The Chrononaut Chronicles: TNA iMPACT! — Thursday, August 31, 2006
– A video recap reminds us what happened last week: Jarrett promised a “public execution” for this week, Christian bloodied Rhino, and LAX won the World Tag Team Title.
– Moody Jack Melendez introduces the new NWA World Tag Team Champions Homicide & Hernandez along with Konnan as they come to the ring. Konnan dedicates the championship victory to the Latino Nation: the 500 million legal and illegal, their mothers, and the great Latino wrestlers like Pedro Morales, Mil Mascaras, Carlos “Carlito Sr.” Colon, Tito Santana, and Los Guerreros. Hey, what about Razor Ramon? The crowd pops when he mentions Eddie Guerrero, so Konnan rectifies that by stating that they don’t need any of that “fake applause” (are you listening, Rey?) and reminds the gringos that LAX hates them. Konnan defies anybody to try to stop them, so Christopher Daniels & AJ Styles appear on the ImpacTron. The Fallen Angel announces that they are exercising the rematch clause at No Surrender, and the Phenomenal One adds that it will be the first-ever tag team Ultimate X match. That should be pretty awesome. Tenay orgasms over the announcement as we go to the usual Impact opening video.
– Petey Williams & Senshi vs. Chris Sabin & Jay Lethal
Tenay points out that Senshi & Petey were opponents in the three-way at Hard Justice and reminds us that Sabin will challenge Senshi for the X Division Championship at No Surrender. Just to hammer home how meaningless the X Division is, Tenay & West talk about Jeff Jarrett and tonight’s 10,000 Thumbtacks match until Sabin blocks the Canadian Legsweep and Lethal springboards in with a dropkick on Senshi. Lethal hits the Mr. Perfect rolling necksnap on Petey and Sabin follows with a seated dropkick to the back of the neck as we go to break.
When we come back, Senshi hits the release kick on Lethal for a two-count and tags Petey, who performs the “O Canada” nutpress as the fans actually sing along. Petey levels Lethal with a leg lariat for two and tags Senshi, but Lethal catches the X Champion in the hiptoss/cartwheel dropkick combo and makes the tag to Sabin while Senshi tags Petey. Sabin clotheslines Petey and Lethal dropsaults Senshi, backing the X Champion into the corner and hanging Williams upside-down in front of him as Sabin springboards off Lethal’s back and connects with the hesitation dropkick to Petey’s face. Nice spot, but Petey kicks out and Sabin hits Senshi with a sliding kick to the floor. Sabin lifts Petey for the Cradle Shock, but Senshi pulls Petey down and eats a leg lariat from Sabin. Petey sets up the Canadian Destroyer but Sabin escapes and shoves Petey into Senshi, who just stands by and watches as Sabin lifts Petey in a Razor’s Edge and flips him over for a DDT on the way down to earn the three-count. Afterwards, Senshi looks disgustedly at Petey.
– A vignette airs on the “Bobby Roode Sweepstakes” as the former Canadian Enforcer announces that he’ll be bringing the interview process to Impact next week. We see photos of some guy I assume must be a basketball coach and (I think…sorry, it’s been a while since I paid much attention to sports) baseball manager Joe Torre as Roode claims he’ll be going outside the box to make someone a lot of money.
– A commercial for the new TNA Knockouts DVD, which is available now. I’m not really into Divas-type stuff, but that looks hot. Even mi Mamacita thinks so.
– “Showtime” Eric Young vs. Shark Boy
Eric offers the Hand of Friendship and Shark Boy accepts as the fans applaud and Eric looks pleased with himself. They exchange some classic wrestling holds before running off the ropes and Sharky drops Eric’s face across his knee. Sharky charges into the corner for the Sharkbite, but Eric moves and seizes the opportunity to bite the Shark instead. West notes that’s the first time we’ve seen that, and I think he’s right. Sharky comes back with a neckbreaker for a two-count as Larry Zbysko is watching at ringside. Sharky goes for the Dead Sea Drop, but Eric blocks it and plants Sharky with the wheelbarrow neckbreaker for the 1-2-3.
Afterwards, Showtime helps Shark Boy up while Dirty Earl Hebner runs in and tries to attack referee Slick Johnson, but TNA Security pull him out. Earl goes to the announce table and shouts that he has something to tell the world, but Zbysko ushers him away as he screams that he won’t take the fall for Larry or Jarrett. When they show Eric leaving, the cameraman does the “eye to eye” hand motion, which is kinda cool and different.
– A video package recaps Christian’s heel turn and his assault on Rhino last week.
– Jeremy Borash interviews Christian Cage, who claims that he had to teach Sting and Rhino a lesson and will continue to do so until everyone in TNA realizes that he is the biggest star in the company and they’re all along for the ride. Ron Killings interrupts and points out that long before Cage arrived, TNA gave him an opportunity and he became a two-time NWA Champion, but he didn’t make any excuses when he lost. The Truth suggests that Christian isn’t man enough to handle Sting, Rhino, or himself and Christian claims that if this gets physical, it won’t be the first time he’s kicked a hip-hop poser’s ass. He couldn’t be referring to John Cena, could he? Truth responds that he doesn’t imitate, he demonstrates, and fires off a right hand as Cage and Killings brawl until TNA Security pull them apart.
– The “A Starr Is Born” Bound For Glory graphic is shown again.
– A video package shows clips from the Runt/Abyss match at Hard Justice and features comments from James Mitchell to build up tonight’s Match of 10,000 Thumbtacks.
