WHERE LEGENDS ARE MADE…
WHERE WRESTLECRAP IS BORN…
WHERE SNARK IS DEFINED….
THIS IS
R A B B L E M A N I A
Joining us for the most festive of Wrestling events, we’ve gathered around Mike’s house this time to celebrate a year of wrestling. New friends. Old friends. Stupid friends. Wrestling friends. Let’s get to the list.
Danielle – My Hogan & Mr. T vs. Piper & Orndorff
Corvis – The King Kong Bundy vs. Hogan
Ref Timmy – He’s Andre vs. Hogan
Mike – Macho Man vs. Ted DBiase
Melissa – Hogan vs. Macho Man
Hernandez – The Warrior vs. Hogan
Jeffrey – He’s all Slaughter vs. Hogan
Eric – Sid Vicious vs. Hogan
Kat – Yoko vs. Bret (HOGAN!) (See where I’m going here?)
Jimmy – Bret vs. Yoko
Val – Shawn vs. Bret
Timmy’s Melissa – Undertaker vs. Psycho Sid
Simon – Steve Austin vs. Shawn Michaels
Jen – Rock vs. Austin (I)
Bill – McMahon In Every Corner
Dani – She’s my Royal Rumble… she’s totally over the top.
Finally me, the Undisputed Rabble Champion, The Me, James Hatton…
Now let’s get to the show!
We get a nice run up of all the entry screens of Wrestlemania opener shots. Starting the show is the old opener to Wrestlemania III, and then it’s all about Aretha singing with pictures of the troops.
“Is she a member of the new Power Generation?” – Jimmy
She gets up and we all notice… she’s fairly large.
“Wow, it took 36 hours to set up this stage.” – Corvis
“To support Aretha?” – Me
“What a bunt…” – Tom
The fireworks go off at the end.
“THEY BLEW UP ARETHA FRANKLIN!” – Timmy
“She just wanted a waaafer thiiin miiint.” – Me
Now we get the full opener… and it seems Cena Michaels is going to be the main event. That’s not cool.
Huge pyro spot… we get to hear all the commentators.
“Where’s the spanish announcement table?” – Mike
“Deported.” – Me
It’s time for MONEY IN THE BANK!
Here comes Jeff Hardy!
“Who says Jeff is going to try something that is going to kill him?” – Corvis
Booker T’s here!
“Why does he hold his pinky out?” – Dani
“Because he’s fancy!” – Me
Here comes CM Punk!
“Not in a gangster outfit!” – Mike
“He’s got a wet spot on his crotch” – Corvis
“He just borrowed it from RVD.” – Me
And now it’s time for KENNEDY!!!!
“The winner of the match!” – Mike
Matt’s turn… we get pizza.
“I like that this room reacts to Hardy like the audience. Indifference.” – Tom
It’s Randy Time!
“Hey! The winner of the match” – Corvis
“HEY!” – Bill (Shows up just in time to see it)
It’s Edge time!
FINLEY vs. CM PUNK vs.
KENNEDY! vs. MATT HARDY vs.
RANDY ORTON vs. EDGE !
“BREAK HIS JAW!” – Mike
Matt and Edge fight to the outside. Randy and Finley RUN in and run up the ladder… tip it and fight to the outside. Jeff Hardy gets to it and climbs up and is pushed over by Kennedy!
Booker goes under the ring for a ladder and pulls out a footstool!? CM Punk clubs him in the back grabs it and starts swingin…. Edge blindsides him and THROWS it at him… ouch!
Edge now sets up a a big ladder on the outside across the ring. Edge and Punk fight around the ladder to suplex into it… but Punk reverses it.
In the ring Booker T superkicks Finley. Spinebuster to Jeff. Spinebuster to Finley. He goes for the Spinerooni!! Then gets smashed by both hardy’s with two ladders. Now Edge comes in and Matt sidewinders him!
Edge gets back in and Hardy’s have set up the see-saw spot that ate Mercury’s face. Edge pushes Jeff off the top and brings Matt into the center and suplexes him right on the suplex spot.
