OR AT LEAST THE AUGUST PPV
R A B B L E
S L A M !
Wrestling’s biggest summer payperview done in the Rabblestyle. Now let’s just assume you don’t know what that is – we gather together and watch wrestling.. just like you. We also sit and comment on the action.. just like you! The difference is, I type fast so I write it all down. That’s the Rabble!
Joining us for this wrestlefest isssssss:
Live from the Continental Arena in New Jersey, where I would have been if I didn’t go see the O&A comedy show last night and didn’t have the money for…
All the commentators are here!
Starting the show isss… KANE!
Wait a second, the whole reason they are fighting is because Lashley got coffee on Kane…. didn’t Jericho have a feud for the same reason!?
“Maybe Kane’s just unlucky.” – Bill
“Maybe he just doesn’t like coffee.” – Me
So we start up with Kane beating down on Lashley, elbow drops, solid boot, and big fists to the face. Holds him into the corner and elbows him a few times. All offense from Kane until he charges Finley in the corner and eats a boot. Kane charges and a big fist sends Finley over.
Kane follows out and a big boot. They head back in the ring and Kane heads to the top rope, but Finley charges him and Kane drops to the outside holding his taped up belly.
In the ring, Finley stomps down on his tape and splashes all over Finley. Finley now rolls him in for a single leg crab with the leg planted right in his back.
Kane gets to one foot, and a SOLID enzuigiri drops Finley. Kane throws Finley to the ropes and ANOTHER big boot. Sideslam from
Kane for two. He heads up to the top rope again and HITS the big clothesline.
He charges Finley, he moves and a leap right onto Kane’s gut for two. Finley heads out and brings in Lil Bastard! The midget skirts out of his vest and bails for Kane to boot Finley again and he goes after the Bastard. Finley stops before Kane chokeslams him!
He grabs Finley instead for the chokeslam but can’t get him up! Boots to the gut from Finley to break the hold. Short DDT from Finley and he goes to take off the turnbuckle! As the ref tries to put it back, he goes to hit Kane with the shelaleigh, but BLOCKED by a knife-edge chop. Finley rolls out and NOW hits him with the wooden stick.
PIN FO….TWO! Finley charges the corner, Kane moves and CHOKESLAM! DONE.
“..that was great, glad we got this ppv.” – Dani
Admittedly we were quiet as we were enjoying our pizza.
“His name is Hornswaggle?” – Dani
“Yeah..” – Me
“That’s not a very leprechan name..” – Dani
“What is?” – Me
“Warwick Davis.” – Me
In the back now, ALL of the GM’s are in the back and here comes Vince with Coach. They are all partying it up.
“Wow, they rated the Oriental Trading catalogue for decorations.” – Dani
This is all interrupted by Santino who tries to convince that he might be Vince’s son.. Vinnie.. Vincenzo! Anyway, here comes MVP! MVP wants to offer a challenge to Matt Hardy.. not wrestling.. something else.
Vince said that he would be happy if MVP was his son. Coach begins to agree, but Regal interrupts and says that MVP isn’t distinguished enough…. wasn’t…. REGAL enough.
Vince and Coach then discuss how Vince would never sleep with an English woman… then makes fun of the office.
So we get a Rey commercial.
Now though… KENNNEEEDDDDYYYY!!!!
“Listen to Jersey chanting along with him.” – Me
Time for he who spits and such – Carlito
“Nice set.” – Hernandez
“It looks like a large Carlito’s Cabana..” – Dani
“Did Umaga lose weight?” – Dani
“No, his tattoos got bigger.” – Bill
Umaga in the middle of the ring to start with Carlito and Kennedy creeping around him. Umaga starts with a headbutt to Kennedy – as Carlito tries to walk in, he gets a chop.
Umaga drops Kennedy, then back to Carlito, then BACK to Umaga. They both bail and decide to come in at the same time. They try to doubleteam him, but Umaga still clubs both of them. He sets Carlito in the corner for the buttbump, but Kennedy grabs Umaga and pulls his leg so he trips out of the ring.
