Roll up, roll up… come read the Pulse Wrestling Raw Report hosted by yours’ truly, who’s up WAY later than he should be, as he try’s to stay awake and watch Raw at the same time. Sounds tricky. Better just stock up on supplies of drink and food and I’m set. Anyway, Raw…
Will anything be said about Heyman? Will they even TRY to explain why both MNM and The Hardyboys are back together AGAIN? Or why Matt Hardy is even on Raw at all? Who will win the 8-Man Tag Match? Click to find out…
A video summing up last week’s attack on Ric Flair by Rated-RKO kicks off Raw, and it’s pretty damn awesome in putting over Orton and Edge. The regular Raw opening video is on, the pyro goes off and we’re live!
RRRRRRRRRAPADOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…. The Champ is here, and the crowd goes nuts. The camera shows some guy in a military uniform taking pictures of Johnnyboy. I question his sexuality.
Cena has a message. Sometimes when there’s a fight, you’re not alwasy going to be the biggest or strongest. And last week, when he was challenged by the undefeated Umaga and he accepted, people thought he was crazy. Cena then takes the piss out of Umaga’s gibberish, and says he’s ready to fight… RIGHT.. NOW!
Scary.
Mmmm… Melina’s music hits and she walks down to the ring. Cena actually makes me laugh and says “Umaga, you look very, very different”. Melina then gabbers on about the match Cena has with K-Fed, then Cena comes back with a sex joke.
Cena insults Melina, then Melina slaps the taste out of old John boy. Then Cena teases F-Uing her, but Chris Masters tries to make the save but get’s tossed out of the ring. The Coach’s music hits, and out he comes. To the dismay of the crowd, he announces Umaga vs. Cena at New Years Revolution. But tonight, LIVE ON RAW, it’ll be Cena in the Masterlock challenge. If he loses, he… get’s cut off by Cena and Cena proceeds to tell the truth and say he’s crap and unentertaining. Hear hear.
In some of the most retarded TV I’ve seen, Cena asks the tech guys to show a secret video that was filmed in the toilets that shows The Coach dancing and singing “I’m, too sexy for my shirt… too sexy for my shirt”… you know the one.
Oooo… Coach is pissed, and he makes the Masterlock challenge for the WWE Title. Cena’s not too pleased, as we go to the break.
We’re back, and Randy and Edge are talking quietly in the locker room. Kenny (from the Spirit Squad, remember?) walks in and asks to join up with Rated-RKO, but is denied. Edge tells him to go out and prove himself, but otherwise, he’s not interested.
Lillian Garcia is in the ring and announces that the next match is dedicated to Rowdy Roddy Piper, who has cancer if you didn’t know. Oh geat… The Highlanders vs. Cade & Murdoch.
The Highlanders vs. Cade & Murdoch
Lance Cade is looking mighty gay with white jeans and long blonde hair. Hold on… I thought this was dedicated to Piper, not Jarrett. Ah well. Maybe he got confused. Anyhoo, the action starts in the ring and I’ve got to concentrate. Cade & Murdoch take control, grounding Rory. A couple of quick tags between the rednecks and we see some good double team action. Rory sticks a foot up as Murdoch goes for a splash from the turnbuckle and tags out to Robbie. Robbie makes a short lived attack before C&M take control. Murdoch is thrown out of the ring, Robbie confuses Cade, goes behind and quickly rolls him up for a 3 count.
Winner: The Highlanders
Some bad emo music hits and here comes Maria, out for a match with…. Victoria. Awesome! Vic’s got a checklist with the names of the women on Raw on it. There’s only 4 names. That’s funny. Candice is already checked off, Maria is next down the list.
Maria vs. Victoria
Victoria makes light work of Maria. A couple of punches, stomps, kicks and she hits her move for the win. She ticks Maria off on the list, while Mickie James comes out to check on Maria. Victoria sees this, and isn’t too pleased, so she knees Mickie hard in the head, then hits her Widows Peak finisher.
Winner: Victoria
A Cryme Tyme promo video airs, where they are in some type of old folks home, singing Christmas Carols with “hood” twists, like “Jimmy the red faced crackhead” to Rudolph the red nosed reindeer, and other amusing songs. Man… this has gone on too long.
Shelton, Hacksaw, Super Crazy and Todd Grisham are shown in the back watching TV. Shelton isn’t impressed, and thinks they are setting a bad example for black people. Shelton challenges Super Crazy to a match, due to him laughing at the video. Crazy then calls Shelton a “punk ass bitch” before walking off.
We’re back from the break, and Shelton is already in the ring cutting a promo on Cryme Tyme and Super Crazy, that garners no reaction what so ever.
Shelton Benjamin vs. Super Crazy
A quick lockup to start, followed by some rope running and some head scissors. Shelton blocks a kick by Crazy, then follows up with a stiff kick to the face of his own, which floors Crazy. Shelton splash is avoided, Crazy goes for the moonsault but is also avoided, and Shelton hits the T-Bone for the win.
