We are 6 days…
The Biggest Show On Earth
Next to Ringling Brothers
..and World War II…
T H E
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E
Here are our followers:
JEFFREY – He’s wearing a Kangol hat.
ERIC – He’s wearing an ECW hat.
HERNANDEZ – He’s got his hair pulled back.
MIKE – He’s wearing headphones.
BILL – He’s also wearing a Kangol hat… forwards.
JEN – She’s wearing a hoodie.
DANI – Her hair is up in a bun thingy.
And your host who wears many hats… Me, James Hatton
As always the haberdashery of hellions, the Inside Pulse Insyders.
Tonight, Lashley versus McMahon.
“Thank god I have TNA.” – Mike
“I got it for him on my PSP” – Eric
“Can you at least watch it during commercial breaks..” – Me
Out comes Coach to discuss the main event.
“This is a commercial break.” – Mike
“No “In Loving Memory Of”…I feel gypped.” – Insydder Captain Madballs
“Well how is this: In Loving memory “Joey Mercury’s career”” – Insyder A Faceless Name
And here comes Stone Cold!
“Ok, this is important.” – Mike
“They are OPENING with this?” – Me
Apparently, a delivery truck appeared at Stone Cold’s house and they started unloading presents. A gun. A knife.
“That’s because you got paid.” – Eric
“Isn’t it bad he’s admitting he got all these assault weapons?” – Dani
Trump apparently gave them, at least that’s what the tag said. Coach feels that Vince has too much respect for Stone Cold..
“..to make him job to Brock Lesner?” – Hernandez
Well Austin sent them back, but he found out they came from Stamford, Connecticut. Does Coach think that he’s stupid?
“The audience does apparently.” – Bill
Coach tries to work his way out of it, but Austin doesn’t want to hear it. He feels that buying him off is a disqualification.. Coach stops him.
“WE GOT BEERS!” – Hernandez
“AND BLONDES! Unmarked blondes!” – Bill
Coach admitted that he did it.
“Kick Wham Pedigree?” – Eric
“Main event spinebuster?” – Me
“Jesus kick?” – Eric
“Dragonrana” – Hernandez
Austin starts to freak out.. about how if people interrupt the match he’s going to get involved and kick the hell out of them and then he starts beating up the corner.
“Did he take his Flair medication?” – Eric
“I HATE YOU DEBORAH!” – Me
Coach tries to rationalize with Austin about why Vince and Trump are so worked up over having their head shaved… bald is apparently beautiful. Austin laughs and then stuns him. Coach sells it.
Austin heads to the background. He’s covered in beer.
“HE PEED HIMSELF!!!!!!!” – Me
As he’s driving away… a limo blocks him in, as they swerve around each other, Vince starts to road rage from the back of the limo. Austin flips him off. He then beats up his limo driver.
“It’s amazing what the Genius does for work these days.” – Hernandez
“He just wants to induct Mr. Perfect.” – Me
He leaves the
Coming up… Torrie, Candice, and Ashley.
“Worst.” – Mike
“What, you are just missing a paddle.” – Hernandez
It’s a tag match.
“There are only three people?!” – Me
“It’s a three person tag match.. what?” – Bill
COMMERCIAL ONE – 9:13
Ok, so here comes Melina, Victoria, and Jillian Hall.
“Who is that?” – Dani
“Jillian Hall.. the girl with the thing on her face.” – Eric
“Herpes?” – Me
“Jizm?” – Bill
Wrestlemania – It’s a Lumberjack.. err.. Jill match.
Here come the other breasts… all the cover models. Wow, it’s a tough call.
CANDICE – MELINA – JILLIAN vs. CANDICE ASHLEY TORRIE
That’s like 12 Boobies..
So Melina and Ashley start up with a slap. In runs Victoria and a clothesline right in the corner. Tag to Candice. Candice hits a spinning heel kick and does the spin only to get kicked by Melina.
