Welcome back to The SMonday Swindle Sheet.
So I tried that new $1 Spicy Chik’n Crisp, which replaced the larger (and in my opinion, far more superior) Spicy Tendercrisp Sandwich on Burger King’s menu. I must say, the price tag is nice, so it leaves a least a little room for error. The Spicy Chik’n Crisp is the size of a regular hamburger, and served on the sesame seed bun. I have a feeling that they may have cooked mine way too long, because it was incredibly dry, though the seasoning on the patty was really very good. It had hints of cayenne pepper and possibly cumin, and had it been cooked a little differently, I think I really would’ve liked it. The quality of the meat seemed good, too, as I found not a modicum of gristle in the entire thing, unlike the McDonald’s McChicken, which frequently has gristle dispersed throughout it. I will try it again at another location, sometime in the near future, with the hope that the dryness is not protocol. It comes with mayo and lettuce, unlike the aforementioned Spicy Tendercrisp, which included lettuce, tomato and a spicy mayo that was just the cat’s pajamas. I’m going to miss that spicy mayo.
OPENING SHOT…
BLURBS OF THE WEEK
While MISSING PERSONS founding member and former KORN drummer Terry Bozzio made it seem like he was wronged after quitting Korn because they wouldn’t make him a full-time member, bassist James “Munky” Shaffer weighed in on the issue from the rest of the band’s point of view. “There were certain demands that he made,” Munky told reporters. “We weren’t ready to meet those demands. We just brought him in to write. It’s like some chick that you hang out with and all of a sudden they want to move in. What do you say to that? ‘You were supposed to stay for the weekend, but you moved in all your shit.’ It was kind of like that. He was a great guy and a phenomenal drummer but the demands that he made were offensive. He wanted to be a member of the band, and that included ownership. We were like, ‘What, you want to have 25 per cent of everything?’ We can’t just sign away the right to music on a whim.” Bozzio apparently also wanted to sleep with Munky’s mother, which is where the buck stopped. Ugh… Has anyone else ever noticed that the dad from The O.C. kind of looks like a bushier-eyebrowed version of Mickey Hart?
TAKING BACK SUNDAY drummer Mark O’Connell has left the band in the middle of their supporting slot on LINKIN PARK‘s Projekt Revolution tour after suffering from a herniated disc in his back. But cheer up, emo kids, because, luckily, former MATCHBOOK ROMANCE drummer Aaron Stern was sitting at home doing nothing and was able to answer the call of duty when Taking Back Sunday called him to replace O’Connell. Well, actually, he wasn’t necessarily sitting at home doing “nothing”, as an insider told reporters that when Taking Back Sunday called him he was actually sitting at his kitchen table eating a bag of Chee-tos, seeing how many layers of cheesy powder he could get on his index finger and thumb before giving in to the temptation of licking it off. Unfortunately he had to lick it off to answer the phone. That sucks. Why didn’t he just answer the phone with his other hand?
After several complaints from angry Muslim students in Malaysia, GWEN STEFANI has agreed to tone down her stage show when she performs in Kuala Lampur later this month. You know what, I think Gwen Stefani’s solo material is absolute garbage, and yes, she did ruin NO DOUBT after taking way too many creative liberties that should have been saved for her solo work, but screw the angry Muslim students. Seriously. Sure, Malaysia’s official religion is Islam, but if government approved a Gwen Stefani concert they should have either told her immediately that she’d have to be more conservative or they should not have allowed her to perform there. It’s not like she’s performing at a mosque or something. Chances are most of the fans who are going to this concert didn’t buy tickets to see Gwen Stefani Lite. But that’s what they’re getting: a homogenized version of Gwen Stefani, as she won’t only have to cover her entire body with clothing, but she also isn’t able to jump, shout or basically have any fun onstage. She’ll basically be able to sing “Don’t Speak” and “Cool”, and that’s it. Thanks, a lot, angry Muslim students, for once again you have urinated in the pool. Maybe you should be using all of that angry energy to speak out against and distance yourselves al-Qaeda and other radical Islamic terrorist yahoos, but in the meantime, shut the f*ck up and finish school.
CHRISTINA AGUILERA was forced last week to cancel two scheduled shows in New Zealand that were part of her Australasian tour, citing a “bad flu virus” as the cause. I, an other other hand, point the finger of blame directly at one Lil Jon, a shitstarter who has been responsible for more things going wrong in the history of the world than any of you could ever imagine. And yes, he did cause me to spell the first word of this sentence incorrectly.
HAHA… made you look. Sucker.
News Headline: Olivia Newton-John thanks guru on new album
And not DJ Premier? The nerve…
TIM MCGRAW was mugged by a fan during a concert in Louisiana last Saturday, the second incident to occur during that concert after a female fan grabbed his package earlier in the night, drawing the very public ire of his hot-ass wife, FAITH HILL, who was at the time performing on-stage with him. According to witnesses (and later confirmed by footage of the concert), McGraw reached into the crowd while singing, and a wily female fan took it upon herself to grab a ring off of his left hand. He stopped in the middle of the song, and could be seen questioning a woman in the front row. While his efforts to recover the ring at that time were fruitless, he did call security, and representatives for the singer told reporters that the ring was eventually recovered.
