wrestling. Let’s talk about the fans.
The Internet And The Influencing Of Perspective.
Let us clear up a misconception immediately before proceeding. Contrary to popular belief, the perspective of the fans of the product do not matter to professional wrestling organizations, at least not to the professional wrestling organizations that matter (hint: only one does). If we have a kindly perspective on the goings on, then their plan worked. If not, we are idiots who do not have the right perspective. While some people can challenge this claim based on the recent disposal of Fake Kane based on fan reaction, I counter with the tandem of Mike Knox and Test in ECW, as well as Shannon Moore in ECW, as well as the continued existence of Sylvian.
Therefore we have to step away from how the organization tries to influence the fans and instead focus on how we as Internet journalists change the perspectives of our audiences. Let’s have a look at a recent Scott Keith review of a match from Judgment Day :
– Melina v. Jillian Hall.
And then for a contrast to the last match, there’s this one, as Hall gets a Thesz press and you immediately see a foot of air between her punches and Melina’s head. They fight onto the floor and Melina kicks Hall into the stairs, and takes over with some kicks back in the ring. Melina goes to a bodyscissors and that goes on for a while. Faceplant gets two. Melina chokes her out and throws some nice boots in the corner, but a splash hits knee. Jillian comes back with forearms and a rollup out of the corner for the pin.
(Jillian d. Melina, rollup — pin, 4:17, 1/2*) Just your standard women’s match.
Now let us hear from Sally Pickles of Amsterdam, NY.
Hi. I’m 14 year old Sally Pickles, an adorable school girl and hardcore professional wrestling fan. I recently discovered the Internet, having spent most of my life in Amish country. Before I knew what Scott Keith thought of the Melina vs. Jillian Hall match, it was my favorite of all time. I loved the way the women hit each other and kicked each other and stuff. It also turned me on for some reason. I don’t know, I didn’t really learn too much about lesbianism growing up, but my home room teacher recently has been talking to me after class and she keeps touching my leg a little bit higher each time. Maybe I’m crazy, but it does something to me. She’s only like twenty years older than me, and where I’m from a lot of the men had child brides. Everything about the situation makes me think it’s wrong, but I want it oh so badly to be right. I want her to teach me more than math and science, I want her to teach me who I am inside and what to do with my body. It must all be in my head. I must be insane.
Please don’t publish the part about my teacher. I don’t know why I wrote it. I guess I don’t know you and it’s easier to tell these things to a stranger.
After I read Scott Keith’s review of the match, I realized just how awful it was. Now instead of liking it, I hate it. Going through his archives, Scott Keith seems to really dislike all women’s matches. The guy really seems to dislike women. He probably hates me too. I don’t know what I ever did to Scott to piss him off, but I want him to know that not all women are evil. Thank you.
PERSPECTIVE! HA! Do you see the power of the Internet now? Scott Keith’s perspective of the Jillian/Melina match convinced Sally Pickles that her perspective was wrong. It is not just Scott Keith, I am guilty of this practice as well. I have convinced many readers that Umaga is the greatest wrestler in the world and Tatanka is on the sauce. These items are just my perspective, but by presenting them as the way they are it makes people think that this is the way it is. I feel just awful for playing my part in all of this, but on the other hand am I not entitled to share my perspective with the world? Am I some kind of f*cking jerk with a limp dick? Am I no better than the little lesbian who is so easily swayed by Scott Keith? The hell with that! The day you monkeys stop clamoring for my perspective is the day I shall stop shining it down upon you. I am a hero for doing this.
Conclusion.
In conclusion, perspective is something that we all have, yet none of us can completely control. It is what separates us from the beasts, yet causes us to become beasts ourselves. Or does it? That completely depends upon your perspective.
Yeah, that’s a great last line for the article. Sends them home with something to think about. God I’m a good writer, and so attractive too. Man, this piece is going to win me a Pulsey. At least I hope it does. It definitely would have been good enough for a 411mania award. Still, I gotta wonder where I’d put another trophy for my writing. The garage is filled up, my trophy room has been filled up since college… screw it. I’ll put it in the powder room. Nothing like looking at my awards for writing when I’m doing a couple of lines of powder.
Hmm. Chinese food or pizza? Thai maybe? Nah, shouldn’t get fancy.
