Rasslin’ Roundtable for WWE Judgment Day

Hi folks, and welcome to the WWE Judgment Day Roundtable on Pulse Wrestling. Let’s take a look at what your favourite, and not-so-favourite writers think about this EPIC, LIFE CHANGING PPV.

WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
World Champion Edge vs. Dave Batista

Allen Noah: Edge didn’t shift over to Smackdown to lose the title shortly thereafter. As a matter of fact, I really can’t see him losing the title before Summerslam. Hell, I’ll be at Shea Stadium for the Subway Series anyway so thank you WWE for making this such a non-important PPV.

Winner and still champion – Edge

Iain Burnside: If I ever went to a WWE Q&A, meet and greet type of event, I’d go up to Edge and say “Did you know that there is a guy in U2 called The Edge? Is he related to you? How come he got the definitive forename? What band does The Christian play for? What’s a Metalingus?” You see, it’s perceptions like those that get me the big bucks. And by bucks, I mean pennies. And by big, I mean small… and brown… and well-used… and discarded. Much like the World Heavyweight Title, actually. Well, except for the big part. Matt Hardy is also not anti-unbig. Many people think that he should have gotten this title shot on account of having a built-in, ready-to-go rivalry with Edge and having recently defeated Ken Kennedy and WWE having the opportunity to steadily build a Batista/Edge feud with some more depth than ‘you have, me want, me smash you’. Those people are clearly the sort who we should wish well on their future endeavours. After all, what sort of message would it send out for a Smackdown guy holding a Raw title to get a shot at a Smackdown title on a Raw, Smackdown and ECW PPV, which would also give him a PPV pay-day when Randy Orton can instead get one for emerging triumphant from a conflict with a German hotel room? C’mon, that’s just silly. Instead, we can begin this unprecedented feud in a lame, plodding, matter of fact manner. With a bit of luck, given his opponent, we might also be able to expose Edge’s spear for the fraud that it is.

Winner – the man the French refer to as ledge, EDGE

Ben Morse: This match may have been hastily thrown together due to injuries, but taking a look it could be the highlight of the night. Edge has been in the zone lately, not having a bad match in recent memory that I can remember and looking highly motivated after having the title put on him. Batista has also had a fire lit under his ass and hasn’t put on a clunker in months. Two guys trying to show that Smackdown is NOT the B-Show means we’re likely to get a good outing here. As far as outcome, I have to figure they didn’t move Edge over to SD! just to drop the strap in under two weeks. There’s also more possibilities for the summer with Edge on top from the requisite Matt Hardy feud that may or may not be ready for PPV to HBK possibly jumping and chasing on the strength of his Raw win.

Winner – Edge

Kace Evers: Edge wins, Batista hits the Demonbomb afterwards, just to be a prick.

Winner – Edge

Danny Cox: No way in hell is Edge losing the title here. If they had wanted DAVE as champ, then he would have been the one to beat Taker and saved the MITB for later on. If DAVE can put on a good match like he did at Mania, then Edge can of course provide the rest of the entertainment. Still don’t understand why Jesus-Tan went over Edge cleanly though. Boggling.

Winner and STILL Champ – Edge

Vinny Truncellito: It’s too soon to even think about ending the Rated R Era.

Winner – Edge

Matthew Michaels: WWE seems to like the face chasing the heel, and Edge as champion is too soon in the mix to change it up just yet. Let Batista lose and then play with Mark Henry for a while and please just give us Edge vs. Hardy for a few months. I was upset with WWE having Edge job out on RAW to HBK, especially now that Michaels is hurt, but the promo work and pre-taped video segments more than made up for it. Edge is the best heel in the business right now, and he needs to retain, by any means necessary.

Winner – Edge

WWE CHAMPIONSHIP
WWE Champion John Cena vs. The Great Khali

Allen Noah: In a perfect world, Khali wins the title and then gives a 2-hour and 7 minute speech, sans interpreter, the following night on Raw. All kidding aside, Cena is Vince’s “Golden Boy” and as much as he loves monsters, there is no way in the world Cena drops the belt to Khali.