Kennedy pushes Edge out of the ring and Matt gets set on the ladder – he climbs to the top and hits a senton and CLACKS his head on the back of the ladder as Matt rolls out of the way. Jeff and Matt get all set up now.
“TAKE IT HOME!” – Hernandez
“Ooof, there’s a vagina for the back of his head.” – Me
The ladder is set.. both Hardy’s climb. They fight it out and Finley pushes them both out!
Now Edge gets in and spears Finley. Each wrestler that comes in… eats a spear! All of them except for Punk. Edge goes to spear him and HE LEAPS! He grabs a ladder and does the hurricane ladder spot..
“He’s ECW.. he HAS to..” – Corvis
He turns and Edge spears him which knocks the spear into Finley and Jeff.
Edge has cleared the ring and comes on in with the HUGE MEGA LADDER…
“This is the Jeff’s gonna die on this ladder ladder.” – Corvis
“Compensating much?” – Tom
Edge begins to climb… Orton runs on in and tosses the ladder over the top! Jeff gets in and hits the faceplant on Orton. Now Jeff in the ring – setting the HUGE ladder. Matt has set Edge on the ladder outside….
“I DON’T WANNA… I DON’T WANNA!” – Me
“He’s gonna diiiiieeee” – Corvis
“The ‘I’m Doing It For Lita’ spot.” – Dani
“You could have grabbed the case… and THEN won..” – Eric
He leaps.. FLIES… SQUASHES EDGE! Badass spot from hell!
“How did he sell that?” – Timmy
“By urinating.” – Me
Jeff & Edge are out….
“Matt’s all like ‘Fuck Adam Copeland” – Corvis
In the ring Orton hits the RKO right on Matt as Edge & Jeff are being taken out. RKO now hits Booker. Finley. He now sets up his own ladder in the middle of the ring… Punk runs in with his own ladder and charges Orton with it. Sets his own ladder up.
“Punk, there’s already a ladder set up..” – Corvis
Orton climbs his ladder. CM Punk on his. They slap each other a bit.
“PINK BELLY!” – Hernandez
RKO from the top of the ladder! Punk eats it!
Booker T now is sneaking in the ring and climbing Punk’s lader.. Randy now tries to slowly bring Booker down and brings up his own ladder. He goes again for the RKO… but BOOKER HITS THE BOOKEND!
Booker climbs up! Matt runs up the other side, but Sharmel grabs his leg and Matt grabs Sharmel and yells up to Booker.
“I WILL KILL THIS WOMAN!” – Me
Booker drops down and sidewinder! He’s comin and Finley grabs the ladder and DOWN IT GOES! Finley grabs Matt and hits the Kryptonite Krunch on Matt on the ladder! Finley’s turn on the ladder!
He climbs up! Slowly making it… and here comes Lil Bastard! Finley’s trying to climb and LIL BASTARD IS ON HIS WAY UP!
“Vince was in the bak ‘GIVE THE MIDGET THE LADDER SPOT!” – Corvis
Here comes Kennedy…. and Kennedy climbs on up! He begins to fight it out with Lil Bastard.
“Piss off Willow.” – Bill
Kennedy grabs the Bastard… hits his finisher.
“What does Kennedy call that?” – Me
“Now? The falling short.” – Me
They roll out and Finley tries to climb again, but Punk dropkicks Finley right off the ladder. CM Punk now is going up! Kennedy meets him on the other side! Snap kicks from KENNEDY!
PUNK IS AT THE TOP! ONE HAND UP! HE’S GOT IT… KENNEDY SLAPS HIM IN THE FACE WITH ANOTHER LADDER! Punk is DOWN!
He sets the ladder again!
“Vince wants the hard camera!” – Corvis
“Drop the microphone!” – Mike
“Hit him in the head with the mic!” – Bill
WINNER OF MONEY IN THE BANK: KENNEDY!
And Finley & Lil Bastard are cuddling outside the ring as we go right to a commercial.
–
In the back Kennedy talks to Todd Grisham. He’s coming for any champion he wants.