He sets Umaga on the stairs and BOOT! Back in the ring, Kennedy gets rolled up by Carlito… One.. Two… Stopped due to Carlito’s hands on the ropes. Now Kennedy throws some fists, ropes, ducked clothesline, but Carlito hits the second rope back elbow for two.
Side front facesweep by Kennedy. He hits the ropes and he is GRABBED by Umaga and thrown out. Now it’s Carlito and Umaga time with Carlito…
“I see they are diverging from the three man format..” – Me
Kennedy charges in and throws Umaga to the corner, he then heads out and hits Umaga with a TV… as he’s about to get into the ring he’s tossed by Carlito and Carlito goes for the pin! Two only.
Kennedy gets back in and they start the doubleteam action. Fight for the double suplex… blocked and Umaga hits his OWN double suplex. All three are down.
Umaga hits the samoan drop on Carlito! He hits the black whole on Kennedy! Two count BLOCKED by Carlito. He gets pushed to the corner and eats the superkick and the buttbounce!
Umaga turns to charge Kennedy and drops the rope – Umaga goes FLYING!
“Fly fatass fly!” – Me
Kennedy grabs Carlito, hits the Kennedy roll! Umaga grabs Kennedy, THUMB POKE OF DOOM.. DONE.
“They let Umaga go clean over Kennedy!?!?” – Me
“He still might be Vince’s son..” – Hernandez
“Hey his name is still on the belt..” – Me
“Not for long.” – Hernandez
We now get ANOTHER Rey Mysterio package.
“BOOYAKA BOOYAKA” – Me
“We REALLY want you to be excited he’s here.” – Dani
We get the flashback of Chavo dressing like Rey on Smackdown.
“That sounds NOTHING like Rey.” – Bill
“I like that he sharpee’d his tattoos.” – Me
Chavo comes down in a black poncho that says ‘Warrior’
“Warrior?…OH! GUERRERO!” – Me
“Very good” – Hernandez
We get a long moment for the return…
“What’s funny is Triple H is coming out.” – Bill
“They’re launching him from Giants Stadium
…and Rey is there in complete silver! WOW!
“Silver Surfer Rey!” – Hernandez
“Where’s his surfboard?” – Dani
“Where’s his pride?” – Jeffrey
“So he’s pushing tin-man?” – Jenna
They go face to face..
“Did Rey gain a little weight?” – Hernandez
“He should have painted horizontal stripes.” – Me
The Chavo sucks chant begins and they have a quick start-up. Takedown and cover from Rey with a backbridge from Guerrero for two.
There is an amazing monkeyflip back and forth ending with a armdrag. Fantastic. Back in the ring, Chavo starts to work right on the bad knee.
“OWWIE OWWIE! Not the bad knee!” – Hernandez
Chavo goes for a dropkick, Rey moves and Chavo flies OUT Of the ring. Rey runs hits the ropes and a front flip lands on Chavo like a westcoast pop.. sorta.
So now Rey in kicking the hell out of Chavo.
“GIVE EM THE SILVER!” – Hernandez
“He’s rusting..” – Bill
Sliding dropkick to Chavo and a snapkick to his back. Chavo fights back, throws Rey to the corner, but it’s blocked with a boot, leap to the top and a rana from Rey! Rey leaps to the top again and Chavo hits him..
“Tree of AY DIOS MIO!” – Hernandez
Dropkick from Chavo in the knee and now Chavo taking advantage kicking the hell out of him.
“Hey a tattoo was revealed, do I win a prize?” – Dani
“Only if you find an exact copy of that tattoo elsewhere on his body.” – Bill
Chavo now runs him all over the ring and locks his head beneath his knee.
“What is THAT?!” – Dani
“..It HURTS..” – Hernandez
Rey moves his leg around his neck and hits a headscissors. Now Chavo wraps his leg around Rey’s and hits a backbridge! He looks like he’s going to row the boat, but instead pulls BACK… OWWIE! Back on his feet, Rey hits an enzuigiri! Chavo hits the sceond rope!
