F-Rated: Ten reasons newbies should watch 24

And so, the most-anticipated night of the 2007 TV season has ended with one killer return by his truly Jack Bauer – and yet, there’s still more to come.

For those of you who haven’t figured it out: 24, as many fans will devotedly attest to, is ‘the best show ever’. But despite the streams of praise it receives, some of us admittedly (and shamefully) hadn’t crept out from under that hunk-o’-huge-rock–actually, let’s call it a meteor of earth-shattering proportions, until last night to tally up what all the fuss is about.

Yeah, you heard me. For those of you still stuck behind that large piece of TV-obstructing sediment, it’s your time for freedom. You have less than 24 hours to discover the absolute heart-pounding adventure-filled ride that is this show, until the second half of the mind-blowing premiere airs. And we’ve got our case laid out.

Newbies, skeptics, do indulge. Fans, and random passersby tick down 10 reasons why TV virgins should be tuning in to 24.

1. An MSN friend passed on an important life philosophy: ‘Because Jack Bauer said so. And what Jack Bauer says goes.’

If last night’s episode was any indication, it seems ol’ Jack’s got a knack for unraveling the twistiest of death plots in minutes. In a jam? Just tune in.

2. InsidePulse columnist DeeDee’s roomate/24-super-watcher chimes in: ‘Everyone dies except Kiefer, everyone dies.’

There’s few shows on TV that can do death without it reeking of ratings ploy. 24 does it so much they’ve snuffed any ulterior ratings motives out of the running. They also snuffed the President of the United States, but that’s another story.

3. It’s all in a day’s work.

Sure the 24-hour gimmick they’ve got going requires some suspension of disbelief. Just when does Jack bathe, or shave, or you know pee?

Answer: Who cares?

Taking to this show means shoving all that life mumbo-jumbo aside. What’s surprising about the show is how much that stuff doesn’t matter once you start watching. We’re on a clock here people, priorities!

4. Can you say ‘iconic’? Even in a super hobo-tastic state, having not spoken for two years, and after being the obvious victim of some brutal torture, Jack exudes presence. I’ve never watched the show and I shuddered when he scampered free from those Chinese authorities.

5. Not only is he a general all-around icon, he’s also a fashion icon. Insidepulse columnist Kevin Wong says it best: ‘Man purses: If Jack uses one, then you know it’s manly to sport one.’

You can never go wrong with CTU garb. Not only are men proud to wear the gear (bags, T-shirts, you name it), they’re also proud to show it off. Grandma, put away those knitting needles–Kiefer’s got us covered.

6. So you’ve got the gear, now how about a good workout? With 24 you can be a couch potato while sweating out the trans-fats. Another IM-ing 24 fan sent this little tidbit along:

‘You totally get the best cardio workout ever with this show, you’re heart never stops pounding!’

So you’re telling me I can lose weight, while sitting still and watching TV? I’m bowing down my chubby bod to you, Bauer.

7. Dude, he totally bit someone. That’s right, Jack BIT someone. Ohh, vampire lore, how I miss you.

I don’t know if it was the work of former Buffy writer (and current 24 producer) David Fury that had Jack taking a chunk out of a man’s jugular to escape, but talk about pop culture synergism. That bite last night not only harkened back to the days when Buffy’s Angelus roamed free on the WB, but more importantly to Kiefer Sutherland’s own acting roots, circa Lost Boys.

Seamless filmic allusion – excuse the dork drool.

8. Speaking of Buffy, it seems the now extinct show about our fave vampire slayer is a lending ground for 24 actors. Kevin adds, ‘If you need that extremely tangential Whedon fix, watch 24.’

At last count Principal Wood, Xander’s one-ep buddy Jesse, and the aforementioned David Fury had made themselves a part of Jack’s day. And I’m told Trekkies will enjoy the newly aggressive stylings of Dr. Bashir as well? It’s a geekerdork’s dream cast!

9. Kicking the habit and need an addictive element to your life? 24 is the perfect fix. As another enthusiastic Net fan points out: ‘It’s the next best thing to a cocaine addiction.’

Picture this, you can get it for free on network television, and all the dark alleyways you enter are easily escapable by the harmless flip of a channel. Plus, drug-free euphoria starring hunky Kiefer Sutherland?

10. Two words: ‘Jack is Back’

It doesn’t really matter that this lyrical mantra has been used and abused in every promo spot for the show’s return -it never gets old, and certainly never cliche. It’s this year’s ‘McDreamy’, and if 24 keeps ‘clocking in’ episodes like tonight’s offering, expect the playful verbiage to continue.

So no more nitpicking newbies, the clock’s ticking and you’ve got a mission to complete. Are you 24 fan?

Sir Linksalot: 24