I am not going to talk about the Kurt Angle situation. The spin is going on right now, and we all know that we can’t believe anything that anyone says. I’ll wait a few weeks until Da Meltz can get the real story out of someone inside WWE, because there’s a great deal more here than people are willing to say right now. Any speculation is futile.
Instead, let’s talk about what’s happening at the Reno-Tahoe Open. While the eyes of golf fans are firmly fixed on Akron and its little WGC event, there’s been some eye-popping stuff going on with the guys who didn’t qualify. On Thursday, Will MacKenzie nailed three (yes, three) eagles in his round, a rare feat indeed. But something rarer happened on Friday, something so rare that it had never happened before in a PGA Tour event. Yusaku Miyazato, who’s better known to golf fans as Ai’s big brother, became the first player in tour history to nail two aces in a single round. His pair of balls are headed to the Hall of Fame. Maybe I’ll try to catch the final round of this one Sunday instead…oh, who am I kidding? Tigger let everyone back into the field by bogeying four consecutive holes on Saturday, and it’s a close one at the Bridgestone.
Oh, hell, back to wrestling for a bit, I guess…
THE ECW SHORT FORM
Match Results:
Sandman, Tommy Dreamer, and Special Guest Bimbo The Ten-Buck Tramp over Test, Mike Knox, and Kelly Kelly, Mixed Tag Match (Pinfall, Dreamer pins Knox, Dreamer DDT): In order to avoid becoming the nine billionth guy to write his amazement about Dreamer actually winning a match (really, how long has it been? Last year’s One-Night Stand?), I’ll talk about something else. Everyone knows how much I hate your average wrestling fan. They gave me another reason to do so with this match. They started up a “You Can’t Wrestle” chant against Knox. Now, get this: Mike Knox is in a match with the following people: Sandman, Tommy Dreamer, Test, Torrie Wilson, and Kelly Kelly. Yet the crowd singles HIM out for not being able to wrestle? If this were the Bingo Hall, the chant would have been kept up throughout the entire match and directed at everyone. Next time, strive for something less ironic, please.
Let the booty hit the floor
Kevin Fertig over Balls Mahoney, Extreme Rules Match (Pinfall, top-rope-assisted neckbreaker): Oh, come on. That’s “Extreme Rules”? Bullshit. One chair and a cane does not Extreme Rules make. Where the hell’s the barbed wire, the tables, the bloodshed…you know, the good stuff? Next.
Gotta ask Lucard if vampires are vulnerable to foot odor
CM Punk over CW Anderson (Submission, Anaconda Vise): Yeah, I’ll join the crowd on this one. He’ll always be CW to us, and it’s great to see him back in action, even if it’s to job on the altar of Punk. I just wish Anderson was allowed a little more offense. He’s a good mat-based wrestler, if memory serves, and he’d mesh well with Punk in a match that was given time. Maybe a rematch? Look, Justin Asshole got one. CW deserves no less.
I thought he’d save the Top-Rope Tarantula Titty-Twister for an Extreme Rules match
Rob Van Dam over Danny Doring (Pinfall, Five-Star Frog Splash): Glad to see that Van Dam still remembers how to do his formula WWE match despite being in ECW now (yes, I know, but it’s just for the sake of semantics). Unfortunately, Doring demonstrated how much he really needs Roadkill by his side. As a tag team, those two are infinitely more interesting than as singles wrestlers. Of course, Doring was forced to be used as bitch fodder for Bob Holly. Actually, he should be honored to be doing that, considering that there was a good chance we’d never see Holly in the ring ever again (and a decent chance that we’d never see Holly alive again at one point). Frankly, it’s really good to see him. He’s definitely going to be an asset here.
How nice of Doring to help Van Dam with his stretching regimen
The Big Show over Sabu, World Title Rematch (DQ, Let’s Have A Ding Dong): I didn’t care about this match on Sunday. As far as I know, no condition has changed in the two days since that has caused me to change my mind. Kudos to TBS, though, for taking those…hell, I lost count…eight bell shots, was it? Yeah, Sabu didn’t bother to disguise some of them as being light taps, but that wasn’t TBS’s fault. Sabu didn’t blow a spot during the match, so he had to blow something, and the bell shots were it.
Ring ropes are supposed to flex a bit. Stomachs are not.
Angle Developments:
With Survivor Series and December To Dismember far away on the calendar, obviously there isn’t much development to be had. In other words, I’m going to cop out again with screen caps only.
“Seriously, this acupressure stuff really works, Paul…”
You’re in good hands with Allstate
Bob’s trying to figure out which he’d prefer: ECW or MRSA
Ever since he copped a feel off Scorpio during this week’s dark match, he can’t get that expression off his face
THE IMPACT SHORT FORM
Match Results:
Alex Shelley and Johnny Devine over Chase Stevens and Andy Douglas (Pinfall, Devine pins Stevens, rollup): Kind of a weird booking decision here. Normally you expect that if someone is crowned Number One Contender, they’d go over in their next match if it isn’t the title challenge. However, Shelley (and by consequence Devine) is getting pushed heavily, so he can’t be made to look weak. Besides, they can get away with it due to Shane Fuckin’ Douglas and his ability to carry off his coach act. So, no, I’m not complaining here. It’s just unusual booking that you have to look at closely to understand, plus it had a nice little match attached to it.
