The Chrononaut Chronicles: TNA iMPACT! — Thursday, September 14, 2006
– A video recap reminds us of last week‘s polygraph results and Cornette’s Jarrett/Joe announcement for No Surrender before the usual Impact opening.
– After Don West & Mike Tenay hype the Hangman’s Horror match for tonight, we see a really well-done video package to build up the first-ever Tag Team Ultimate X. Daniels calls the Ultimate X a great equalizer since it’s their style of match, and Styles states that it will be the ultimate test for LAX.
– Kazarian & Maverick Matt vs. AJ Styles & Christopher Daniels
Brief clips are shown of Kazarian and Styles in Ultimate X #4, which is neat to see since TNA don’t often reference their pre-SpikeTV history. Daniels and Kazarian go through a nice exchange until the Fallen Angel hits the heelkick for a two-count, but Kazarian kicks Daniels and tags Maverick Matt, who gets caught in an armwringer. Styles tags in and works over the arm before dropkicking Matt for two and tagging Daniels back in. We get a cool double-team sequence where Styles sits on the turnbuckles and Daniels throws Bentley’s back against AJ’s knees, then AJ jumps off the middle buckle and faceplants Matt on Daniels’ knees. That gets two, but Mazarian take the advantage when Matt tags and slingshots Kazarian in with a clothesline on Daniels for two. They tag again and Bentley grips Daniels in a neckvice as we go to break.
When we come back, Mazarian control Daniels until the Fallen Angel levels Matt with the STO and makes the hot tag to Styles, who drops Kazarian with a cool backbreaker out of a fireman’s carry for two. Inverted Clash gets a near-fall and Daniels hiptosses Kazarian over the top rope before the Phenomenal Angels deck Matt with the Hi-Lo. Daniels slams Kazarian with a uranage and lands the Best Moonsault Ever, followed by Styles with the frogsplash on Kazarian for the 1-2-3. Good little tag match that would have meant more if they’d built up Mazarian’s characters at all since they returned to TNA.
– Backstage, Jeremy Borash is on the scene as Larry Zbyzsko blames Eric Young for the results of the polygraph. Jeff Jarrett, the World’s Biggest 12-Year-Old wearing a horrid striped shirt and ridiculous backwards baseball cap, arrives and reminds Eric and Larry that they’ve gotten him into a mess and now they have to get him out of it. The NWA World Champion orders Eric to go find Sting and report back on his training methods as we hear a “Don’t Fire Eric” chant. Young takes off as Jarrett tells Zbyszko to get him out of the No Surrender match during Cornette’s “Town Hall Meeting” later tonight and Larry promises to take care of Cornette.
– A promo for No Surrender lists the Tag Team Ultimate X, Fans Revenge match with Joe vs. Jarrett, and Christian/Rhino as the Triple Main Event.
– Alex Shelley vs. Chris Sabin
Alex is all by himself as Tenay wonders where Johnny Devine and the PaparazziCam are. They actually show a clip of Sabin, Lethal, & Dutt watching Jackass 2 last week. X Division Champion Senshi is on the stage to watch this match as Sabin and Shelley go through some good chain-wrestling with Shelley working on the arm until Sabin snaps off a tilt-a-whirl headscissors to send Shelley to the floor and follows out with a suicide dive through the ropes. Back inside, they trade forearms and Shelley rakes the eyes to take the advantage, but Sabin rolls out of the way of a Lionsault and springboards in with a missile dropkick. Sabin blasts Shelley with the Yakuza Kick (called by Tenay) in the corner and hangs him in the tree of woe before connecting with the Hesitation dropkick for a near-fall. Shelley slips out of a Cradle Shock and dropkicks Sabin as Lethal & Dutt appear on the stage with Devine in a Jackass Number Two (huh huh, “number two” means poop, teehee, get it?) shopping cart and push him down the ramp. Devine crashes into the ringpost and Sabin wraps up the distracted Shelley in a majistral cradle for the three-count.
Afterwards, the Jackass marks celebrate while Eric Young comes out with the PaparazziCam and collects Shelley so that they can go find Sting and videotape him. Again. You know, since it worked out so well for them the last time they did that.
– A great video package documents the 10-year friendship between Rhino and Christian, including old home-video footage of a clean-shaven Rhino hanging out and training with a long-haired Christian. Cage cuts a great promo about how he tried to prop up Rhino on his own two feet and help him be a man when he gave him the opportunity to hit him with a chair, but Rhino made the wrong choice. Rhino vows revenge at No Surrender, but Christian says he’s in TNA to build a legacy and the rest of us should just be glad we’re along for the ride. Tremendous stuff.
– Hey, have you heard? A Starr Is Born at Bound For Glory.
– Another slick video feature builds up the Raven/Abyss angle.
– Hangman’s Horror: Abyss vs. Raven
Tenay explains that to win the match, one man must lock his opponent in one of the dog collars and hang him until he’s unconscious. That’s a wicked stipulation. Tenay actually mentions the “sick and perverted history” between Raven and James Mitchell dating back several years as Abyss goes into the bleachers to meet Raven and reverses an Irish-whip into a section of vacated seats. They brawl around ringside, where Raven slams Abyss against the guardrail with a Russian legsweep. The opening bell rings as they finally enter the ring and Mitchell passes Abyss a bulletin board (I think?), which he breaks over Raven’s head as we go to break.
