SLAYER’S WRESTLING AND STUFF!
Personal Note: This column is dedicated to my brothers and sisters from The Rock. We’re all having a rough couple weeks, hope my little column gives you a few moments of giggles and a well-deserved distraction. Peace be with you my old friend
Hi Everybody! Welcome to another edition of Slayer’s Wrestling and Stuff! Today, we’ll do the usual as we gab a little about wrestling, tell the IWC to f*ck off and leave us alone, and of course go over the
week ten days that was with the Divas. I was going to do a certain DVD review today..but I decided against it after my column got to a certain point. However, this column will feature something not seen on any other website:
EXCLUSIVE COVERAGE OF LITA’S VICTORY SPPECH AT RAW! It was so controversial, it had to be edited out”¦yes”¦while it was live!
But, first..a little business to take care of. As per election day, America got its wish and gave a kick in the pants to the psychopaths in the White House which is only a fraction for what these guys deserve, but they’ll get their rest of the due when they die and wake up in hell. Oh relax you silly Republicans, all politicians go to hell. You wanna win an election? Sell your soul to Satan. Those kooks in the White House”¦they did some bad things”¦they’re going deeeeeeeeeeeeeep in there. They will be in the inner most circle of Hell for the crimes they committed against the human race and more importantly, the crimes against God’s Children. Their souls will forever be tortured as they spend all eternity lamenting the fact they used the word God as a shield to protect their own personal sins.
Actually, I really don’t believe in Satan/Hell or at least not the mainstream interpretation of it and I have no idea what the Powers That Be decide to do with a politician’s soul, nor do I really believe anything I just said but come on”¦ I had you there for a second. But if I had to make a guess”¦I think they get reincarnated into dandelions.
However, I was going to use this as segway for something, what was it? Oh yeah! For those of you new to my column, we have all been having our own fun with elections and faith by wishing that the WWE give Booker T at least one month of being Champion of Champions! And folks, WE DID IT! Yes, it wasn’t because of some road agent or writer or even Triple H, but by all of us by doing two things:
1) Making the silly rabbits vote for Booker to get his title be put up for grabs. That itself was half the reason he had to win. You think they’re going to strip the title from the Brand they have spent the last few months completely re-building so that it can be on the same entertainment level as RAW? Well”¦they actually might. So we had to do another thing.
2) We all PRAYED to Vince McMahon..and he listened to our prayers and granted all the readers of Slayer’s Wrestling and Stuff their wish! Thanks for listening Vince, and I know you’re reading too so enjoy my Diva recap!
Anyway, I enjoyed Smackdown and Raw. However, I’ve been saying something almost every week, but you guys don’t seem to comprehend something”¦Smackdown is the better show. That includes you Mr. Hatton!
See, in his Rabblecast, Hatton admitted to not loving the Raw so much”¦and then admitted to not watching Smackdown”¦well as I explained a couple weeks ago..RECORD IT! Here are the many ways to do so
1) The old-fashioned VCR if it hasn’t exploded yet
2) Tivo..is that still around anymore?
3) Those DVR packages many cable companies give that basically put Tivo out of business.
4) Torrenting…but you didn’t here that from me.
5) Recordable DVD Player.
Oh and listen to the Rabble show too, the IRS stuff is priceless.
Anyway, what was my point? Oh Yeah! As I was saying before, I enjoyed Raw and Smackdown this week..ECW is sort of getting stale but that’s ok..it’s gonna be getting a facelift soon, they just haven’t figured it out yet. Anyway, more importantly I enjoyed Raw. It was a very unique episode which they can afford to do when they are still a few weeks away from their next PPV. I liked it, a lot of my friends liked it..even the Mistress likes it but that’s because she has a weird crush on Eric Bischoff and the more he is on television, the better Monday night in bed turns out for me which is probably no coincidence and this sentence has just become the TMI of the week, hasn’t it? Sorry about that”¦.
But the IWC”¦like the old skit, Men on Film”¦.”hated it”.
I mean, ever since I started this stupid wrestling column wayyyyyyyyy back in September, I decided to check the IWC out”¦and I think I will now stop doing that. I don’t know what to tell you guys. I gave you guys some great advice in my debut column, but no one is taking it”¦or no one read my debut column as they often do go unread.
Which brings me to this beautiful Forum Thread about John Cena No really, some great points being thrown around. The initial post on that thread is excellent and the thread makes a good read.
With that said, it’s not that I disagree with you guys, in some fashion I agree with much of what you all said, it’s just that way too many people are sort of missing the point with Cena.
