Contradicting Popular Opinion :
An Enquiry Concerning Why Your Favorite Movie Sucks
Intro
So, in order to best celebrate Halloween, I’ve decided to provide you all with a work of fiction. Don’t ask me how it is related; I’m not quite sure. Maybe it is a “trick or treat” sort of thing.
Yeah, that’s the ticket.
The work of fiction in question is the first act of this script I wrote a couple of years ago. It’s a celebration of all things b-movie and drive-in. Zombies, weird monsters, and gratuitous karaoke eventually show up, but this part is mostly set-up.
(The format is going to be a little messed up; I apologize.)
The Drive In Picture Show
FADE IN
EXT. A COFFEE SHOP – NIGHT
A TEENAGE BOY and TEENAGE GIRL exit and begin walking.
TEENAGE BOY
Where are you going?
TEENAGE GIRL
Home. Doy!
TEENAGE BOY
Your house isn’t that way.
TEENAGE GIRL
Yeah it is. I’m cutting through the park.
TEENAGE BOY
But, that’s not safe. And that’s not a park. It’s the woods.
TEENAGE GIRL
Oh, you f*cking baby. C’mon.
TEENAGE BOY
(flustered)
So you’re gonna just drag me along to death with you. No way. We’re not going this way.
TEENAGE GIRL
Oh, so, you’re telling me what to do now.
TEENAGE BOY
Well I guess so. I’m going to pull the y-chromosome rank on you.
THE WOODS – LATER
The teenage boy is walking two steps behind the girl.
TEENAGE BOY
Hey, chill. Slow down.
TEENAGE GIRL
Shit.
She stops, pulling her leg up with her hands.
What’s up? High heel stuck in the mud?
TEENAGE GIRL
I’m not wearing heels, you tool.
She isn’t. She is wearing large hiking boots. The right one is sunk in the mud. The girl pulls her foot free, but the shoe remains stuck. She balances on one leg.
TEENAGE BOY
If only we had taken the well lit and dry sidewalk. If only we had the foresight…
TEENAGE GIRL
Shut up, monkey boy.
TEENAGE BOY
Hold on, let me help you out.
He stops seeing a small dog-like shape approaching.
TEENAGE GIRL
What are you doing?
TEENAGE BOY
I think I see a puppy. Here boy.
A light reflects off the “puppy’s” eyes.
All four of them.
TEENAGE BOY
The hell?
TEENAGE GIRL
Shit.
The girl runs one shoe off, one shoe on.
The puppy throws itself into the air, and is caught by the boy.
The puppy kisses the boy’s hand.
Hey Sally, wait up! It’s okay, he’s friendly… Just a little funny looking.
The puppy nuzzles the boy’s thumb.
Licks it some more.
Bites it off.
The boy hurls the puppy into a tree.
TEENAGE BOY
Goddamn!
He holds his bleeding hand and takes off in a sprint away from the puppy.
He looks back to the tree, unable to see the puppy creature.
He stops scanning in all directions, but it is too dark to see anything but shapes.
The puppy is silently stalking right next to the oblivious boy.
Just inches away.
The boy turns exposing his back to puppy.
The puppy creature bites, tearing through the boy’s Achilles tendon.
The boy screams, falls.
The puppy stares at him blinking all four eyes.
INT. MOTOR LODGE LOBBY
One of those middle of nowhere, sixteen suites, one story places. A NATIVE AMERICAN WOMAN, young, tall and broad shouldered, standing behind the lobby desk. Her nametag reads WENDY.
WENDY
That’s 10 dollars for an hour, 35 dollars for a night, 200 for a week. 650 for a month.
A LARGE MAN with red hair fishes a roll of money out of his jeans. He speaks very quickly and with the confidence and authority of God.
Don’t see too many Indians anymore. Here’s 500. I got some work to do. Can’t be disturbed. Don’t bother with housekeeping. Don’t know how long I’ll be here really. Whatever money I don’t stay for feel free to pocket. Why the look? You aren’t one of those easily-offended, “don’t call me an Indian” people are you? I’m a little stuck in my ways and don’t much like learning new vocabulary every 5, 10 years or so.