MARILYN MANSON is being sued by the former keyboardist for the band of the same name, after allegedly “filching millions of dollars” from the band’s earnings instead of paying out that which rightfully belonged to the other members of the band. Madonna Wayne Gacy (né Stephen Gregory Bier Jr.), in his suit filed at a Los Angeles court, stated that Manson had promised him “partnership proceeds” from performances and recordings dating back to 1993, but instead used the money to purchase “a multimillion-dollar home, a laving wedding in Ireland … [and] an engagement ring [for] Dita von Teese”, as well as “sick and disturbing” Nazi artifacts, as well as the skeleton of a young Chinese girl. When asked, by reporters for The SMonday Swindle Sheet, in an EXCLUSIVE interview, why he would purchase the skeleton of a young Chinese girl, Manson said that he was actually under the impression that he was bidding on a date with Nicole Richie. When he heard about this, GOOD CHARLOTTE lead singer and Nicole Richie’s current boyfriend Joel Madden reportedly curled up into a ball and cried for three hours before cutting himself. Good.
Just when we thought that MICHAEL JACKSON had finally outdone himself, he’s just proved us all wrong by licensing the use of THE BEATLES “All You Need Is Love” (Jacko owns a stake in the group’s back-catalogue) to Procter & Gamble for an upcoming Luvs diaper ad campaign. Incidentally, I happen to hate the Beatles, so instead of being angry or upset, I only feel slight Schadenfreude, along with slight gassiness as a result of my eating Burger King for lunch.
News Headline: David Coverdale scared by bear intrusion
Well, that’s what he gets for buying a house on the gay side of town.
Since he hasn’t had diarrhea of the mouth for nearly three weeks now, KANYE WEST decided during a recent interview with Complex magazine that it was a good time to put an end to that, this time lashing out against people who use the word “bling” to describe the frivolously gaudy gold-and-diamond-encrusted jewelry that has become a mainstay with rappers and wannabes. “Only white people and older black people say ‘bling’ now. If a white person uses slang too early, then that makes them look like a wigger. But if black people use slang too late, then it makes them look like a wigger.” What does that mean? Since when can a black person be a “wigger” and is Mathan Erhardt going to be upset about this?
In other diarrhea-of-the-mouth-related news, UGK rapper PIMP C has retracted a previous statement that he made regarding Atlanta, where he dismissed the city as “East Coast”, and not having much of a stake in the shitty South rap movement. “Atlanta is not the South,” he recently told Ozone magazine during an interview. “When you go to Atlanta what does your clock say? When you get off the plane from Los Angeles or Texas, what time do it be over there? Atlanta is East Coast time. You [edited for sensitivity in re Mathan Erhardt v. Ryan T. Murphy and Mitch Michaels (2003)]s ain’t in the South.” But after realizing that not only do several successful Southern rappers (viz. LUDACRIS and T.I.) come from Atlanta, but a shitload of UGK’s album sales also come from the city, Pimp C did the smart thing and apologized, though he may have overdone it: “To all my Atlanta fans and friends, I want to say I apologize for my statement in the Ozone magazine about Atlanta not being the south!! That was a bulls%&t statement!! Atlanta is and has always been the dirty ‘mthfkn’ South!! … The rest of what I said about them p$%&y ass [edited for sensitivity in re Mathan Erhardt v. Ryan T. Murphy and Mitch Michaels (2003)]z (re comments made about Russell Simmons and NE-YO) is and always will be the truth!” He also said that 50 Cent looks like a bottle-nosed dolphin, but nobody seems to have taken issue with that, and I really don’t see why they would.
News Headline: Jack White claims journalists are lazy
I sort of take issue with that, but I don’t real feel like writing a piece about it.
Hoping that she’d be able to help her re-ignite her musical career, LINDSAY LOHAN reportedly had contacted BLACK EYED PEAS singer/ruiner FERGIE just two days before her July 24 drunk-driving/drug-possession arrest to see if Fergie would help her write a song for an upcoming album, according to Fergie’s mother. Terri Jackson told reporters, “Lindsay called Fergie just two days before [Lohan’s arrest] and told her that she really loved her song ‘Big Girls Don’t Cry.’ Lindsay wanted Fergie to write her a song. That was after she tried to score some meth of off her.”
Singer/actor MARC ANTHONY, who recently (and unintentionally) bloodied his wife, JENNIFER LOPEZ while filming a fight scene for his upcoming HECTOR LAVOE biopic, El Cantante, recently told reporters that the first time he met the legendary salsa musician, the first words out of Lavoe’s mouth were, “My God, are you the ugliest chick I’ve ever seen in my life.” Funny, that’s the same thing that went through my head when I first saw this person.
Cheers
-JF2k7!