It has nothing to do with marks. I mean come on…smarts vs. marks…how 1995….let people enjoy pro wrestling the way they want it. Because these so called-Stupid Marks who will eat any shit Vince throws at him as you guys have put it..well..if you haven’t noticed it…these “marks” are f*cking 8 years old!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Excuse the hell out of them if they don’t share your same resentment.
And that’s really what it is about. It’s about getting the kids hooked and creating lifetime fans just like they did with us by using a shitty yet charismatic wrestler named Hulk Hogan.
So back when we were all little pipsqueaks and watched Wrestlemania III, how many of us said that having to watch Andre “pass the torch” to Hogan was an insult to the craft of professional wrestling? How many of said that the Macho Man vs. Steamboat should have been for the WWF Championship? How many of us were upset that Vince was putting his guys over the NWA/AWA/WCCW guys? We weren’t..we just enjoyed the show”¦what a concept.
These kids”¦.they really like John Cena. Anyone who has been to a live WWE show can see that “passion” on their face. And while we’re whining that DX isn’t going to let Edge/Orton get over as major heels, ask the kids what they think of Edge and Orton. They don’t like them too much.
I don’t know what to tell you guys. In the last few years, wrestling has reverted back to a kids’s show and they are making the $$$ to prove that business strategy is correct. As for the whole ECW brand, it has nothing to do with resurrecting ECW. As one who was chanting ECW back in that shithole elk’s lodge in Queens wayyyyyyyy back in the day, trust me..ECW died long before the TNN cancellation and every long-time fan knows. Instead, ECW has more to do in making a “mature” brand for the non-kids. It’s not working to well..but we’ll talk about that another time.
And that’s basically it folks. You’re getting pissed over what is nothing more then a live-action cartoon for kids. What’s next? Criticizing the realistic continuality of Blue’s Clues?
So essentially, the IWC Complaint Of The Week was that it was classless for Umaga to do what he did to Maria. Maybe I’m wrong, but that sounds like marking out to me. It’s ok, it’s nothing to be ashamed of, makes the show more fun.
You’re all pissed off at me now, aren’t you?
What do you want from me? I watch wrestling because I like it”¦..
See, I did have the Bret Hart DVD review to be scheduled”¦but I think after all this, we’re all just a little too angry at each other right now and that DVD whether one likes it or not (and both sides have points) deserves complete attention. So we’ll do it next week.
So everyone relax”¦
close your eyes”¦
take deep breaths using the diaphragm”¦”¦
in through the nose, out through the mouth”¦
clear your head of resentment and hatred”¦
one more deep breath”¦”¦
open your eyes”¦”¦
Now open up a beer and light a bowl it’s time for
SLAYER’S WEEKLY DIVA SHOWCASE
Oooo..I like that title..
Also, this week we got a Super-Sized Diva Recap! Where we cover Cyber Sunday, Raw, ECW, while being bookended by two episodes of Smackdown. Get it? Bookended?….Smackdown?….Booker T’s finishing move? Come on”¦.it’s at least clever, give me that. No? Ok, I’ll move on. Let’s go into the time machine, and go wayyyyyyyyy back to two Smackdowns ago”¦delele, delele, delele, delele, delele (ok, half you guys got that, half of you didn’t).
Chavo and Evil Vickie begin taunting the poor little Rey Mysterio by bringing the chair that put Rey’s wrestling career to an absolute end! And once again, those two Jazz-Cats are wearing the coolest clothes ever.
ABOLLAHABOOKALAH! Ray comes out”¦he ain’t gonna take this crap..uh uh!
Chavo and Evil Vickie Wait for Rey to get in the ring!
Rey seems to be taking his time”¦.
Chavo and Evil Vickie keep waiting”¦..
Rey edges a little closer”¦.
Rey’s almost there”¦”¦”¦
Chavo: You know, if you used TWO crutches, you would actually get here faster”¦it’s called physics.
Evil Vickie: Is it me or is Rey wearing two watches….that’s kinda psychotic”¦
Chavo: Well it’s about time you got here”¦ok”¦…now you can leave!
Rey can’t take it anymore and screams “Fuck you you peechie bug.Vaco Loco Forever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Swings and misses”¦.just like the Detroit Tigers”¦.ooooooooooooooooo
Chavo”¦he doesn’t miss. And for further insult, writes “I OUIT!” on the chair. Wow! Ouit! That’s going too far if you ask me. I’m not joking. You know what Ouit means in Tijuanese Slang? Oh man”¦you don’t wanna know”¦but trust me”¦it’s bad.
Vickie: You de man!
Chavo: No, you de man!
Vickie: No, you de man!
Chavo: No, you de man!
Vickie: No, you de man!