“His teeth are really white” – Mike
“Not as white as DDP’s..” – Corvis
“That’s not a bad thing… that’s a good thing.” – Hernandez
–
Here comes Khali!
“If I smoked.. this would be a cigerette break match.” – Corvis
“We’re supposed to forget he was in the Longest Yard?” – Timmy
Here comes Kane!
“Hey his pyro ISN’T set up..” – Eric
“Her Infernal Majesty is here?” – Me
KANE
“When he hits the ground, he can’t get back up.” – Corvis
“Just like the little brother in Christmas Story.” – Me
Nothing happens. Kane gets clotheslined. Beat on awhile.
“You think Khali goes in the back and does IT tech support?” – Jimmy
“Hello.. my name is Steve.” – Me
Everytime Kane gets ahead of the game. Khali gets hit to the ropes and wrapped up in the ropes.. ANDRE SPOT!
“GET THE SNAKE!” – Hernandez
“GET THE HOOK!” – Eric
Here it comes. The hook. He gets in and Khali hits him. They go fist to fist and the hook is on the top rope. Khali ends up on top.. Kane drops. Khali now rips off the turnbuckle!
“It’s filled with marshmellowy fluff!” – Me
“How many turnbuckles has Khali ripped at Wrestlemania?” – Mike
“ONE! ONE TURNBUCKLE! AhAhAh” – Me
Finally Kane grabs him! Bodyslams him!? Wow.
“Nine seconds for Khali to get up.” – Jeffrey
Kane goes for the chokeslam. Khali goes for his. Kane fights out of it… Goes for it again! Khali fights out of it and hits the doublechokeslam. One foot pin.
“THe Jericho Pin!?” – Me
“He can’t bend down to pin him.” – Corvis
WINNER: GREAT KHALI
After the match.. Khali chokes him out with the chain… and that’s the end of Kane for awhile.
–
In the back… Eugene is hanging with Cryme Tyme… they introduce the ECW dancing girls… and then.. Mae and Moolah are here now.. and Eugene dances with him.
WAIT A MINUTE. FUCKING SLICK SHOWS UP!
REVEREND MOTHER FUCKING SLICK!
And here comes Dusty!
“Wait wait wait.. we are here to repress thisth man.” – Me
And then here comes Slaughter. Mean Gene. Jimmy Hart. IRS. Brisco. FUCKING RICKY STEAMBOAT! It’s a pajama jammy jam..
Ending with the Ron Simmons! Damn!
–
Tick tick tick tick tick.
“Jericho?” – Bill
Nope.. just MVP – but he’s got Cheerleaders!
“A mallato… a libido… yadda yadda…” – Me
“He looks like he came right out of American Gladiators” – Tom
And now it’s Benoit time.
MVP
“Benoit took 3 hours to teach him that.” – Corvis
They get to their feet. Benoit blocks a hiptoss. MVP blocks a belly to back and rolls Benoit out.
They yell it out in the middle of the match. Benoit drops his legs, goes for the sharpshooter. MVP pulls out of it.
Nice technical exchanges.
“The crowd doesn’t know what to do with this.” – Corvis
“What is this!? If I wanted to see technical shit I’d go to high school… I came to see big guys and tits… where’s Big Show.” – Me
This entire match is slow running and a touch boring, but that’s more because the crowd isn’t getting into it until Benoit gets the triple Germans.
He goes for the flying headbutt… MVP runs up after him… Superplex from MVP.. but Benoit locks MVP’s legs on the way down for a pinfall… Hot two count.
Lamey Lame until Benoit finally goes for the Crossface. Cole tells us eight times.
“CRAPPLER CHRISFACE!” – Bill
“Nipple Apple Crap” – Hernandez
I enjoy my dinner while the match goes on. We’re not really commenting so much. I’ll let you know when Benoit loses.
A bunch of germans. He hits the flying headbutt!!! He wins?!?!?! No shit!
WINNER: CHRIS BENOIT!
–
In the back.. Trump is on a cell phone with a girl.
He is interrupted by Boogie Man…
Donald total no sells it, even though the chick with him runs out.
“I’m the BOOGIEMAN!”