RUNS FOR THE 619…. FALLS ON HIS KNEE! MEAN!
Now Chavo rolls him into a single leg crab, but Rey grabs the rope after a long moment. Euro-uppercut from Chavo, and he gets hurled into the ropes…
Chavo goes for a bodyslam, Rey … reversed it!? We are confused by the entire affair for a moment, but Rey gets Chavo up on the top rope and drops HIM into the tree of woe – a slew of kicks into Chavo’s knee.
Rey leaps on him to the outside.
“AWW HIT THE WHOOPIE CUSHION!” – Hernandez
Back in, Rey hits the top rope! Flying cross, DENIED. He HITS the Gory Special! TWO! ONLY TWO! NICE!
Rey on the ropes now, kicks CHavo lands him on the second rope… MISSES the 619 and now Chavo goes for the Three Amigos! Rey lands on his feet with the third. Trips him on the second rope! 619! WestCoastSplash! THE. END.
WINNER: REY MYSTERIO
Solid solid return match!
Candice is here, and she’s pink and glittery.
“Get naked or leave the ring.” – Nina
“She did get rid of the spin thing… so I guess that’s ok” – Dani
DIVA BATTLE ROYAL!
MARIA! BETH! MICKIE! MICHELLE! NIDIA! VICTORIA! KAYLA! KELLY! BROOKE!
“They’re letting them wrestle?” – Dani
“No.. they’re letting them punch and kick.” – Hernandez
Maria is wearing an adorable little white number. Yay.
Anyway, battle royal.
“All you hear is moaning and groaning.. just atke the audio and this would be just dirty.” – Hernandez
“You say dirty.. I say awesome.” – Me
Mickie fighting with Beth on the corner. Three blondes in another corner. Brook on Maria…. the f*ck is that about!?
I’ll let you know if anything interesting happens. Oh, then someone gets thrown out.
“Who was that?” – Me
“Rewind it.” – Jeffrey
“Oh nevermind..” – Me
Maria with a HIGH kick to Jillian and Jillian charges her out… DAMMIT!
“Mickie and Beth are still in there… I’m ok with that.” – Hernandez
Lots of choking and stuff. Layla was taken out.
“Don’t be upset, you aren’t a wrestler anyway.” – Hernandez
Jillian throws Mickie, but Mickie crawls out. Victoria got booted out by someone. Then
“Who was the blondie that just got tossed?” – Me
“HEEEY BLONNDIEEE” – Michael
Another blonde is out. Jillian still fighting with Mickie. She goes to headscissor out Jillian! Jillian f*cks up and Torrie gives the assist. Melina then charges Mickie and OUT!
So now Melina with Torrie and Beth with Michelle McCool. Final Four. Melina sits against the ropes Michelle McCool clotheslines her and Melina DOESN’T go over!
McCool with the assist and here we are with the final three…
There is a double clothesline spot with Beth, and Michelle and Torrie clothesline herself.
Now Michelle McCool and Beth! Beth just picks her up and OUT SHE GOES!
WINNER: BETH PHOENIX
Wait a sec… here comes MVP with a cooler!
“Why does he have a cooler?” – Dani
“Severed head from Dawn of the Dead.” – Hernandez
MVP explains nobody bought a ticket to see the divas. They bought tickets to see MVP. I guess the diva bit’s over.
“MVP doesn’t wear a suit well.” – Dani
“Yeah that cumberbund has GOT to go… oh wait, that’s his belt.” – Michael
So he bibbles on and here comes Matt Hardy. They are going to have a beer drinking contest….
“So wait, they didn’t pay to see girls in lingerie, they paid to see two guys drink beer?” – Michael
Matt decides to drink, but first talk… we don’t listen. He isn’t going to try to beat him in a drinking contest.
