RAW ROULETTE
THIS WEEK… no idea.
T H E
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E
Have you ever read the Rabble? Do you want to? Remember, if you read the Rabble… you have kids who read the Rabble. Even if you have never even had sex. It’s crazy like that.
Welcome to the Rabble. We sit and watch wrestling. We make fun of it. That’s the premise. Now that you know, learn who this week’s Rabble-Superstars are!
The American Gladiators are on while I write this…
BILL – Wolf!
JEFFREY – Titan!
DANIELLE – Crush!
MIKE – Helga!
LAURA – Siren!
HERNANDEZ – Toa!
JEN – Militia!
..and your Hollywood Hogan. Your stealer of heat. Your loser to the Ultimate Warrior… *snort* Me, James Hatton!
Not to mention that if you go to the Inside Pulse Threads – you can be an Insyder!
Last week Jeff Hardy beat Umaga! This week, Jeff Hardy wins something else… what? We’ll find out because he’s coming to the ring now in a flaming pink belt.
“Gayest belt ever.” – Me
Jeff Hardy has a mic.
“A smoke break this early in the show?” – Me
So Jeff calls out Randyyyy annnd… Randy’s here. He’s going to allow Jeff to have a match with Randy. Randy explains that only two people have held the IC and the World title at the same time.
“Warrior annnd…..?” – Me
“..” – Nobody knows.
“Hunter?” – Mike
“Ahmet Johnson?” – Me
Randy wants to face Jeff tonight for the IC Title.
“Holy shit, Randy has the quote of his career “ya see Jeff, you are fresh out of brothers for me to kick in the head”. Dammit that was great.” – Insyder Mr A Knife
Also, two months ago Ric has a career threatning match versus William Regal. Nice.
Ashley’s back and she is looking awesome.
“She lost a lot of weight.” – Mike
“And gained it all in her breasts.” – Me
Now.. MARIA! Oh my god. I might explode tonight. Finally, Mickie, looking good.. but not Ashley/Maria good.
“Oh my god, I’ve never loved yellow so much” – Insyder GothamAnswer
COMMERCIAL ONE – 9:10
We’re back and Melina’s here.
“I can’t wait to see her in HD.” – Mike
“You’ll be able to see the scars…” – Me
Jillian Hall. No comment.
Beth Phoenix. Sure.
SIX GIRLS
Nuff said
Jillian starts with pummeling Ashley. Throws Ashley to the corner. Leaps onto the top turnbuckle and charges Jillian. Tag to Melina. CLothesline from Ashley and a tag to Maria!
Mickie does a handstand kick.
“Sonja Blade!” – Kyle
Maria has Melina by the hair, but she gets dropped onto the second rope. Melina chokes her against it while Jillian cheats and kicks Maria in the face.
Tag to Beth. Poor Maria. Side suplex and a pin for one. Maria then gets a jawbreaker and a hot tag to Mickie. Dropkick to Beth and then a pounce over to the bad girls side of the ring. By the time she’s done, Beth is coming at her so she heads up to the top turnbuckle and a top rope Thesz Press.
Beth picks her up though and sets her up in Phoenix’s submission. Mickie backkicks her.
“Got her right in the Gavin Quest!” – Me
Bad girls try to run in and it turns into a big cluster. Beth ends it with the standing fisherman’s suplex.
WINNER: BETH PHOENIX & THE GALS
In the back Vince talking to Regal. Ric is going to do something that Randy Horton, Youmanga, and Triple Haitch couldn’t do. End Flair’s career in the most humiliating way possible.
“Naked?” – Me
“By a british man.” – Bill
So Ric brings out an enema bag? I don’t want to know why… so they mention HD and Snitsky mentions that he doesn’t care about HD.
“We know.” – Me
Tonight though, Snitsky vs. Triple Haitch so speaketh Vince.
COMMERCIAL TWO – 9:20
Royal Rumble flashback: Michaels and Taker were the last two.
“Shawn’s creepy toy music is back!” – Bill
“Shawn lost his smile that night.” – Mike
“And Taker lost a hip.” – Me
Now we have a Royal Rumble qualifier match.
Here comes Shawn Michaels…
“Wonder who’s winning.” – Me
“Could Michaels’ head be any more orange.” – Insyder Dogfingers
“I was just thinking that. Its funny, the oranger Shawn gets, the more technical he seems to get” – Insyder GothamAnswer
He’s got a microphone… he is upset that he has to have a qualifying match. He was last year’s runner up and he’s won it two times. He wouldn’t want to be one to usup the authority of the WWE… he has an idea.
He WAS coming out to make a challenge to Kennedy. Now, though it can be a Rumble match… oh wait, instead… here comes Trevor Murdoch.