When we come back, Tenay claims that Raven has been busted open as Raven counters an Earthquake splash with a chair to the stones. Abyss tries to grab Raven for a DDT, but he escapes and DDTs the Monster before applying two of the dog collars and bashing Abyss with a trashcan lid and the bottom of the trashcan. Mitchell comes in and Raven locks him in a collar, threatening to hit him with a chair, but Abyss blindsides Raven and attaches the collar around his neck. However, Raven strikes low with a mulekick to the Monster’s Balls and grabs the chair to hit Mitchell, but Abyss boots the chair into Raven’s face, knocking him over the top rope, and pulls on the chain until Raven passes out and the ref calls for the bell. We had the makings of a solid brawl, but the commercial break hurt. Goddamn it, TNA needs two hours.
Afterwards, Brother Runt makes the save with chairshots to Abyss’ head and unlocks Raven from the dog collar, but plants the former NWA Champion with the Acid Drop on the floor. The commentators wonder why Runt did it, so hopefully that means we find out next week.
– And now, the highlight of my week as Bobby Roode’s next managerial candidate turns out to be… Colonel Robert (Fuller) Parker, a.k.a. Tennessee Lee in the WWF. I love this guy. The Colonel namedrops Steve Austin and Mick Foley since they came from the USWA (I assume that’s the connection) but doesn’t mention Terry Funk, Arn Anderson, Sid Vicious, or Jeff Jarrett even though he managed them, and claims that if Roode comes under his wing, his success will be 24-karat gold. Roode enjoys his presentation and says he’ll get back to him. I wouldn’t mind TNA using the Colonel as a manager actually.
– Jim Cornette is on his way out as TNA Security unlocks the guardrail and the fans surround the ring. Kinda reminds me of letting the cattle out for a run, although the chick in the black t-shirt with the sweater around her waist has a sweet rack.
– Following the break, Jeremy Borash is with LAX as the interview set is decorated with Mexican flags and a couple of smokin’ dancing mamacitas to celebrate Hispanic Heritage Month. Konnan promises to put Daniels & Styles through more tables and put more stitches in their heads as they unleash a violence never before seen.
– A promo for the “Why Do You Hate Jeff Jarrett?” contest airs and features some lame answers, such as the white pants or the fact that he carries a guitar even though he doesn’t play it. THAT ROTTEN BASTARD. Go to TNAWrestling.com to submit your video!
– Jim Cornette has finally made it to the ring and puts over the fans for making TNA successful. The fans around the ring crack their leather straps as Cornette rates Jeff Jarrett’s popularity somewhere between Osama Bin Laden and crotch-rot. Cornette announces that he has rehired Earl Hebner since the polygraph results last week exonerated him, claiming that Earl is easily swayed and maybe fell in with the wrong crowd, so he’s giving him a second chance. Cornette states that he’ll be having a closed-door meeting with Larry Zbyzsko in the near future and brings out the special guest of the Town Hall Meeting, Samoa Joe, who gets a great reaction as he marches out carrying a leather strap. Cornette instructs Joe to inflict so much pain on Jarrett at No Surrender that he goes running to the floor and gets whipped by the fans. A heel Jarrett booking himself in the role of the underdog babyface fighting the odds, you say? Still better than Vince booking himself to go over on September 11 in New York City. Joe promises to punish Jarrett for crimes against TNA and its fans, who chant “Joe” as the Samoan Submission Machine notes that Jarrett may have sold his soul to the devil to keep the NWA World Title, but his ass belongs to “us”. Joe calls himself the most feared man in the industry and vows to own Jarrett on September 24.
Some funky tune plays and Tenay somehow IMMEDIATELY identifies it as Zbyszko’s entrance music (although I don’t ever recall hearing it before) as Larry marches out and claims that he and the Championship Committee had TNA running smoothly before Cornette arrived. Larry rants and demands that Jarrett be taken out of the “Revenge of the Nerds” match as the fans chant “Joe’s Gonna Kill You”, but Cornette replies that the only thing he’ll be taking Jarrett out of is the arena in an ambulance after the match, calls Larry a crook, and mentions that he might have to disband the Championship Committee. Ooohh, that could be a cool angle… could we see a play on the WWF/NWA split from the ’60s and have Joe be the first-ever TNA World Champion while Jarrett and his corrupt NWA Committee insist that he’s still the NWA World Champion? Probably not, but it sounds pretty damn good to me as long as they let Joe do for the TNA Title what he did for the ROH Title. Anyway, Cornette orders Zbyzsko out of the ring, but Larry asks what army is going to make him leave so Cornette answers with the Samoan army. Joe chases Larry around the ring and straps him until he bails out to the floor, where the fans whip him as he retreats. Jeff Jarrett appears on the ramp with a chair and shoves down a lady with a mullet, then picks up her leather strap and procedes to whip Mullet Lady like a dog. She really didn’t look like a plant at all, which made it seem a lot more realistic. I know it’s wrong, but I laughed out loud when he started beating the shit out of her.
– The “Adrenaline Rush” video recap closes the show, with Samoa Joe once again the last face we see. I hope that means something.
Afterthoughts: Another good show with minimal Jarrett appearances, three solid matches, a strong but short Joe promo, more great build for No Surrender, and of course, the appearance of Colonel Fuller/Parker. I’m really excited about the PPV, and Joe/Jarrett especially, in a way that I haven’t been for a while. This will be the turning point where TNA either shows that they’re serious about Joe or totally f*ck it up. Here’s hoping they make the right decision.