“But Jeff Hardy can out drug both of them.” – Dani
So since MVP got a substitute for the boxing match. Matt has a substitute for the drinking contest… the crowd chants Austin.
“Oh god why..” – Dani
“I like that MVP is acting as if he has NO idea.” – Michael
“The corpse of Yokozuna!” – Hernandez
“BARRRYYY HOROWITZ!” – Me
So the glass shatters.
“I’m glad they got the divas out of the ring area.” – Dani
“This is NOT FAIR!” – JBL
“This is NOT ENTERTAINING!” – Michael
So Austin heads in and finishes off one beer with Matt.
“I thought he was drinking with MVP.” – Michael
“That was his training beer.” – Me
“Limbering up?” – Michael
“Livering up?” – Me
“Sometimes I wish I smoked… this would be my break” – Dani
“Wanna go while I smoke?” – Jeffrey
Dani leaves and the drinking contest begins. He throws a beer at him… and stuns him. The end.
WINNER: …nobody really
Wrestlemania is going to be at Orlando… TNA much?
In the back, Vince is talking and here are CRYYYME TYYME!
“Ding dong man.. Ding dong yo!” – Michael
They comment that THEY might be Vince’s children. They get their lil chant going. There was there spot for the show. Coach and Teddy dance around too.
“Hey, Coach IS black isn’t he…” – Bill
Regal looks completely disgusting, then the Yankees hat gets on him and he busts a grove…..
“Just like Frosty the Snowman.” – Michael
Regal turns around and there is Ron Simmons….
“Ahh, a return to the old formula.” – Me
ECW Match Next..
After both get to the ring…
Starts up with Morrison drops him and a nice amateur headlock spot. Reversals abound. Hiptoss and an airplane spin slam. Hangs Punk on the top rope. Hits a top rope dropkick..
“Shades of CM Punk..” – Hernandez
They now fight for the suplex on the apron. Charges into Morrison, but eats a knee. Morrison then hits a NECKBREAKER to the outside.. f*ck!
Back in the ring. Euro-uppercuts from Morrison. Wraps a tight headlock. Punk fights out of it with stiff shots and he gets dropped on the second rope. Stiff kick to Punk’s chest for two. Back into the headlock spot. Punk gets to his feet slowwwwwly…
Fights out of it and punches Morrison. Third fist ducked and there is a push off into the corner, leap and Morrison catches him sunset flip for two. Punk now back on his feet bulldog.. stopped, Morrison bolts out of it but walks into the superkick for a two count. Throws him to the ropes, big powerslam.
“Riders on the bodyslam..” – Michael
Punk now goes for the big stomach punch and he eats a backbreaker and a flip forward for two. Punk gets a the clothesline, Punk hits a moonsault FOR TWO!
“Is this match a commentary on how punk might beat the old guard of music?” – Michael
Morrison charges in and Punk throws him onto the top rope. Punk hits the second rope for a clothesline to drop Morrison. Somehow MOrrison gets up first, picks up Punk but small package gets us a two. Snapkick from Punk DROPS Morrison!
“Got him right in the Lizard King” – Michael
Picks him up on the top turnbuckle.
“Do you know who I blame for this?” – Dani
“Who?” – Hernandez
“Benoit.” – Dani
HERRRRE COMESSS KINNNG BOOOKKERRRR!
Heartbeat…. we can rebuild him… oh f*ck they are giving him the bionic man entrance.
“We can rebuild him.” – Intro
“But we don’t have that much money…” – Nina
“As long as this isn’t every week.” – Me
He screams into the mic ‘Are you ready’ … we get the beep beep again and HUGE ‘X-Style’ fireworks… BEHOLD! THE KING OF KINGS!
IT’S TIME TO PLAY THE GAME!
“Oh come ON already!” – Me
“Welcome your new world champion.” – Dani
We spend the five minutes it takes to get him to the ring trying to translate, ‘GENIBUS NINETO CANUS’
Starts up with Booker slamming on Trips.