Winner and still champion – John Cena

Iain Burnside: This is going to be the greatest match in the history of the world in the moments between the opening and closing bell. Or not. What is really important here is whether or not we will get to see the Great Gary showcase his fine walking skills to their finest extent. I heartily endorse the idea of re-enacting the “Peter Parker on Venom jives down the street” scene from Spider-Man 3. Sure, it would probably end with Great Gary chopping some gal on the head, standing over her, looking immensely proud of himself, yelling “GWAR!” whilst doing the groin-chopping motion, but wouldn’t that be better? Wouldn’t it be better if he was in every scene in that film? “You killed my father!” *chop* “GWAR!” … “Rent!” *chop* “GWAR!” … “I am French” *chopchop* “GWAR!” … “There are no hazelnut cookies” *chopchopchop* “GWAR!” … and then he could return for Gary-Man 4 to tackle The Lizard Iron Shiek and Kraven WOYAH The Hunter. The look of growing incomprehension and unrestrained intolerance on his face as Aunt May blathered on about dead people and crying would be a winner – as would any chance for scenes in which Great Gary plays the piano. Seriously, take a look at the guy. He quite clearly can’t get London Bridge is Falling Down out of his head. And if it is falling down, why can’t they build a tunnel? It’s so infectious it even threatens his fine walking skills! Alert Bib Geldog, something must be done to prevent this travesty. Concert for Diana? Concert for Great Gary! Chopchopchop on Elton John’s piahnah. Piah piah piahnah, piahnah, piahnah. GWAR! Huh! What is it good for!? Absolutely something. But not this?

Winner – The other guy in the match, probably named JOHN CENA

Ben Morse: No question about it: this one will be ugly. I think WWE may have gotten overconfident in Cena’s in-ring abilities due to his recent quality matches with Shawn Michaels and his entertaining brawls with Umaga before that. I’m a John Cena fan, but no question being in the ring with HBK raises anybody’s game, and I don’t think many people beyond Eric S. have given Umaga his proper due for stepping up lately. Khali is no Umaga and he’s certainly no HBK. I’ll go with Cena retaining as I believe no matter how much of a bizarre fixation Vince has with Khali being more than just a freakshow attraction, in the back of his mind he has to remember this guy is the reason The Undertaker wasn’t booked at Summerslam last year.

Winner – Cena

Kace Evers: Oh, why not? If I can pick Shark Boy to win the X Title…

Winner – The Great Khali

Danny Cox: I love how all of a sudden they start labeling Khali as “never been pinned or has he submitted.” Wouldn’t you think they would sell that every time he came out to the ring instead of just within the past week? I think this is the first time ever I’m actually routing for John Cena. PPBBBBBTTTT just doesn’t do it for me.

Winner and STILL Champ – John Cena

Vinny Truncellito: Cena’s character needs a little freshening-up. Perhaps losing the bling-belt and having to chase a giant monster to get it back is just what he needs.

Winner – Khali

Matthew Michaels: Okay, so here’s how I’d book it: Khali WINS the match, decimating Cena and putting him out of action for months. Beating all-comers, including Michaels (if he can still wrestle one more match for the sake of an injury angle) and RVD (make him job out to Khali on his way out of the company, in a “one more title shot vs. career” match), Khali would look unstoppable… until HHH came back and took the belt from him. Khali can then go away, and we’ll have that Cena vs. HHH feud that was rumored for Mania. But that’s not gonna happen.

