Resolved: Nicole Kidman should stop making movies.
I think it’s time that we, the people of the world, start an open and honest discussion regarding the need, practicality and desirability of one Nicole Kidman.
On the surface of things, she is a huge movie star. She is a respected and honored actress. She has won an Oscar and was nominated for another. She’s won a BAFTA, a Blockbuster award, 3 Golden Globes, and so on.
Without Kidman, we wouldn’t have anybody left to play female psychiatrists!
BUT if we were to look at her filmography, I think we’d find that the world would be much better off without her. We’ll go backwards on her IMDB page, skipping the unreleased stuff. Let’s look at the quality of the films themselves, and not Kidman’s mannequin-like performances. I’ll skip the minor roles, minor films, and whatever else I damn well please.
I can do that thing.
1. The Golden Compass – This is a movie released in order to cash in on the Young Adult Fantasy Novel film adaptation market. Like most other Americans, I haven’t bothered to see it.
2. Margot at the Wedding – This thing, wherein Noah Baumbach shows the world that his growth as an artist stopped at The Squid and the Whale, is a jumble of half-assed ideas assembled into what can loosely be called a film. When Jennifer Jason Leigh plays the most likable and human character in a film, you know that you are in trouble. Rubbish.
3. The Invasion – a horrifyingly inadequate and insulting version of a story which has previously afforded us 3 good movies. There is no excuse for this movie.
4. Happy Feet – The only thing that hates penguins more than me is god. Effing penguins. I’m going to keep my car idling until all their lot is homeless. (Of course, I understand that most penguins don’t live in the Antarctic, and Al Gore is a fucking idiot.)
5. Bewitched – It’s Nora Ephron, it’s based on a sitcom, and the plot revolves around accidentally casting a real witch to play a witch on TV. It kinda reminds me of that torture scene in The Serpent and the Rainbow. (I don’t want to spoil it, but it involves a scrotum and a nail. )
6. Fur: An Imaginary Portrait of Diane Arbus – This movie has, quite possibly, the silliest title of any non-Die Hard film. Therefore, I refuse to see it.
7. The Interpreter – It’s estimated budget is $80 million. It managed to rake in $70 million at the box office. I’ve never seen it, but I’ve never heard anybody say good things about it. I like to pretend that Tootsie was Sydney Pollack’s last movie.
8. Birth – Birth is on the short list of the worst films that I have ever seen. The physics of The Core make more sense than this flick. Never before has the word “retarded” best summed up a film-going experience. I like this director’s non-Kidman film, Sexy Beast.
9. The Stepford Wives – Another crappy remake. . . For those who like analogies: Jeff Goldblum: Superior remake :: Nicole Kidman: Inferior remake.
10. Cold Mountain – The director of the English Patient decides to torture audiences once again. I remember there being a sadistic albino. I also remember that Nicole Kidman fought a chicken, whined about missing some fella she barely knew, and then shot that fella accidently. Did I mention that it is awful? It really sucks.
11. The Human Stain – The only thing anybody remember about this movie is that it contends that Anthony Hopkins is secretly black. If you can believe that, you might be able to buy Kidman as a human being. I also have some comic books for you that are sure to increase in value.
12. The Others – This movie is on the better end of the “Wasn’t the Sixth Sense neat?” school of horror. That’s some faint praise, indeed. Unfortunately, the goings-on of the film are significantly overshadowed the film-makers’ fascination with CGI fog. It’s all they seem to talk about on the multitude of DVD extras. I’m pretty sure they spent 10 million dollars on something I could’ve done with 50 dollars and a trip to Spencer gifts.
13. Moulin Rouge – I wrote a whole column on how annoying and abrasive this god-forsaken clinic on how to be garish truly is. The IP PJ wordpress conversion hampers my ability to link to it. In this case, the two words that best sum up this film are “deep hurting”.
14. Eyes Wide Shut – Ah, remember Kubrick’s failed attempt to make a high class porn? Tom Cruise provides a laughable performance, and (the then) Mrs. Tom Cruise is about as sexy as a coupon to JC Penney’s. Although, unlike fashion at Penney’s, Kidman never comes to life. Still, it’s probably better than that other last film of Kubrick’s. (Read as: AI also sucks, but has no titties.)
15. Practical Magic – This is another movie where Kidman plays a witch. No man has ever voluntarily seen this film. The general consensus seems to be that “Practical Magic is no While You Were Sleeping.” This is the sort of movie that should be released direct to WGN Sunday Matinee.
16. The Peacemaker – This is another forgettable action movie that made about 10 million dollars less than it cost. It was made by the director of Pay It Forward; that’s enough to scare me away.
17. Batman Forever – ’nuff said.
I could continue all the way to BMX Bandits, but Batman Forever is my trump. Nobody involved in the creation of Batman Forever can subsequently justify having steady work in the medium of film. This is except for Tommy Lee Jones, who really should’ve known better, and Jon Favreau who couldn’t yet have known better. No one else gets a pass.
Not Mike Amorelli, the assistant chief lighting technician, second unit.
Not Richard Castro the Payroll accountant.
Not even Michael Randolf credited with craft service.
More like CRAP SERVICE.
DAMN YOU MICHAEL RANDOLF!
Outro
Read Outboxed
