Wrestling News, Opinions, Etc., 10.17.06

Memo To All Classic Rock Stations: the least appropriate song you can play between 2:30AM and 4:30AM is “Comfortably Numb”. So why do all you bastards do it? Please, answer this one. I’ve been wanting to know your excuse for this for years now. And, oh, by the way, when it’s raining cats and dogs outside, try to avoid playing “The Wreck Of The Edmund Fitzgerald”. You’ve been doing that far too often as well.

First of all, Happy 300 Million Day to everyone in the US. Yep, we’re 300 million strong and growing. And we’ve got nukes. And we invented and control the Internet. And we’ve got big swinging dicks that we’re not afraid to show. Fear us, bitches.

Well, there’s at least one classic rock artist that’s been having a pretty good last couple of weeks, and that’s Iggy Pop. His life theme right now is “brothers”. He appeared in animated form in the season closer of The Venture Brothers (in a nice, meaty role), and has hooked up again in non-animated form with the Asheton brothers. They’re ensconsed in a studio here in Chi and have dragged along Mike Watt to play bass (a perfect choice for a Stooge). Naturally, Steve Albini’s behind the boards. This should be an acceptable, if slightly delayed, follow-up to Raw Power (or Metallic KO if you believe in bootlegs). Insert Chinese Democracy joke here.

Speaking of Iggy, I do have to wonder about something. Now that all of the major acts who were influenced by Iggy are in the Hall of Fame, isn’t it time that he gets inducted? Look, the next two years are a wonderful opportunity for make-goods. The only first-time nominee who should be a slam-dunk next year is Duran Duran. The year after, the only one’s Madonna. There’s space for Ig to get in there, either with the Stooges or as a solo act. And while you’re doing that, throw in the Stooges’ big-brother band, the MC5. If the Pistols can get in, so can they. Of course, I also believe that ABBA belongs in there too.

Why, yes, I am avoiding talking about the Bears game. Why do you ask? Gee, what other topics can I bring up that would distract from this? How about wrestling? That’d be pretty unique for this column, me talking about wrestling. Okay, here goes…Memo To Jimmy Garvin: couldn’t you have given it more than a week before quitting? Or is Steph back from maternity leave already? If it’s the second, I don’t blame you one bit. If not, you could have parlayed this into some sort of Freebirds thing on Smackdown, which might have been the only way to get Ray Gordy over with the audience. Think of the children, even if they are young, strapping men. After all, that’s what Vince is doing by hiring next-generation Harts. Oh, well, no problem, really. Hayes can always bring in Buddy Roberts. Or even Brad Armstrong, God help us all.

Still avoiding the Bears game here…oh, God, what else can I talk about? Oh, yeah, the reason there wasn’t any Impact or SD Short Forms over the weekend. Simple, really. No time to do them on Friday, and by Friday night, I was stuck in bed with a king-hell cold, which I still have the vestiges thereof. But you don’t want to hear about that, so…I left just after the beginning of the fourth quarter to go to work. I caught the first fumble recovery for a touchdown, but not the second, nor the punt return for a touchdown, nor the missed field goal by the Cards that gave the Still-In-Chicagos the victory over the Once-In-Chicagos. Well, this is natural. I get force-fed the swill that Gross-out made of this game for three quarters, accompanied by the rancid side dishes of Whiny Kornheiser and Clueless Theismann, and then miss most of the good stuff coming from the always-wonderful defense. I can’t win. I can’t even try.

So I’m just going to give up and get on with the pimps…

THE PIMP SECTION

Daniels is no longer bending over and spreading ’em for A-Suck, but a quick blowjob isn’t out of the question.

Vinny and Burnside should really get a room. That way, they don’t have to disturb the rest of us with their wet dreams of title unification, and we won’t have to slip on the resulting mess on the floor.

Gloomie rocks, rocks, rocks the night.

Sevastra mourns CBGBs. Personally, I won’t. No, not because it’s in Noo Yawk. It’s f*ckin’ CB’s, man. I believe that as long as Hilly’s alive, even in Vegas, the spirit will still be there. Once Hilly’s gone, then I’ll mourn.

Morrison does so, but I don’t think we can comment on the motivations of one Stanley Lieber. I don’t think anyone in the comics industry can. He’s devoted sixty-five years to his labor of love, from a time when he didn’t need to shave to his dotage. He’s seen it all, known them all. If there’s been a turn in him, I think the tipping point was Julie Schwartz’s death. Julie was the only one left other than Stan who KNEW. Now it’s impossible to explain. So give him his soapbox (back) and allow him his bitterness. Having to watch the company you built from your youth get pissed away more than once can do that to a person, you know.