“..I wnat a sandwich..” – Trump
“He should have said ‘Yes Massah'” – Corvis
–
We get a nice rerun of the Hall of Fame.
Howard the Fink introduces the Hall of Fame class.
“Why’s Fuji’s in a wheelchair?” – Jeffrey
“It’s a work.. he’s going to hit all the Hall of Fame with salt and take over!” – Me
CURT HENNING
JERRY LAWLER
NICK BOCKWINKLE
MR. FUJI
THE WILD SAMOANS
THE SHEIK
DUSTY RHODES
Next is the Taker/Batista match…. what the f*ck.
Here comes Dave, getting his full run of music. He walks the catwalk. I’m really not ok with this match being this low on the card.
At least Taker is winning.
Here comes Taker with the Druids..
“Who are the druid’s tonight? It’s not CM Punk” – Corvis
“It would be neat if it was all the Hall of Famers” – Dani
“One of them in a wheelchair.. one really short one..” – Me
The smoke. The visuals. The fire.
“There is lightning coming out of his HAT!” – Me
“He’s Rayden.” – Hernandez
“Stole that hat from Oddjob.” – Jimmy
“No no no.. Kung Lao” – Eric
Taker’s entrance takes a solid five minutes.
“Who will blink first!” – Tom
UNDERTAKER
“Anyone want to put money in the Batista shits his pants fund?” – Mike
Bell rings and Dave pushes him right down! Spears him down.
“There goes Edge’s heat.” – Corvis
Dave throws him into the corner and three point stance tackles right into the corner. Tosses Takr corner to corner and then clotheslines him over the top rope.
The crowd are ALL behind Taker. Batista headslams him to the apron. Throws him right into the stairs and Taker THROWS him over the stairs. Taker gets air.
“It was at that moment, you could hear Taker choose to kill Batista.” – Me
Taker gets back in and Dave climbs to the turnbuckle and flying shoudlertackle. Helluva spot. Dave hits the ropes and eats a boot. Dave hits the ropes again and throws a clothesline for two.
Taker is on his knees… throws the fast punches to Dave. Uppercut. Throws Dave to the corner. Double arm neck chops. Hits it twice! Headslams him to the turnbuckle. Big boot.
“Here comes the leg drop brother!” – Mike
He HITS the leg drop. Now Taker goes to the top for the Old School. Hits it and grabs Dave’s throat for the chokeslam. Goes for the chokeslam… but Dave is fighting out of it. Dave fights out of it!
Taker hits the ropes and leaps… Tista drops too early and Undertaker rolls.
“Fucking greenhorn.” – Corvis
Taker hits him…
“That’s the hardest hit I’ve seen Dave take.” – Timmy
“And they are going to get harder.” – Me
Throws Dave to the outside and headslams him on the stairs. Lays him on the apron. Elbow or two. Now Taker on the apron. He sizes up Dave and LEG DROPS HIM!
Dave gets up and Taker hits the ropes…. OVER THE TOP… FLYING SHOULDER! Hot spot.
“Commercial break!” – Eric
“Fa-nananananananana” – Me
“Bionic Undertaker?” – Jimmy
They continue to fight on the outside and Taker tries to throw him.. reversed and Taker lands HARD into some stairs.
“I think I just heard a spot.” – Mike
“What?” – Me
“This is the part where I f*cking kill you.” – Timmy
Dave has now cleared out a few camera men as he goes to remove the monitors from the table. He lays Taker right onto the table.. picks him up and hits the POWERSLAM on the table!
Taker gets rolled in and Dave hits a bunch of punches. Gets a two. Now sets up the DaveBomb. Taker though CHARGES Dave right into the corner. Back elbow or two. Taker tries to corner toss.. Dave reverses and pulls him in for a belly to belly.
Dave now punching and kicking Taker down.
“This match MUST be important. Michael Cole’s voice has gone up two octaves” – Tom
Dave climbs up to the corner – punches spot.
“Hey.. Last ride?” – Corvis.
“I saw that even.. come on.” – Dani
Taker walks forward.. hits the powerbomb for two.
