So it turns out that it may have been a little bit of a mistake to take in 5 movies in two days a few weeks ago. While it seemed like a fun idea at the time, barely anything has come out that has been worth seeing in the subsequent weeks which has made my weekends frustrating. I know they’re watching masterpieces and Oscar contenders in other cities, as my local theaters pack their screens with The Game Plan and Rob Zombie’s pathetic remake of Halloween. This isn’t to say that I saw many Oscar contenders on this particular movie marathon weekend.
In fact, after seeing two incredible films to begin my weekend, the rest of the films weren’t exactly on the same level of narrative quality. In fact, the next two, Resident Evil: Extinction, which I covered last week, and Dragons Wars seemed to have been written with no emphasis on making sense what so ever. Make no mistake, these two films were the low point of this exercise. Fortunately, we planned the night well enough that we didn’t end up on a down note. Finishing up with a blast, Shoot em Up managed to save the evening and send us home happy.
First though, we had to get through Dragon Wars, which I protested seeing in the first place, but was soundly over ruled by the others in my party. If only they had listened to me. Be warned people, this movie may still be playing in your community. The poster may look crazy and the trailers may look insane enough that you may want to check it out on a lark. Unless you’re a fan of complete lack of coherence or plot structure, just try to skip it. Do yourself a favor and go see 3:10 to Yuma again instead. You’ll thank me later.
Dragon Wars Starring Jason Behr, Amanda Brooks, and Robert Forster. Directed by Hyung-rae Shim.
I knew next to nothing about this flick when I sat down to watch it on this fateful Saturday, and I can say that after sitting through it, I still don’t. Now, I’ve sat through movies that didn’t seem to make much sense to me before. Eraserhead I found perplexing, and the works of Alejandro Jodorowsky are ridiculously insane, and hell, even Phantasm isn’t completely and fully clear to me, but I don’t think I’ve ever sat through a movie, that is essentially just trying to be a popcorn flick, that was this bughouse crazy before.
Think you have some odd childhood memories? Well I think Ethan (Jason Behr) has got you beat. Apparently while his dad was trying to hock a cheap sword in an antique shop when he was a child, the owner of the of the store saw Ethan and told him that he was the reincarnation of an ancient warrior who was destined to find the love of his life, but he would have to sacrifice this love so that a giant serpent could become a celestial dragon that will save the world. Only he learns that there will also be an evil force that will try to claim the girl as well, and that a final battle will have to take place in order for her to complete her destiny.
While this opening sounds like your pretty standard Mythic Fantasy tale, this flashback also features another flashback of the tale of this ancient warrior that Ethan is the reincarnation of. This flashback actually starts out pretty fun, taking place in 16th century Korea, as an ancient Martial Arts Master regales the same legend to Ethan’s former self. This flashback even features a decent Kung fu sequence, and we’re introduced to the giant serpent (we’re talking Godzilla big) that will take the spirit of the girl that this warrior is in love with in order to become the great dragon that you often see in Asian art. Then the movie goes completely off the deep end.
As the forces of evil show up with their own giant serpent, they also bring with them an army of dinosaurs, complete with rocket launchers on their backs. Now, I’m not one to really nitpick during a Fantasy movie, but it makes me wonder why the bad guys even need a dragon if they have dinosaurs with rocket launchers. This is on top of the army themselves all being black clad warriors that seem to be a cross of a ninja and any random bad guy from Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. Also featured in this army are flying dinosaurs that happen to breathe fire. Now correct me if I’m wrong here, but isn’t that a dragon? Apparently not, as the heavies rain fire and destruction upon the heroes until the star-crossed lovers must kill themselves in order to keep the dragon’s power from falling into the wrong hands.
Fast forward 500 years, and Ethan, now grown, finds Sarah (Amanda Brooks), the girl he believes is his lost love. When a giant snake starts chasing them around Los Angeles, I think he becomes convinced she’s the one. Here’s the problem; this giant cobra keeps showing up around the city and the US government and the news media seem pretty oblivious to this fact. Worse yet, the army of villains return with their dinosaurs (including the flying ones that breathe fire, but aren’t dragons) and declare war on the city.
While this leads to some pretty giant set-pieces and effects that aren’t really that bad, the movie doesn’t make enough sense to care about what’s going on. We’re stuck with these two-dimensional characters, preposterous situations, and a plotline that you would need a libretto to follow. On top of all that, the movie isn’t consistent in any way. At one moment, the giant snake is causing earthquakes with its movements, other times its able to sneak up on its victims, even as it’s crushing the tops of buildings. Then in one moment, a character that hasn’t seen the snake yet feels a tremor and says “I hope that was an earthquake.” Really? I mean, first of all, what else would it be, and secondly, you’re hoping for an earthquake.
The movie doesn’t really become clearer in its final reel either, as the lovers are taken to a land that resembles Mordor quite a bit. There’s a giant castle where Sarah is going to be sacrificed, and a desolate wasteland with a red sky as far as the eye can see. It’s not explained at all how they got there, we’re just supposed to go with it. Suddenly, the good serpent shows up to save the day, and a giant battle ensues. SpoilersThis is all fine and dandy, and in the end the good guys win and Sarah sacrifices herself for the dragon, only after the battle Ethan is left standing by himself in the middle of Mordor with no way to get home to Los Angeles. How do they explain him getting home? If you said, “they don’t and just roll the credits” you’d be right! End Spoilers
Not that they have much to work with, but generally all performances are universally terrible. Jason Behr and Amanda Brooks don’t really have any discernable chemistry, which renders any of the events at the end of the film moot. Really the only characters that are any fun to watch are Robert Forster as Jack, Ethan’s Obi-Wan in this film, who seems to be the only one taking this movie completely seriously. The other person who’s fun to watch is Craig Robinson, who plays Bruce, Ethan’s sidekick. Robinson plays Darryl on The Office, and he plays Bruce as if he were the same person, in other words, hilarious. There’s one point where he grabs the sword of the bad guy and tries to take him down, which goes no where fast, but then the scene ends with Ethan and Sarah getting in a car and just ditching Bruce in the hands of the bad guy and it may actually be the dramatic high point in the film because the main character just completely discarded his best friend.
Just like Resident Evil: Extinction, it befuddles me just how a movie like this even gets made. Dragon Wars could have been fun with a decent script and people we cared about, but apparently film makers had no interest in presenting something like that at all. They just filled the screen with mindless effects and hoped for the best, which ends in this film being a total failure. The only hope for enjoyment in this movie is the sense of bewilderment that comes from not knowing at all what is going on in this movie at any given time.
So I’ve done it again. I’ve harped on a movie so long, that I didn’t get to the movie that I really wanted to cover. Seriously though, if this prevents someone from going to see Dragon Wars then I’ve done my job. So I think what I’m going to do, I is put off covering Shoot’em Up for a while so I can cover some Horror movies before the month is over, but I promise I’ll get to it soon, so this movie marathon can finally end.
