Contradicting Popular Opinion :
An Enquiry Concerning Why Your Favorite Movie Sucks
Intro
So, tonight I do something I thought I would never do: I’m going to watch The Passion of the Christ. I had more than enough of Mel Gibson’s wholly un-unique brand of Catholic masochism after I had sa through the first 8 hours of Braveheart. But… Well… You see, we here at CPO pride ourselves at being topical, relevan-
2004?
Really?
Okay, fine. So maybe, I just found this movie at the library today and thought what the hell.
ML Kennedy watches The Passion of the Christ
0:00:00
I was kind of hoping for previews after I put the disc in the player. I guess there are limited movies trailers that mach up well with an R rated Jesus picture, not that that would stop other DVDs. I see a trailer for that Antonio Banderas dancing movie before just about every movie on DVD these days.
I guess I should start the flick.
I don’t even believe in Jebus!
0:00:30
Starting with a bible quote, how novel!
All right, so far we just have some trees and some “ahh ahha ahh ahhh” music.
0:02:30
Oh, shit. I- Shit! Was he saying something back there? Do I have to turn on the subtitles and restart? Cocksucker! Oh no wait, here they come.
0:03:00
They could be speaking f*ckig Star Wars for all I know.
Oh man, the thirty pieces of silver fly in slow motion. What is this? A story from the (John) Woo Testament?
Goddamn is this Jesus cat whiny. Mohammed wouldn’t be all shaky and scared and shit.
I’m just saying, is all.
0:06:10
Some dude without eyebrows taunts Jesus. Odin would’ve kicked his ass for much less.
Jesus whines some more. Ooh, it’s a full moon! Curse of the Were-Jesus! He’s totally gonna go all Howling on us! Sweet.
Nope.
Shit.
He does stomp on a snake for no good reason, though. So far, the lesson of the movie is that shaky, hairy guys that kill small animals are good. Androgynous people are the devil.
At least, that is the picture Mel seems to be presenting to me.
0:10:30
Maybe it’s Klingon. They could be speaking Klingon.
More f*cking slo-mo? C’mon movie! Knock it off.
Here comes some APOSTLE-FU!
Then, Jesus does the old, quarter behind the ear trick, only with instead of an ear, it is a missing ear. And instead of a quarter he uses an ear. Maybe next hell do “Is this thine card?”
0:15:45
It sure is misty in Israel. I kinda figured it would be dry.
0:16:04
Oh hey, it was a Grudge. Huh. No seriously, what the f*ck was that thing? Gollum? Was that a superfluous Gollum?
0:19:30
“Those who are Roman go to the house?”
0:20:30
Hey, Jesus is a better carpenter than Dave Foley would have you believe!
0:22:30
So far, this movie is almost as much fun as church.
0:26:37
This is f*cking stupid.
Seriously.
Is it over yet?
I know how the story ends.
0:27:50
Wow, that was a terrible edit. We jumped from a front on view of Jesus to a 3/4 view for no good reason. It looked really awful. The visual equivalent to a cat walking over a piano.
0:33:10
When does Judas turn into a vampire? Is that just in Dracula 2000? No wait, he’s draining the life-force from those kids!
Oh. I guess not.
0:36:31
Some kids and the dude without eyebrows are surrounding Judas, and taunting him. I think they are saying “Wu Tang Clan.”
Judas should know not to f*ck with the Wu Tang Clan.
I really pictured David Bowie as the devil.
Judas sees a dead donkey and hangs himself.
…
He must’ve loved that donkey.
0:39:00
Another really awkward edit; did they waste all of their editing money on Aramaic lessons?
Jesus is watching a dove fly in slow motion; this is the Woo Testament!
0:43:15
“We will cwucify Bwian!”
Wait, Pilate just said Herod. He’ll hand Jesus over to Herod?
Herod died in 4 B.C.E.
Oh wait. Nevermind. It’s Herod’s son. Stupid juniors.