“Ok, so it was second to last ride.” – Corvis
Dave throws Taker to the ropes and hits the spinebuster. Dave goes to the ropes..
“WARRIOR… WARRRRIORRRR” – Mike
Dave tries to attack, tries to irish whip him and Taker NO sells it. Grabs him. Chokeslams him.
“He just ruined the credibility of the irish whip!” – Timmy
Pin for two. Taker throws him to the ropes. Spear from Dave. HE HITS THE DAVEBOMB…. ONE… TWO…… KICK OUT!
“The whole audience was just waiting to know they should get ready..” – Dani
Dave now sets Taker up for the bomb again. BACK BODY DROP!
“J…. E…. oh.” – Me
Taker finally gets Dave in the Tombstone. That. Is. That.
WINNER: THE UNDERTAKER
“Cue Kennedy?” – Mike
“That would at least explain the midshow spot.” – Me
“Taker doesn’t really even look like he’s happy.” – Corvis
“That’s because he’s gotta face Hogan later.” – Me
“Where’s Papa Shango when you need him.” – Tom]
“Would be great if Paul Bearer just showed up for no reason” – Timmy
“Look…. I made it out of the cemennnntttt” – Corvis
–
Vince is in the back with Stephanie and rolls in Vince’s grandaughter.
“Maybe she’ll give me luck!” – Vince
“JUICE IT!” – Me
We get a POV from the crib.
“Hey, Steph had a camera!” – Tom
The rest of the bit is lame.
–
Here come the ECW Originals!
“Sandman at Wrestlemania….. ha.. ha ha….” – Timmy
(SANDMAN, RVD, SABU, DREAMER)
THE NEW BREED
(THORNE, STRYKER, BURKE, CORVON)
Stryker starting with Sabu. Stryker hits the ropes as Sabu hits the ropes. Second rope leg shot. Second rope elbow shot.
“STOP BOUNCING!” – Corvis
“He can’t! He just did a lot of coke!” – Jeffrey
“He can’t stop with disco pants.” – Bill
“SANDMAN AT WRESTLEMANIA… I’m Freakin Out!” – Timmy
Tag to Sandman. Tag to Elijah. Some beat down. Tag to Dreamer and they do the joint elbow. Tag now to Marcus and grabs him.. throws Dreamer around the ring. Double underhook suplex. Tag to Burke and a double back body drop.
Elijah charges Dreamer and double knee lift to Dreamer. Tag to Thorne now.. he puts Dreamer into the chinlock… Dreamer fights out of it and Thorne throws him to the corner. He charges and eats boot. Thorne then hits the sit down powerbomb.
Tag to Marcus and Dreamer right back into the sit down chinlock.
“How insane is it.. Monty Brown at TNA..” – Mike
In runs Elijah and Dreamer out of nowhere hits a double neckbreaker!
“Hey Nova.” – Corvis
Hot tag now to RVD! Tag to Stryker. Hits him a HIGH kick to his face. Climbs to the top for the five star… but Thorne runs in.. he eats a kick! RVD THROWS THE MONKEYFLIP!
“RVD just got 80,000 people to pop for a monkeyflip!” – Corvis
Marcus grabs his leg and pulls out RVD. Sabu throws himself over the top… Sabu goes neck first. Dreamer runs in and DDT’s Stryker.. he sells it like a bastard! Awesome. RVD hits the Fivestar out of nowhere. One.. Two.. THREE!
WINNER: THE ECW ORIGINALS!?!?!
“How is Sabu standing?” – Dani
“His neck is made out of rubber” – Val
“His tail is made out of springs..” – Bill
“Hoo hoo oo HOO!” – Me
“He’s trouncy flouncy pouncy bouncy fun fun fun fun fun” – Dani
–
Now the set-up for the Vince/Donald set-up.
The barber chair gets it’s own entrance?!!??!
“Where’s Brutus!?” – Hernandez
“God’s rolling it down.” – Me
“Ric wants to kill himself right now.” – Mike
Now here comes Vince! Sitting outside.. Miss Teen USA. Miss USA. Miss Universe… the f*ck?!