WENDY
Oh, it doesn’t bother me any. I think of Indian as short for Indigenous American. I just don’t see many folk carrying around that much cash. You famous or something?
LARGE MAN
Kind of, in certain circles. I was huge in Europe for a long time.
WENDY
Wow. Oh, um, I just need you to sign in.
The large man does this thing, signing:
LUCAS COYOTE.
Coyote? My grandma says to never trust Coyote. That Coyote is a trickster.
COYOTE
She’s right. You know it gets me in trouble all the time. You’re staring again Gwendolen.
WENDY
Just don’t see too may red heads anymore.
COYOTE
(sarcastically)
Red head? I find that term offensive.
EXT. A FOREST
full of twisted trees and dead things. A lanky SORCERER strides in front of a large oak tree.
SORCERER
Well, well, running away are we? You hero-types don’t often show such foresight. Not that it matters, though.
We see that the Sorcerer is chasing a chiseled blond HERO-TYPE. Hero-type has a cut on his face and is bleeding from is arm. He runs with a limp, unable to shake the Sorcerer.
MAN 1(O.C.)
Oh, he’s totally got your punk card. Queen of spades: The bitch!
The Sorcerer chases Hero-type to a clearing in the forest. Hero-type stops.
SORCERER
Finally giving up? Well, let’s get this over with.
The Hero-type stands up tall.
HERO-TYPE
This land is sacred to my people.
The Sorcere’s hands glow bright, then fade.
Your magic will not work here. Here, I am at my strongest.
The Sorcerer resorts to a fistfight. Not a smart move…
MAN 1(O.C.)
He trumped your punk card. You’re his lady now!
… especially against a large man with a sword. The Sorcerer is able to dodge one swing but that is all. His left hand goes flying off, hitting the ground. His right hand is sliced off, smacking the sorcerer in the face before landing on the ground.
MAN 2 (O.C.)
They do this every movie. Why do they villains keep on walking on his sacred land?
MAN 1 (O.C.)
Maybe he doesn’t have a “no trespassing” sign up or something.
The Sorcerer slips on his own dismembered hand, cartoonishly prat-falling. Hero-type cuts off his right leg.
HERO-TYPE
For your sake conjurer, I hope you can learn toe magic!
MAN 2 (O.C.)
The hell? What the f*ck is toe magic?
MAN 1 (O.C.)
Just ask your mom about last night. In my bed.
MAN 2 (O.C.)
Why? Just why?
MAN 1 (O.C.)
Well, I think you should admit that your mom has a problem.
Hero-type grabs a GIRL IN CHAIN MAIL out of nowhere, embracing her in his right arm. Suddenly her TWIN is under his left arm.
HERO-TYPE
Ladies, I think it is about time I show you some real magic.
MAN 2 (O.C.)
That’s probably one of those lines that sounded cooler before they filmed it.
EXT. DRIVE-IN
The marquee reads
THE CHILD OF WONDERTOWN – 9:15
BLOODSMASHER IV: THE BLOODENING MO 11:05
We see two men, each about twenty, sitting in an s-10 pickup that is exiting the drive-in. The dash clock says 1:05.
You know what Lizard?
MAN 2 (LIZARD)
What, Tanner?
MAN 1 (TANNER)
You could learn a lot from Bloodsmasher.
LIZARD
Well, I have seen all these movies solely for their educational value.
TANNER
No, man. Bloodsmasher the guy, not Bloodsmasher the movie! You should try to be more like Bloodsmasher!
LIZARD
(honking the horn)
First off, the guy’s name isn’t Bloodsmasher. That’s like calling Sigourney Weaver Aliens.
TANNER
Or Tony Todd Candyman?
LIZARD
No, Tony Todd was the Candyman.
TANNER
Then what’s the difference? The point is you should act more like Bloodsmasher.
LIZARD
How? By pointlessly and violently mutilating anybody who looks at me funny?
TANNER
Lizard, man, you just don’t get it. We should go crazy. Be manly. We should do a road trip.