There’s something I have to ask Pusey: what the hell is a “super-middleweight” anyway? Yes, I know it’s a weight class, but the name…I mean, “super fly-weight” I’m cool with because it’s a nice little reference, but this one?

Fernandez quoted Legs McNeil. Fernandez is, of course, a hundred times more relevant these days than Legs is or than Legs has ever been (and that’s ignoring the hometown discount which would bring that figure up to a million times more relevant). For those who don’t know, Legs was to the Noo Yawk punk scene what Sid Vicious was to the UK scene, a superfan. Unfortunately for us, Legs never joined a band, killed his girlfriend, and ODed. We’d be better off if he had.

Mathan expounds about the flexibility in hip-hop. Hey, we white people can do that too. Listen to your average rock station for a few hours and see how many songs reuse the riff from “Louie Louie”, or a mutated version thereof. Start with “More Than A Feeling” and “Smells Like Teen Spirit” and move on from there.

Cameron‘s assertion that no one in their right mind would want to hear “Nuthin’ But A G Thang” ever again is correct. I’m sick of it too, and if Emperor Ofay is sick of it…

And have we already lost our new Galactica guy? Come on, kid, show some signs of life. As for other business in that realm, Memo To Misha: yeah, I’m in. Let’s do both of them. We may need Hepple’s help when we run out of AbFab jokes, though. Problem is that I don’t have posting rights to Prime Time Pulse. Do you?

THE PUSHERMAN

So Vince finalized another deal. And like anything dealing with Vince, there’s more than to be seen. The difference this time is that it’s so obvious, it’s almost painful. It’s so unlike Vince to leave things out in the open. It makes me wonder if there’s a third layer to this story that I haven’t thought of. Well, not enough sleep and not enough coffee can do that to a person. Let’s just lay out what we know.

As of the release of the Piper DVD next month, distribution of all WWE DVD materials will be done by Genius Products. The principals of Genius Products are Bob and Harvey Weinstein. Anyone who’s ever ventured into Popcorn Junkies knows who they are. Founders of Miramax, the Little Indie That Could. The people responsible for the godlike status among certain mental deficients of Quentin Tarantino and Kevin Smith. The guys responsible for ensuring that Ben Affleck had a career. Okay, these aren’t the best examples, but their track record is unassailable.

The point is, is anyone bothering to pretend that this deal will go beyond DVDs and into the products of WWE Films? The Weinsteins are THE experts in turning dubious low-budget products into smash box office hits. After seeing the box for See No Evil and The Marine, Vince needs an expert in order to start making money from the films division. Is it beyond thought that he’s going to tap into the Weinsteins’ hard-won knowledge on how to make his movies into hits? Harvey would do it, no doubt, if he and his people got a good cut. Harvey has no morals. Just ask any chop-sockey fan, and they’ll tell you.

Or could Vince be looking for more than that? He knows that WWE Films is a tough sell in the first place. Every time he’s tried extending the WWE vantage outside of wrestling, it’s pretty much been a disaster. The Films division looks like it’s well on the way toward joining its bretheren. But what if Vince made an arrangement to release WWE Films product under the Weinstein Company or Dimension banner? It wouldn’t thoroughly fulfill his ego (always a primary consideration when dealing with Vince-related ephemera), but his movies would have a better chance at the box. He’d be trading the dubiousness of WWE Films for the respected-by-fans banners of the Weinsteins, which might lead to more critical respect, which might lead to greater box office.

With a deal like this, though, there’s only two possible conclusions. Vince and Harvey are both hucksters of a high order. Either they’re going to find a way to mutually exist, in which case their success is almost assured. Or, they’re going to mutually annihilate each other, with great destruction on all sides. If the latter, then WWE would be happy to end up having ROH’s DVD distribution, since no one will touch them after being dissed by the Weinsteins. But if it works? Who knows?

Vince has played with fire many times and been burned, but survived a wiser man. This time, he’s playing with an inferno. He’d better watch his steps carefully, or else even a pair of asbestos underpants won’t save those grapefruits.