HBK vs. TREVOR MURDOCH
Murdoch not going to be in the Rumble
“Murdoch’s off the roids.” – Me
“His muttonchops go down to his neck.” – Bill
Match starts with Murdoch punching the hell out of Shawn. Atomic drop to Shawn and a big boot. Whips Shawn corner to corner. Right into the chinlock.
Shawn gets thrown to the ropes. Boots Murdoch. A little back and forth before he finally hits the flying shoulder. PUnches Murdoch down. Atomic. Bodyslam. To the top rope for the flying elbow.
Now we get to tune up the band…. j – e – s – u – MURDOCH DROPS!
Shawn throws in the inverted figure four?! Crazy!
WINNER: HBK
Kennedy is on the big screen talking about how he’s beaten Shawn two times already. IT’s all natural. It’s the law of the jungle. So about a challenge to fight Kennedy next week.. he doesn’t feel that he has anything to show him, but he’s going to let him have the match.
Murdoch tries to blindside Shawn. Superkick.
Coming up – JBL’s 2nd Coming! Cute.
COMMERCIAL THREE – 9:36
Wrestlemania flash to Hogan losing to Warrior… there’s #1!
“Remember when that was awesome.” – Mike
Hornswaggle and Vince are talking about Horny’s entrant in the Royal Rumble.
“Look at that ficus tree.” – Kyle
So Vince, to get Horny ready, we’re going to have a mini-Royal Rumble match. Horny will be in first. The next will be Mr. Kennedy. Then Mankind?!? Then Batista. Maybe a surprise or two.
“Like… nevermind.” – Me
Vince then goes nuts and chokes Horny to the couch.
“Wow, this just got hot.” – Me
“How did he get a wig around his throat?” – Kyle (Discussing Horn’s beard.)
COMMERCIAL FOUR – 9:46
Time to play some games…
Also.. time to pop zitzzzzzz…
“Maybe he had shingles.” – Kyle
“It’s lupus.” – Me
SNITSKY vs. HUNTER
Yeah.. ok.
Locked in the corner, Hunter punches him out, rises the knee. Snitsky tries to fight out of it, but he is stopped by the Triple H’ness. Snitsky throws him to the ropes, shoulder block drops Hunter. He charges and gets thrown over the top. Ladeeda.
COMMERCIAL FIVE – 9:56
We come back with Trips eating a boot to the head. Beatdown in the corner. Shoulderchecks from Snitsky. Pins for two.
Bearhug from Snitsky.
“He’s giving him the heimlich!” – Hernandez
Hunter fights out of it, but he’s picked right into the powerslam – Trips scurries out of it and hits a DDT. Boot Pedigrrr… Snitsky throws Hunter to the outside.
“When SNITSKY gets out of the finisher… time for a new finisher.” – Me
“Do the indian death lock!” – Mike
On the outside now, Snitsky hurls him into the steps.
Snitsky then goes to hit him with the steps, but Trips boots him in the gut and hits him with a chair. DQ.
“COME ON! CAN’T WE GET SNITSKY OVER!” – Me
Then Hunter beats the shit out of him with a sledgehammer.
“Whatever Hunter hits.. he destroys.” – Hernandez
So just as he gets to the top of the key.
“Big head on the screen!” – Hernandez
‘You’ve been more violent lately… we’re getting worried. You need to take a chill pill’
“Thank you 1994 for that” – Me
“You see, we’re thinking you might kill someone.” – Hernandez
“..Ben…Hunter.” – Me
Hunter then hits the videoscreen with a hammer. Totally unimpressive.
“That looked like Wrestling Society X…” – Kyle
“Who knew a projection screen would explode if you hit it with a sledgehammer?” – Insyder CharlieInTheBox
COMMERCIAL SIX – 10:09
Vince in the back explains that Hunter is being this way because he’s not in the Royal Rumble. So he’s back in.. not because Hunter feels intimidated.
“But because we’re out of names.” – Jeffrey
Now.. JBL’s here. With balloons!
“99 LUFT BALLOONS!” – Me
“You know…Little Jimmy couldn’t have his birthday today because there were no balloons left. Damn you, JBL.” – Insyder BSUVincent
JBL explains that Jericho stuck his neck out ot save us. Well, last Monday he got beatdown by JBL.
“I get it. Irony with the mic on his throat.” – Eric
So back to JBL – ‘Where are you?’
“I’m right BEHIND you! In a balloon.” – Kyle
So JBL says he’s better than Jericho and he should tell his kids that their daddy is a coward.
COMMERCIAL SEVEN – 10:25
No Mercy Flashback – Hunter becomes the IC & World champ at the same time… so Mike was right.
Here’s the Royal Rumble match… here comes Horny!
MINI ROYAL RUMBLE
Now… KENNEDY! ….wait… it’s a little Kennedy!
“This is almost as good as Itty Bitty Gang Bang.” – Kyle
So Lil Kennedy drops the mic… and he can’t reach it.. awesome.
