Welcome back to The Saturday Swindle Sheet.
And I hope that everyone had a fantastic Christmas, a jubilant Hanukkah, and/or are in the process of wrapping up a magnificent Kwanzaa.
I happen to celebrate Christmas myself, and it’s also my birthday, as I’m sure I’ve previously mentioned. So, on Monday night, I went with my girlfriend and a select group of my closest friends to Delilah’s, one of my favorite Lincoln Park-area bars. Don’t let the following give you the impression that it was not a good birthday, because it was. When all was said and done, I had over 10 shots, several beers, and some tropical abomination with as much alcohol as a Long Island. I have never been so drunk in my entire life. It took me two days to recover. I ended up blacking out for 45 to 60 minutes during the course of the night, and after my girlfriend and I got back up to the hotel, I was vomiting so violently that I popped a blood vessel in my eyeball. My eye currently looks like something out of a Troma film.
Ho, ho, ho!
OPENING SHOT…
BLURBS OF THE WEEK
Aside from the death of James Brown, this was one of the most worthless weeks in music news that I have ever had to report. Luckily, I have the year-end feature at the end.
The legendary James Brown was remembered during a public funeral ceremony in his hometown of Augusta, Ga., on Saturday, in the James Brown Arena, before being laid to rest at a nearby cemetery. Eulogies were given by guests including Michael Jackson, Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, and MC Hammer. Earlier in the week, Brown had lain in repose on the stage of the Apollo Theater in New York, where he had made his 1956 debut, and where thousands of fans flooded the theater and streets outside it celebrating his life with dancing and music. Brown, who had died early Christmas morning of heart failure, was 73. If you haven’t already, read Eric S.’s tribute column that we posted on Monday.
A mass influx of customers trying to redeem their iTunes giftcards on Monday and Tuesday caused the site to flake out during those two days, giving some users error messages when they tried to sign on. and making others wait for up to 20 minutes to download one song. While Apple would not comment on the technical difficulties, on online market research site that the iTunes site had received more than four times the traffic on Christmas and the day after than it had received at the same time last year. Nope, wouldn’t know what it’s like to not be able to sign on to or access your Web site, Widro. Wouldn’t know anything about that, would we?
The Rolling Stones had the top grossing tour in North America for the second year in row, racking up $138.5 million in ticket sales in 2006. Second was Barbra Streisand, with $92.5 (although she only played 20 shows at an average ticket cost of $298, and third was the Tim McGraw/Faith Hill tour, which earned $88.8 million.
Rod Stewart will be knighted in the New Year, receiving a CBE for “his services to the music industry over more than 40 years.” After learning of the honour, Stewart told reporters for The Saturday Swindle Sheet, in an EXCLUSIVE interview, “Although I’m living in California, I’m very proud to be British … I will be celebrating the good news later today. This is honestly the best thing that’s happened to me since I banged Rachel Hunter.” Well, that’s understandable.
Chicago jazz mainstay The Jazz Showcase will close its doors on Grand Avenue and Clark Street in River North on New Year’s Eve, and it appears as if the original plans to relocate will not take place. Owner and founder Joe Segal told reporters from Reuters that although he had received help from the City of Chicago to find a new venue, his search came up short, and it appears as if he’s given up and will not be reopening anywhere else. “No one’s coming up with anything that says, ‘We want you to be viable’ … They’re introducing us to brokers. But they haven’t found us anything that we can afford.”
A sleeve from The Beatles‘ Capitol Records U.S. debut album, Meet the Beatles, which had been signed by all members of the band and given to George Harrison’s sister as a gift, was sold for $115,228.82 on online auction site ItsOnlyRockNRoll.com.
OBLIGATORY YEAR-END FEATURE
As promised, here is a list, in no particular order, of ten of my guilty pleasures of 2006″¦
Bob Sinclar – “World, Hold On (Children of the Sky)” [f/Steve Edwards]
I heard this in Mexico on Telehit. The video is a flagrant rip-off of Star Wars, if Tim Burton had helped with some of the directing. As a dance track, it brings back memories of better days in dance music, from the Euro beat to the classic house-style vocals of Steve Edwards.
