The Double-Team Short Form, 03.15-16.07

Another Belated In Memoria List as I try to catch up: John Inman (a 9.5 on the Jones Scale), Gareth Hunt, Lucie Aubrac, Barbara Gittings, and Bowie Kuhn. It’s not my fault that people are dying faster than I can say things about them.

Okay, it’s Friday night/Saturday morning, right around two o’clock. I’m in 7-11 picking up a cup of coffee (one squirt of toffee flavor, one squirt of caramel flavor, one chocolate-flavored creamer, a bit of steamed milk, and four Equals, in case you’re wondering). I’m at the checkout when I look out and see this SUV pull in like a bat out of hell. This guy, appears to be in his mid-twenties, jumps out and rushes in the store, getting right behind me in line, visibly annoyed that I’m in front of him. I get checked out and am putting away my change when I hear the guy say to the clerk, almost out of breath, “Pack of Trojans, please.”

Any guy out there knows EXACTLY what has prompted this situation, so much so that I don’t need to describe it. If you don’t, ask your older brother, because anyone who’s older than sixteen has been in this boat.

Dude, I hate to tell you this, but by the time you get back, she will no longer be “in the mood”. This is guaran-damn-f*cking-teed. You’ve just wasted time and money, and you’re not going to get any tonight. This, dude, is all your fault. Here are some tips from someone older and much wiser in regard to a situation like this:

1) Buy the f*cking condoms beforehand. No, your prospective partner will not think any less of you when you whip out a packet of three the moment the mood strikes, believing that you’re some kind of predator because you were ready to go. No, she will actually think more of you, that you are concerned for her health and well-being. In fact, she might let you use all three of them in one go, if you know what I mean.

2) If you should land up in this situation, do not go to a goddamn convenience store to get them. Hit a twenty-four-hour grocery store or Wal-Mart, where they don’t keep the condoms behind the counter. This saves you the embarassment of appearing like a desperate loser horndog in two ways: 1) you don’t have to ask anyone for them, especially a minimum-wage Pakistani who’s going to look at you like you’re a freak, and 2) you can pick up a couple of other things while you’re at it to disguise the true purpose of your journey. Toilet paper is always a good option. Just remember this rule of thumb, though: the only thing sadder than a guy rushing in to buy condoms is a guy rushing in to buy condoms and K-Y. Just get something from another aisle to go along with it. But not candy or anything you can get at the checkout. That just makes your purpose that much more crystal-clear. I won’t even mention the money you’re going to save, because everything at a convenience store is three times the price it should be.

Hey, weird shit like this happens to me. And you know that I’m going to use something like this for column fodder. It’s much simpler than trying to come up with something wrestling-related.

I’m going to double-team this one because I’m trashed from having to perform the herding-cats task of ordering Mexicans to do things. So, let’s hit Impact first…

THE IMPACT SHORT FORM

Match Results:

Jay Lethal over Frankie Kazarian and Jerry Lynn, Triple Threat X-Division Showcase (Pinfall, Lethal pins Kazarian, Lethal Combo): Okay, add “Kaz” on to the Tard List. Well, the right guy went over and everything, but this match verged more toward Triple Threat Formula than any X-Division match that I’ve seen. Normally, they stay away from that like the plague, especially in a match this short. Kazarian’s nifty double-pin attempt can’t hide that. They’ve got to get someone to match-book the X Division properly. Give it back to D’Amoron; he knew what he was doing. And as for Lethal’s new entrance music, somewhere on Music Parnassus, Edward Elgar is weeping. No hope, no glory.

The only problem with this is that Randy Savage couldn’t do a backslide to save his life

Homicide, Hotstuff Hernandez, and Alex Shelley over the ex-Buh Buh Ray Dudley, the ex-D-Von Dudley, and the ex-Spike Dudley (Pinfall, Hernandez pins the ex-D-Von, rollup): More fun than it had any right to be, actually. There’s not that much to say other than that, really. Well, there is one more thing to say. For all those years, Hyatte made JOHNNY FUCKIN’ RODZ an in-joke that became almost like a meme. Now that he’s actually on camera appearing in or near a wrestling ring, Hyatte is nowhere to take advantage of that. He has a history of making bad decisions, but this may be one of his worst.