They may have cameras, but they don’t have eyes in the backs of their heads
Abyss over Cassidy Riley (Pinfall, Black Hole Slam): Cassidy Riley is still employed by TNA? Is he still a follower of Raven, or did I miss something? I must have answers to these questions.
Mitchell has yet to learn that you do NOT abuse the Batphone under any circumstance
Homicide and Hotstuff Hernandez over A. J. Fuckin’ Styles and Christopher Fuckin’ Daniels, Tag Title Street Fight Equivalent (Pinfall, Homicide pins Daniels, bulldog through table, New Tag Champions): Okay, great match here. Hernandez is less of a weak link than I thought he’d be. But the fact that Low Ki is in the company will forever be an irritant whenever Sheremetyevo has a match. I just can’t get over that little impediment. Good booking, though, since it allows for two critical things: that the Naturals can play face in their title shot, and that A. J. and Chris can get back to the X Division in order to revive it from its current depredations. Do it, now.
Styles had the scampi, Hernandez had the onion rings, and both forgot the breath mints
Angle Developments:
Deity Difficulties: Memo to Christian: Continue in that vein for one more promo, and I’ll sue you for Gimmick Infringment. Or strike you down with a bolt of lightning. There can only be one god in wrestling, and I’ve already claimed that position. For interrupting that promo, I am, by the way, considering Rhiyno for sainthood. Having been part of ECW at its bitter end, he’s already qualified under the Martyr Of Charity clause.
“And now, the end is near…”
THE SMACKDOWN SHORT FORM
Match Results:
FudgePacker over a fudge-packer’s brother (Pinfall, neckbreaker): Oh, please, like you expect me to watch this, especially with Novocaine Helms on commentary. Of course, as The Proud Graduate Of Dartmouth His Own Self demonstrates, different strokes for different folks:
I’ve always been a much bigger Helms fan than you are – it’d be hard not to be – but damn if he didn’t do an excellent job on commentary on the Hardy-Kennedy match. Of course, JBL is fantastic – and this is the first time I’ve heard him for any length of time – but Helms does a nice job with the commentary.
No, El, no. Every time Helms opens his mouth, the first and only thing that comes to my mind is “white trash”. Nearly a decade in wrestling and he hasn’t attempted to tone down his accent. He has the conceptual part of the art of the promo down perfectly, but with that backwoods accent, you just can’t take him seriously. You and I are graduates of schools in the Top Ten on US News and World Report’s list. How can you just accept this?
Meh
Sylvester Terkay over Tatanka (Pinfall, side kick to face): So, Chris Chavis is getting a big mid-card push, with the possibility of a heel turn implicit due to being screwed over by the refs (although I’d attempt to keep him face while going through this). Why is this happening? Why is this forty-something doughy guy getting this huge push? There’s only two reasons I can think of. The first is Steph’s well-known fetish for early-90s WWF. The second is that this is an apology for early-90s WWF, where they really screwed the pooch on his push back then. I’m hoping it’s the second, because the ramifications for the first are too dire.
A preview for Season 4 of Deadwood
Paul London over KC James (DQ, Pitbull-ference): All I know is this: despite no one involved being identifiably heterosexual except for Kid Kash, I am really looking forward to this tag-team Triple Threat that they’re setting up. If they’re trying to attract some disaffected X Division fans, this is definitely a way to do it. If Edge/Cena next month wasn’t going to be TLC, it’d be perfect for these guys. Well, I’m sure they’ll come up with some form of alternate mayhem for them.
He ain’t heavy, he’s Hepple’s lover
Kristal Marshall over Jillian Hall (Pinfall, rollup): Yes, the women’s training is progressing nicely. Marshall was an embarassment in the ring a month ago. Now she can hang with someone who’s trained for a long time like Hall. The thing is, now that the training’s at this level, how about working on finishers for the women? Half of the women’s matches in WWE end via rollup. If they have the athletic skills (and apparently they do), get them a finisher to go with them.
Well, Hall’s chakras definitely needed some realignment anyway…
Vito over Sylvain Grenier (Submission, keylock): Another not-bad match from Grenier. What’s gotten into these people? Oh, yeah, the Wellness Program. They now know that they can’t get over on physique alone, so they’re now concentrating on match skills. Unintended consequences are sometimes the best.
Well, that’s one way to stop someone
DAVE and Bobby Lashley over Booker T, Mister Finlay, and Mister Regal, Handicrap Main Event (Pinfall, DAVE pins Booker, spinebuster): Well, that was a rather harmless diversion. Quick, painless, and satisfying for the live audience. You can’t really complain about something like that except on the basis of lack of substance. But, hell, it’s hot out here, so I don’t mind something a little less filling. Helps the digestion, you know.
DAVE is getting sick of everyone telling him that he has to be carried
Angle Developments:
He’s got a knighthood, but the damn fool won’t wear it
Do I get an extra point for calling Vickie’s heel turn in the SummerSlam Round Table?
A Big Swinging Wang: Okay, so Jimmy Yang needed some repackaging. He’s pretty much been through every Oriental stereotype WWE has to offer, so maybe this particular approach is good. I just can’t help wondering if this might be the prelude to that Yung Dragons reunion that we’ve all been wanting. Noble’s still a redneck, now Yang’s a redneck…no, I’m afraid that Yang will end up with Trevor Murdoch before Noble. And that’s not something we want to see.
Why not just call him “Hop Sing” and get it over with?
Okay, I know for a fact that I should have something up on Sunday, but exactly what it is will be a surprise. Until then, enjoy yourselves.