LIZARD
What the hell, why not? Where are we road-tripping to?
TANNER
The where does not matter: only the journey.
LIZARD
(Checking dash)
Well wherever the journey takes us will probably be more than an eighth of a tank away.
TANNER
So we’ll stop and get gas. Stop being a baby. Now, Bloodsmasher Lesson 1, the soundtrack.
Tanner pops in a cassette. Loud, weird, post-modern pop.
Various shots of Lizard driving his pickup slowly.
He makes complete stops at a stop sign.
Drives at 50 passing signs marked 55.
Stops at a yellow light.
He signals early and slows to 15 to make a right hand turn.
None of the businesses that they drive past seem open. There are almost no other cars on the road.
TANNER
Fuckin’ Mayberry.
Finally a lighted sign. Lizard stops at TONY’S GAS. He pulls up next to a pump, puts the nozzle in the tank. Nothing happens.
You gotta pay first.
LIZARD
You’re in the sticks now Tanner. They trust you to pay after you pump.
The pump doesn’t work.
TANNER
It looks like they don’t trust you.
INT. GAS STATION
Nothing special. TONY (according to his name tag) himself stands in one of the aisles mopping.
Hey Lizard, what is the good word? Home all summer?
LIZARD
Yup. What’s up with the lack of gas? I thought you never closed?
TONY
We didn’t use to. But the county makes us turn the pumps off from 1a.m. till 5a.m. Some new enviro regulation. I was just fitting to turn the sign off.
TANNER
That cramps our style. We have road trip plans.
TONY
Well, the gas stations on the Res are open.
TANNER
Shwank.
LIZARD
Tanner, that’s 30 miles away. We’d be riding on fumes.
TANNER
Well, shit-balls. Is there anything open?
LIZARD
Well, there is one place, that never closes.
EXT. RZ’S DINER
an independently owned Denny’s clone.
What is this place?
LIZARD
The only place in the county that is open, and the only diner left in the state where you can smoke. The owner found some sort of loophole where he is supposed to be a cigar bar, and the waitresses and cooks are considered independent contractors selling food. Or something like that. Lots of bribery.
INT. RZ’S
half full. Most of the patrons are a little more dressed up than the normal diner crowd. A little more drunk too. A MAN IN A LEATHER JACKET spots Lizard from a booth in the back. He flags him over.
Hey Jarry.
JARRY
Hey Liz man, how’s tricks? Who’s your friend.
LIZARD
Jarry, Tanner, Tanner, this is Jarry Dark.
TANNER
Nice to meet Jerry.
JARRY
(correcting)
Jarry. Not Jerry.
Tanner refuses a cigarette while Lizard lights his with Jarry’s. Jarry lights a new cigarette in the same manner.
TANNER
What, like what you hold mayonnaisey in?
JARRY
Yo, if that helps you out buddy.
LIZARD
What you been up to?
Jarry grabs a closed laptop from next to him, shakes it in the air and returns it to the bench.
Novel.
TANNER
Those things work better when they are open.
JARRY
Only sometimes. I tell you the great American novel will not be written at a Starbucks. Instead it will be written at a White Castle. No place like it on earth.
LIZARD
Then why are you here?
JARRY
Fuck greatness. Mediocrity sells better. Plus it’s like a highschool reunion here every night. Look at them all.
LIZARD
I half recognize about half of this place.
JARRY
That’s how it works. You spend all of highschool looking at your shoes, hearing names, occasionally seeing faces, but not making any connections. Bunch of zombies shuffling around, doing nothing in particular. You’re a zombie to them, you know?
LIZARD
Hell, I’m a zombie to me.
JARRY
I blame technology. We don’t look at each other anymore. We cellaphone people, we e-mail, we IM. Men don’t look each other in the eyes.
TANNER
Are you a zombie?
JARRY
Fuck no! I’m a superstar.
TANNER
Man I hate IM. I’ll be on my computer, you know, looking at some really neat porno, and “boop,” up comes a message from my mom. She’ll be all like, “Oh, hello there my heart,” because she’s foreign. And I’ll type back, “Damnit mom I was just about to come.”