Gnarls Barkley – “Crazy”
If you can excuse the ubiquity of the thing (I honestly thought that Cee-Lo’s last stand on the club circuit would have been the Dungeon Family Remix of “Watch for the Hook”), it’s a really nice refreshing blast of cool air in an otherwise stagnant R&B genre. Cee-Lo’s vocals are reminiscent of ’70s soul, and when combined with a Stones Throw-esque beat, it kicks the llama’s ass.
Justin Timberlake – “SexyBack”
I just couldn’t help it… I tried to resist it… but it was everywhere. Everywhere, goddammit. But seriously, folks, when I first heard it, I had no idea that it was Justin Timberlake, or a guy at all. If you can look past that fact, it’s a solid techno track that holds its own when mixed with other, less poppy tracks, and is also radio-friendly enough to make millions.
T.I. – “What You Know”
All of my MGF contemporaries will probably have something to say now, if they didn’t already, about this one. I actually sort of liked “Why You Wanna”, too, but because of the terrible lack of creativity in any aspect of that song, I’d have to cite this one instead. The beat keeps with the Southern feel, but it manages not to be as shitty, somehow. And while T.I.’s vocals are crap, they work well here, and I’m still not sure why I like it. Let’s go with “it’s catchy”.
The Killers – “When You Were Young”
The band said that they weren’t trying to rip off Bruce Springsteen, explaining that they just so happened to be listening to one of his older albums while writing the album, and may have been subliminally influenced by him. Bullshit. This thing reeks of Bruce Springsteen so much that he could do a cover of it and everyone would assume that they covered him. From the voice inclinations to the calliope-type organ to the pace, there’s no fooling anyone. I still like it, though.
Nelly Furtado – “Promiscuous Girl” [f/Timbaland]
In an earlier edition, I opined that Nelly Furtado had sold out and is trying the slutty angle to sell more records and crossover into hip-hopâ€â€something that she had tried to do previously with Missy Elliot but didn’t fare so well. Now she’s got Missy’s friend Timbaland by her side, and I still stand by my original statement, although watching strippers dance to this song gave it a special place in my heart (see also, “Still Fly”).
Meat Loaf – “It’s All Coming Back to Me Now” [f/Marion Raven]
And a big FUCK YOU if you were getting ready to chastise me because you think this is a Celine Dion cover. Jim Steinman wrote this for Meat Loaf back in the ’80s for Bat Out of Hell II, but after it was shelved in favor of “I’d Do Anything for Love (But I Won’t Do That)”, it was covered by Pandora’s Box, and then the Afghan Hound. This song was written for Meat Loaf, and after hearing this rendition, you’ll see why. Plus, the hot and equally talented Norwegian vocalist, Marion Raven (of M2M fame… heh), is a nice complement, but he could’ve taken it himself.
Belinda – “Ni Freud Ni Tu Mamá”
If American pop tarts had the same energy, production, and songwriting prowess (the title is Spanish for “Neither Freud nor your mother”), maybe they wouldn’t be such a f*cking laughingstock. This track by the Spanish teen works very much the same as Kylie Minogue’s “Can’t Get You Out of My Head”, except it has balls.
Lucybell – “Infinito Amor”
My friend Shane thought this sounded like System of a Down at first, but then it takes off and wastes pretty much anything else that the alt-rock genre has given us in the past few years. The band, which hails from Chile, manages to make a rare rock ballad in that it is both a ballad and it rocks, with Claudio Valenzuela’s deep, soulful vocals making it a truly heart-felt song.
Busta Rhymes – “Touch It”
As a bit of random trivia, the video for this song was the one being filmed when Busta Rhyme’s bodyguard was shot and killed in Brooklyn. To add to the craziness, it samples Daft Punk’s “Technologic”, something that was brought up to me just recently. Of course, I proceeded to check out the Daft Punk song, and much to my surprise and dismay, the Busta Rhymes track owns it. “Touch It” has the same deep-yet-stripped-down feel of “Grindin'” and took the only good thing out of “Technologic”, which is such a terrible song that it could be used in lieu of Chinese Water Torture.
