And welcome back, folks, for the third part of our special (albeit a bit late) year-end feature, as this time we’ll be dealing with some of the most repugnant items from 2007.
Lindsay Lohan and Vanessa Minnillo: Fun With Knives
What happens when two friends get absolutely shitfaced and happen to have a digital camera nearby? Why, they take photos of themselves playing with kitchen knifes, of course. Doesn’t everyone do it? Actually, no… which means that Lindsay Lohan and friend (and Nick Lachey rebound) Vanessa Minnillo must have been blowing some really strong rails before taking these photos. It’s actually a wonder that no one was hurt, because they look annihilated. But seriously, how did this come to be? This little stunt seems a bit more suitable for a couple of high school sophomores to pull during a sleepover after discussing over Mike’s Hard Lemonades how they haven’t uploaded any new photos to their respective Facebook accounts lately. Of course, we all know that Lohan, 20, acts like a child, but not only is Minnillo 26 years old, but she doesn’t have a history of these types of shenanigans. Like Paris Hilton has shown vis-à-vis Britney Spears, an affinity for wacky behavior can be contagious. And speaking of which…
Britney Spears
With an almost weekly series of meltdowns over the past year, Britney Spears just couldn’t win. When photos of the singer without underwear spread around the Internet like wildfire in 2006, we all thought we’d seen the worst. We were terribly, terribly wrong. Spears made headlines so often in 2007 that early in the year I decided to boycott covering her in The SMonday Swindle Sheet unless she either posed naked or died.
While neither of those scenarios came to fruition over the year, Spears didn’t disappoint for those of you who love to see celebrities fall apart at the seams. When topless photos of the singer appeared on the Internet over the spring, a freind told reporters, “Britney’s furious these photos have become public… She never dreamed they’d be leaked. She’s concerned the photos will damage her credibility and just make her look trashy.”
Too late.
Over the course of the year, Spears, in roughly chronological order, went to rehab, checked out of rehab, shaved her head, went back to rehab, checked out of rehab, went back to rehab, attacked a paparazzo’s vehicle with an umbrella, had topless photos leaked onto the Internet, attended several custody hearings with Kevin Federline (who was fighting to get sole custody of the duo’s two children), attended parenting counseling, was charged with a misdemeanor hit-and-run and driving without a license, and lost custody of her children. Oh yeah, and as if that wasn’t bad enough, as a result of Britney’s antics, we got this…
Chris Crocker
When I first saw it, I wasn’t sure if it was a male or a female, but after doing some research, I found out that Chris Crocker is a wannabe actor who’s so gay that you could light a cigarette off of him—not that there’s anything wrong with that. There is, however, something incredibly irritating about a grown man whining and crying about how everyone’s making fun of Britney “after all she’s been through,” even threatening to commit suicide if she ended up dead (as if either of those would’ve been a necessarily bad thing). While a lot of people found Crocker’s bit (there was speculation that he was acting, or at least trying to) to be hilarious, I couldn’t even make it through the thing because it was just so obnoxious. As a result of his stunt, Crocker became the William Hung of 2007 (even snagging a spot on Maury), receiving an obscene amount of attention and fame (albeit a great deal of it was negative). In the end, it seemed as if the whole thing was nothing more than a publicity stunt by yet another talentless hack.
Amy Winehouse
Oh, honestly, come on, now! I just wrote about Britney Spears, and now this? To her credit, where Spears is more of an entertainer by trade, Winehouse can actually sing, and that’s worth a bit of respect. But you’d have to have been blind, deaf and hiding in a cave deep in the Amazon over the past year to not have heard about any of her personal problems.
Over the course of 2006, Winehouse married her wayward boyfriend Blake Fielder-Civil, canceled a shitload of conerts, entered rehab, left rehab five days later, canceled more shows, was rendered bloodied from a physical altercation with Fielder-Civil after doing drugs with a call girl, roamed around outside her London home in December wearing nothing but a bra and blue jeans and reportedly started treatment at the Caribbean home of singer Bryan Adams. Many of her defenders cite the fact that she’s become a star so quickly (in 2007 alone she was nominated for 19 awards and won nine) that she was just too psychologically fragile to handle the sudden amount of fame. I blame Lil Jon.
Bobby Brown fears for his life
In June, while appearing on British television show 24 Hours With…, singer Bobby Brown told host Jamie Campbell that still lives every day in fear that Osama bin Laden will find some way to kill him. Seriously. No, seriously. I can’t make this stuff up, folks.
In 2006, Sudanese writer Kola Boof, who was allegedly one of bin Laden’s “sex slaves”, revealed in her book, Diary of a Lost Girl, that the al-Qaeda mastermind liked watching MacGyver, reading Playboy and had an unheathy obsession with Brown’s then-wife Whitney Houston.
A passage from the book reads:
[Osama bin Laden] said that he had a paramount desire for Whitney Houston, and although he claimed music was evil he spoke of someday spending vast amounts of money to go to America and try to arrange a meeting with the superstar. … Whitney Houston’s name was the one that [he mentioned] constantly. … How beautiful she was, what a nice smile she has, how truly Islamic she is but is just brainwashed by American culture and by her husband Bobby Brown, whom Osama talked about having killed, as if it were normal to have women’s husbands killed.