Charlie Haas then comes out and starts jumping up and down and celebrating with Shelton. Shelton hasn’t got a clue what’s going on.
Winner: Shelton Benjamin
Back from another ad-break, and it’s time for the Masterlock Challenge, with the WWE Title on the line. Cena hesitates to take a seat, but does so eventually. Masters hooks both arms around Cena, and it’s on!
Cena jumps and hops around like a monkey with shorts on, and now it looks like he’s doing some star-jumps. Cena’s face has turned purple, and he’s still trying to fight out of the Masterlock. Master’s releases it, but the ref is bumped. Cena locks Chris Masters in the Masterlock and Master’s taps.
Umaga then decides to waddle down and to quote JR, it’s a “pier six brawl”, whatever the hell that it. Security separates them both, but they escape the ring and start brawling on and over the announce table as JR and The King scream blue murder asking for more security. Pussies. As my good college Moustache Michaels has just made me realise, it seems they are doing the TNA Angle/Joe angle. Oh dear.
Back from another ad-break, and JR and The King recap the Cena-Umaga fight.
Torrie is backstage getting a drink, when Viscera comes up and offers to take her out for a good time. Carlito makes the “save” and promptly spits apple in Big V’s face, who then asks for a towel. A towel is thrown in his face, then the camera pans back and here’s Farooq, I mean, Ron Simmons with a “damn” for good measure.
DX are now in the back cutting a really good, serious promo on Edge and Randy Orton. Basically, they aren’t best pleased with what the did to Ric Flair last week.
This Week in Wrestling History — Chris Jericho beat The Rock and Stone Cold Steve Austin to become the first even WWE Undisputed World Champion.
Up next, Carlito vs. Viscera, and here comes Carly with the lovely Torrie.
Carlito vs. Viscera
Viscera means business and heads straight for Carlito, who he traps in the corner and starts chopping. Carlito mounts a comeback, but it’s short-lived and Carlito is clotheslined to the floor. Carlito trying to fight back, but no luck again as he’s floored again. Big Vis then stands on the back of Carlito, which has GOT to hurt.
Viscera misses a big elbow and now Carly tries to beat up Vis, but Vis counters and hit’s his slam finisher thing. Viscera goes for a splash but Torrie holds onto Vis from the outside and distracts him long enough for Carlito to hit a dropkick for the win. Torrie kisses Carlito, and the guy looks happy.
Winner: Carlito
We cut to the back and here’s Cena and Armando having a barney. In walks the Coach, and states that Cena and Umaga can’t touch each other unless it’s in a proper match for the rest of 2006. He also makes Cena vs. Estrada for next week.
We’re back from companies trying to sell me stuff, and it’s Val Venis with the Kiss Cam, and he wastes our time and gets two women from the crowd to come into the ring and kiss, which they eventually do.
Here comes Eugene, who wants to kiss. Both ladies refuse, and Eugene gets angry and goes mental, literally. It seems as though we’re supposed to boo a heel mentally challenged guy. Eugene whacks Venis with the microphone and beats him down, all the while screaming “I’m Special!!!!!!1!1!11eleven1!11!”, then makes his way to the back as we cut to another ad-break.
Edge, Randy Orton, MNM vs. DX, The Hardyboys
Back from the break, hopefully the last, and we’ve got Rated-RKO making their way down to the ring, who are then followed by MNM.
The Hardy’s music hits, the pyro explodes and here’s the Hardyboys, who stay in the middle of the ramp and wait for DX. “Are you ready…” DX are here, and now all eight men jump into the ring and start a mass brawl, which is quickly cleared as HHH takes Randy Orton to the outside and starts hammering his head onto the announce table.
HHH throws Orton back into the ring, backs him into a turnbuckle and starts raining down left and rights. Tag to HBK, a nice neck breaker and tag back to HHH, who mounts Randy Orton and continues to punch him in the head.
Orton tags out to Johnny Nitro, HHH tags out to Matt Hardy who takes control and hits a couple of elbow drops before tagging out to his brother Jeff. Snapmare on Nitro by Hardy and I lose track of what’s happening as we go to an ad break.
Back, and a NICE counter by Joey Mercury as Jeff Hardy tried to do the double foot stomp thing he likes to do in the corner. Tag to Nitro and a great double team guillotine on Jeff by MNM. Joey tags back in and a double gut buster is nailed on Jeff.
Edge is tagged in, and applies a sleeper hold on Jeff, then goes for a pin cover, which is unsuccessful. Orton is tagged in and lays the boots into Hardy, and goes for another sleeper hold.
Nitro is tagged in, Mercury is also in the ring and Hardy counters with a Whisper in the Wind. It’s pandemonium now as every second I type something happens. Kenny comes out from the crowd and nails HBK with a steel chair.
In all the commotion, Edge nails Matt Hardy with the spear and gets the win for his team.
Winners: Rated-RKO and MNM
HHH gets hold of Kenny and throws him in the ring. HBK hits the Sweet Chin Music, and HHH nails the pedigree. DX and Rated-RKO stare each other down to end the show.