WHAT THE SQUIRE SAW

Well, there’s a piece of wrestling news that I’m actually going to comment on for a change. If you read the Smackdown spoilers, you already know that one Dave Taylor made his show debut (or will be doing so on Friday if you can’t accept that reality and TV aren’t the same thing). Best of all, he was where he’s supposed to be, at the side of one Mistah Regal.

Yes, this excites me. I’m not going to describe myself as a Blue Bloods mark; I don’t describe myself as a mark for anyone who debuted after 1985, because that was the year I became legal in every state and put away my childish things like markdom forever (Benoit is the exception that proves the rule). But I will describe myself as a Blue Bloods fan. Great in-ring work, total continuity, complementary styles. They had all the hallmarks of a great tag team. The problem was that their peak was during the period between Hogan’s arrival in WCW and the beginning of the NWO, a period that we’ve all attempted to ignore or minimize. They were also never given a run with the tag titles, a great shame considering that, during this period, Bagwell held it twice (and once before Hogan’s arrival). So they’ve been marginalized inside of an era that itself is marginalized.

(Also, most of the success of the Blue Bloods happened in between Regal’s reigns with the WCW TV title. Speaking of that, do you realize the King’s Court held the WCW TV title eleven times between them? Six reigns for Booker, four for Regal, and one for Finlay; none for Paisley, though. Just wanted to throw that out.)

There’s also some feeling among old-timers of missed opportunities in regard to the Blue Bloods, and I’m not talking about not getting the tag titles. Squire Dave wasn’t the first choice to become Regal’s tag partner. Another wrestler was being elevated for that purpose. He’d just changed his name from Terra Ryzin to something a little more realistic and was going above the JTTS level. Unfortunately, Regal got hurt, the tag plans were abandoned, and the other guy was cut loose. How much pain and suffering would we, the wrestling fan, have been spared had this tag team happened? The optimists and fanboys among you might claim that we’d have lost DX, but I, for one, would have been willing to trade that in to prevent the other stuff from happening. But on the rare occasions when Regal and Trip have tag-teamed, that thought has always come to mind. If anything, Trip knows how much his karma owes to Regal, and if that keeps Regal on our screens, I’m all for it.

So the Squire’s back in town, and back in tow with the man he had his greatest success with. I’m glad about this. It means that a King’s Court break-up angle won’t hurt Regal if they decide to do one. It means that the Court can also expand into tag teams more easily than they have, given their teasy-weasy proclivities regarding Regal and Finlay and both of them competing at the same level. It leaves Finlay a clear path to the US title. Meanwhile, Regal and Taylor can take the tag titles away from Team Twink Porn and get them around the waists of true gentlemen (and, for that matter, true men). What’s not to like about this?

Of course, what’s there to like about Raw? I’ll see if there’s something, although I don’t have much hope…

THE SHORT FORM

Naturally, I downloaded Raw, since the Bears get priority, so you get screen caps. And, yes, I shall be as cruel as usual with them…

Match Results:

J. T. Gee and Shad over Johnny Jeter and Mike Mondo, Non-Title Comedy Match (Pinfall, Shad pins Mondo, assisted Samoan drop): Niggapleez.

In other feelings, Slick Rick notes this: I’m not fond of the Cryme Tyme gimmick, but I’m interested to see the interaction with Booker though, given it’s pretty much an update/ripoff of the old Harlem Heat gimmick. Yeah, that’s true, going back to the Kane/Kole era of Harlem Heat. However, Harlem Heat was never played for laughs, not even when Fuller was managing them. They were, to come up with an analogy, the Ice Cube to Cryme Tyme’s Easy E. And if Booker goes off to make hit movies while the Cryme Tyme guys die of AIDS, serves them right.

That’s how you play leapfrog in the hood

Jeffykins over Shelton Benjamin, Super Crazy, and Gym Bunny, Intercontinental Title Fatal Four-Way Match (Pinfall, Hardy pins Masters, Swanton bomb): Okay, who wants a Benjy/Crazy feud? I do, I do! I don’t care if you give them a reason to feud or not. I want to see a feud between them going into at least Royal Rumble with some crazy-ass stip attached to the final match where they can go to town on each other. Hell, give one of them the IC strap in the meantime or not, I don’t care. I just want to see them in PPV-length matches doing all the insane shit they can imagine. Then, put both of them into Money In The Bank at Wrestlemania and have them do more crazy shit to each other. We need crazy shit on Raw desperately right now. Here are the two guys who can give it to us. As for the other two, if they disappeared tomorrow, who’d notice?

