30. Undertaker. COME ON WWE!!! I’m so sad. I’m also Tom Pandich. This is Raw. We’ll be here all night.
We’re here from Dal-“ass” (hee hee). HBK comes out to a nice pop. He says he was close at the Rumble even though the Undertaker won. Michaels really, really wants Cena though. Cena comes out. He has something to say…. that’s interrupted by Edge. Edge has Cena’s number and wants a shot. Orton comes down and say Edge has had his shot. They bicker and Cena tells them to shut up and bring it. Vince puts a stop to that and makes a tag team titles match on “fan appreciation” night.
Cryme Tyme comes out for shout outs, and it’s wrestling tyme.
Cryme Tyme vs The World’s Greatest Tag Team
Haas starts out with some bonifided wrestling on Shad. Shad thugs out Haas and Benjamin. While the ref is distracted, Shelton hits a mean side kick on Shad. Shad is the face in peril until making a relatively quick tag to JTG. Shad tries to dump Benjamin, but Benjamin holds on and sends Shad to the outside with a huricaneranna. JTG rolls up Haas only to eat a DDT. Haas reverses and the streak is over.
Winner: The World’s Greatest Tag Team
Vince gets off on himself being great in the back. Do we really need heel cocky Vince again?
This week in wrestling history: the first Royal Rumble. The One Man Gang elimnated almost everyone but not Hacksaw Jim Duggan. Duggan “outsmarted” the One Man Gang meaning that the One Man Gang is the stupidest wrestler in the history of mankind.
Melina is going to seize an opportunity. She’s going to make her match a “First Contender’s Match” for the title.
Maria vs Melina: GOOOOOOO MARIA
Maria comes in like a house of fire. Quick roll up gets two. Kicks! Bronco Buster! More kicks! Melina takes over though with hair pulling. An Irish Whip puts Maria in the corner. Maria gets hung up on the second rope. Maria then rolls up Melina because she can. Anywho, Melina hits the world worst flapjack and follows it up with an Indian Death Lock with a bridge (which she’ll call the California Dreams…. since it’s a sleeper…. or not). Maria taps.
Winner: Melina
Later tonight IC title match. Jeff Hardy and the Great Khali. Ugh, that lug is getting the title why?
Todd Grisham stops Shawn and says how does he feel about DX being dead? Shawn says that’s why Todd got superkicked last time. How does Shawn feel about teaming up with John? With all due respect, John Cena is no Triple H. Ooo.
Also in the back, Mickey James was crazy but Super Crazy is super crazy! Melina says the only thing that’s crazy is if Mickey James thinks she’s keeping her title. Melina then spouts moon language at Super Crazy who proceeds to bitchslap her via Mickey. Catfight!!!!
In the locker room, Edge is with Murdoch and Cade. They say Orton is overrated. Everyone with sense agrees (other then the fact he blades like a mother every chance he gets). Commercials.
Umaga/Cena highlights.
Val Venis vs Umaga: Ah well, no de-push yet
Umaga comes out for the squash. Poor Val. At least he’s still working.
Winner: Umaga
It’d be nice if Val got a push in the tag division, but it won’t happen. Anywho, here comes Vince. He’s got a cowboy hat. Vince walks past Umaga as we head to commercials.
Big poster in the ring is covered by a black sheet. Vince wears a cowboy hat and gets booed. He says cowboy hats are ridiculous. He gets booed for that. He says hats are dumb. More boos. He stomps the hat to get more boos. Here comes fan appreciation night. More boos. Vince has an opportunity to say two words to these people tonight. “You suck”? Not those two words. Vince thanks the crowd for making him a billionaire. Vince asks for a volunteer. Vince calls on a “little girl in the white sweater” who is pretty darn cute.
Vince pulls down the sheet and he’s on the cover of Muscle & Fitness. Vince gives her the giant cover. That’s actually a pretty hillarious prize. The Donald pops up on the Titantron. Vince reacts to a video that doesn’t have nearly enough pauses. Trump gives the audience real money. The Shane McMahon refund is in effect. Vince is upset over this. The segment goes on for way too long.
The Coach is in the back with Vince. The Coach collected some money for Vince. Vince takes off.
Carlito and Super Crazy vs Chris Master and Kenny Dykstra
Master’s music has been toned down a bit. This should be an entertaining contest. Masters starts it out though…
Headlock on Super Crazy to start followed by some knees and kicks in the corner. Crazy gets tossed into the ropes, but he springboards off of the second rope with a cross body. Masters manages to regain control with a bear hug followed by a rush into corner. Kenny gets the tag and goes for a sunset flip, but Crazy rolls through it and hits a sit down drop kick. Tag to Carlito who takes over.