“She kicked her. They have heat.” – Mike
“Holy f*ckbeans…did Candice do a spinning heel kick??” – Insyder CaptainMadballs
Victoria now picks up Candice and tree of woe’s her. Melina then hits with a leapfrog over Victoria to bronco bust her. Now Melina chokes her against the top rope… and Victoria boots her to the face.
“I just want them to put Candice into a submission hold and slap her side-boob.” – Hernandez
Jillian heads in now and gets slapdowned.. Cnadice fights for the hot tag, but Jillian is holding her leg.
“Torrie, put your hand out!” – Mike
“It’s not her turn.” – Bill
So the tag gets to Ashley. Jillian throws her to the ropes… and a headscissors to Jillian.
Ok – all hell breaks loose.. it’s admittedly VERY sloppy.
Finally Ashley and Jillian in the counter corners.
“Shouldn’t they not let Ashley wrestle in case she hurts herself?” – Dani
“They might be hoping for it.” – Me
So Ashley wins with a victory roll. We have nothing that can save that.
WINNER: GOOD BREASTS
(As opposed to evil breasts, not bad breasts..)
Oh and also we have the No Way Out rematch…
COMMERCIAL TWO – 9:25
Here comes CM PUNK!!!! ..umm.. why?
“Did you hear that pop for him?” – Mike
“Yeah.. you.” – Hernandez
“I know, it was awesome!” – Mike
“Not since Steve Blackman have I heard a pop like that from you.” – Hernandez
Kenny is in the ring..
“Kenny in Purple and gold, the colors of Kings. Wonder what he is the king of…” – Insyder A Faceless Name
“Kenny is the long lost member of Men On A Mission.” – Insyder CaptainMadballs
So the match starts. Kenny tries to fight him. He eats a boot to the knee and then a double underhook powerbomb for two. He throws a back elbow and on the turnbuckle he goes… kicked down by Kenny.
Kenny goes right into the chinlock… and the crowd ARE popping for him. He hits the ropes and eats a flying back elbow from Kenny. Kenny picks him up, and a short arm clothesline.
Neckbreaker from Kenny. Right back into the chinlock.
“Stolen right from Orton’s book.” – Me
“He’s a heel.” – Hernandez
“Hold spots are heelish?” – Me
“They are controlling the pacing.” – Hernandez
Back on their feet.. CM Punk hits an out of nowhere leg lariat. Then Kenny eats some knees. Charges Kenny, but leaps to the outside apron. Snap kick to the face and then a flying cross body!
More knees to Kenny’s face. To the corner. Mid-rope knee into a bulldog for two.
Kenny then hits the rop toe hold onto the second rope. CM Punk almost NO sells it… lifts up Kenny… hits the ‘Go to sleep’. The end.
WINNER: CM PUNK
Edge in the background is seen clapping.
“The Clapper.” – Hernandez & Mike
“The lights go off.” – Bill
Edge anyway, continues to talk to him about the Money In The Bank and a Cutting Edge with all 8 members.. next.
“Where’s Brutus?” – Mike
COMMERCIAL THREE – 9:34
So we got all the eight in the ring.. and here comes Edge!
“Are they doing a supershow tonight?” – Mike
“Not on purpose.” – Me
CUTTING EDGE INTERVIEW SPOT
Wait for the clusterf*ck…
“Welcome to a very special edition of the Cutting Edge…” – Edge
“With that said.. let’s beat up CM Punk.” – Bill
“I feel bad he had to hang out while everyone else got their entrance and they set up the ladder.” – Hernandez
“Nah, he helped set it up..” – Mike
Edge points out that he’s been in more ladder matches than all of them combined.
“Even if you add Matt & Jeff together?” – Eric
So Edge addresses Matt, who says he’s going to be in Edge’s face. Matt still can’t interview…
“You’ll be laying on your back… like your ex-girlfriend” – Matt
“Like our ex-girlfriend.” – Mike
He then goes to Booker T
“You better have something intelligent to say..” – Edge
“I did her too.” – Hernandez
“FIVE TIMES!” – Bill
Finley interrupts Booker T.
