The Chrononaut Chronicles: TNA iMPACT! – Thursday, January 4, 2007
– I hope everybody had a great New Year’s. I had a few drinks with the little lady and we played dominos with the family. Pretty exciting stuff.
– After a video recap of last week’s Joe/Angle angle, Samoa Joe storms into Jim Cornette’s office and demands Kurt Angle, but Cornette informs him that Kurt has a match tonight and asks Joe to leave the building so that nobody else gets hurt. Joe states that he’s not there to hurt TNA or Cornette, but promises to finish what Angle started and heads out of the room while Cornette looks frustrated as we go to the Impact opening.
– Robert Roode vs. Rhino
Ms. Brooks comes out on the stage with Roode, but he sends her back while Mike Tenay & Don West discuss her bathroom meeting with Eric Young last week. Roode tries to humiliate Rhino by waistlocking him and smacking him in the back of the head, but the War Machine slaps him in the face and counters a hiptoss with a clothesline. Roode bails out to stop Rhino’s momentum and cheapshots him after a clean break in the corner, but Rhino unloads with chops and punches before choking him in the corner. Roode reverses a hard Irish-whip to the opposite corner and throws stomps and chops as we get a “Let’s Go Rhino” chant and Roode hits the old Mr. Perfect rolling necksnap, but Rhino mounts a comeback and decks Roode with a flying clothesline off the ropes. Rhino spears Roode in the corner and plants him with a spinebuster as he prepares the Gore, but a dissheveled Ms. Brooks bounces down the ramp and onto the apron to distract Rhino with her feminine wiles. However, Rhino grabs her by the hair and ducks when Roode attempts a cheapshot, but Roode stops before he hits Traci and Rhino rolls up Roode for the three-count. Afterwards, Roode yells at Brooks while AJ Styles blindsides Rhino on the ramp and shoves him back in the ring, but Rhino slams AJ with a belly-to-belly suplex and prepares the Gore again. However, Roode trips Rhino up from ringside and joins forces with Styles to stomp the hell out of the War Machine before encouraging AJ to drop him with the Styles Clash. AJ heelishly flexes his bicep and Roode pats him on the back as he leaves. That might not be a bad partnership actually.
– Jeremy Borash is waiting outside Jim Cornette’s office when Eric Young pops up to explain that his “friend” is having problems with a woman pressuring him to have sex. Where I come from, we don’t consider that a problem. JB wonders if the woman is Ms. Brooks, but EY denies he’s talking about anybody in specific and claims that his “friend” isn’t experienced in these matters. JB asks if his “friend” a virgin, but Eric says he’s from Kansas and Traci shows up to put the moves on Showtime. Ms. Brooks is disappointed that Eric didn’t get what she asked him to get (condoms?) and gives him until next week or else he’s fired, as she puts her finger on Eric’s lips and walks away. Eric notes that his “friend” is in a real pickle now and adds, “Speaking of pickles, you got a couple bucks?” Funny stuff.
– Following a commercial break, JB is in the locker room to interview Samoa Joe, who states that his rivalry with Kurt Angle was about who was the best and Kurt couldn’t handle it when Joe proved he was the better man, so he went after someone close to Joe. The Samoan Submission Machine claims that Final Resolution seems like an eternity away and promises to leave the building, but only after his job is done. Definitely better than the tired old “I thought he left the building!” bullshit when Joe inevitably runs in later, so you can tell Cornette is helping to produce the promos now as he tries to make Russo’s storylines make sense.
– The Voodoo Kin Mafia make their way to the ring wearing sombreros and ponchos as BG claims he doesn’t trust Kip on the microphone and Kip recalls BG’s “potty mouth” at Turning Point, but BG keeps the mic and notes that Vince McMahon has yet to answer their challenge. Kip interrupts with a megaphone as West wonders if it’s a bullhorn or a blowhorn and Tenay responds that it has nothing to do with Ms. Brooks so it’s not a blowhorn. Ugh. The gist of this promo is that VKM are going to show up at “high noon” in San Antonio next Wednesday to harrass Michael Hickenbottom. Could that be why HBK was so pissed off that he mentioned guys “curtain-jerking somewhere else” on RAW? This whole thing is so sad, because BG is actually doing the best he can with what he has to work with and cutting some good promos, but they’re wasted on this shit. Then again, my casual-fan buddy saw this and loved it, so who knows how it’s coming across to those type of viewers. It’s too bad Russo wasn’t around when Rhino cut that promo on ECWWE and burned his ECW belt, because a similar angle with guys like Rhino, Raven, Shane Douglas, & Team 3D calling out “the new ECW” might have actually worked since ECWWE is still pretty awful and it would have been a more reasonable target. Oh well.
