Oh, God, nothing can go right in my life, can it? While I was out shopping on Friday, my computer went blooey. Now, normally I’m very good at troubleshooting this kind of stuff, but this one just flummoxed me. So I bit the bullet. It’s been over two and a half years since I gutted the thing anyway, and who cares about cash when you’ve got plastic? So, new case, new mobo, new processor, new RAM, new power supply. Of course, this couldn’t have been done on one trip. My first thought was the case/power supply. Well, the power supply that came with the case was…well, as inadequate as Troy Hepple at the Mustang Ranch. That was Trip Number One to Fry’s on Monday. Number Two was the mobo/processor/RAM. Still couldn’t get the damn thing to work. So it was back to Fry’s for a new power supply. That finally did the trick. I got everything up and running just in time to do Raw.
The guys at Fry’s hate me. I just know it. Of course, considering that they work for Fry’s…well, you can fill in the blanks.
Well, the football season is over, especially since I’m very, very close to coming up with the exact deal the Faggot Brady made with Satan. I won’t be watching the Super Bowl this year, even for the ads (hell, they can be downloaded within moments of the final gun, so why bother?). The totally nauseating part is that the East Coast Bias Cheating Faggots are picking in front of the Bears (dear God, Lovie, why did you win against Nawlins?). The top quarterbacks, and there is no doubt that the Bears have to select another one and cut ties with all three of the stiffs they have now, might be gone by that point. 7-9 is a pisser of a record, not good enough to promote optimism and not bad enough to get the draft picks you really need. Bleh.
No, wait. There is one condition upon which I will watch the Super Bowl. That is if the Faggots are playing the FudgePackers. The reason for this is simple: I’ve never properly stress-tested this medication I’m on, and this is the perfect opportunity. I’m going to be drugged up and butt-ugly drunk for that one. Just gotta keep the sharp objects stashed away and the guns out of reach.
And if you’re a fan of either of these teams, you are no longer allowed to read my column. Piss off, vanish, and fall down a very deep sanitary cistern, where your cries will not be heard by man or beast. There’s no Lassie to save you from that deep, smelly, ordure-laden well, Timmy.
And speaking of deep, smelly, ordure-laden wells, it’s time for the pimps…
THE PIMP SECTION
Glazer says that Sytch and Lacey got into a bitch-fight during the ROH PPV taping. Who cares about the rest of the show?
Vinny actually got his dad to wait in line to get Jericho’s autograph on his new autobio. That’s really sleazy, Vinny.
Fernandez does a best-of column. I would have thought that he, of all people, would avoid that trap.
I’ll smoke if I want, Montemale. Despite Illinois’ new anti-smoking laws, that is.
Hey, it’s a holiday. There’s nothing much up there. There’s nothing much in wrestling news, either, but there were tapings…
ECW AND SMACKDOWN SOMEWHAT SPOILED
Did you know that all three brands were operating on New Years’ Eve? I didn’t. Fortunately, one of 1bullshit Junior’s unpaid stringers actually attended instead of going somewhere to get drunk. So what’s gonna happen?
Nick Nemeth was in the dark match with Little Guido. They’re both still employed by WWE? Oooh, I definitely wasn’t paying attention during that six-month hiatus.
As we all know, Chavito went after Punk last week. That set up the opening promo for ECW, in which Chavito is essentially set up by Osama to have to beat Punk twice in order to win the title. Well, we’ve got a Mexican and a Cuban in the ring. Was Carly too busy to provide us with full Hispanic representation or something?
Mixed tag match opens the show post-promo. You can probably figure out the chick side. You can also probably figure out that Jimmy Yang’s presence in the match doesn’t balance out a certain set of former tag champions on the opposite side.
Shelton Benjamin gets a victory over someone I haven’t heard of. I have GOT to start watching ECW again. It’s got Punk, it’s got Benjy…it also has Mizanin…I need a drink.
The Punk/Chavito match ends in the crappiest way possible, and considering what I have to say later about the ending of the Flair/Trip match, that’s saying something.
Then Smackdown came around like the plague of locusts that it is…
WWE’s pulling out all of the old favorite gimmicks for the new year. We’ll have Raw Roulette next week, and we have Beat The Clock on Smackdown, with the winner getting a title shot at Royal Rumble. Yay.
Finlay versus Porter is the first Beat The Clock Match. Porter doesn’t get his intro or pyro, so you can kinda figure out who’s going to win.