Orton interrupts Randy… calling him ‘Fit’
Edge and Orton get into an argument… Kennedy stops the interview though because Edge doesn’t to fight, everyone else does… as he starts to say ‘Kennnnnedy’ Edge rips the mic from him.. funny enough.
Now this brings us to Jeff Hardy.
“Don’t talk on the mic Jeff.” – Bill
He says he is going to do what he always does.. steal the show.
“What the f*ck, Jeff sounded good on the mic!” – Insyder A Faceless Name
Finally the crowd starts screaming for CM Punk…
“I hate beer. Out.” – Me
“Edge, the only thing you seem addicted to is running your mouth.” – CM Punk
Edge pushes Punk into Booker and the clusterf*ck begins! Edge bails. Finley throws Jeff into the ladder… and it breaks.
Jeff and Matt team up and start eliminating people while Edge watches on. Leaving Matt, Jeff, and Punk in the ring together.
“Smart choice.” – Dani
COMMERCIAL FOUR – 9:47
Maria in the back.. red.. shiny…. red hair…. head asplode… screenshots… fishnet glove….
She introduces John Cena. I don’t care.
Cena talks. I don’t care.
Admittedly, the promo is pretty good.
“Was it good for you?” – Bill
Now a promo about the build up of Bobbie Lashley. Next is that match.
COMMERCIAL FIVE – 9:56
“We’ve only had two matches tonight?” – Eric
“Yeah, but we had five or so minutes of Maria.” – Me
“They kept distracting with John Cena though.” – Eric
“…who?” – Me
Here comes Vinnie Mac!
Now, here comes Lashley!
VINCE vs. LASHLEY
Vince grabs the mic and doesn’t want to embarrass him. So in runs Murdoch and Cade and backflip to Murdoch. Clothesline to Cade.
“When was the last time Cade and Murdoch actually won a match? You’d think the bad guys would stop using them as goons.” – Insyder DarkStar
So Cade throws him to the corner, and he no sells everything… belly bo belly to Cade. Throws out Murdoch.
Here comes Masters! Tries to throw in the Masterlock. Denied, reversal and one arm powerbombed. Here comes Nitro! Snap kicks.
“He’s just doing Tae Bo.” – Dani
In comes Nitro again to eat a powerslam. Vince is still calling on people and here comes Umaga! They go fist to fist.
“This is the worst idea ever.” – Mike
“It is the WWE…” – Eric
Lashley beats Umaga about the head a lot. Vince then comes in and low blows Lashley and throws him into the Umaga Samoan Drop. Vince grabs the pin and the win.
WINNER: VINCE MCMAHON
Umaga now climbs to the top – and hits the big splash.
“He’s following the words of Vince McMahon!” – JR
“USE THE URN!” – Me
Lashley’s set in the corner.
“A face full of stuff!” – Hernandez
Squash. Thumbpoke of doom.
Vince pins him again.
WINNER.. AGAIN: VINCE MCMAHON
“Is this an iron man match?” – Bill
“Maybe Vince wasn’t supposed to get the pin before?” – Me
“ISN’T ENOUGH ENOUGH!?” – JR
“..yes.. enough is.. enough.” – Bill
COMMERCIAL SIX – 10:12
During the commercial… Vince has a discussion with Todd Grisham.. he brings out Eugene who is wearing a toupee to look like Trump. Vince rips it off.
“He looks like Rory!” – Eric
“Eugene…Boris Zhukov. Boris Zhukov…Eugene.” – Insyder CaptainMadballs
“How does the WWE get away with a retard gimmick?” – Jeffrey
“They put him in a suit.” – Bill
Here comes Kennedy.
“He only has to say his name! Like a Pokemon.” – Hernandez
“Kennedy! Pounce!” – Bill
“KENNNEEDDDYYYYY!” – Hernandez
“Bill!!!” – Eric
“Oh.. HEY!” – Bill
Here comes Orton.
