Welcome To My Nightmare

Hey, are you like me? Are you a big movie buff who’s excited about the summer blockbuster season? Do you always thinks you can cast a movie better than the Hollywood agents who get paid to do it can? I mean, Keanu as Constantine? Not Tim Roth or Sean Bean? Verily, I say thee nay! (Can you tell I miss Thor?) I liked the interactive columns we did a few months back, so let’s do it again.

We’ve seen Ghost Rider and Spidey 3, we have Fantastic Four 2 and Transformers on the way and we have Sin City 2, Iron Man and more in the works. But will they meet our lofty expectations? After all, Hollywood only cares about dollar signs, not pleasing the comic collecting masses.
With that in mind, let’s play, “Create Your Comics Movie Blockbuster!” I know you all have tons of ideas. Let’s hear ’em!

Here’s what I want:
The Comic/Movie Title – If it’s an original movie that hasn’t been in theaters (yet) it would probably be best just to use the comic title. For example, If you want to do a Captain America movie based on Mark Waid and Ron Garney’s terrific run, don’t call it “Man Without A Country”, just call it “Captain America.” And don’t worry abot that craptacular one with the Italian Red Skull, that doesn’t count. Just like Highlander 2. If you’re doing a sequel to an established franchise, say X-Men or Spidey #4 or Superman – The Apology, feel free to be somewhat creative, but make it clear we know who it’s about. Afterall, it’s going to be in theaters, and my folks don’t read comics. They might go see Batman anyway, but would they necessarily see “Legends of the Dark Knight” or the like? So what I’m saying is don’t be TOO clever in the title.

Extremely Brief Synopsis – This can be pretty simple. Like above, if you’re doing a Cap movie and you have a particular story from the comics you want to adapt, just use the arc’s title. If it’s X-Men 4, maybe it’s The Extinction Agenda. Now, if you have your own idea, that’s fine, but see if you can explain in maybe 5 sentences or less. Example: “The All New X-Men roster meets a new threat in the Hellfire Club. But in their darkest hour, is the leader of the X-Men their best hope, or their worst enemy?” Think about all of the Harrison Ford movie previews you might have seen in the last 5-10 years. I never had any desire to see his movies because whoever makes the previews for them tells you EVERYTHING in about 4 minutes. Thanks for saving me $7.50. My example tells you there’s a whole bnch of new X-Men, a new group of foes and dangles a plot twist without being too specific. I don’t even say anything about Angel being the leader…oops. Moving on.

The Cast – Man, if this needs any real explanation you really shouldn’t be playing this game. Very simply list your MAIN characters and the actor or actress you wish to have play the part. If you’re casting the Legion of Superheroes, just give me about 5 or 6 of the goodguys and couple of bad guys, unless you feel incredibly strongly about casting a few more. But anything more than 10 or 12 is really pushing it. I gotta find pics for a lof of these, you know. And on that note, don’t worry about sending me pics unless you feel an actor is extremely obscure (which I would think, for this exercise, is probably a bad idea anyway). I appreciate the help, but my means for manipulating pictures is extremely limited and it’s usually less of a hassle for me to just dig some up myself. If you want to include a specific director you think would do a great job on your movie, include him with the cast. If you want to include a very (VERY!) brief notation as to why you picked a certain person for a part, feel free. But I don’t need a book on it! Besides, don’t some of you have final exams you should be studying for?

The Wesley Snipes Rule – I will come to your house and bludgeon you with a plush Gambit toy if you cast Wesley Snipes as yet another black hero in the Marvel Universe. There ARE other black actors in the world. And most of them can act better than Wesley. Sure, Anthony Anderson probably shouldn’t be cast as Triathlon in a Busiek-based Avengers movie, but still…and bludgeoning on to death with a plush toy takes a VERY long time. Trust me, I know. However, if anyone wants to cast Rachel Specter, the crazy gorgeous girl from the RGX commercials, be my guest.

Less Is More, More Or Less – I’m not going to put restrictions on how many movies you submit, but please don’t get ridiculous. I expect to be posting every submission I receive, but I might have to cut a few if I start getting the entire DCU submitted to me as “The 52 Franchise – A Hollywood Serial In 52 Parts”. Gah! Not even Star Trek can live for 52 installments, try as they might. I’ll start posting movies each week as I get them, so get crackin’. I’ll announce a cut off sometime in the next couple of weeks once I gauge interest.

Have fun, quiet on the set, and…..ACTION!

I’ll be producing:

The Real American Heroes of the American Counter-Terrorist Task Force known as G.I.JOE battle the threat of COBRA, a highly destructive international terror group that’s better trained and armed than the armies of most nations.

Directed by Clint Eastwood. He gives it a realistic, gritty feel and doesn’t take cheap shortcuts on the war front, though the battle for color coded lasers is still being aged in the editing room.

Starring:

Duke: Howie Long. The NFL commentator has been in a couple of movies, including “Broken Arrow”. He looks commanding, and what’s more, he looks like Duke! I also like Howie to play tyhe buffed up Captain America. I’ve been saying that for years and everyone groans. But hey, at least he’s American. Give Hollywood the chance and they’d cast Cap with Heath Ledger.

Scarlet: Tricia Helfer. The sexy Cylon gets a chance to play for the other side, and I think she’d look terrific as a redhead (but then I think that about most gals).

Snake Eyes: Tony Jaa. Only because Jet Li wants to do less fighting these days and another mostly silent role for Ray Park seems cruel.

Gung Ho: Steve Austin. I know, this will be wildly unpopular, but I think with a change in his facial hair and a big tattoo on his chest he could do it. Why does Gung Ho have to be from Louisiana anyway? His codename is derived from Japanese, let him be a Texan. Or Jesse Ventura, I’m flexible.

Roadblock: Michael Clark Duncan. Like, DUH. Who’s bigger than Mike? Not even Carl Weathers totes a mini-gun.

Shipwreck: David Della Rocco. This one was tough. Shipwreck was based on Jack Nicholson’s character in “The Last Detail” but Jack just seems a little too old for active duty, and Christian Slater probably hates the “Jack Lite” label. I thought about Walken, too. But Rocco was so great in “The Boondock Saints” and kinda oddly looks the part.

Cobra Commander: Rene Auberjonois. Since I want to go with the mirrored mask, I’ll use Rene for voice acting here. Maybe not as crazy as the cartoon version, but more sinister. Clint could get a lot out of him. The Commander was always COBRA’s Darth Vader, so Rene will be our James Earl Jones.

Destro: Dennis Haysbert. The man in the iron mask with the booming voice. The exact opposite of his President David Palmer character.

The Baroness: Monica Bellucci. She’s sultry and European. Put her in a skintight leather outfit, give her a gun, and serve hot.

Zartan: James Callis. I thought about Guy Pearce, and he’d be a good choice too, but Zartan is a depraved lunatic and the underrated Callis just seems a little more oily than Guy. This is also my “cheat” character, as almost any star could have a cameo as one of his disguises. It would be fun to see James torture Tricia for a change.

Now for the two-year advertising campaign, the Taco Bell kids meal tie-ins, the calls from Jay Leno…oh joy.

Welcome to my nightmare.