Winner – Cena

ECW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
3-on-1 Handicap Rematch
ECW World Champion Mr. McMahon, Shane McMahon & Umaga vs. Bobby Lashley

Allen Noah: For the Backlash Roundtable I proclaimed that even Vince was not egotistical enough to take the strap off of Lashley, I was wrong. If nothing else Vince has injected some life into ECW with his parading around as champion but I don’t see any reason for it to continue any longer. Estrada essentially had the microphone stripped from him because he was getting a little bit too over with the fans so wouldn’t it be interesting if Umaga lost the match here and Estrada and he had a nice little face run as a result of some venom unleashed on them from the McMahons? It would be different if nothing else

Winner and new champion – Bobby Lashley

Iain Burnside: Instead of watching this match, why not masturbate? Not to this match. Unless you are so inclined. In which case, whack away. Whack it good. Whack it out the park. Baby, like a bat out of hell. Breaking out of my body and flying away… like a bat out of hell…. doom-doom… like a bat out of hell…. I’ve lost sight of why I’m writing this. However, I do enjoy the thought of them introducing a Handicap Title at some point in the near future. C’mon – Michael Pena? Matt Cappotelli? Zach Gowan? Eugene? Matt Hardy? The division practically writes itself…

Winner – NOT LASHLEY

Ben Morse: Another match that doesn’t promise to be any great shakes. If Rob Van Dam were anywhere near re-signing with WWE, I’d pick the McMahon team to go over here with RVD picking the belt back up at One Night Stand. If I felt Vince thought C.M. Punk were on the level to feud with him, I’d say maybe McMahon goes over here and drops the strap to him in a few weeks. Since I don’t see either of those scenarios happening or the outside possibility of a McMahon-Misterio feud for the ECW title being drawn out through Summerslam coming true, I think Lashley gets the win back here and carries the title into a feud with Marcus Cor Von that seemed to be getting set up this week on Sci Fi.

Winner – Lashley

Kace Evers: Thanks to some weird stipulation involving who gets the title upon pinfall, Umaga’ll win the belt and piss off the McMahons. And again…why not?

Winner – Mr. McMahon, Shane McMahon & Umaga

Danny Cox: Who zzzz what zzz Dudleyz/LAX again?? ZZZZzzzzzz oh it’s just another 3 on 1 handicap match. Was that not a FANTASTIC promo from Lashley the other night? “I will do to the New Breed what I plan on doing to Vince and co. {long awkward pause} Destroy them!” Wow, talk about your charisma. I hope Vince wears lavender tights.

Winner and NEW Champ – Bobby “I Will Destroy Them” Lashley

Vinny Truncellito: Mr. McMahon will continue to rub it in Lashley’s face until SummerSlam.

Winner – Mr. McMahon

Matthew Michaels: So… what happens if Shane or Umaga pins Lashley? Seriously.

Winner – Vince McMahon

UNITED STATES HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
United States Champion Chris Benoit vs. Montel Vontavious Porter

Allen Noah: I’m not really sure what the point is of jobbing out Montel Vontavious Porter on three straight PPV’s is so out of sheer logic I will go with Porter winning the title, possibly in some sort of cheating fashion. If I had the book, I’d have Edge come out and cost Benoit the match. Edge could go on a diatribe about how Benoit has denounced his Canadian heritage and now claims that he is from Atlanta, GA. Edge would remain a heel since Americans hate Canada for some reason and it would be a perfect set-up for a nice little feud. No way that happens but I still see Benoit losing here.

Winner and new champion – Montel Vontavious Porter

Iain Burnside: This is the match I’m most looking forward to, which says ample about both Benoit’s majesty and Porter’s hard graft. The time has come for a change of the guard though, with a change not just of the title but of the mentor, with Finlay taking on Benoit’s role for the next few months. S’gonna be good.

Winner – MVP, a.k.a. not Abe Knuckleball Schwartz

Ben Morse: Here’s what we know: Porter can put on a good show when he’s got Benoit in there to carry him. Porter can NOT necessarily carry Kane to a good match. Here is a good litmus test of how far Porter has come as even Benoit can’t realistically carry a guy to the equivalent of three matches with at least some help. Conventional wisdom says that after picking MVP to win the strap the last two PPVs and getting burned both times out one should learn their lesson-NOT.