Oh, how torn I am…

Carly Colon over Rob Conway (Pinfall, back-cracker): Too short to make any judgments. Too soon to wonder why Conway’s being denied the push that his former La Res compatriots are getting on ECW and Smackdown, even when they lose. That’s unfair to Conway. After all, he was the most talented of the three. Perhaps it was today’s competition. Maybe he just needs to get into a good ten-minute match with Tatanka or have CM Punk carry him to something watchable. Certainly Carly isn’t going to do him any favors.

That’s about the most exciting moment of this match

Maria Kanelis over Victoria, Candice Michelle, and The Ten-Buck Tramp, Bra and Panties Second Chance Women’s Tournament Quarter-Finals Match (Duh): Like I’m going to comment on this.

An actual wrestler, performing an actual wrestling move, in a Bra and Panties Match. Who’da thunk it?

Trip over Randy Orton (Pinfall, Greco-Roman steel chair shot): PPV Pimp Match, so who cares? I will say, though, that the match at Cyber Sunday will be an interesting social experiment. Are Shawn and Trip secure enough to let Edge and Orton go over? If the fan voting is real, Bisch is the obvious choice as Special Guest Ref, but what if it’s revealed as Vince? The questions surrounding the match will be far more interesting than the match itself.

“And that’s for the glass ceiling!

Angle Developments:

The Sincerest Form Of Flatulence: And it was going so well, but goddamn Orton had to open his mouth, didn’t he? Oh, boy, the Promo Killer was really on form. Edge had set this up perfectly (and he looks better in the Lemmy-stache than Trip does, by the way; he should think about growing it for real if he can, since God knows that he and Lita need to bring a new dimension to the bedroom and this would be a cheaper solution than a sling, handcuffs, and an endless supply of Cool Whip), going right for the jugular. Of course, I love it whenever a wrestler tells people in the crowd how utterly moronic they truly are. But then Orton had to speak, and the whole promo was ruined. Not even Trip ‘n Shawn could get it back from the dead.

Honestly, look at the people that Orton’s feuded with: Trip, Mick Foley, Ric Flair, the Undertaker, Hogan. You would have thought that he could have picked up some indicators from these people on how to draw heat. Given that list, it’s inevitable that some lessons would be absorbed purely by accident. But he’s been totally f*cking oblivious. He hasn’t learned lesson one on how to connect with an audience. Apologists can blame it on the fact that he’s been put into an egotistical heel mode, a character that does hamper making audience connections. However, his utter failure as a face for the same reason, inability to reach the audience at a deeper level, belies that excuse. He needs to continually leech off someone in order to get any heat at all, whether it be a partner or an opponent. It’s not a good situation to be in if you have to be around him. Poor Edge. He doesn’t deserve this.

No, Randy Orton isn’t a black hole of heat yet. But he’s collapsing rapidly toward the event horizon.

It’s less DX than “Spinal Tap goes blond”

KC Evers (no relation), though, added a nice comment: Edge just gave a nice look at what Triple H might look like in about 15 years. Oh, I can’t wait to see that reality show. Trip looks horrid, Steph’s floating at around three spins, and Aurora’s dressed like 2021’s equivalent of a Hot Topic slut. Maybe I’d tune in.

Now let me get this straight…they both dated the same Playboy Playmate and they both dumped her? What the f*ck?

You know, it is interesting to have all three champions in the ring at the same time. All I know is that when this happened on screen, Scotland successfully put a satellite in orbit, courtesy of Burnside’s head exploding.

Just because the X Division is acting like the cast of Jackass doesn’t mean that the cast of Jackass has to behave like the X Division

That’s “Academy Award Winners Three-6 Mafia” to you

When Requests Go Horribly Wrong:

“May I request that you not sully the good name of InsidePulse with a screencap of that douchebag Kevin Federline?” – The Joe In Me

“May I request that you not sully the good name of InsidePulse with a screencap of that douchebag Steve-O?” – The Joe In Me

I aim to displease.

The Joe In Me also asks: As a former member of the Army, does it offend you when Cena calls himself a “Marine”? No, not at all. As a former member of the Army, I know that both Cena and Marines prefer to take it up the ass.

And so we close yet another Tuesday extravaganza. Until I damn well decide to do ECW, I’ll leave you bereft of my presence in your sad, drab little lives.

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