This is going to be short and dirty, just like my last three relationships:
Match 1: TNA World Tag Titles:
BG James and “Bullet” Bob Armstrong vs. Tomko and AJ Styles
BG and Bob fight valiantly, but despite the little spats the tag champions have been having, they keep it together, and end up finishing BG with the Tornadoplex for the three count. In highlights: Bob takes a Pele! Good for him, 478-year old man taking shots to the head. You show them ungrateful indy boys how a real man does it! Post-match, Kip comes down to check on them and, as far as I know, no one’s dead, but when they regain consciousness and see Kip leaning over them, they wonder if they woke up on The Surreal Life: Washed Up Wrestlers Edition.
Payton Banks vs. Traci Brooks
Traci still has my love for her, “You’re just a dick named Bob” comment. Payton has shown me nothing. The ladies beat on each other for a little while with a few wrestling moves here and there, but, since neither of them has a finisher, Traci beats Payton with a schoolboy/girl. Post-match, Traci tries to rip Payton’s clothes off, as that’s what girls do when they fight on the STREETS.
Match 3: Case vs. Case
Petey Williams vs. Scott Steiner
Was this ever in doubt? While Petey gets some hope spots, Scottie’s power is just too much, and, after lifting Petey up at two a few times, squelches Petey’s attempts at a comeback (including a close two-count following a tornado DDT) with a powerbomb for the case of his choice. Guess they figured out that no one wanted to see Steiner muck up the X Division.
Match 4: Drinking Championship
Eric Young vs. James Storm
Really? Really? Alright…
Actually, fun little match, with Eric hitting a double Death Valley Driver, with Storm laying on Jackie! Still, that only got two, and it looked like the heels were going to prevail…until freakin’ Rhino came out of the crowd and Gored Storm into a small beige putty. Eric gets the academic pinfall after that one
Match 5: TNA Women’s Knockout Title
O.D.B. vs. Awesome Kong
Despite ODB’s popularity, she simply isn’t enough to defeat Awesome Kong. I mean, come on, she’s AWESOME. Now, ODB gets in all of her offense, but due to Kong’s inability to feel pain, and the well-timed interference of Raisha Saeed, Kong Awesome Bombs the crowd favorite, killing her heat, relegating her to the background, and establishing that the only person that can possibly defeat Kong is Gail Kim, thus making it a two-person division.
Match 6: Barbed Wire Massacre 2
Judas Mesias vs. Abyss
I like Abyss. I really, really do. That being said, I would like to see him in a match with a man who isn’t, say, terrible. Obviously, this is very bloody, and there is, just as the name suggests, a whole ton of barbed wire. Mitchell gets involved, everyone gets all cut up, but Abyss manages to eke out a win with a Black Hole Slam on a barbed wire board. Oucharoo.
Match 7: Grudge Match
Robert Roode vs. Booker T
Decent brawl by the two of these guys, although one was born with only the personality of a one-dimensional heel, which is something his parents tried to get him to work on back in Kindertherapy. I’ll let you guess which one. Here’s a hint: he’s crackertastic.
Unfortunately, the ending sucks: a double countout. Boo! That being said, funny bit where Roode runs to his car to escape, and throws Payton Banks OUT of the driver’s seat and peels off. Heh.
Match 8: Street Fight
Motor City Machine Guns and Jay Lethal vs. Team 3D and Johnny Devine
Crazy-ass brawl that seemed to have the purpose of making Lethal a star, as the second half of the match was all him fighting the heels, with the MCMGs being KO’d by a pair of 3Ds. Lethal, however, somehow managed to overcome the odds, getting rid of Devon, taking out Ray with an enzuigiri, and annihilating Devine with a street sign, then following that up by dropping an elbow on the hapless Canadian through a table for the pin. Well, Petey, look on the bright side about your loss earlier: there’s still an X Division to mess around in.
Match 9: TNA World Championship
Christian Cage vs. Kurt Angle [Special Guest Ring Enforcer: Samoa Joe]
Typical good stuff from these guys, with a number of near falls and moments when it seemed like it was all over. Joe enforced his little heart out, getting a meddling Karen Angle out of the way, as well as stopping AJ Styles mid-springboard. However, when AJ and Joe brawled out of the building, one Mr. Tomko came down to the ring…and, naturally, turned on Cage, dropping him on his head with a DVD and giving Angle the pinfall. No title change, But now we get rid of that nasty bit of character and personality that Tomko had as his own man. Although it should be noted that Angle was as surprised as anyone to see Tomko take out Cage.
That’s the end of the show. Thank you, Cleveland; good night!