“Wow Hunter really selling!” – Hernandez
Trips no sells and fights back!
“Nevermind.” – Hernandez
Clothesline sends Booker to the outside. The crowd is going nuts. Book goes for a lock up and Hunter boots him. Fights Book into the corner. Charges him and Book throws an elbow. Throws Book to the ropes and Book holds on but gets clotheslined over.
Trips follows out, slams him on the barrier and brings him back in. They continue to fight and a ddt for two. Trips tries to throw him to the ropes and it’s reversed, he dropkicks the knee and now Book on top wrapping the leg across the apron.
We spend a good few minutes discussing how long this match is going to last as compared to how long Trips will be celebrating.
So Book goes for a slam, Trips fights out of it and he clips his knee. Now Hunter puts him in the Figure Four.. Sharmel pokes the eyes! Book hits the crescent kick for two.
Book now fighting it out, Trips comes back with his own punches. They continue and Trip gets the head of it and throws him to the outside… charges him on the steps.
“MY QUAAAAD!” – Hernandez (As Booker)
“That’s irony.. get in the ring.” – Bill
Back in the ring, Trips throws him to the ropes and hits the spinebuster!
“You might want to stop doing that.” – Me
Goes for the pedigree! DENIED! Booker goes for the Bookend! HITS IT! Two.. of course!
Book hits a few raised knees and a sideslam from Book. Goes for the Harlem Hangover! MISSES! Awwwww… Hunts then hits a crotchshot! Sets up the pedigree! That’s it.
WINNER: BOOKER …..no.. I’m kidding
So Hunter drops to his knees raising his hands in the air.
“DON’T DO THAT!” – Me
“I’m back! I don’t have to deal with Stephanie anymore!” – Hernandez
“I hate watching kids!” – Bill
Khali is here.. woo.
“He must have scared EVERYONE in his village.” – Michael
MOST WELL TIMED SIGN OF THE NIGHT: ‘We Want Edge’
Khali pushes Batista to the corner and punches him to the mat. Batista kicks him and pushes him back into the corner. Back elbow drops Batista. Clothesline from Khali.
Boot sends Batista to the outside.
“He’s a ragdoll!” – JBL
“Nevah see him leavin by the backdoor.” – Hernandez
Another clothesline. Two with the cocky pin. Khali hurls him into the shoulder post. Twice. Shoulder pinch. Batista grabs the rope and is pulled back into an elbow…. and another shoulder pinch.
Batista on one knee starts to fade as the crowd starts the ‘BORING’ chant. He gets out of it and runs into a boot.
“15,000 people chanting boring, and one guy with a Batista sign.” – Bill
Khali goes for the ‘Vice Grip’ and Batista blocks it and hits the spinebuster! He puts Khali between his legs for the Batista Bomb but Khali pushes him to the corner. He clocks Khali and goes to the top… jumps with no move in mind and is caught!
Khali Drop. Pin for TWO! The translator guy throws in a chair… Khali clocks Batista with it and that’s the end.
WINNER via DQ: …khali…
So Khali grabs the chair and swings the chair, ducked and speared by Batista.
“That was a weak spear” – Nina
“Yeah, it’s like knowing you are going to be spearing a road divider.” – Michael
Batista now clubs with the chair.
“I’M SORRY VIZZINI!” – Michael
Ok – everyone kept their title… Cena Must Lose.
“Or else this is the most useless PPV ever?” – Jeffrey
“No, second most.” – Me
“What was first?” – Jeffrey
“Vengence – Night Of Champions.” – Hernandez
In the back.. Mae and Moolah.. Regal explains that they aren’t the MOTHER of his child, but she wants to HAVE relations and HAVE his bastard son. Regal has to pull her hair to get her of him.
“How could she have her son.. her ovum are dusty?!” – Me
“Didn’t a 60 year old just have a child?” – Bill
“Mae Young is in fact 3,002” – Me
Vince admits… he kinda liked it.
Well Timed Sign: IF CENA WINS: WE RIOT
Side headlock from Cena! BOOS!