And she’ll respond, “Oh you are going to visit?” You know, because she is foreign.
LIZARD
Tanner, please, just, yeah. What’s the novel about?
JARRY
It is a parable about masculinity in modernity hidden in a by-rote spy novel.
TANNER
What about masculinity in modernity?
JARRY
Exactly. Nowadays masculinity is becoming a lost art. We have transitioned action shows towards the feminine. Dark Angel and Alias and Charlie’s Angels. But no Duke boys, no A-team, No Colombo. The action man is either oafish, or prissy.
TANNER
What about Jack Bauer?
JARRY
I started it before 24.
LIZARD
What is the point?
JARRY
I want to show that masculinity and femininity are not opposites but rather like the x and y axes of a Cartesian plane.
LIZARD
And you think this will sell?
JARRY
Yeah. There’s lots of kinky sex.
A WAITRESS walks towards the table, apron in her hand. She is handily labeled FIONA under her collar.
TANNER
Can I have a-
FIONA
I don’t know. Can you?
Fiona motions to Jarry. Jarry doesn’t respond.
Scoot over!
JARRY
Honey, I don’t scoot.
TANNER
You can sit here. I’m gonna take a shit.
FIONA
Finally, a gentleman. Sort of.
Fiona slides into the booth.
LIZARD
Hey Fiona, how’s things?
FIONA
Well, you see my lovely career here. No, things are cool. At least I’m done for tonight. How are you?
LIZARD
Well, I no longer carry the V-card.
JARRY
Some lucky gal popped you cherry? When do we get to met this young lady. I assume, of course that you are now married or at the very least, betrothed?
LIZARD
No, not really. It was kind of disappointing actually. I mean I kind of expected it to be better.
DRUNK MAN
Hey waitress, I want some flapcakes. Some hotjacks.
We see the Drunk Man sitting in the booth connected back to back with the Fiona/Lizard booth. He is tall, blonde and well built.
Sorry dude, Just got cut. I’m sure you’re waitress will be right with you.
DRUNK MAN
Oh, but I wanted you.
FIONA
Sorry.
LIZARD
Maybe there is something wrong with me.
DRUNK MAN
C’mon I tip really good.
LIZARD
Masturbating should not be better than sex with a woman.
Maybe I’m secretly gay.
DRUNK MAN
Lady, I’ve been waiting here for a long goddamn time. Just get me some panjacks.
FIONA
Dude, leave me be.
(turning to Lizard)
This guy is always bugging me.
The Drunk Man stands up and grabs Fiona by the sleeve.
Where is your mangler? You are very rude.
Jarry stands up sliding out of the booth.
JARRY
Excuse me, sir. I’m her manager. What seems to be the trouble.
DRUNK MAN
You’re the mangler?
JARRY
Yes, sir I am. We’ve been getting a lot of complaints about this one lately.
DRUNK MAN
I most assuredly can imagine.
JARRY
Shame that some women don’t know their place.
DRUNK MAN
Fuckin’ A.
JARRY
Can you just fill out this complaint form for me?
DRUNK
I most assuredly will.
Jarry grabs the man by the wrist to lead him over to the “complaint form.” He pauses, pulls the mans wrist, and violently sweeps his legs out from under him (Osoto-gari). The drunk hits the ground hard.
JARRY
Oh, shit. Are you okay buddy. You all saw: he fell. Must’ve tripped on something. Lemme help you up.
Jarry tries to lift the man to his feet, but “accidently” bangs the drunk’s head on the underside of the table.
JARRY
Ah, geez. Oh, I think he needs to sleep it off.
Jarry loads the much larger man onto his shoulder with ease. He carries him through the door, sets him down on the grass, and walks back into the diner, returning to his booth.
JARRY
I’m pretty sure you’re not gay, Liz. It might be worth a shot. The thing is, nine times out of ten, with man, woman or beast, the sex isn’t any good until the fourth time. You just have to pretend it is the first couple of times so he or she or it don’t feel bad.
LIZARD
Did you just kill that guy?