0:50:00
Free Barabbas! Man Barabbas is awesome. I wish he were my Messiah.
0:51:45
Ironically, right now, stuck in Jesus’s head is that song, “The way things are going, they’re gonna crucify me.”
0:55:55
Mel Gibson is a suspected Anti-Semite and homophobe? Who would’ve guessed?
They’ve been torturing Jesus for a while now. Ooh, Barbed wire bat! Terry Funk time!
0:58:00
That’s Mary? She looks the same age as Jesus. But I guess if Glenn Close played Gibson’s mom in Hamlet, and the whole Cary Grant’s mother in North By Northwest thing, and…
(At this point I spill hot chocolate all over my lap. It was funny how I exclaimed the name of the main character of this movie, as I burnt myself.)
1:02:00
Jesus is still being beaten. Satan is taunting him with a midget. Hogan would be Hulking up for the big comeback about now.
Although in his defense, Hogan would rarely go as high on the Muta scale as Jesus just did there.
1:07:00
While saving a whore in a flashback, Jesus gets the fabled “eye of the Jew.”
1:09:00
Can’t Jesus just heal himself? I think that is how it works in RPGs. A healer can heal himself. That’s how it works in Shining Force, at least. What was that dude’s name? Gong? I should be playing Shining Force right now.
1:11:11
I made damn sure that Pilate/ washed his hands/ sealed his fate/ pleased to meet you…
1:14:40
Another angry mob scene.
This crowd is missing that old lady who yells, “Booo! Bow Down to the queen of garbage! Booo!!!”
1:20:30
Man, this thing just keeps on going doesn’t it.
1:22:34
Lazy Jesus, can’t even carry his own cross. Wussy.
1:26:00
Was everyone in this movie directed to over-act as much as humanly possible?
You know, this was a ridiculously successful movie. I wonder if they made an X-box tie in game for it?
Grand Theft Donkey: Galilee?
1:31:36
Jesus does a Flair Flop!
1:34:10
Anytime now movie. Anytime…
1:36:00
Hey… Isn’t this how Braveheart ended? What a gyp.
1:38:14
Jesus loses his ability to eat M&Ms.
1:42:05
If I were to describe anything as a “pornography of violence” this film would be it.
1:44:00
Always look on the bright side of life. Doo doo…
1:46:20
A raven just pecked out that dude’s eyes!
We get a couple of Evil Dead eyeball shots of Jesus.
1:51:10
I think he’s finally dead.
1:51:15
I guess not.
1:51:25
Okay, so now he’s finally dead.
1:51:40
Guess not. Man this Jesus is tougher than Michael Myers.
All right dead now.
No.
Yes!
No? Yes…?
1:52:30
A Matrix raindrop causes an earthquake. That probably means he’s dead, right?
1:53:40
Nope, he’s still yelling when they hit him. Jesus, this Jesus just won’t stay down. It’s kinda like Rocky IV except he’s fighting a big piece of wood instead of Dolph Lungren.
It is exactly like Rocky IV.
Only not as good.
1:54:00
“He’s dead!”
“It’s a trick! Get an axe (or spear as it were)!”
1:55:00
Androgynous figure yells into the air a la Jennifer Love-my-tits in I Know What You Did Last Summer.
1:56:00
I thought only silver bullets could kill a Jesus.
1:58:30
In a scene freakishly similar to Terminator, complete with T2 style music, Jesus does a zombie stand-up. We see a Hard Boiled hole in his hand, and we fade to black.
Fucking hysterical!
Wow, what a waste of 2 hours.
At least I didn’t give that lunatic Gibson any of my money.
Pimps
Mark and Matt put on a good show. Of course, I show up at the end to leech off of their heat. I’m Konnan!
Titanium and Molybdenum are elements. They are real metals. They are not fictional. Check your nearest periodic table for confirmation.
Murray, for recent examples of a face and a heel teaming up against a face in a triple threat, see a certain Wrestlemania main even starring a Face HBK teaming with a Heel HHH against a face Benoit.