– 10,000 Thumbtacks: Abyss vs. Brother Runt
There are bags of thumbtacks on poles in two of the corners and large trays of tacks on the stage as ring announcer David Penzer informs us that the only way to win is to put your opponent into the thumbtacks. Runt rams head-first into Abyss’ midsection as soon as he hits the ring and lands the Acid Drop before scrambling up and retrieving a bag of tacks, which he uses to club the Monster. Abyss bails out and Runt empties the bag in the ring as Raven watches from the bleachers. Runt dives off the apron, but Abyss catches him and crunches him against the ringpost. Abyss goes off to set up a table near the stage while Runt crawls up the ramp and Mitchell stomps him on his way to help the Monster. Abyss and Mitchell place the tray of thumbtacks on the table as we go to break.
Upon our return from commercial (including an ad for a Raising The Roofs marathon on Labor Day starting at 9pm…what the f*ck? That total shitstain of a program gets a primetime marathon, but SpikeTV couldn’t give that slot to TNA?), Abyss has stacked up another table on top of the first table as he and Mitchell place the other tray of thumbtacks on top. Abyss hoists up Runt for a powerbomb off the stage, but Runt fights out and they brawl down the ramp as Tenay announces that Christian will face Truth next week. Back in the ring, Abyss tries to stomp Runt’s head into the tacks, but Runt moves and goes for the Acid Drop. However, Abyss counters by slamming Runt into the thumbtacks to win the first-ever Match of 10,000 Thumbtacks. Well that was pretty disappointing for such a heavily-hyped match, although the tacks stuck all over Runt’s arms and back look pretty nasty.
Afterwards, Abyss drags Runt up the ramp and presses him overhead, threatening to drop him down through the tables he set up earlier, but Raven pulls Runt down and scuffles with Abyss before nailing him with a big kneelift that sends Abyss crashing off the stage through the two tables with the two trays of thumbtacks on them. Great visual. Raven glares with his new yellow contact-lens eyes and lifts Runt across his shoulders as he assumes the crucifix pose while Abyss spasms amidst the wreckage on the floor.
– Of course, just so we don’t get too interested in something that Jeff Jarrett isn’t involved in, three masked militants carrying guns (on loan from Muhammad Hassan perhaps) make their way out for Jarrett’s public execution while Raven’s music is still playing as we go to break.
– When we come back, we get a video package detailing the Jarrett/Sting saga. Because the falling ratings mean that viewers want MORE of this shit. Jarrett says the fans who throw things at him are “ungrateful SOBs” and he doesn’t understand why TNA would listen to the fans. Actually Jeff, it’s pretty obvious they’re not, but whatever.
– Jeff Jarrett makes his way to the ring, which contains the three gunmen, a tombstone, a little table with red tablecloth, and a hangman’s noose hanging from the ceiling. A “fan” throws a bottle at Jarrett as he poses on the apron, so he orders TNA Security to remove the young man and they do, even though he’s not the owner or anything. No sir. Jarrett claims he’ll whip any man, 6 kids, or 15 women because that’s how they do things on Planet Jarrett. The NWA World Champion goes over his options for capital punishment in regards to Sting’s career, but decides that the pen is mightier than the sword and signs the contract for “Career vs. Title” at Bound For Glory. Jarrett predicts that October 22 will be Sting’s final match, but he’s interrupted by the ringing of the Batphone at the announce table. Don West finally answers the phone and it’s Jim Cornette, who is sick of Jarrett’s whining and crying and announces that next week, Jarrett will be on public trial. Cornette states that Jarrett will have to take a polygraph test and offers him an opportunity: if JJ passes the test, he can sit out and train like Sting until Bound For Glory, but if he fails, the fans will have a chance to get even with him. Cornette wonders if Jarrett has more to fear from Sting in the ring or the fans outside the ring as the NWA Champion looks worried.
– The “Adrenaline Rush” video recap closes the show. Surprisingly, Jarrett isn’t included and the last thing we see is Raven’s face.
Afterthoughts: Not the greatest Impact of all time by any means. I still find TNA’s cast of characters more realistic and entertaining than WWE, but the show quality seems to be dropping slightly each week. There’s nothing offensive or embarrassing, but nothing really stood out either and having Jarrett in the Main Event Segment is not good. It’s too bad, because Jarrett’s promo was actually pretty good and I believe that if he could just wrench himself away from the NWA Title and out of the spotlight, more people would appreciate what he brings to the table. It’s a similar situation to JBL, except that JBL wasn’t the head booker and part-owner of the company. No Samoa Joe for the second week in a row (nor even a mention indicating an appearance next week…way to f*ck up a sure thing, TNA), LAX were non-existent after the first five minutes, and I hope TNA re-signs Kevin Nash because I’m really missing those Paparazzi Productions segments.
I’m digging the Abyss/Runt/Raven stuff because I really like all three guys and Raven’s new look is growing on me. I’m interested in the Bobby Roode angle to see where they go with it, and Christian/Truth should be a really good match next week if they’re given enough time. God forbid they cut into the Jarrett/Sting buildup time. I still hold out hope for a two-hour timeslot, but it doesn’t look promising with the recent ratings drop and I have a nagging fear that they’d just devote more time to Jarrett/Sting rather than fleshing out the other characters or having longer matches. I hate to say it, but TNA is starting to lose me so I really hope they can turn things back around. Anyway, thanks for reading and I’ll see you in the future.