JARRY
Stay focused! Follow my advice and give it a couple more tries, if, Nyarlathotep willing you can get another shot.
FIONA
Dude, seriously, did you just kill that guy?
JARRY
It was just one little Space Tornado Ogawa.
TANNER
(walking towards table)
You guys should have seen how long my shit was. It was amazing. I knew I shouldn’t have flushed. Who is Nyarlathotep? Did I miss anything?
Tanner grabs a chair, and sits and the end of the table.
JARRY
The thousand formed messenger of the Outer Gods. A trickster.
TANNER
(said like “gotcha”)
Butter.
EXT. RZ’s – LATER THAT NIGHT
Fiona, Jarry, Lizard, and Tanner exit.
So, no road trip for us. Maybe I have enough gas to get home.
JARRY
I’ve been thinking about that. I can help you out.
TANNER
You have gas?
JARRY
I will avoid the obvious joke. My tank is full.
(Throw keys to Tanner)
It guzzles gas, but it’ll get you where you need to go.
TANNER
Shiggity.
JARRY
Maybe you should give the keys to Lizard.
THE CAR
Flawlessly gorgeous. Small and sporty. Lizard and Tanner stare in amazement.
This is my girl Shelby. She is a kit car. I built her last summer. Now guys, this is a reproduction of an AC Cobra. It has 427 cubic inches of nasty power under the hood. The originals were made of aluminum and could do zero to a hundred and back to zero in about 11 seconds. This girl is made out of fiberglass, heavier, so I had to tweak her up a little bit. A little turbo-charging, some modern brakes, she’ll throw you back in the seat.
TANNER
It is so beautiful.
JARRY
Now Liz, since you are driving, Lizard you are driving, Lizard is driving, one word of warning. DO NOT FLIP THE GREEN SWITCH.
TANNER
Why?
JARRY
Just don’t. That’s my only rule. If you are going to speed, you sure as f*ck can outrun the piggies. So do it. They’ll respect you for it.
INT. MOTEL ROOM
The television is loudly playing an episode of Green Acres. Luke Coyote lays back on the bed, a finger pointed towards the ceiling. Stuck to the ceiling are five yellow candles arranged in a pentagram, a strange blue flame connecting the candles tracing the outline of the star. The star is inscribed in a circle of blue flame and that circle is inscribed in a triangle of green flame with three large green candles at each of its corners.
Fal divi dom mi nea, fal divi requi sem. Bloody ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn. Mabra brahoring… Ryuka, hynas, res, foi, nafoi, bleh. Fucking klaatu… Fuck this shit.
Coyote throws on a coat and walks out.
INT. CAR
Lizard speeds down the dark empty road. Going a full 4 mph over the speed limit.
So, this is the manliest I think I’ve ever felt. I’m James Bond. Minus the weapons… and the hot girl. Okay, so I guess I am not all that manly.
TANNER
Man, holding a gun makes your cock feel so dang big, so that you can’t steer.
LIZARD
What kind of f*cked up Penthouse haiku has your head been writing?
TANNER
What do you mean?
LIZARD
Never mind.
TANNER
This car is definitely very manly. Channeling the power of 500 horses, screaming past mother nature like a Greek god with hubcaps.
LIZARD
This car doesn’t have hubcaps.
TANNER
Yeah, but still it is small and smooth and curvy like a bitch. Feminine you know. So by all accountants, this car is like a beautiful hermaphrodite.
LIZARD
Can you please stop this line of conversation?
TANNER
I’d like to f*ck my girl in this car. She’s a little small, but I think it would be nice.
LIZARD
Dude, don’t you f*ck your girlfriend enough?
TANNER
What do you mean?
LIZARD
Dude, I live below you. Everyday it’s like creak creek yell, moan, screaming something in Cantonese, creekcreekcreek…
TANNER
There is never any Cantonese. Well, there’s screaming in Mandarin, okay and maybe some Cantonese, but definitely not any Thai.
Outro
I’ll give you a real column next week. In fact, I’ll give you three real columns next week.
For now, make sure you read our badass feature here at Popcorn Junkies.
