Okay, we’re off running and we’ve got our third set of music within three weeks. This time we’re using the new Marilyn Manson. It seems like the WWE has relationships with certain artists to use their music anytime they put a new album out. Tonight we’ve got a match between Nitro and Dreamer under Extreme Rules, but first we go to the ring./
We’re having a “Matt Striker’s Classroom” segment. His guest is the Boogeyman. Poor Striker. How many times is he gonna eat worms? It seems like he’s done it every week now. STriker is here to educate the Boogeyman and wants to keep distance. Boogey keeps coming closer, but Striker yells at him to stop. Striker’s got a fishbowl full of worms , and Boogey goes and eats some of them despite Striker’s warnings. This is to give Boogey a lesson in earthworms for all the lessons that Boogey’s given Striker. Replay of Striker eating worms during the Piper segment. STriker tries to give Boogey a lesson about worms being hermaphrodites and they lay eggs by rubbing their clittela together. Striker throws some more knowledge out there and gets a little freaked out while they play All Around the Mulberry Bush around Striker’s desk. According to Striker, it’s gonna end right here and right now. Viscera’s music hits and it’s… Viscera?
Holy God, he has no shirt on. I’m not kidding. You’d think that this is something that you’d never see in your life. This guy is gross. He’s got tattoos that I can’t make out. I think it’s all of the Magna Carta, and that’s just on one boob. On the other he’s got the text of the old testament. He’s got the biggest boobs in all of the company. Ew.
Boogey looks a little intimidated. Sorry, it’s no longer Viscera, it’s BIG DADDY V. That, of course, is a much better name. They might as well call him the blob, cause he’s pretty damn disgusting. Big Daddy V slams Boogey on the desk, but the desk doesn’t break. Next he throws him at the chalk board, but it doesn’t break the first time, so they’ve got to do the spot again. THIS is why they don’t have Velocity any more? THIS?
For those of you who aren’t watching the show, be glad. He was sweating before he even got to the ring. He’s got the sun tattooed on one boob and the moon on the other. Actual size too. Boogey slowly gets up as the little guy and the Moon walk to the back.
Did you know Triple H is coming back? No? Don’t worry, you’ll hear about it three times a week until he does.
Elijah Burke over Balls Mahoney by Elijah Express
I really used to like Balls Mahoney. I really used to like him, mostly wrestling alone, not so much as a tag team. Remember when Balls Mahoney mattered? I hope he knows a little about investing, cause his career doesn’t have much more longevity at this rate. Maybe invest in some real estate in a nicer neighborhood, somewhere that you can rent out to some young families in a gentrified area. Maybe Florida or Connecticut. Wait, there’s match going on? Sorry, not anymore.
We get a few minutes recapping who this young up and comer is. What’s his name? Oh yeah. Tommy Dreamer. Tonight, the Yonkers Brawler is gonna fight the ECW champion. Poor guy.
CM Punk over Stevie Richards
Stevie… AGAIN? I’m running out of things to say about these two guys. Blah blah blah they fight a lot. blah blah blah similar body types. As a mtter fo fcat, I’ll just recap all the other CM Punk vs. Stevie Richards matches there has been so far…
August 26th, 2006:
CM Punk over Stevie Richards by Anaconda Vice
Stevie Richards doesn’t matter anymore. The WWE did such a great job of burying him on Heat for long enough that I no longer see the guy who started the bWo. He’s “Stevie Night Heat” and the guy in the dress for the Victoria angle. If they’re not careful, “ECW Original” is going to be another way of saying “Barry Horowitz.” CM Punk needs a feud and needs it quick because these squash matches aren’t showcasing what the man is capable of.
Februady 27th, 2007:
CM Punk over Stevie Richards by Go to Sleep
Man! Stevie Richards! Richards throws CM Punk out of the ring in an odd fashion from an under arm spin arm drag. Punk’s back in and these guys start trading roundhouse kicks to the thighs. They’re wrestling a fast paced match here. Until Richards goes for a neck torque thing on Punk. Punk only gets a two on a reversal. TWO! Then Richards gets a two on a roundhouse kick to the back. TWO! Richards goes for another rest hold as CM Punk battles out.
These guys are body doubles for each other.
Richards goes for a superplex but gets fought off by CM Punk and Punk hits a flying clothesline, followed by a running one. Punk hits a running knee into his strikes and rising knee in the corner, but the bulldog is thwarted. Instead Punk hits the Go to Sleep for the three.
Too many rest holds to be a good match, but it almost seemed like they had some time in the beginning to really go until the ref called for rest holds. I could be wrong, but that’s what it looked like to me.
April 4th, 2007:
CM Punk over Stevie Richards by Go To Sleep
Alright, you know how this one goes. HUGE “CM Punk” chant to start and CM Punk takes control, but feels the effects of the Money in the Bank match with some taped up ribs. Richards targets the ribs, but Punk pulls him through a headlock take over. Richards spikes his head on the canvas. A kick to the hammies and a jumping leg lariat and me thinks that this match isn’t going to be all that long.