Chavo: No, you de man!
Vickie: No, you de man!
Chavo: No, you de man!
Vickie: No, you de man!
Chavo: No, you de man!
Well”¦that was fun! Let’s check to see the what is the latest with”¦”¦”¦”¦..
SMACKDOWN DIVA GOSSIP!
Well don’t look now gossip fans! We got some hot stuff in the Tag Team division. The spies say that WWE’s most available bachlorette, Ashley was seen giving Brian Kendrick a kiss in the cheek! An innocent little sister-kiss or the start of roooooooomaaaaaaaaance!
Remember that girl named Amy Zidian”¦the first to be eliminated in the 2006 Diva contest? You don’t. Well don’t worry..nobody does. But the spies say that Jimmy Wang Yang has hired her for her managerial services”¦and maybe”¦a little more! WooooooOOOOOOOOooooooooOOOOOOOOoooooooo!
But what really has Hollywood talking is Rey Mysterio and Chris Benoit! They say Chris Benoit has been hesitant about the possible budding relationship but does it anyway because it really turns Nancy Daus on. (Sorry kids, gotta have been watching rasslin for a couple decades to really get all the dimensions of that joke”¦but trust me”¦it’s hilarious.)
Let’s take a look at a match, shall we?
Inter-Gender Tag Match
Kristal & Miz vs. Layla & Vito
Miz: Hell yeah, I’m awesome!
Kristal: Absolutely you’re not!
Say what you want about a man in a dress but it beats showing your whole socks.
Then the Diva beats up the transvestite! I’ve seen Dutch porn that went the same way as well.
Anyway, she gets the pin and Miz-Kristal are your winners!
The Boogeyman returns again!
Kristal: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh! Somebody get me out of this dead end angle!
Kristal then gets on her knees and pleads, “Boogeyman”¦seriously, my career has really been taking off these past few months”¦please don’t do what you do to everyone else and destroy whatever momentum they had until they met you! Plllllleeeeeeeeeaaasse!
Her pleas for mercy go unheard and she gets a face full of worms”¦you know..I’ve seen Japanese porn that ended up like this.
So, the wait was over and we had”¦Cyber Sunday!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Let’s review what I said in last week’s column”¦.
“¦it’s Lita vs. Mickie for the Finals at Cyber Sunday. Your choices are a No-Disqualification, Submission or Diva Lumberjack rules..lemmie repeat”¦.they are No-Disqualification, Submission or Diva Lumberjack rules.
Yes, a no-DQ match between the two best female wrestlers in the business right now. I swear to God, if you punks choose the diva lumberjack match”¦then”¦just”¦go away”¦”¦
And you guys pick”¦.a lumberjack match.
Godf*ckingshitdammitmotherofallcreaturesgreatandsmall!!!!!!!! What is wrong with you people?!?! You’re all just a bunch of John Cena marks that will eat any shit Vince McMahon throws at you”¦.pheh!
So we got ourselves a
WWE DIVA LUMBERJACK WOMEN’S CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
Lita vs. Mickie Jame
Ariel comes out”¦.which makes me feel a little better….
Victoria comes out”¦which makes me feel even more better”¦.and I also see Trinity has taken my advice to really move forward with the roadsign gimmick”¦.that helps too..
They do a lesbian gang bang on Mickie James”¦.and look who’s having the most fun, Victoria! She’s cute when she’s happy! I know I usually go full out with pics like these, but I’m still mad at you guys, so no.
Is it me or has Lita over the past couple months begin to develop Jim Ross disease. Oooo. Didn’t like that one did you? Well good!
And Lita wins the belt!
How? I don’t know, I had things to do that night so I couldn’t hook up with my wrestling-lad and lassies and I sure as hell wasn’t gonna pay 40 bucks for this crap.
However I can tell you this is her FOURTH TITLE REIGN! Tying her for second place with the Fabulous Moolah herself. So, there you go.
She has cool pants.
Let’s move on to RAW for the post-Cyber Sunday Diva Fallout including EXCLUSIVE COVERAGE OF LITA’S SPEECH! It was so controversial it was edited out”¦yes”¦while it was live!
Lita comes out as the NEW champion! Unfortunately, Edge got really injured and had his mouth stapled shut, so Lita would have to do the talking”¦.
Lita begins the traditional post-ppv victory speech.