“Isn’t it funny that he’s not looking as large?” – Dani
Here now comes.. the Hardyz.
“And the WWE blowing it’s load too early..” – Hernandez
ORTON & KENNDY vs. HARDYZ
“This is the first time Matt Hardy’s ever gotten pyro” – Eric
“And it scared him..” – Me
“WHA!? Jeff, is that supposed to happen?” – Bill
“I like your back tattoo!”
“KENNEDYYYYYYY!” – Me
Matt starts with Orton. Matt hits the top turnbuckle and lands on Orton for two. Tag to Jeff. Big elbow to Orton’s face for two.
Orton tags in Kennedy and he just begins to pummel Jeff. Kennedy throws Jeff to the corner.. leaps and Kennedy catches him for the pummeling.. then THROWS him out of the ring.
“KENNEDY KENNEDY!!!!!!” – Hernandez
Orton on the outside slams on Jeff for a bit and rolled in for the pin.
“KENNEDY!” – Hernandez
“KEN.. KEN… KENNEDY.. what does he evolve into?” – Bill
“NIXON!!!” – Me
Kennedy beating more on Jeff.. they fight on the top turnbuckle… every shot he takes, Hernandez continues to yell out Kennedy.. Jeff gets set up for the Whisper in the Wind.
“K…KENNEDY?” – Hernandez
Tag to Orton and Orton tries to stop the tag, but he eats a reverse spin kick for the hot tag.
“HARDY HARDY …” – Hernandez
“Orton? Hey?” – Bill
Matt hits a side effect on both of them….
“HARDYYYY!” – Hernandez
Kennedy clotheslines Hardy down!
“KENNEDY!” – Hernandez
Poetry in motion on Kennedy. Missed on Orton. In runs Orton – Matt hits him chest first… RKO! Kinda botched.
“Go back on the juice!” – Mike
“The commentary on this match is fantastic.” – Me
WINNER: ORTONNN & KENNNEDDDYYY
Now it’s time for the Hall of Fame. Next
COMMERCIAL SEVEN – 10:26
So they give us a ‘All Grow’d Up’ with the divas…
“Half this commercial is really hot.” – Me
“We know, we got the fliers.” – Bill
*Throws popcorn at me* – Dani
The final entrant into the Hall of Fame… Jim Ross… eh.
I’m not even going to address it.. except they get a bunch of wrestlers saying Slobbernocker.
“Next year.. we induct the other half.” – Bill
“I hope Jim Ross dies by this weekend.” – Mike
“Seems a bit inappropriate…” – Me
And now… the Great Khali!
“Well it was a moment, so we had to ruin it.” – Bill
“My tummy hurts…” – Mike
“Is it because of Khali?” – Eric
“No.. JR.” – Mike
“Think Khali will have words for us tonight? “Durka Durka Durka!”” – Insyder A Faceless Name
KHALI vs. RIC FLAIR
Khali throws Ric. Ric throws a couple chops. Tossed to the corner. Back body drop.
“Ric looks so wasted right now.” – Eric
Bodyslam from Khali.
“KHALIIIII!” – Hernandez
“Woooo?” – Bill
“Ok, we get it.” – Me
To the outside. Khali removes the steps…. here comes Carlito to beat on Khali. Headdbutt from Khali.
“PUNJABBIIIII” – Hernandez
WINNER via DQ: KHALI
Here comes Kane. Charges in. Kane beats down on him. He’s got his hook with him!
“When did he become Lobo?” – Jeffrey
COMMERCIAL EIGHT – 10:39
Shawn.. in the back.
“Look.. I tanned.” – Hernandez
“Thank you, good night.” – Me
“Apparently Jesus likes a tan messenger.” – Insyder CaptainMadballs
“He is awfully tantastic tonight” – Insyder Soak1313
He bibbles on without Maria there.. funny that, she’s not there, I’m still not listening.
