Welcome back to The Saturday Swindle Sheet.
For some odd reason, I’ve got the third Barbra Streisand blurb in as many weeks, and I promise that next week will be Barbra Streisand-free, unless she ends up murdering 50 Cent or making out with Paul Oakenfold. Let’s get to it…
BLURBS OF THE WEEK
Just a week after being busted with a gun and a sufficient amount of weed while at an airport in Burbank, Calif., rapper Snoop Dogg was charged on Thursday with felony possession of a deadly weapon, although that was related to a separate issue. Snoop was arrested at John Wayne Airport in Santa Ana, Calif., on Sept. 27, after it was discovered that he had tried to pass through a security checkpoint with a collapsible police baton in his carry-on bag. While the rapper’s attorney told reporters that the baton was a prop for a music video, and that Snoop had forgotten about it, the Orange County District Attorney decided to felony possession charges because he has a past criminal record. The DA’s office issued a subsequent warrant for Snoop’s arrest, with bail set at $150,000. Since he was at MTV Europe’s Music Awards in Copenhagen, Denmark, on Thursday, prosecutors demanded that he surrender to authorities upon his return to the country. I’d really like to tie this in with the Kanye West incident, but since that story is at the ass-end of my column, for the sake of continuity, I’m going to have to instead go with 50 Cent looking like Mooseknuckle. Oh, the humanity!
The Inc. (f.k.a. Murder Inc.) owner/producer Irv Gotti recently announced that he has signed singer Vanessa Carlton to his label. This is not a joke. I swear. Apparently the two happened upon each other at Universal Records headquarters in New York, and after being floored when he recognized Carlton as the singer of “A Thousand Miles” (no White Chicks jokes here, I promise), he signed her to The Inc., and has announced that her next album will be released next spring.
-OR-
Either I’m imagining things, or Irv Gotti finally decided to spring for that much-needed makeover for Ja Rule.
Shakira took home four of the top trophies on Thursday during the sixth annual Latin Grammy Awards ceremony in New York, at Madison Square Garden, for her album, Fijacion Oral Vol. 1 (album of the year, best female pop vocal album), and song “La Tortura” (song of the year, record of the year). Argentine singer Gustavo Cerati and reggaetón fodder Calle 13 also received multiple awards, with two apiece. Not receiving any awards, however, were Jarabe de Palo, who did not release anything in the past year, but should be credited with making one of the biggest earworms in the history of rock en español. It will get stuck in your head for the next hour and a half.1
Rapper Ice-T is catching heat from critics after posing naked with his wife, swimsuit model Nicole “Coco” Austin, for the cover of his new album, Gangsta Rap, which was released on Tuesday but is not being stocked by certain retailers due to the image. Most retailers that have decided to stock the album, which is Ice-T’s first in seven years, have featured a large sticker over the cover to keep children and prudes from involuntarily viewing the image. While I don’t find it to be all that explicit of a photo, I can see how some retailers might be discouraged from selling the album. Of course, this seems like more of a publicity stunt by Ice-T, who is hoping he can rekindle his career by showing off his wife’s phenomenal ass. Little does he know that much like the music contained on said album, said album cover can be found online for free. Sucker.
Busta Rhymes was issued a traffic citation and a summons after being caught driving while talking on his mobile phone, which is illegal in new York. According to authorities the rapper reportedly was spotted driving past a police station around 7 p.m. on Thursday, brazenly talking on his mobile. Next to be passed, hopefully, is the law making it illegal to wear those damn headpieces when you’re not on the phone.
Yusuf Islam (f.k.a. Cat Stevens) has been added to this year’s Nobel Peace Prize Concert on Dec. 11, Oslo, Norway, joining Simply Red, Lionel Richie, Rihanna, Wynonna Judd, Paulina Rubio, and Renée Fleming. The concert is held annually, the day after the award is presented at the Oslo City Hall.
An audience member threw a contained filled with some sort of a beverage at Barbra Streisand during a concert near Ft. Lauderdale, Fla., after apparently being displeased with a skit involving a George W. Bush impersonator. This is the latest in a string of instances where fans were unhappy with Streisand’s anti-Bush segment, which she’s been featuring in the middle of her sets on all of her scheduled concert stops. Streisand responded to the action by saying that “[i]t’s a free country and they’re entitled to express their opinion.” However, an EXCLUSIVE inside source for The Saturday Swindle Sheet has discovered that the perpetrator wasn’t an angry fan at all, but rather a confused Juggaloâ€â€who thought he was at an Insane Clown Posse concertâ€â€throwing a bottle of Faygo at the stage, because Juggalos are retarded.
Beanie Sigel is being treated at a Philadelphia-area hospital after it was discovered on Wednesday that an abdominal pain was being caused by a double hernia. He is said to be in good condition, and will be released on Monday, so he can continue to make shitty music.
After winning a decision in which emo/post-hardcore band Hawthorne Heights were attempting to sue them to get out of their contract, Victory Records has decided to sue Virgin/EMI for interfering with contractual relations. The Chicago-based hardcore label, seeking $20 million in damages ($10 million in compensatory and another $10 million in punitive), claims that Virgin signed Hawthorne Heightsâ€â€who had tried to file suit against Victory in August for breach of contract, copyright and trademark infringement, fraud, and abuseâ€â€while they were still under contractual obligation to Victory.
A Rolling Stones concert scheduled for Tuesday in New York was postponed by a day after singer Mick Jagger‘s doctor advised him that he should rest his voice. A similar postponement occurred a few days earlier when a show scheduled for last Friday in Atlantic City, N.J., was pushed back so that Jagger could rest. It should also be pointed out that Quaker Oatmeal hunts down and helps kick out excess cholesterol.
THE MOST RIDICULOUS ITEM OF THE WEEK
Kanye West did his best Diddy impression at the MTV Europe Music Awards, when he threw a shit fit after losing the award for Best Music Video to electro groups Justice and Simian, who won with a video made for their collaboration “We Are Your Friends”2 (for the footage, those of you in Canada go here, and everyone else go here). West, who had won earlier for Best Hip Hop Artist, interrupted the acceptance segment when he walked on-stage and started whining about how his video “cost a million dollars”, had Pam Anderson, and featured him “jumping across canyons”, adding that because he didn’t win, “the awards show loses credibility.” While this particular writer may have found the video for “We Are Your Friends” to be pretty lame, I also don’t particularly find Kanye’s video to be the greatest thing since cracked wheat, either. In fact, it doesn’t even really matter which video was better. The point is that Kayne West unjustifiably acted like a whiny little cunt, not only complaining that he lost (even after having won earlier in the night), but more so for the way that he did it, storming onto the stage, and in doing so, reminding everyone that he’s a pompous jag-off. Unfortunately, there was no award being given for Most Pompous Jag-Off, or Whiniest Little Cunt, because he would have won both of those, and then Diddy would have stormed onto the stage and the two of them would have brawled until the combined mass of their two egos would have suffocated everyone in the room. That would have been awesome to see, though. West later told reporters that he had acted the way he had because he “had a little sippy sippy” before the show, although I’d be willing to bet that it probably happened more so because he’s a pompous jag-off.3
Cheers
-JF2k6!
ENDNOTES
1 BonitOWNED
2 billed as Justice vs. Simian, “We Are Your Friends”
3 Thanks to Murtz Jaffer and Gloomchen for their help with the video links for this story.
