The Smackdown Short Form, 10.06.06

In Memoriam: Buck O’Neill. I really, really hope that all the HoF voters who decided that he wasn’t worthy company for those in Cooperstown earlier this year are feeling really f*cking guilty right now, knowing that if any one of them had decided differently, he would have received his deserved honor.

I’m still doing the Impact Short Form right now, but Buck deserved a solo In Memoriam, especially given who the IM on the Impact Short Form is. Class act all the way. Godspeed.

People who aren’t class acts? That would be USDA FSIS Des Moines District. I’ve had my dealings with those cocksuckers before. So what’s got me in a tizzy about them right now? Well, there was a forced recall of about a ton of ground beef from a plant in Iowa for the usual reason why ground beef is recalled these days, and there’s a contact telephone number to the district office for more information. According to CNN, the number isn’t answering. That is so typical of them. I can only giggle.

What I’m not giggling about is Smackdown. After all, WWE can’t make up its mind on whether to employ Marty Wright or not. The trauma is just too much sometimes, although I was enjoying Wright’s antics in an embarassed sort of way. I just wonder how well he’d fit into the show right now, especially with Kane coming over there after Sunday. UT, Kane, and Boogey, all on the same show? And the show isn’t the one that’s on Sci-Lie? Actually, that’s an idea. When Wright’s ready to come back, put him on ECW.

No, I’m serious. Let me explain.

Keep the Boogeyman gimmick, but tone down the cartoonish aspects a bit. Specifically, lower the worm content and increase the blood content. Now are you getting a clue as to where I’m going? Everyone’s favorite goth wrestling couple, Fertig and Ariel, are merely playing at this vampire shit. Now let them confront someone in the same vein (sorry, bad pun) as them, but this person is completely serious, and batshit insane to boot. It would all depend on the skill of the writers to pull this off, and how far Joey’s willing to go to sell this (Tazz, of course, has no problem putting Boogey over). If done right, it could be an interesting and entertaining feud, as long as Joey can keep any shred of his credibility.

Why am I discussing this in conjunction with Smackdown? Because Boogey was on Smackdown before his injury, because the news of his resigning was just announced, and because by Tuesday it’ll be old news and I won’t cover it due to the fact that I don’t, have never, and will never do a “week in review” column unlike other losers. So I’ll discuss it now while it’s fresh and still stay on topic. Just like I’m staying minty fresh and giggling even more in Daniels’ direction as a team from the AL Central took out the mighty Yankers. Now let the Cardinals eliminate the Mets, and I’ll be happy.

Oh, hell, let’s see what treats Smackdown’s given to us as a pre-No Mercy sedative…

Match Results:

Rey-Rey y Mattsy-Poo over Chavito and Novocaine Helms (Pinfall, Rey-Rey pins Helms, drop the dime): Let’s see, a Double PPV Pimp Match featuring two angles that I’m actively hostile toward. Do you really think I care, despite the quality of the wrestling? This is simply a nightmare inducer, nothing more. All of you fanboys can go to hell.

A preview of Sunday’s hot boy-on-boy action

Elijah Burke over Tatanka (Pinfall, Stroke): There’s something that I don’t think anyone’s remarked about (well, anyone that matters), but it’s something that became obvious thanks to the recent attention brought to the Smackdown writing team by Michael Hayes’ ascension (and don’t worry, folks, I haven’t forgotten to fellate the Freebird; wait until the Round Table on Sunday for that). Ever since Lagana left Smackdown to start writing ECW, the midcard on Smackdown has been set free. I can’t think of a better phrase than that, but I think it covers what seems to have happened. Lagana leaves, and all of a sudden, guys who you would never expect to have a good match or even something resembling a good match start becoming credible wrestlers; this cannot be a coincidence. The emblematic guy in this instance is Grenier, but Chavis is pretty close behind him. He’s done nothing but turn out consistently good (but not great) work the past few months. He’s belied his age and revived a career that, by all accounts, should have and did die a decade ago. I’ve got to give credit to him. I thought he’d be Net-show fodder and a house show opener and nothing more. But week in, week out, he’s turning in good matches and getting young guys like Burke over. Therefore, I salute you, Chris Chavis. It wouldn’t have taken much to beat expectations, but you’ve gone way beyond that. Bravo.