Winner – MVP

Kace Evers: Montel Porter-Kennard finally wins the match, emitting a collective groan from the crowd.

Winner – Montel Vontavious Porter

Danny Cox: MVP just gets better and better each week. In the ring and on the mic. I have gotten this wrong twice already, but don’t think I will miss a third time. Benoit is said to be grooming MVP. MVP is doing great but would really benefit from having a title. He gets the duke here and I hope to GOD that Benoit feuds with Edge over the big gold belt.

Winner and NEW Champ – MVP

Vinny Truncellito: It’s time to pull the trigger.

Winner – MVP

Matthew Michaels: See, if I’m MVP, I come out to the ring with a chair, get the early DQ, then two quick pins on Benoit. But I’m thinking his ambition to show he can hang with Benoit — a pretty good storyline so far — will take precendent here. It will of course go to three falls, and finally, MVP will win (although, I wouldn’t be surprised if Finlay somehow factors into the decision, allowing MVP to feud with someone else and getting Benoit away from the US Title and back on the road to a feud with Edge).

Winner – Porter

Elijah Burke vs. CM Punk

Allen Noah: If Burke loses here then the feud is essentially over before it begins. Unless they plan on pushing Punk into the title chase, he can’t win here. I see Burke winning with some help from the New Breed, namely Monty Brown (Marcus Cor Von is too dumb of a name to use).

Winner – Elijah Burke

Iain Burnside: So ten years from now will this be remembered as a feud akin to The Rock vs Triple H or forgotten like another Ahmed Johnston vs Faarooq Asad? That’s probably not a very fair comparison. I doubt either of them will wind up a movie star or married to Aurora Rose. Then again, perhaps Punk could snap and get a drinking problem whilst Burke adds fat and starts pimping. Then again, again, their match quality will be above and beyond what Big T and Simmons could hope for. But if the blue gladiator costume makes a comeback then I will mark out like a schoolgirl in a schoolgirl changing room. They do that, right? Giggles and feathers and soapy skin, so far as I understand it. After all, Punk could clearly do with some soap to remove the grime from his hair. It all fits. Burke has an H in his first name. It’s coming together like Angel Delight and semi-skimmed milk. Important safety tip: don’t try it with soya milk, it only laughs at you. That sounds like something Baz Luhrmann should have said to the class of ’99. I prefer the creed of another famous philosopher – be excellent to each other. (And… party on, dudes!) I suppose Punk and Burke could star in a remake of that epic if they wanted to advance their movie opportunities, although they are clearly more of a Good Will Hunting breed. Kevin the Vampire as Casey Affleck! Tazz as Minnie Driver! Dusty Rhodes as Robin Williams! It ain’t your fault, baybee. Oh, and Glasgow as Boston. How dae ah like whit aipples?? Wheest, ye raj! ‘Mon then! Hail, hail, the Celts are EXTREME…ly tired of this paragraph. GWAR.

Winner – In spite of and because of all of the above, let’s go with C.M. PUNK

Ben Morse: I’m interested in this one not just because it’s two great up and comers who will put on a show, but to see what they both do when they’ve got a PPV length one on one match to work with, something neither has had. I think the New Breed is on its last legs and Marcus Cor Von needs to be cut loose to go after Lashley, so I see a loss for Burke here as the trigger.

Winner – Punk

Kace Evers: Matt Striker screws things up for Elijah, giving the win to Chick Magnet Punk.

Winner – CM Punk

Danny Cox: Well the New Breed went from four strong to Burke and Monty. I’m guessing Monty will soon be on his way out of the partnership too. Seems ECW has just gotten too small to have a faction of any kind. Oh well, this match has the possibility of being huge and I think will be fantastic work between two young stars. Punk’s “injured” ribs will be the focus of the match and make him a slight underdog but I think he’ll still take it. Possibly with former New Breed-eference.

