Contradicting Popular Opinion :
An Enquiry Concerning Why Your Favorite Movie Sucks
Intro
So, I was a little hard on Kiefer Sutherland in my review of The Wild. I am similarly unimpressed by his work as Littlefoot’s dad in The Land Before Time: Yhe Great Longneck Migration. As an actor, Kiefer seems either mostly constipated and partially drunk or mostly drunk and partially constipated.
But I’m a big fan of 24. (We now do TV in italics in lieu of “quotes”; don’t ask me why.) So, I decided to view the Kiefer in his natural habitat, id est, the 1980s. My wife owns both Flatliners and The Lost Boys. Both films I have never seen all the way through.
Mr. Orange doesn’t make a reference to Flatliners in his “pot story.” Decision made!
ML Kennedy watches The Lost Boys.
The following events take place on Wednesday September 20th between the hours 8 and 10 p.m.
Bleep Bleep bleeeeeeeep.
8:01
Richard Donner produces, huh? This movie might not- A JOEL SCHUMACHER FILM! DAMNIT! There’s not enough time!
You know right away that these kids are evil, because they have no respect for the carny code. They’re standing around on the roundabout, causing all sorts of trouble. Lousy mulletted punks!
Is that Bill or Ted? I can never remember.
So much bad hair…
8:03
Hey that cop just pulled his car door off! He’s f*cking strong!
Oh I guess that was the vampires.
Ah man, both Coreys are in this thing. That is 3 Coreys too many!
Goths, missing children, uninspired Doors covers, and more carnival shit: what have I gotten myself into here?
The things I do for Popcorn Junkies…
8:05
So much montage… Losing will to live.
8:09
This film has no attention span whatsoever. Every three seconds we’re onto a different scene. There is no sense of transition. There is no pacing. There is no flow.
I will persevere. I’ve beaten Manos. I can beat Shumacher.
Ah f*ck, another musical number. I get it movie: you’re here, yada yada, I’m used to it. I don’t need the oily, shirtless, mulletted, S&M musclehead singing “I Still BELIEVE!!!”
SHUMACHER!!!! (Shakes fist in rage.)
8:13
Richie Rich’s dad is hitting on Dianne Wiest. Creepy. I don’t need to see that thing.
8:14
So this is what it’s like when Coreys collide? Well, mostly it is lame pseudo-comic geek shit.
Wow is this movie full of bad hair.
8:16
Vampires pull the top off of a convertible to attack a necking couple. I think that they were weirded out that a youngish woman would read “Sad Sack” comics. There has got to be something sinister going on about her. Maybe the vampires are justified in their kill spree.
What is distressing though: These vampires sure seem to hate cars. What did cars do to piss of vampires so much? They have already wrecked two cars!
Maybe one of the vampires runs a body shop on the side.
Two more soundtrack numbers thrown in, and an extended dirtbike chase.
I check the DVD box… “Story by Janice Fisher & James Jeremias.”
Story?
Huh…
A portion of the dialogue:
Jason Patric: Just you!
Kiefer: How far are you willing to go Michael?
DELETED LINE: Just a little kissing.
8:25
Our hero fights a stuffed beaver, and his older brother eats maggots.
Since when do vampires have the power to turn maggots into Chinese food? Or is it Chinese food into bugs? Do they need their magic reefer to obtain this power. I should e-mail Lucard.
Maybe it is just really bad Chinese food.
This “Thou shall not” theme music might just be the worst thing I have ever heard in my life.
The dialogue confirms what I’ve suspected all along: even Vampires watch The Price is Right.
8:37
Movie so lame… losing ability to pay attention. A Corey taking a bubble bath does not mitigate this problem.
Hey, at least the dog has sense enough to stop Jason Patric from molesting the effete Corey in the bathroom. Corey is an incest survivor!
8:42
The men in this movie make George Michael look like Robert Mitchum.
The guys in this movie make Ryder Strong look like Lee Marvin.
The guys in this movie make Leslie Jordan look like John Wayne.
8:49
Oh God, we have a lame-ass sex scene (as opposed to a lame ass-sex scene) featuring what I presume to be the Love Theme to The Lost Boys.
What the f*ck are the words to this song?
“Broom, Broom, Cornwalls?” Is that what he said?
Oh shit it is the same “thou shall not” song. Fuck!
Why were there so many horny grandparent characters in the ’80s? Who finds that funny? It’s just creepy and wrong.
8:56
Edgar and Alan Frog? I am missing some sort of joke? Poe to Frog? Why Frog?
8:58
Richie Rich’s dad fails the Vampire tests… or did he? Dunn dunn dun!
Why is this movie still going? Why am I still watching this movie?
This flick certainly has some lame-ass vampire make up. And odd vampires rules. And odd hair. Maybe I will die before the movie ends. Sweet relief of death.
9:07
The kids steal grandpa’s car and go off to exterminate the vampire hive or vampire nest or the vampire hill or whatever it is. One of the Coreys manages to stake Bill or Ted. Kiefer’s hand catches fire from sunlight.
Why is there a kid named Laddie dressed like Sergeant Pepper?
9:17
Vampires love Jim Morrison. It is just the way it is my friend! Doors fans aren’t made, they’re born. I think right now in Africa there’s some guy madly beating on a drum. He’s a Doors fan. Or an old lady sitting on the bus sucking humbugs. She’s a Rider On The Storm, but she ain’t never heard the sounds. The Vampires, they listen to Waiting For The Sun. It’s the departure point. They’ve listened to it around dusk every night for about a month.
Sorry, going over old Kids in the Hall bits almost makes this movie tolerable…
9:20
A vampire is killed by a bath. It destroys all the fixtures for some reason. Who makes a movie where toilets explode for no good reason? What is the target audience here? We have a horrifying amount of detached, emotionless, context-less violence. We have a gratuitous sex scene. We have a metric ton of homosexual subtext.
Who is this movie for? Who wants to watch things like this?
Teenage goth chicks? Oh yeah… them…
Hey an exploding head. It’s a post-Scanners thing.
9:26
Kiefer’s dead and we get more of that goddamn “Thou shall not” music.
Why would Max reveal himself as the head vampire here?
The Lost Boys angle would work better if the mother were named Wendy.
9:31
What the f*ck? The grandpa drives a truck through his house shooting a stake through Max’s heart and solving everything? How does that make sense? The grandpa knew about the vampires but still invited his family to the town?
BOOO! BOOO!!
How does a movie get so f*cking shitty?
What the f*ck?
Honestly.
MOVIE!
GAHHHHH!!!!
9:36
DVD is throw out of the room.
Outro
Yeah… I’m going to go ahead and avoid non-Jack Bauer Kiefer Sutherland. I’ve learned my lesson.