Indian-on-black violence had remained quiescent since the Buffalo Soldiers days, until this

Dave Fuckin’ Finlay over Booker T, Pick Your Poison Match (Pinfall, Greco-Roman shillelagh shot): Another seeming meme in WWE programming is that the age of competitors is rising (this from a company that once made fun of WCW for employing the elder statesmen). The last match featured Tatanka, they rehired Boogeyman, the next match has DAVE, and here’s two guys in their forties going at it. The thing is, there’s no complaining going on like there was a decade ago. Why is that? Probably because the guys in question have been underutilized and underexposed in the past (and I do include Van Dam, who’s a spry 38, in this mix). They’ve not been force-fed down our throats for years like Hogan and Piper were. Thus, they seem fresh despite being older. Plus, their experience lends them to being able to trust in each other and pull off matches with greater cognizance of flow and pace. This match never dragged. So what am I trying to say? Maybe 40 is The New 30 in wrestling. If so, you’d better start treating me a lot better than you have, bitches.

Finlay goes right for the Crown Jewels

DAVE over Bobby Lashley, Pick Your Poison Match (DQ, Finlay-ference): Well, thanks a heckuva lot, guys. You retroactively turned the Booker/Finlay match into Angle Advancement courtesy of the apres here. As someone who’s technical-minded, I’m not receptive to power matches, and this didn’t change my mind about anything. DAVE is still a little too rusty to go stiff, and that gets me a little bit scared about Sunday’s mess. The only saving grace for that match is if everyone goes totally stiff (and, yes, Booker’s capable of it). Oh, well, nothing to do but wait and see, I guess.

It’s a nice rare sight in a power match to see someone who can actually lift his leg

Sylvain Grenier over Jimmy Yang (Pinfall, rollup): I said nice things about Grenier above. I will be saying nice things about Yang in the Round Table. So, therefore, I don’t have to say anything about them here. That’s how this column works.

An unorthodox way of doing the Heimlich Manuveur, but effective nonetheless

Michelle McCool over Ashley Massaro (Pinfall, roll-through): Well, this evening is a smorgasbord of wrestling types. We’ve had technical, we’ve had power, we’ve had high-flying, now we’ve got Chicks Who Can’t Wrestle Doing A PPV Pimp Match. Cue up Sly and the Family Stone if you must, but I’m simply not excited by their pandering to the hoi polloi. I prefer programming geared to the intellectual elite like me, thank you. And, no, I wasn’t excited about the fact that it was chicks. I’m too old for that.

I’m sure you can insert your own lesporn joke in here

DAVE and Bobby Lashley over Booker T and Finlay (DQ, Regal-ference): Sorry, I can’t say anything about this. I said everything that needs to be said, including the usual deprecation toward Angle Advancement Matches, earlier on during their singles matches. It’s not a surprise they went for the hard sell. This is a rather dubious card in the first place, so they were going to push it tremendously. That doesn’t mean I have to like it, of course.

Peek-a-boo, I see you…

Angle Developments:

Booker tries to convince Regal of the benefits of Vulcan meditation

Fortunately, the FudgePacker episode of Inside The Actors’ Studio was postponed

And that covers this weekend. We’ve got No Mercy coming up on Sunday and Raw on Monday, so if I have actual time (and actual electrical power) for a Tuesday column, we’ll have sufficient quantities of wrestling to justify it, even without other news. Maybe we’ll find out by then if Marty Jannetty is really still receiving a WWE paycheck. Actually, considering the Boogeyman situation, Da Meltz might have been right. Jannetty was fired, then rehired. Oh, hell, I’m rambling. Time for go to sleep.