Any time Homicide goes aerial, it’s a treat

Angle Developments:

Aw, poor baby got an owie

Memo To Konnan: Look, your promos are great, and I’m glad to see that you’re getting the medical help you need. But, in the future, can you avoid making reference to any condition I might have? It’s just more comfortable for me that way. Thanks.

Boy, have the X-Men gone downhill since I stopped reading comics

THE SMACKDOWN SHORT FORM

Match Results:

Mattsy-Poo over FudgePacker (Pinfall, Twit Of Fate): No. Just, no. Golden commentary by High-Quality Speaker Boy, though.

Usually FudgePacker likes to bottom

Montel Vontavious Porter over El Grande Latte, Non-Title Match (Pinfall, Playmaker): This show is getting far too silly. But the thought of Our Lord and Savior having to face this guy in order to get on the WM card is even sillier. And why are they making fun of Tegucigalpa? It’s a very nice city, from what I’ve heard.

May I suggest he call this move “Thank God It’s Over”?

Joey Mercury, Johnny Nitro, and Melina Perez over Paul London, Brian Kendrick, and Ashley Massaro, Mixed Tag Match (Pinfall, Mercury pins London, Snapshot): I don’t care that this was a PPV Pimp Match for the vaginal among them, it was the same damn match we’ve been seeing for over a year now. Only Hepple’s deriving enjoyment from these matches at this point. Therefore, I will close out with this observation: if this was under Mixed Tag rules, how is it that Nitro and Mercury were in there at all?

Oh, that London, turning a simple elbow drop into a production number

Kane versus Shaun Daivari (DCOR, presumably): A very strange PPV Pimp Match. However, they have to pimp this match somehow, and any pimp that doesn’t involve Khali is for the better. Love the tow truck routine, though.

Well, Kane’s at the point in his career where he can do something like this and get away with it

The Undertaker over Booker T (DQ, Finlay-ference): Here’s something that I don’t think anyone’s brought up, and I’m surprised no one has. Look at the interested participants here. Booker’s over forty. Undertaker’s over forty. Batista’s over forty. Finlay’s pushing fifty. Add on Michaels, and you have to wonder if they’ve mortgaged the future in order to push older guys. I don’t think they have. As UT and Booker showed, these guys can still go. The only real worry here is UT’s and Michaels’ health problems. The problem comes in the choices of people to take over for them. Cena’s played out. Lashley is still a work in progress. I’d worry more about the younger guys at this point. Of course, I’m biased, being in my forties myself, but sometimes you need that kind of perspective.

UT pays a little tribute to Jake Roberts with the slap on the back before the DDT

Angle Developments:

Nice to see that the Jeritron 5000 didn’t get cut

Vice As Virtue: Since I missed Raw again, I’ll comment on the Hall of Fame entry here, as I did last week. Mr. Fuji is, of course, highly deserving. For some reason, though, people place him on the tier directly below the greats like Heenan, Blassie, and the Wizard (a fate that he shares with Jimmy Hart). I have no idea why. He was everything a manager should be, and his charges had a great deal of success. Maybe it was having to come to prominence as a manager in the wake of Heenan and Blassie, who made such indelible impressions in their role. Maybe it was not being able to keep up promo-wise with Heenan and Hart (a fault of his gimmick, not of him). But, damn, he was great, and maybe this is the beginning of a new era of appreciation for him beyond “Fuji Vice”.

Okay, that’s it until Tuesday, where I should actually have Net access and time after I see my cute physical therapist on Monday morning. Have a good one and enjoy what’s left of the weekend.

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