Here comes UUUUUUuuuuuuuuuumaga! With Armando!
“SHRIVELED MONKEY PENIS!” – Bill
“Shriveled monkey penis?” – Jeffrey
“Shriveled Monkey Penis!” – Bill
Trump time… coming down wih that former Miss USA chick.
“The one that did all the coke?” – Mike
“Yep.”
They are now dropping money. And a long intro later.. here comes Lashley!
“Stone Cold gets the last entrance?” – Eric
“He’s going to get the loudest pop..” – Mike
“There’s a blonde at ringside.. there could be problems.” – Me
“I’ve set up my DS for this match…” – Dani
Now here comes SCSA…
“Arrive. Punch Blonde. Leave.” – Me
“Arrive. Meet blonde. Date blonde. Marry blonde. Abuse blonde. Divorce blonde. Pay blonde forever. Leave.” – Jeffrey
“If you wanna see this girl get it in the ass and then take a donkey punch.. gimme a hellll yeahhhh” – Me
“HELL YEAH” – The Rabble
TRUMP’S BOY LASHLEY
After he runs back in, Umaga boots him. Lashley goes top rope and shouldercheck.
“Batista did something better than someone tonight.” – Mike
Armando gets on the apron… Lashley pulls him in hard.
“Stone Cold’s just watching.” – Eric
“I don’t condone this.. but I”m not gonna say no..” – Bill
Umaga charges Lashley now, and milkdud drops the rope and Umaga lands flat on his back. Hard spot. He gets back in after a minute and they go punch for punch again. Lashley charges Umaga and Umaga moves…. Lashley spears through the second rope.
Umaga pulls him back in and does the squash spot. Chokes him to the rope and SCSA breaks it… Umaga goes and chokes him out again, but at five he pulls Umaga’s hair.
“His hair.. it’s his weakness!” – Bill
“I want the Wild Samoans to come down.” – Mike
Finally Umaga goes after him, but Lashley elbows out of it… Umaga clubs him down. Stompy stomps. Umaga climbed to the second rope and a hard stomp to Lashley’s chest. Another squashy.
Lashley goes for a slam – Umaga lands on him for two.
Umaga throws him to the ropes as Vince climbs up… Lashley ends up bumping Vince. Umaga climbs up the ropes for seemingly no reason. Lashley slams him down… he gets up and eats a spear out of nowhere!
Stone Cold counts it out now…… he gets to 9… annnd
DOUBLE COUNTOUT!?!?!? No. Stone Cold claims no countout!
Hey, Shane’s here
“Hey look, here came the money!” – Eric
After a moment they get back to their feet and Umaga is choking Lashley out in the corner. Stone Cold pulls Umaga out, railing him in the eye…… Shane hits the turnbuckle and Umaga HITS STONE COLD!?!?!?
Shane runs on in and now Shane and Umaga are beating the hell out of Lashley. Umaga sets up the assbump and hits it. Vince throws in a garbage can… and SHANE HITS THE VAN TERMINATOR!
“I didn’t think he’d make it!” – Val
“Shane’s a good jumper. Because Vince is a genetic jackhammer.” – Bill
So Shane takes off his business shirt… and there is a ref shirt! Shane now gives the thumbs up for Umaga who climbs to the top turnbuckle. FLIES! HITS! ONE.. TWO… THHHHh STONE COLD PULLS HIM OUT!
Shane and Austin go face to face… Austin beats the hell out of Shane, tosses him into steps.. he gets in and Umaga DROPS HIM!
“Look… VINCE… I’m hurt!” – Me
TRUMP ATTACKS VINCE?!?!?!?! HE THESZ PRESSED VINCE.
Finally Stone Cold gets in the ring and hits Umaga. Stunner. Doesn’t drop him.. Lashley hits the spear. Pin
Win. Duh.
WINNER: TRUMP & LASHLEY
-As a note… the bell rang on the two count.-
SHANE EATS A THESZ PRESS! STUNNER! Shane’s out!
So while Stone Cold is raising up their hands.. Vince is crawling up the ramp.