And my favorite song of the entire year…
Coldcut – “True Skool” [f/Roots Manuva]
First, find a producer/producers that can create a reggaetón track that doesn’t suck. Then, have them produce a track that not only doesn’t suck, but is also awesome to boot. Then, take one of my favorite emcees (after Mike Eagle, of course), have him do vocals on the track, and you have my favorite piece of music to be released this year. If I were still DJing, I can assure you that the Chicago hedz would know this one like the backs of their respective hands.
Top songs scrobbled in 2006…
The Cure – “The Lovecats”
Haujobb – “The Noise Institute”
Adam and the Ants – “Mohair Locker Room Pinup Boys”
Radiohead – “Paranoid Android”
Against Me! – “Don’t Lose Touch”
Lords of Acid – “Rough Sex”
Aesop Rock – “Leave Town”
The Rock*A*Teens – “Black Ice”
Captain Sensible – “Wot”
Depeche Mode – “Never Let Me Down Again”
Top six women in music in 2006 that are most worthy of the dillsnick1…
Amy Lee – I hate, hate, hate Fake Goth Band, but I think that Amy Lee is quite possibly the most gorgeous woman in all of music, ever. Of course, I do have a penchant for brunettes and for goth-looking chicks, even if they do happen to sing in fake goth bands. And regarding her voice… she’s great, but I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: she needs to ditch Fake Goth Band and team up with a good drum ‘n’ bass producer. It worked really well for Leonie Laws, and Amy Lee could blow her away.
Paulina Rubio – I don’t care if her crossover album didn’t score with Caucasian audiences as it was projected to have. She still my little crossover hit, and she’s still Mexico’s numero uno gatita de sexo. If you don’t believe me, just watch this. And Eric S., I know you have an anathema against Mexican women with blonde hair, but come on…
Ciara – I might not be worthy, but I think I can safely say that I’m much worthier than Bow Wow.
Joss Stone – First, she went from blonde to brunette. Now, she’s gone from brunette to black with red streaks, and I think that this is just fantastic. Plus, that British accent just adds to her sex-kitten status. I have been a fan for as long as she’s been around, and she’s the winner for 2006. I know she didn’t release any albums this year, but she was featured on that single with Sean Paul.
Marion Raven – Asian school girls love M2M. While I don’t share that sentiment vis-à-vis the girl-pop duo, I do happen to love Marion Ravenâ€â€half of said duoâ€â€who has matured very nicely. The Norwegian songstress flexed her vocal muscles this year in the aforementioned duet with Meat Loaf. While the Norwegian accent is not as awesome as the British accent, it’s up there, and I do love me those brunettes.
Mariah Carey – Mariah Carey looks better at 37 than she did at 24, hands down. If you disagree with me you are wrong, and it’s my column anyway so I’m right no matter what. She’s got the comeback story, and the great look to match. I don’t care if she’s crazy, and I don’t care if she’s had breast implants. I would still punch my mother in the face for an opportunity to lay pipe in that one.
THE MOST RIDICULOUS ITEM OF THE WEEK
Ruben Garay, the founder and webmaster of one of Britney Spears‘ top fan sites, WorldofBritney.com, announced this week that he will shut down the Web site, citing that “as Britney keeps losing her identity and credibility within fans and industry people, so is the site.” He added that Spears career is “done … no matter what anyone thinks or how they may disagree, it’s very hard to maintain the respect needed to keep things going.” He also added that seeing photos of Spears’ vagina was “sickening, although most all vaginas have that effect on me.” Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
That does it for this year. If you believe the various interpretations of the prophecies of Nostradamus, then you can expect World War III and the rise of the Antichrist in 2007. Yay! Have a happy and safe New Year, thanks for reading, and cheers.
-JF2k6!
ENDNOTES
1 This segment is not meant to disrespect or objectify women, as each of these women are incredibly talented, and should be recognized as such. It just so happens that they’re also amazingly hot.