– Courtesy of Paparazzi Productions, the next event in the Paparazzi Championship Series is Musical Chairs with Kevin Nash providing the music by badly singing “Amazing Grace” through a megaphone and Jay Lethal calls a timeout to ask why he chose that song, since it’s an old slave song and all, but it causes Jay to lose as Nash stops singing to call him a “cracker” and everybody else sits down. Lethal getting paranoid about racist inferences because of Nash’s “black” comments recently might be a bit too WWE, but it would be some kind of character development. Senshi refuses to get up for the next round until Nash annoys him too much with the megaphone and he stands up while the remaining three sit down. I was hoping he’d kick the megaphone right out of Nash’s hands, but he doesn’t as Alex Shelley is eliminated next. They all chant “Adrenaline Rush” as it’s down to Austin Starr & Sonjay Dutt and Sonjay sits down, but Nash keeps singing so that Starr can win and invites everybody to kiss the winner as Austin closes his eyes and puckers up. This might have been funnier if the exact same megaphone wasn’t just used in the VKM bit, but it was the weakest of the PCS segments so far. Between the megaphone and the fat guy in the thong, why does it seem like the PCS is getting VKM’s leftover props? Anyway, after five events we have Starr in 1st with 18 points, Lethal & Shelley tied with 15 points, Dutt in 4th place with 14 points, and Senshi bringing up the rear with 13 points. I really hope this ends with Senshi snapping at the PPV and kicking the shit out of everybody, or maybe this will be the impetus for Senshi joining LAX.
– Earlier Today, JB conducted a sitdown interview with Gail Kim and asks how the last few months have been with AMW, but she says she thought they had dealt with all their problems and moved on as a team until James Storm shocked her by breaking the beer bottle in Chris Harris’ face. Storm interrupts the interview by pulling up a chair so he can listen to Gail talk about him behind his back, but she wonders what has gotten into him and he points out that TNA doesn’t have a Women’s Division since the only women around are Gail & “Hermie” (JB). I hope the Rock doesn’t sue. Storm gets in Gail’s face and questions if she’ll go back to her family’s Golden Wok and “flip rice patties” as he gives her one week to choose which member of AMW she’s going to work for. Oh please don’t let this be the typical Russo Swerve where Gail picks Storm even though he’s always been a total asshole to her on TV.
– Lucha Callajera: Homicide vs. Brother Runt
For the unilingual among you, this is a Mexican Street Fight as Runt (sadly, without Santa pants) jumps Homicide at ringside and whallops the Notorious 187 with his own NWA World Tag Team Title belt. Runt rolls Homicide in the ring and scrapes his boots on his face before tossing him back to the floor and dives off the top turnbuckle with a plancha. Runt wraps a chair around Homicide’s head to ram him against the ringpost and chokes him with an electrical cord, but Homicide back-bodydrops Runt on the ramp and throws a ladder on him. Runt’s head pops up through one of the rungs and Homicide waffles him with a chairshot as the Notorious One brings the ladder into the ring and Tenay announces that LAX have accepted Team 3D’s challenge for Final Resolution. The back of Runt’s head is bleeding as he comes in to drop Homicide with the Acid Drop and covers him, but Konnan distracts the referee while Hernandez launches Runt with a sick Border Toss onto the ladder and Homicide gets the uno-dos-tres on Runt. If it was a No-DQ Street Fight, why did Konnan need to distract the ref? Afterwards, Homicide hooks up Runt for the Gringo Killa but Team 3D run in to make the save and LAX flee the scene as Ray throws the ladder out at them. I might be the only one judging from the comments I’ve seen online, but I like this LAX/3D storyline and think it could lead to a pretty good series.
– A great video package airs with soundbites from Jerry Lynn, Christopher Daniels, & Chris Sabin to build up their “Past, Present, & Future” three-way match at Final Resolution. Jerry is disgusted at the lack of respect, Sabin has no respect for anybody, and Daniels doesn’t need anybody’s respect because he has the X Division Championship. Simple and effective.