“Who is going to stop him?” – Hernandez
“Eugene.” – Eric
Lashley is not ok with this. He charges down the ramp and brings Vince right on down. They begin to set up the chair right in the ring. Eats a stunner.
“Who saw THAT coming..” – Timmy
They lock Vince into the chair… Trump grabs the shaver.
“Where is it plugged in?” – Eric
“To Kane’s pyro.” – Bill
“It’s wired to hellfire!” – Me
So now Lashley and Trump shave the hell out of Vince.
“Hey, he looks like Bischoff.” – Corvis
“Vince McMahon.. Shaolin Monk.” – Tom
So then they get the shaving cream the best beard growth products and the Mach 3’s.. and they begin the shaving all nice while Austin watches on with beer.
“This is when they need to shove him up Big Show’s ass.” – Jeffrey
“Oh yeah.. he’s all lubed up.” – Me
And then Stone Cold stunned Donald.
“But Lashley gets away?” – Eric
“Hey Donald… play along!’
‘Play along with what?’
‘KICK WHAM!” – Bill
–
Here come the LumberJill match…. MARIA! ..and the rest..
Here come all the bitche… I mean ladies.. woah wait and then Ashley comes on down in a latex onesy…
Melina’s turn with the Paparazzi.
“Are the druids now wearing business suits?” – Jimmy
Melina is wearing a big furry head thingy..
“She looks like Triple H from alst year.” – Mike
“I thought she looked like an eskimo.” – Corvis
“She’s just going to beat Ashley with a fish.” – Me
“She’s waring MegaMan boots!” – Val
MELINA
Now Melina chokes her on the top rope and pulls her back.
Melina pulls her to the middle… A big swing for two.
“All spread eagle for the hard camera.” – Timmy
Melina then sets her in a breast forward submission move. Ashley charges and hits a flying headscissors.
“The consession stand now has 80,000 customers.” – Timmy
Ashley climbs to the top.. misses the elbow. There is a roll up from Ashley. Melina reverses it. Double reverse. Triple reverse. Melina wins.
WINNER: MELINA
Ashley tosses Melina out and all the women thrown in. There is madness.. and for no reason whatsoever they keep showing Melina and not all the girls.
The end.
–
We now get the slow build for Michaels / Cena.
Are you Ready!!!?
“He’s got a Jesus jacket on!?!?” – Tom
“I want to see him versus the vampire guy.” – Val
“He’s a Matador of God!” – Bill
“He’s two crosses away from being the pope.” – Timmy
“Two crosses and a hat.” – Bill
“And a car.” – Dani
Outside.. a stunt car….
“John Cena.. Tokyo Drift!” – Me
The car spins down the ramp.
“It’s RIKISHI!” – Timmy
“CM Punk is driving the car.” – Mike
The car drives RIGHT through the glass.
“Stone Cold is so pissed right now.” – Timmy
Cena, after a long extended moment where he switches spots with the stunt driver… gets out of the driver side.
He enters.
JOHN CENA
Shawn jumps up on the top of the turnbuckle and sits and watches now that the moment has passed.
They meet in the center. Finally Shawn punches Cena down… they dance around some more.
Cena charges in and they have a hammerlock exchange. Cena picks him up for a body drop – and Shawn lands on his feet. He eats a few punches to the face and Cena hits the ropes.
Long pause again.
Lock-up Shawn armlocks him. Sideheadlock. Takedown with Shawn on top. Cena gets up top. Another side headlock takedown from HBK. Back to the feet… throws him to the rope. Shawn ducks a clothesline. Ducks two. Hits the third.
Cena gets booed. Long spot for Shawn to get to his feet and Cena charges with a shouldertackle. Shawn responds with a Thesz. After they get to their feet. Shawn gets tossed over the top… Shawn is on the apron and tosses Cena over.
Shawn hits the Ghetto Blaster to Cena on the tables. Shawn hits the second rope moonsault to the outside.
“Not bad for a man who is 116!” – Timmy
Shawn rolls him in and chops the hell out of Cena. Wraps Cena’s leg around the corner and hits it invertedly.. ouchie!
