I’d rather not discuss my lengthy leave of absence from the TNAnalysis. I was gone for a long time, and now I’m back. Nuff said.
Oh, and we go right into the show without an intro or anything, and we get Abyss, thankfully wearing his mask this time. I mean, come on, let’s be honest; frankly, the guy is kind of goofy-looking without that catcher’s mitt on his face.
And now, here comes Lance Hoyt, with a new purple robe that makes him look…can I say “fruity” and still be PC?
Abyss vs. Lance Hoyt
The wrassle for a bit, but Abyss just sort of beats on him, boots him, then clotheslines him over the top rope. Abyss follows him out, and irish whips Hoyt into the guardrail. He then throws Hoyt back into the ring, pushes a cameraman for effect, and goes to get a steel chair. Who is he, Umaga? He knows the rules! But Hoyt hits him on his way in, but Abyss quickly gets the upper hand tosses Hoyt into the turnbuckle, and smushes him with an avalanche. Then, to prove that he really IS Umaga, he gives that running but splash to the face that Jamal has become so keen of doing. Abyss then goes for a pumpsplash, but Hoyt moves, then boots him in the back of the head as he’s getting up. Well, that’s kind of neat.
Now that he has the upper hand, Hoyt goes for a moonsault, but Abyss moves out of the way. Abyss tries to chokeslam him, but no go, although, after some more nonsense, he does hit it for two. Abyss then goes for the chair again, but Hemme distracts the referee, giving Lance a chance to give him the big boot, knocking the big man down. He puts the chair to Abyss’ face, and prepares to give him a Coast-to-Coast (Van Lancinator?), but as he jumps, Abyss rises and, as Hoyt lands on his feet, Abyss throws the chair right into his mush. However, that only gets a two. Alright, that’s not really a huge surprise. Anyway, Hoyt tries to recover, but he just ends up walking into a Black Hole Slam for the pin. Well, that was kind of a squash, with a few moments of Hoyt offense. But let’s be honest, no one ever thought that Lance was actually going to walk away with this one, right?
Post-match, Abyss goes for the bag of mysterious sharp objects (what will it be? Glass? Thumbtacks? Wit?), but Basham comes down and drags Hoyt out…conveniently leaving Christy Hemme in the ring. Heh…smooth. Just to make sure that Basham and Hoyt can’t interfere, VKM come out and beat them to the back. Abyss goes for her, but AJ Styes and Tomko run out and start beating on him, allowing Hemme to escape. Then, the lights go out…and, lo and behold, Sting shows up. He beats off Tomko and Styles with the bat, and they retreat up the ramp. Sting grabs a mic, and says that, instead of telling them what’s going to happen to them this Sunday, he’s going to let ABYSS tell them.
Abyss struggles with the microphone for a bit, but then finally manages to say, “STYLES…TOMKO…THREE DAYS…THEN…DOOMSDAY!” or something like that, at nothing below a scream. I mean, that was probably the right way for him to speak (he is a monster, after all), but it makes me think that he learned all of his acting and speaking skills from the movie 300.
And NOW the intro. A full eight minutes in, huh?
The announcers run down the PPV card:
Ultimate X: 10 Man X Division Gauntlet Match
Eric Young and Gail Kim vs. Robert Roode and Ms. Brooks
Rhino vs. James Storm
Christian Cage vs. Chris Harris
Abyss and Sting vs. AJ Styles and Tomko
Match of Champions: Kurt Angle and Samoa Joe vs. Team 3D
Video Package with Team 3D, Joe and Angle. Long story short, everyone hates Angle, because he’s a dick.
We get an interview with Christian Cage with Team Cage, where he introduces the fourth man for his team tonight: Robert Roode. Oh god, can he please go away? He’s FINE, I guess, but I’m so tired of him. AJ does sort of a puppy dog act with Christian when he angers him by bringing up the fact that he has more TNA championship reigns than Christian. Yeah, I was wondering when they were going to realize that. I kind of miss the potential of AJ Styles as a main event player…of course, he and Daniels should be wrestling in the main event this Sunday, but maybe I’m just spinning my wheels.
Ultimate X Qualifier: Havok vs. Martyr vs. Kaz
Havok on Kaz with a Lou Thesz Press, and then he and Martyr work on him together, with Martyr hitting a nice neckbreaker following a Havok kneelift. Kaz is thrown to the outside, beaten on a bit, then thrown back in, and Havok gives him a running reverse slam into the turnbuckle, following it up with a nice running double knee. It’s followed by an assisted suplex, with Havok giving the suplex, and Martyr jumping off the top rope and grabbing the leg to add to the impact. However, Kaz recovers and gives a beautiful dropkick to…Havok, I think, but they beat him down again. However, he manages to kick Havok out of the ring, and rolls up Martyr for the three. Hooray, Frankie Kazarian!
Now, however, Raven comes down, and whacks him in the back with a kendo stick. Then, the other members of Seratonin beat him down with kendo sticks, and basically do this for the next two or three minutes. However, there are a few neat things, such as a superkick/flapjack combo from Havok and Martyr, and all of them blowing their noses into a rag and shoving it into the helpless Kazarian’s face. I mean, it’s neat in a gross kind of way…because you don’t see it every day. Still gross, though.
So, is he FINALLY out of the group now?
Ultimate X Promo. So you don’t forget.
Don West plays a video where he interviews James Storm, where he talks about pouring beer on his father’s dead body, mocks alcoholism, losing his virginity drunkenly at age sixteen, etc. This is interspersed with footage from last week’s interview with Rhino, where he opened up about his own inner demons with alcohol. Is Rhino’s alcohol abuse actually true? I think that it is, but I’m not 100% sure.