“You know, I’ve been through a lot over the past couple years. I had my personal life dished out in public and in turn the Internet Wrestling Community, who were once my biggest and loyal supporters turned against me. It was understandable, you see my ex-boyfriend Matt Hardy, he was beloved by the IWC. I guess in a way, the IWC saw a reflection of themselves in him and saw my betrayal of Matt as a betrayal against the wrestling fans. After Matt got suspended for completely breaking any sort of rationale and sane boundries, I was made out to be the bad guy. While I tried to be a good soldier and continue with my face-run, it halted to a screech at Madison Square Garden when you all chanted “slut” and “we want Matt.” The IWC then forced the WWE’s hand and brought Matt back and reluctantly booked him in a few “potato matches” against my lover, Edge. And what the IWC never seemed to understand is THEY GOT WORKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
A hush came over the crowd!!!!!!! Lita continued, “Yeah, that’s right”¦you all got worked!.” Edge laughed so hard, he broke a staple.
Orton played along”¦.”Wow Lita, are you trying to tell me that some things on the Internet may not be true?
Lita: Can you believe it?
Orton: Even when it comes to a business that for the past 100 years has made the majority of its money by conning people?
Lita: Who knew, right?
Orton: Even if this news was reported by dirtsheet writers and webmasters with no journalistic credentials whatsoever?
Lita: Even in those cases!
Orton: Does that explain why these same dirtsheet writers and webmasters refuse to report on this story anymore because they realize they were nothing but pawns?
Orton: I don’t know, Lita. Seems a bit far fetched. Why go through all that trouble?
Lita goes back over to Edge and continues”¦”Let me explain. Myself, Matt, and Adam, the man you know as Edge had some adult issues to work through. It wasn’t easy for any of us and admittedly, Matt was the one to get hurt. But we all worked together to get through it and he always had both of our support. At the same time, Matt’s heel career was going nowhere, and Edge’s super baby-face run rendered him into a complete retard. So the WWE decided to make a switch, they just weren’t sure how it could be done. So we all got together and put together this plan. It was easy, get the hardcore wrestling fan to resent Edge and myself at such a level that they would totally boo us out of the building while at the same time lamenting the “firing” of Matt. We even got Paul Heyman to play along when he “outed” us on the ECW PPV. The hardcore fans were so passionate about it, that the fringe fans and the kids soon followed suit. As you can see, it worked out well for myself and Edge”¦.as for Matt”¦well”¦.that didn’t work out as we all hoped but that’ll be fixed soon enough.”
My thoughts on this”¦.WOW! What a great promo. Truly one of the classics! What did she mean by that last line though? Let’s leave that alone for a bit and see what Melina is up to?
What’s this???? Nitro won back the IC belt!
Leaving Jeff without a title”¦..meaning the Hardyz reunion is upon us. Ohhhhhhhhhh, that’s what Lita meant”¦it all makes sense now!
No worry kids, that’s just a stunt double!
You know a girl is hot when they still look that way when they’re dead.
Well, enough about those shannigans”¦besides, enough people talked about it this week. Let’s do a match!
WWE WOMEN’S CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
Lita vs. Mickie James w/ one arm tied around her back!
I found it funny it took the Ref like 5 minutes to get the knot on. Mickie looks annoyed”¦easy girl”¦he’s obviously what they call a “novice”.
A women DDTing a tied up woman. I’ve seen amateur American Porn that had similar scenes. That looks like it really hurts”¦”¦.
Oh, Lita hon, it’s spreading. You really need to see a doctor about this.
The great Cindy Margolis”¦a personal fave of mine”¦”¦.glad to see her making a comeback! Why WWE wasted a pic on her is beyond me but why the hell not.
Let’s see what’s cooking in the evergrowing apathy known as ECW.
That’s it for ECW!
Hey, don’t worry about it, that pic was the best part of the show.
Now let’s look at the latest Smackdown! We had a lot of Diva action”¦but not a lot of Diva pics”¦sometimes WWE giveth”¦and other times they just don’t.
While King Bookah thanks the readers of Slayer’s Wrestling and Stuff, GM Theodore Long takes a quick pinch at the Royal Booty! That little devil”¦you go playah!
The King however did not appreciate the gesture”¦.
King Bookah: Don’t you evah put your peasant hand on my royal wife’s behind”¦again!
Queen: Tell him my King! Mwah Mwah Mwah
Teddy Long: *sniff*”¦.I’m sorry”¦it’s just such a nice bootie”¦
King Bookah: yeah”¦it is”¦
Matt: Amy, Jimmy! I got a great idea!
JWY: No, Matt”¦we don’t want to be part of one of your internet swerves.
That’s it for this week, folks!
Of course, the Diva of the week is obvious but for the second time….
Take a good look folks…she may be pulling a Trish soon, but let’s hope she comes to her senses.
Next week as promised, I review the Bret Hart DVD!
Special thanks to Lady Adara for the pic!