While everyone else in the world is no doubt laughing hysterically at this—both because it sounds so ludicrously false and also because if it were possibly true it would still be hilarious—Brown admitted that even though he’s been divorced from Houston since last year, he still fears for his life. “Osama bin Laden wanted me dead,” he said. “He was in love with Whitney. He wanted to make her one of his wives. I feared for my life. I’m still on my guard. The most wanted man in the world wants you dead.”
I, for one, would be really flattered. It’s one thing to be a general part of the American infidel or Zionist devil population, but to actually be mentioned by name… one must admit that that’s pretty hardcore.
And that gets me thinking… Why don’t we just drop Bobby Brown into Waziristan—the mountainous region in northwest Pakistan on the Afghanistan border where bin Laden is suspected to be hiding—and just wait for bin Laden to come out to try and kill him? Not only do we catch bin Laden, but maybe Bobby Brown gets hurt or killed in the process. And if he doesn’t get killed, he ends up being a national hero. Knowing the guy’s ego, he’d probably be all for it. Waziristan gets renamed Bobbybrownistan, statues of Bobby Brown get erected all over the world and he even might beat Barack Obama to become the first black president. Hey, it’d still be an improvement over Bush.
Puddle of Mudd singer reminds us that he’s not dead
Puddle of Mudd lead singer Wesley Scantlin has been banned from Graceland after a ridiculous stunt during a recent tour of the estate. The band was touring Elvis Presley’s legendary home in Memphis this past Monday, and Scantlin, being something of douche, stripped down to his boxer shorts and jumped into the pool, much to the shock and disbelief of fellow visitors and staff.
Moments after jumping into the pool, Graceland security guards took Scantlin into custody and ejected him and the rest of the band from the property, where they were told never to come back.
Asked why he did it, Scantlin told reporters, “I just wanted to go for a swim.” Interesting. I’m sure it had nothing to do with the fact that the band’s coming out with new album in a few weeks and wanted to get their heat back after all but dropping off the face of the earth for the past few years. I wonder if Puddle of Mudd plans on touring the Grand Canyon any time soon…
Maroon 5 singer reminds us that he’s had sex with Maria Sharapova
Maroon 5 singer Adam Levine was doing some quick damage control in August after allegedly telling Russian magazine Exile that knockout tennis star Maria Sharapova (whom he met in 2005, at her 18th birthday party) is terrible in the sack. While the magazine still stands by the interview that it conducted with Levine last month, Levine himself is vehemently denying having ever said anything of the sort.
“She wouldn’t make any noise during sex. I can’t tell you how disappointed I was. I really thought, like a lot of guys, that she’d be the loud screaming type. But instead, she just lay there like a dead frog. She even got angry if I started to moan; said it ‘ruined her concentration.’ It was so disillusioning that I went on Paxil for a month afterwards [to prolong ejaculation]. Really, it was much more of a shock than when I found out there’s no such thing as the Easter Bunny.”
But Exile apparently concocted the entire thing, as Levine later told other, less Commie reporters, that it’s “absolutely not true” that he said any of that. Personally, I think he did say it, but didn’t think it would make it out of Russia. It’s regardless whether or not it’s actually true that Sharapova is a “dead frog” in bed, though I’d be willing to bet that that’s not true (seeing as she shrieks and moans every time she hits the damn ball), and that Levine was just mad when she canned his ass after a matter of weeks.
I’d be pissed, too, but even I have my limits. Even the biggest assholes in the world know that it’s uncouth to talk publicly about former lovers’ bedside manners, but remember that Adam Levine has previously dated Paris Hilton, so he’s a scumbag by proxy at the very least. Or maybe it true. Maybe Maria Sharapova really was motionless the whole time, because he happens to be lame in the sack.
I’m probably in the majority of guys who would still totally hit it, even if she is a “dead frog”.
Paula Abdul does interview while annihilated
In an interview with a Seattle morning news program last January, American Idol judge Paula Abdul conducted the interview LIVE via satellite in a very obviously incapicated state, slurring most of her words and swaying around in her seat. After being subsequently lambasted by media after the incident, Abdul decided to try and explain the situation during an appearance the following week on The Tonight Show With Jay Leno. The result was such a terrible excuse that it made her look like an even bigger dolt than before.
According to Abdul, she was actually talking with two different programs at the same time, and the reason why a great deal of her answers didn’t make sense was because her microphone was hooked up to the wrong feed—NOT because she was glaringly drunk. “You’re looking at one camera, and there are 30 cities talking in your ear. … Well, there was a mistake. Alabama was in my ear and so was Seattle at the same time. … They are going, ‘What in the heck? What did she say?’ Not my fault. … I answered the right questions at one of the cities.” She also explained that the reason why she was actually so loopy was because she was just having a good time. Yes, I agree, and I often slur my words beyond intelligibility whenever I’m having a good time. I’m actually doing it right now because I’m having so much fun writing thisk vfn badjncie ifa vvvn.. 5thhfgkt hll