– In footage taped “Last Night”, James Mitchell invited the TNA camera crew along (no WWE-style “invisible camera”…thank you!) as he brought Abyss “home” outside the prison and taunts him with nasty memories of his incarceration while the NWA World Champion does his best Gunnar-Hansen-as-Leatherface screams and yelps. Mitchell reminds Abyss that he, not Sting, got him out and states that he knows the whole story of “blood, horror, betrayal, and unforgivable sin” while Christian & Tomko only know one sentence of it. Mitchell claims that Abyss has tried to hide his secret for 16 years and he’s held it for 18 months, but threatens to bring the Monster back to the prison again if he doesn’t break his bond with Sting, which causes Abyss to freak out and choke Mitchell against the fence. I’m still intrigued but I don’t like how Mitchell treats Abyss now, although I guess that’s the point since he’s a heel.
– Christian Cage vs. Kurt Angle
Jim Cornette appears on the ImpacTron to interrupt Christian’s entrance and announces that Tomko will be barred from ringside during the Elimination three-way at Final Resolution, while Angle’s entrance is interrupted when Samoa Joe attacks him from behind on the ramp and throws him into the ringsteps. Joe is still limping as he pounds Kurt, but the Olympic Gold Medalist kicks the Samoan Submission Machine in the pineapples and chokes him with his warmup jacket. Joe elbows out and tosses Angle over the announce table before ramming Angle into the ringpost while Christian watches the carnage and smiles in the ring. Joe hurls Angle over the guardrail and they brawl in the crowd as TNA Security attempt to separate them and we go to break. When we come back, things are still chaotic so Cornette comes out and becomes the most popular authority figurehead ever by ordering the Security to protect the fans and let them fight! Joe throws Angle into a corrugated-cardboard wall backstage and through the doors while Cage & Tomko confront Cornette at ringside. Outside the Impact Zone, Joe flings Angle into a guardrail, but the Olympian fights back with chairshots across the back and chokes Joe with his t-shirt while Tenay talks about the evolution of their rivalry from professional competition to a heated personal issue. I could have sworn I said the same exact thing in my recap last week, so I guess I was right and there is a somewhat logical arc to this story. Joe kicks off an anklelock attempt and Angle throws him against a (real) wall, but Joe chairshots him across the back and rams Angle into the wall as he rips at Kurt’s eyes and runs him face-first into a door.
Angle picks the ankle for the anklelock, but Joe kicks him off and slams the back of Angle’s head against the door several times. Ouch. Joe gouges Angle’s eyes again as he drags him down a hallway, but Angle weakly “hits” him with a sheet of thin plywood a few times and Joe reverses an Irish-whip through another door to go back outside. Joe clotheslines Angle against a wall and bites the top of Kurt’s head as they stagger away toward a table conveniently set up near the production truck and Angle repeatedly slams Joe’s head on it, but Don Harris makes his first on-screen appearance in months to try to quell the chaos and Joe bodyslams Angle through the table. Kurt grimaces in pain and TNA Security attempt to restore order as we go to break and when we come back, Angle is in the ring as Cornette pleads with him to calm down. Joe rushes down to ringside and TNA Security hold him back as Angle kicks away at his head and dives off the apron onto him, but Joe applies the choke while they scuffle on the announce table. Security finally pull them apart as Cornette announces that their rubber match at Final Resolution will be a 30-minute Ironman Match. Christian Cage attacks Angle in the ring and stomps away as Tomko intimidates the timekeeper into ringing the bell, but Angle snaps off one Rolling German on Cage until Tomko runs in and blindsides the Olympian. However, the lights go out and when they come back on Sting is in the ring as he tosses Christian over the top rope while Angle pops off a release German suplex on Tomko to clean house. Sting & Angle look at each other to tease our next likely TNA Dream Match and the “Adrenaline Rush” video recap closes our first Impact of 2007.
Afterthoughts: If you can get past the lack of actual in-ring wrestling, this was one of the more entertaining recent episodes of Impact with a great Joe/Angle brawl in place of the Angle/Cage match (which should really be built up for a future PPV anyway), a short-but-chaotic Street Fight, and teases for next week with Eric Young & Ms. Brooks, AMW & Gail Kim, and the VKM crap, which will hopefully involve them actually DOING SOMETHING. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – I’m not a huge fan of the current Russo format, but if it brings in the viewers (this show scored a 1.1 after last week’s dip to 0.9) then it’s hard to argue right now. I still think there are better ways to do some of the stuff he’s doing, but I can’t do anything about it so I’m just going to sit back and enjoy as much as I can without being overly negative.