We follow this with another video package of Chris Harris talking about how he always wanted to be a singles wrestler. He comes off as earnest, but I wonder if he really has the charisma and the mysterious “it factor” to make it as a big name. However, there’s one way to make him a main eventer: have TNA push him as one. Hell, remember when Glen Gilberti was wrestling in main events? I mean, this guy will never be as good as Cage in the interview department, or in the ring as far as I can tell, but he’s not untalented. I’ll reserve final judgment for now, but I’m not expecting Harris to set the world on fire.
We get a video from James Mitchell. Apparently, Judas Mesias is coming…what a dumb name for Mitchell’s new project. Judas Mesias? Come ON. Why not just name him Deathwar McFaminePlague? Perhaps that would be a bit more subtle.
This is followed by a Paparazzi Production thing, featuring the Kevin Nash-moderated “New School vs. Old School” debate, with the former represented by ,b>Alex Shelley and Chris Sabin, and the latter represented by Jerry Lynn and Bob Backlund. Oh come on, those last two guys aren’t anywhere NEAR the same generation. They argue for a bit (Shelley calls Lynn the “lead singer of Nickelback,” and says that Backlund is an “ugly ginger kid.” Heh…), but it all devolves into a brawl, with the new guys getting choked out…and Sabin yelling, “I love you!” The less said about this, the better.
All of the participants come down for the main event, which is after this
Christian Cage, Tomko, AJ Styles and Robert Roode vs. Team 3D, Samoa Joe and Kurt Angle
Roode and Devon start out in the ring, and Roode gets the upper hand early. Devon against the ropes, runs the ropes, and hits Roode with an armdrag. Some more typical armdragery and whatnot, and Devon throws him into the corner, gives him an avalanche, and follows up with the corkscrew elbow. Cage tagged in, but Devon has to force him in. Runing shoulderblock from Devon gets two, and Brother Ray is tagged in, and Team 3D gives cage a double flapjack. Long vertical suplex from Ray gets two, and he tags in Joe, who gives Cage the inverted atomic drop/dropkick/senton combo, but Cage forgets about the senton and sits up, and Joe lands ON CAGE’S HEAD as he’s sitting up. Ouch. Joe follows up with a necksnap, then chops the back and kicks the chest, and follows up with a kneedrop for two. Tomko is tagged in, but Joe beats him back, so then Roode is tagged in, and he fares no better. Joe tags in Devon, but apparently some tension arises between Joe and Ray. Umm…alright then. So it’s Roode and Devon in the ring, and we’re off for another few minutes.
Robert Roode, during the break, managed to turn the match around with a spinebuster, and he goes for the pin on Devon following an elbow, but gets two. Meanwhile, the announcers put Roode over as a legit main eventer. Whatever you say, Tenay. Tomko tagged in, and he powerslams Devon for two. You know, if he were Bobby Lashley, this match would be over. Devon tries to fight back, but he just outmuscles him and puts him on the top turnbuckle. Tomko goes back to give Joe from sass, but when he returns, Devon gives him a really sloppy tornado DDT. However, Joe gets the tag, and he just annihilates everyone. He powerbombs AJ, and when AJ kicks out, goes into the STF. Pier Six in the ring, although Angle is just hanging out on the outside, not getting involved.
Just chaos everywhere. Roode gets the neckbreaker/backdrop combo from team 3D, and Christian tries to give Ray the Unprettier, but Ray lifts him up on his shoulders, and Cage gets the Dudley Device. However, Devon gets kicked down by Tomko, but Ray takes him down. Joe tries to hit AJ, but AJ connects the the Pele; however, he runs against the ropes, and Joe just clotheslines the crap out of him. Just to make sure, Joe runs to the turnbuckle, where Christian is perched, and kicks him in the head. He goes back to AJ and catapults him into the stunned cage, sending him off the turnbuckle to the floor. Joe sets AJ up for the muscle buster, but Angle (remember him) tags Joe as he’s setting up AJ. He walks the center of the ring, and Angle chop blocks him, dropping Joe and effectively giving AJ the muscle buster, and then covering AJ for the pin! Brilliant! Angle is the smartest man alive! He then grabs both his belts and runs up the ramp celebrating.
Video package, end show, mate.
The Inside Pulse
Decent enough show, but the whole idea of the pay-per-view’s main event is defeated by the inane booking of it. Let’s look at it, shall we? Kurt Angle and Samoa Joe vs. Team 3D. It’s like when Sesame Street would have that little game, “One of these things is not like the other.”
I’m sure I’m not pointing out something that everyone else hasn’t already figured out, but Team 3D has as much chance of winning this as I do of getting a call from Stephen Spielberg, asking me to take over helming Indiana Jones 4. There is simply no reason to make Ray or Devon the World Champ or X Division Champ, while there are possible storylines coming from either of the two singles wrestlers in this match. Actually, if I’m Kurt Angle, and I win, I choose my partner to be Samoa Joe, because he’s a bad-ass workhorse that will do all of the work for me because of his drive to win and whatnot.
Theoretically, Team 3D should tear them apart, as they have a ton of tag experience and may actually WANT to work together, so they’d just work with the dissension of their opponents. Would they really fight over who gets a singles strap? Their motivations concerning this match have basically been ignored, and there’s no point to breaking them up, so I go into this main event knowing that there are far less outcomes than TNA wants me to believe.