Lil Kennedy goes and throws Horny to the ropes, he doesn’t get tossed. Lil Kennedy tosses Horny into the corner and does the running boot. Who is coming down? Mini-Mankind!
“It does look like a Mini-Abyss.” – Hernandez
Mini Kennedy goes after Minikind, but Minikid hits a clothesline and brings out MiniSocko and goes to choke Horny with it, but he gets kicked in the nuts and his hair pulled and tossed out.
MinoHorny hits the full press and throws MiniKennedy over the TOP!
“D E D Dead” – Kyle
Now it’s time for MiniTista. He does the MiniMachinegun.
Awesome.
“So who is the last one?” – Mike
“Triple H.” – Me
Tista grabs Horny and goes for the powerbomb, he’s backflipped over and tries to go for a 619, but he’s denied as Minitista. Countdown.
MINIKANE!
“Short Sleeve Sampson?” – Mike
MiniKane comes in and hits the nightvedges all over. Tista goes and hits the minispinebuster.
“Their spines are so little and busted already…..” – Me
MInitista hits the Minipowerbomb better than the real Tista. Horny grabs him and throws Tista out. Now Horny is left in there with MiniKane.
Minikane sits up and he and Kane fight it out. Mini Kane climbs to the middle rope and hits a flying clothesline.
“This is better than the woman’s match.” – Mike
MiniKane goes for the chokeslam. Horny blocks it. Hits a few elbows and hits Finley’s finisher! The Celtic Cross then baseball slide out. Now it’s time for… Khali?
Of COURSE it’s the real Khali.
Lhali comes in and grabs Horny. Finley charges in and beats the snot out of Khali. Finley then beats up his translator leaving Finley in the ring with Horny.
WINNER: MINI HORNSWAGGLE… so err.. HORNSWAGGLE
COMMERCIAL EIGHT – 10:41
In the back Finley and Vince are talking. Vince has to explain that Khali coming out was not his idea. Finley references his and Finley’s ‘deal’. So Khali and Finley on Smackdown.
WOO!
RIC FLAIR vs. WILLIAM REGAL
Career on the line.
“An old guy with a side of old guy.” – Laura
COMMERCIAL NINE – 10:48
We’re back with Regal working all over RIc’s knee. Rolls RIc over for a single leg boston crab. Ric grabs the rope to drop it and Regal stomps him down.
Ric slides outside and Regal comes along with him. Ric now wrapping Regal’s leg on the apron and turnbuckle.
Back in the ring now, Ric hits the figure four!
Regal gets the rope though! Regal throws him to the ropes and rolls him up with the tights. He gets one.. two…. Ref caught it! Flair then instead gets his OWN okano roll-up with the tights for the win!
“Fruit.. roll-up.” – Hernandez
WINNER: RIC FLAIR
COMMERCIAL TEN – 10:54
Randy and Jeff – IC Title on the line.
RANDY ORTON vs. JEFF HARDY
IC Title on the line
Jeff runs in and LowwwwBlow. DQ.
WINNER: JEFF HARDY via DQ
Randy grabs the mic and says the show is not over. He throws Jeff out of the ring and lifts up the matting to reveal the cold unforgiving concrete.
“RKO is going to hurt Randy more…” – Hernandez
“Hurricanrana there is going to suck.” – Jeffrey
Sets up for the RKO, but Jeff pushes him to the ring. They now fight up the key.
Hurls Jeff into the metal frame of the RAW set. Randy goes to charge Jeff…. annnnd JEFF HURLS HIM OVER!
“Where’s the crashpad?” – Mike
“Other side of the arena..” – Hernandez
“Nothing in there but used steroid syringes” – Jeffrey
Jeff now climbs up to the top of the scafolding.
“Rage against the machine.. COME DOWN!” – Kyle
“Owen… is that you?” – Jeffrey
Jeff now climbs even higher!
“He found a warp zone!” – Hernandez
“And more of JBL’s balloons” – Kyle
HE SWANTONS!
“He missed him completely!” – Mike
“Nuhuh! When they show it he’ll be right on top of him” – Me
“I can’t wait to try that in my back yard!!!” – Insyder CharlieInTheBox
So here come the EMTs and doctors and all that wacky shit.
“They’re going to the Rumble in full body casts.” – Me
SAM – “It was great.”
JEN – “I want to bring the Minis home with him.”
HERNANDEZ – “Wolfman’s got nards.”
LAURA – “What the fuck.”
MIKE – “I fucking love midgets.”
KYLE – “He would have nutted his pants if they retarded too.”
OTHER LAURA – “I love Jeff Hardy.”
ERIC – “When’s the Royal Rumble”
RYAN – “It was like AWWWW and it was all OHHHHH and the bitch was all like YEAAAAH…”
BARBARA – “I don’t like wrestling. Sorry.”
JEFFREY – “I love lamp. I love midgets.”
The. End.