Winner – CM Punk

Vinny Truncellito: Burke needs to win this one to keep heat, and lengthen the chase.

Winner – Elijah Burke

Matthew Michaels: This is a potential show-stealer, and really, with all of the injuries lately, it has to be. SOMEone has to step up here, and I’ll pick the man I’m rooting for (although a post-match beat-down wouldn’t surprise me, no matter who the winner is).

Winner – CM Punk

Carlito vs. Ric Flair

Allen Noah: If Carlito cared any less, he would be sleeping. Nonetheless, he is going over Flair here.

Winner – Carlito

Iain Burnside: Mooby, mooby, mooby, mooby!!

Winner – CARLITO

Ben Morse: Will this be better than their forgettable series in 2005? Since they’ve had time to get used to one another, I’m guessing yes. Flair gains nothing by going over here and the amount of TV time he’s gotten lately would seem to indicate Carlito has vacated the doghouse so Randy Orton has room to lounge.

Winner – Carlito

Kace Evers: I guess Carlito finally got his fire back, which was Ric’s intention to begin with.

Winner – Carlito Colon

Danny Cox: This has been building since before WrestleMania, but when the turn finally happened we saw less and less of either of them on TV. Oh well, Carlito seems to benefit most from this and I think could be elevated to a high-mid or main event card from here. Floppy Tits Magee will help put on a good show though.

Winner – Carrrrrlliittooo speak English!

Vinny Truncellito: Flair gets the duke, but an enraged Carlito bloodies the dirtiest player in the game post-match.

Winner – Ric Flair

Matthew Michaels: Does it even matter? Uh… this is just beginning, so…

Winner – Carlito

Shawn Michaels vs. Randy Orton

Allen Noah: Again, resorting to my little book of logic, I can’t imagine WWE sends the kind of message to the locker room that would be sent by putting Orton over here. If he does, I give up.

Winner – Shawn Michaels

Iain Burnside: Ripped from the pages of What The Hell. How curious that neither man has really changed their status all that much from their first feud back in 2003. Orton is still being pushed at a level beyond his grasp, whilst Michaels is still half-assing it far better than most could accomplish with their whole ass. Meanwhile, there is no point to this match other than pissing people off just by giving Orton yet another big-event pay-day. It’s not even like he’s being thrown out there to job to someone like Chris Masters in a bout of embarrassing tedium. No, he gets to have a good 10-15 minutes against Raw’s second main-eventer (and there are only two at the moment) and probably look quite good even in defeat. Given the recent camp comedy in Orton’s backstage segments and the recent release of Vito, we can but hope that his next gimmick will be that of the Leggings Killer. He starts wearing dresses but just can’t quite get the leggings to last a match without ripping. Also, headlocks.

Winner – In spite of the headlocks, SHAWN MICHAELS

Ben Morse: Speaking of the seeming permanent doghouse resident…Orton will put on a show here with the rejuvenated HBK to try and salvage his WWE career, but no way in hell does he get rewarded with the duke.

Winner – Michaels

Kace Evers: Chris Adams Superkick. Next.

Winner – Shawn Michaels

Danny Cox: “You have a match?”
“No!”
“Me either!”
“Let’s Go Jesus!”

Winner – Randy Orton

Vinny Truncellito: Michaels will probably win, but that’s not the right decision. If Randy’s staying on the roster and NOT being fired for his various infractions, then there’s no purpose in jobbing him here. This being WWE, however

Winner – Shawn Michaels

Matthew Michaels: Shawn’s hurt, but if this match happens, I’m still betting on the Heartbreak Kid. Or is it Heart Break Kid? HK? HBK? Anyway… the legend killer’s got to be jobbed out here, if for no other reason than for his own and WWE’s long-term well-being.

Winner – Shawn Michaels (no relation)

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