Punk takes a breather and Stevie gets some offense in on the ribs. Mostly kicks and a suplex. Nice use of an abdominal stretch and this crowd LOVES CM Punk. Punk gets out with some direct elbows to the thigh. Punk tries to get out but gets monkey flipped instead. Punk gets three knees in the corner on Stevie and can only get a two. TWO!
Punk goes for a suplex but cant get it through while selling the ribs. Stevie can’t get a suplex either and CM Punk gets his strikes in followed by the Go To Sleep. I think Tazz just called that move by the correct name for the first time, but calls it “GTS” for short.
April 11th, 2007:
CM Punk over Stevie Richards by roll through
Another match between these two? Didn’t we see this after CM Punk made quick work of Justin Credible?
May 15th, 2007:
CM Punk over Stevie Richards by Go to Sleep
CM Punk hasn’t wrestled all that many matches in ECW. I think that about a quarter of them have been against Stevie. Punk’s sporting the DDP rib tape today to better sell the POOOOUUUNNNNNCCCEEEE from last week. Punk goes to the kicks early in the match followed by an exploder suplex. Richards goes for the ribs with a short knee and some kicks. Richards rips the tape off of Punk and continues with the kicks. CM Punk goes for more kicks, but it’s cut short.
Richards gets a nice bow and arrow on Punk, but Punk battles out and goes for three pinfall attempts. Stevie hits a standing Warrior’s Way on Punk for a two. TWO!
Damn. Richards continues the punishment with a grapevvine and some more kicks. Stevie misses something in hte corner and gets crotched on the turnbuckle. Punk hits a hanging neckbraker from the second turnbuckle, but can only get a two. TWO!
Richards goes for a tornado DDT, but instead Punk reverses it into a Go to Sleep. Here’s something to note: Stevie Richards has never beat CM Punk.
Where were we? Oh yeah, CM Punk wins the match.
Someone call the DRAMA LLAMA! It’s the Miz and he’s backstage with Extreme Expose. Kelly chats it up, Brook doesn’t get an introduction and Layla says hi. the suspense is killing me. Actually, the acting is killing me.
The Miz over Nunzio by Mizard of Oz
Let’s see if this douche can wrestle. They do some god chain wrestling to start, I kinda wish that he would fight a match that we weren’t absolutely sure he was going to win. Does anyone find this interesting? Lets talk about something interesting. Do you prefer Diet Coke or Coke Zero? Personally, I like Coke Zero. But if you’ve ever had soda that uses pure Cane Sugar, it tastes better than anything else, and is probably not that bad for you compared to the high fructose corn syrup varieties.
Anyway, the match slows with time until the Miz hits the Mizard of Oz.
It’s time for Extreme Expose, and they’re dancing to Beyonce this week, despite Joey telling us that the main event was next. I wonder if they hired someone for this or if they just watched the Carmen Elektra Aerobic Striptease videos and just called it a night.
Just in case you wanted to see the new and “improved” Viscera (you don’t) they recap what happened earlier in the night in Striker’s Classroom. His boobs starts on his chest and end at his spine. SOMEONE needs to go to fat camp.
Dreamer makes his way to the ring with a shopping cart full of “weapons”, including the kitchen sink. It’s getting old guys.
Did you know that Rey Mysterio is coming back? Yeah, him too.
Johnny Nitro over Tommy Dreamer by …drop toe hold
They start with some brawling outside, Billy Joel/Tommy Dreamer gives up the advantage and Nitro clears the weapons from the ring, except a crutch, which misses its mark. Dreamer tosses Nitro around and hits him a few times with the crutch.
Dreamer starts putting a strategy into place, going to take out the legs. Nitro grabs the bottom rope, but the ref yells “EXTREME RULES” at him. Nice touch. Nitro gets up and throws Tommy to the corner post as Nitro starts to work the same arm as last week. He broke the crutch on Tommy’s arm and my DVR crapped out.
I come back and Dreamer has his head through a chair and gets thrown to the post. Here’s where things get a little confusing. Nitro hits a corkscrew moonsault on Dreamer and holds his arm heavy. Then after he doesn’t get the pin, his arm is fine. GREEN. Back in the ring, Nitro stays on the shoulder, but gets tossed from the top turnbuckle. He recovers quick, but gets crotched on the top rope and beaten with a trash lid.
Dreamer turns a bodyslam into an inverted DDT, but he only gets a two. TWO! Tommy misses an elbow drop, Nitro goes to the top but gets into the Tree of Woe and Tommy hits the dropkick with a trash can around Nitro. Tommy sets up a chair and the trash bin in the opposite corner, but after a few reversals, he gets drop toe holded onto the chair and Nitro puts a foot on the bottom rope and scores a three count.