Now Shawn is just working the leg. Workin the leg. Workin the leg. Shawn continues to work it slowwwww…
Seriously lamely slow. Cena hits him. Shawn charges – and eats the turnbuckle with his face and he’s all bloody.
Shoulder check. Blue Thunder. You Can’t See Me. FU….
Shawn gets out of it and chops Cena. Reversed Shawn into the corner. Cena ducks the superkick and the ref is OUT!
“SOMEONE MUST COME OUT! SAVE THIS MATCH!” – Timmy
Cena goes for the FU.. Shawn hits a DDT out of nowhere and they are both out. Shawn gets up first and goes outside looking around for the steps…
“Dammit.. my gun is under the other steps…” – Me
He brings Shawn to the steps and goes for a piledriver… a piledriver on a set of stairs… damn. Shawn drags him in now – and here comes a new ref. Pins Cena. ONE.. TWO.. —
Nope.. but Cena is bleeding on the back of his head.
Shawn hits the flying crossbody. Kip-Up. Shawn heads up to the top rope elbow.. hits it hard.
He’s loading up.. – J – E – S – U – S – Cena throws a clothesline.
Both are down…. again. There HAS to be a payoff to all this. They both crawl to their feet….. Chops and punches to start again. The YAY – BOO punches……. FU lift from Cena, Sunset flip from Michaels. TWO ONLY.
Shawn hits the ropes. Cena grabs him. FU HIT! Both are out.. again. Cena crawls for the pin. TWO of COURSE.
Cena gets to hisf eet and brings up Shawn. lifts him onto the top turnbuckle. After a few punches, climbs up after him. Sets him up for the FU…… Shawn elbows him out of it and begins punching himself and ends up falling to the mat.
Shawn’s up top now.
“FLYING SUPERKICK!” – Corvis
Shawn goes for the crossbody! Float over from Cena. He picks up Shawn. Goes for the FU. Shawn leaps out of it.. goes for the superkick. It’s ducked into a droptoe hold into the STF.. Shawn kicks out of it.
Good god out of nowhere the match gets good!??!!?!?
Shawn tries to hit Shawn with the enzugiri – Cena grabs the leg instead and goes right into the STF…. Shawn gets the rope! Cena doesn’t let go, so the ref pulls him off. The minute the ref moves.. WHACK – Superkick!
Shawn goes for the pin… TWO. Both are still down… Ref gets to a double count.
They get to 9 and they are lifting each other up. Cena goes for the FU… Shawn drops out of it.. Cena hits the STFU… It’s a choke, but Shawn …. taps.
Shawn tapped.
He f’n tapped.
WINNER: JOHN CENA
“Kennedy?” – Jeffrey
“It would make sense..” – Dani
So Cena goes to meet him down the aisle.. Shawn turns his back on him. Cena then salutes him.
“Just like the hit movie, The Marine!” – Tom
So… What did the Rabble think of Wrestlemania?
“Wasn’t as good as last year. Still pretty good. Main event, f*cking sucked.” – Jeffrey
“I really think the last match should have been Shawn’s outfit versus the vampire guy.” – Val
“One day Shawn Michaels will wear so many crosses that will cause a quantum singularity that even Christ could not escape.” – Jimmy
“They forget how a proper PPV should be built up.” – Eric
“..nothin. I don’t know why everyone didn’t enjoy..” – Simon
“I guess it pays to suck McMahon’s dick.” – Jen
“Last match sucked – everything else was pretty good.” – Hernandez
“I am very excited about Kennedy’s MItB” – Bill
“Better than last year, but that wasn’t saying much.” – Tom
“That TNA commercial was really awesome.” – Mike
“I should stop watch these shows, and just watch the montage.” – Dani
“I wish I kept my not watching wrestling streak of 11 years.. but I did get to see a midget die.” – Timmy
“Four words: Kennedy – Midget – Stryker – Taker.” – Corvus
“Money In The Bank & Taker/Tista was fantastic.” – Me
That was the end… the end of our story…
Thanks to everyone who joined us!
See you tomorrow.. This is Mania 07.