Carlito dumps Masters. He follows it up with a hurricaneranna on Kenny who gets sent outside. Blind tag by Super Crazy. The faces hit a double suicide dive on Masters and Dykstra. Super Crazy heads back in, but Masters takes out his legs as he hits the ropes. Crazy is our face in peril. A few clotheslines, suplexes, and chinlocks grind the match to a crawl. Crazy gets side suplexed but he gets a few punches in which I guess counts as a reversal. Lukewarm tag to Carlito.
Carlito hits a few knee lifts and clotheslines. Super Crazy dumps Kenny. Masters takes Carlito up in a military press, but Carlito thumbs Masters in the eyes. Carlito hits a back cracker for the win.
Winner: Carlito and Super Crazy
Todd is in the back with Randy. How’s he going to deal with the Edge problem? Randy dodges the question several times!!!
Cena/Michaels vs Rated RKO later tonight. Jeff Hardy vs The Great Khali is next.
Intercontinental Championship Match: Jeff Hardy vs the Great Khali
Khali meat hammers Jeffykins. This match goes on and on. Hardy hits a few moves of offense only for Khali to continue to squash him. Khali almost shrugs off a Whispers in the Wind. Khali misses the big boot and crotches himself. Khali tosses Jeff Hardy outside. Khali wins by countout… like a moron.
Winner: The Great Khali
Khali doesn’t seem to care. What a retarded match.
Speaking of which, here’s the Go Daddy Super Bowl commercial spot, and it’s just as dumb as every other spot we see with her. Half an hour left kids. Stay strong! Cena/Michaels vs Rated RKO next? The bump seems to indicate that.
Wrestlemania Recall: Money in the Bank: Edge wins at XXI.
Vladmir does his spot. JR tries to sell us on the replay. Who actually orders that? They show more highlights of the Last Man Standing match. Cena won in case you forgot.
In the back, Cena is with Flair chatting it up. Cena is excited. Flair is excited. Flair also puts the thought that Shawn could betray him in his mind.
World Tag Team Titles Match: Ordge vs Shawn Cena
Entrances are pretty fast all things considered. Edge starts things off with Michaels. Edge tosses Shawn into the corner hard, but he misses the spear. Michaels hits a few chops and an enziguri. The match continues as Edge tosses Michaels into the rope. Edge puts his head down and eats a boot for it. Tag to Cena and Cena is all over Edge. Suplex gets two. DDT gets two. Edge hits Cena in his ribs while rolling around. Tag to Orton who hops on Cena. A few rights by Orton is followed up by an Irish whip into the corner. Cena pops up and hits a suplex.
Orton brings Cena over to the corner and works him over a bit. Edge does the same. Cena pops up though and hits a few rights. Cena tosses Orton into Edge. Edge beans his nose against the guard rail as Orton runs over Cena with a clothesline. Randy wants a tag, but Edge bails as we go to commercial.
We’re back and so is Edge. Edge is the legal man and he eats a throwback. Shawn is freaking out on the apron for some reason, and Randy knees Cena as he goes for the five knuckle shuffle. Cena rolls out only to be met with clubbing blows. Edge gets two. John tries to get a tag, but Edge holds tight with a toe hold as he tags Orton in who stomps away at the ribs. Orton kicks Cena a bit more before getting a two. Cena is bleeding again (just a little though). Edge hits a standing dropkick for two. Edge tries again only getting two. Randy gets the tag and hits a few knee drops and punches for two. Orton locks on a rest hold and it’s about time for a tag. Cena powers up and dodges the dropkick. Cena gets the tag.
Rights, rights, flying forearm, kip up, inverted atomic drop, elbow off the top, tunes up the band. Edge is in trouble. Orton pops in and hits a drop kick giving Edge an out. Edge tags out and rolls out of the ring. Randy measures Michaels for an RKO which Michaels blocks. Cena gets a tag and pops in. FU! It’s over. New tag champs.
Winners and New Tag Team Champions: John Cena and Shawn Michaels
Cena is elated and Shawn is looking for a Superkick. Cena turns around and backs off. Cena is upset at Shawn simply because he’s so ready to betray him. GONG. Here’s the Undertaker! Uh oh. He stares down Cena as the show ends.
Good show. I think Fatal Four Way or whatever the elimination match is called for Wrestlemania is the right way to take this. Like the rest of the smarks and smarts, I don’t buy Cena/Undertaker. Cena/Michaels is the only match that’s strong enough to stand on its own, but WWE won’t do two face/face main events. See you cats next week.