Another mixed tag, as if ECW didn’t provide us with one too many. Chuck Palumbo and Michelle McCool on one side, and on the other…look, son, I told you that Victoria is still Hevia’s until further notice. No fooling around with other people’s significant others. Besides, you know Hevia’s given her something.
Batista is forced to face the Edgeheads in a Handicap Beat The Clock Match. Somehow, I don’t have a good feeling about this gimmick.
Douche and Dildo against Yang and Moore…oh, I am so not caring, despite Yang in the match.
UT faces up against Matt Striker in the next Beat The Clock…oops, no, we can’t have that. No, he has to face Mark Henry. Suddenly, my interest in watching this show has gone totally down the tubes. High-Quality Speaker Boy on the mic might have been able to save this one, but, no, he’s healthy again and on Raw. I’m starting to get a splitting headache.
Final match for the show is Rey-Rey versus Edge, and if you don’t know what’s going to happen, you’re flat-out stupid.
Oh, hell, let’s just go on to miseries already past…
THE SHORT FORM
FudgePacker over Shawn Michaels (Pinfall, faceplant): FudgePacker was involved. Not even Michaels could make me pay attention. Besides, I had about four days worth of e-mail to catch up on, so I wasn’t bored. Too bad if you watched it.
Jamalga over Jim Duggan, Royal Rumble Qualifying Match (Pinfall, Samoan Spike): Ah, what a wonderful way to disrespect the winner of the first Royal Rumble: feed him to Jamalga for a New Years’ Eve appetizer. Well, at least you knew going in that Duggan had no chance, and, quite frankly, maybe it’s a blessing for all of us that he isn’t in the Rumble Match.
Beth Phoenix over MickieLexis LaJames and Melina Perez, Women’s Championship Triple Threat Match (Pinfall, Beth pins Melina, fisherman’s suplex): A very well-done Triple Threat. The interaction between the women worked very well. It didn’t devolve into the Triple Threat Formula of elimination/one-on-one/change partners (in case you ever wondered what I meant by Triple Threat Formula). Most of the match had all three in the ring, good temporary alliances, and a nice level of action. A nice way to round out the year in the women’s division. Now, let’s get a little more daring with the booking in 2008, please.
Santino Marella over Jeffykins (Presumably COR): Angle Advancement Match. Gosh, I’ve missed those three little words. They just tell everything. And when they’re attached to an angle I don’t give a damn about, well, it tells so much more.
Ric over Trip (DQ, Regal-ference): So, let’s see. You have two of the most devious men in the history of wrestling in the ring against each other. They’re storyline friends (and real-life friends; Flair may have lied a lot in his book, but his friendship with Trip was definitely the truth). Either of them could easily figure out a plan to out-smart Vince; they’ve both done it numerous times before, and I can think of one easy way off the top of my head to do it: both of them smack your favorite ref and mine Mike Chioda in the kisser, double DQ, match is thrown out. Instead, this match, which has been hyped like hell for the past two weeks, ends by Regal completing his face turn.
HUH?! No, you idiots. We don’t want a “Trip gets another chance at getting in the Rumble Match” scenario. We got sick of that years ago. Regal didn’t need to do this. Wouldn’t Vince putting him into a Raw Roulette Match next week against Jamalga provide the same result without having to ruin this match (and don’t be surprised if that’s exactly what happens next Monday)? We want to see Ric and Trip be sneaky bastards, get one over on Vince, and have something between them leading into the Rumble. Dammit, it didn’t take me long to get sick of their moronic booking, did it?
If You Wanted An Emblem Of How Much 2007 Sucked…: Randy Orton being interrupted by Jeffykins. You really don’t have to say any more, do you?
Lay It All On Black: Actually, Raw Roulette kinda makes me excited. Anything that strains their “creativity” is a good sign, really. At least it’ll be mildly unpredictable. Let’s face it, when I could take six months off, then get back into things without any problem, predictability is a very, very big problem on their end.
Crying Out “Fire” In A Crowded Theater: Was anyone else hoping that the building would set on fire during High-Quality Speaker Boy’s endless pyro? Could you imagine Ross’ call of that one? Frankly, the prospect of an entire audience burning to death would have been the most exciting thing in wrestling in 2007. It’s probably the only thing guaranteed to get the media off the whole Benoit thing too. So, let us summarize: 1) Burning rednecks. 2) The media off our case for actually idolizing the guy before he snapped. 3) Ross going spaz. That’s entertainment.
And I’ll lay this puppy off and start enjoying the New Year. You do the same, and be back next week as they spin the wheel and make the deal.
Tags: ECW, Raw, Smackdown