Orton pushes him out, headlock takedown from Cena. BOOS!
Pushes Orton to the corner. Orton gets HIS headlock. CHEERS!
Shouldercheck drops Cena. Headlock takedown from Orton
Orton Headlock Count: 2
Drop toe hold from Cena! BOOS!
Discus punch from Orton! CHEERS!
Big fist and euro-uppercuts from Orton. Throws Cena to the corner, reversed and bulldog from Cena with the pin for two. BOOS!
Throws Orton to the ropes, kick to the gut and a punch to the back of Cena’s head with a pin for two. They fight on the ropes and Cena runs back, hits the flying cross but Randy DROPS!
Cena rolls to the apron and gets up – Orton TOSSES him to the table. He throws Cena into the ring for two.
Orton Headlock Count: 3
Cena gets up and belly to back to fight out of it. He charges Orton and runs right into a turnbuckle.
“This match is really just Orton dropping.” – Hernandez
Two count. Orton then goes with the Garvin Stomp. Stomps him in the face! OWW!
“WHO THROWS A SHOE!” – Me
He drops the knee and misses. He hits the ropes and leaps, but caught into the powerslam. Headlock!
Orton Headlock Count: 4
“They’re calling the next spot…. it’s a headlock” – Bill
Cena fights out… again… hits the ropes… eats a dropkick! Pin for two. Back on their feet, Orton punches on Cena. Cena throws Orton to the ropes. Catches him into a sleeper, Cena rolls him out and it ends in.. guess the f*ck what…
Orton Headlock Count: 5
So now Cena fights to get to his feet… again… except now holding the weight of all of Orton, charges back into the corner and Orton goes for a punch, blocked and now Cena on top with the three shots. The shoulderblocks. The blue thunder. The You Can’t See Me…. Hits it.
Picks Orton up for the FU! Orton blocks it drops and hits the Orton backbreaker. Hangs Cena on the second rope annnd DDT. TWO COUNT!
Randy drops down to the RKO set up. He waits… RKO – Pushed out – Cena charges – Randy drops the rope…
“And Umaga is STILL the Intercontinental Championship” – Me
“And Hunter is STILL in the ring.” – Jeffrey
He charges Cena in the stairs. Rolls him in for a solid two. Orton charges in and eats a back elbow. Cena hits the ropes and throws the neckbreaker. Cena hits the top and Randy catches him so he’s dropped onto the turnbuckle and Randy now throws some uppercuts. Now climbs to the top. Set up for the superplex.
Cena fighting out of it.
“Stop pushing on my chin.. yer a dick!” – Bill
Cena PUSHES him out of it. Top rope legdrop from Cena. Orton turns around, he’s up in the FU BUT HAS THE ROPES! Orton lands on the apron and chokes Cena on the ropes. Randy crawls in and sets up for the RKO..
“He looks like he’s going to rape the mat.” – Dani
He’s sizing up the running boot. Charges. Cena moves! Cena drops him and STFU!!!!
Randy is CRAWWWWLING FOR THE ROPES………. Jusszzzzz GETS em!
“I like that they are making this ….. ” – Me
“…Interesting?” – Michael
“Yes!” – Me
So back on their feet, Randy HITS THE RKO!!!!!!!! Randy seems to have hurt his leg. Pins!!! TWO!?!?!?
Back on their feet – Cena hits the FU out of NOWHERE.. that’s it.
WINNER: JOHN CENA
No titles changed hands. Wooptyf*ck.
So what did we think of SummerSlam?
“It was alright, it got progressively better.” – Nina
“I’m sorry I missed the best part of the show, when Regal got his groove on” – Dani
“Good show, just want Cena to die.” – Hernandez
“Hnnnnhh..” – Jenna
“I think Cena should have won that…” – Bill
“Solid show, but Cena should go home and let the dogs out.” – Jeffrey
“I want to pay $40 and see titles change hands. That’s all I ask.” – Me