COMMERCIAL NINE – 10:47
It’s Cena Time…
“Did both of these guys hit the tanning bed too long?” – Hernandez
“Vince is trying to save money..” – Mike
“Yeah, spoon in it.” – Hernandez
“THE TUPPER WARRIOR!” – Bill
“Deacon Batista” – Hernandez
“Ooo Dave!” – Dani
“They made all of them tan more so Undertaker looks paler.” – Me
Now, the palest of the pale…
“Nope.. Taker’s tan too.” – Bill
“Ooo a new hat.” – Brian
“Just like Malibu Stacy.” – Me
HBK & CENA vs. UNDERTAKER & BATISTA
Everyone is dark tonight..
So Taker charges into Cena and he eats an elbow, and the crowd hates him hitting Taker. Taker reverses it. YAY. Cena reverses it. Boo.
Taker throws Cena into the corner and goes for the boot.. Cena ducks and lifts him up for the FU…. Taker gets out of it and it’s stopped by Shawn.
They throw Taker to the ropes and a boot to Shawn’s gut. Tosses Cena out.
“I love it when Shawn goes into sell mode.” – Bill
Batista runs in and clotheslines Michaels over the top and they go face to face. Before they go at it.. in runs Cena to clothesline Cena over the top.
Cena now in the ring.. alone. Michaels continues to beat him down on the outside. Finally rolls him in and eats a pin for two.
Tag to Michaels now.
“In what world do we live in that Taker is our face in peril.” – Me
“He’s not the face in peril.” – Hernande
“Ok.” – Hernandez
Tag to Cena and the boos continue on. Taker grabs Cena up… paces around and a blind tag from Taker. He charges Cena while Undertaker looks pissed that he was tagged out.
“They are cheering everyone BUT Cena..” – Mike
Cena finally tags Michaels and a stiff chop to Dave. Throws Shawn to the ropes and eats a shouldercheck. Taker now comes in and Michaels tries to clear house -b ut it just ends up with all four in beating the hell out of each other. Taker hits Michaels with the big boot. Batista hits Cena with the spine buster and shakes the ropes.
“WARRRIORRRRR!” – Hernandez
Press slam of Michaels from Taker.. and he throws him RIGHT ON DAVE!
“I guess Taker only got paid for 5 minutes of wrestling tonight.” – Insyder soak1313
Dave gets up and gets pissed. But now we get Michaels and John double teaming all over Dave. Shawn goes high spot. Elbow. Shawn sets up the JesusKick. Cena says no. They do a double You Can’t See Me. Then.
SNAP! Michaels hits the JesusKick!
“I don’t think that was accidental.” – Brian
“I actually just f*cking marked for the Jesus Kick!” – Insyder CaptainMadball
“Well it was about time Shawn!” – Insyder soak1313
“Shawn Michaels just went from my favorite wrestler to my least favorite wrestler than back to my favorite wrestler again, all in a 5 second period.” – Insyder Darkstar
Dave crawls over and pins John.. and Shawn lets him.
WINNER: DAVE & TAKER
Shawn gives John a ‘You Can’t See Me’ – an we’re out… wait.. they said they are doing a little more?
COMMERCIAL TEN – 11:05
We get a replay of all of what just happened.
“Did we get to come back just to see a reca—” – Eric
“WAIT WAIT WAIT…” – Hernandez
Yep.. the entire last spot was all a recap… odd.
What did the show do for YOU?
“KENNEDYYYYY” – Bill
“Match of the night – Samoa Joe vs. Christian Cage” – Mike
“Slightly excited to see Mania now.” – Hernandez
“I enjoyed today.” – Jeffrey
“Can we go home now?” – Dani
“First half, crappy. Next half.. eh.” – Eric
And I say, Mania is going to be fun. Sadly, the Hall of Fame is lackluster. Once again, thanks to the Insyders for all their fun forumtastic comments.
See you at Mania kids!
Tags: Raw, WWE