Summer’s here and the time is ri-ee-ight for Crack-ing in the street. They’re Crack-ing in Chicaaaaaaaaago. In New Orleans. Can’t forget the Motor City! All we need is wrestling, swee-eet wrestling. They’ll be wrestling everywhere. They’ll be chopping and slamming, and women dancing. Crack-ing in the streets. Let’s get right to the aaaaaaaaaaac-tion.
Smackdown is NOT live from Fresno State University and we start things immediately with Smackdown GM Vickie Guerrero in the ring, with the typical “contract signing†set up. Table, red carpeting etc. And don’t forget the contracts, pinned to clipboards! Vickie welcomes everyone to Smackdown. The crowd booed, gotta love that. Who’d want to go to Smackdown, right? Vickie welcomed the challenger for the World Title at Night of Champions, the Animal Batista. He cued his music to the expected big reaction. Batista took the microphone. Oh boy. Vickie invited Batista to have a seat but he didn’t want one. Vickie looks forward to Night of Champions because Batista will be facing the greatest World Champ ever, Edge. Edge already signed the contract, and as GM, Vickie did the same. If Batista signs, it will be official. Vickie says Batista’s agent went over the contract, but she added an amendment stating Batista has to beat Great Khali to do it. Batista signed after some angry comments. For once, a contract signing scenario doesn’t end in someone going through the table. Batista’s quick signing of the contract made him unaware of the 2nd amendment, which states that if Batista loses tonight, he will be banned from the WWE. Batista reacted in anger. Let’s go Khali!
Back from break, Finlay cued Hornswoggle’s music. Finlay tossed some treats to the crowd. Apparently these two are challenging for the WWE Tag Titles at Night of Champions. John Morrison cued his music and came to the ring as the opponent tonight.
Match #1: Finlay vs. WWE Tag Team Champion John Morrison
One of the Fresno-ites had a sign saying Kobe for President. I can’t see how that works, because if Bill Clinton got impeached for having an affair, then Kobe’s rape shtick probably wouldn’t go over well either. Finlay and Morrison locked up. Finlay slapped the tag champ and delivered a short arm clothesline. He applied a scoop slam for one, but Nitro rolled out of the ring to recover. Finlay followed but Morrison tripped him on the ring apron. He then hit a leaping baseball slide kick. The former ECW champion tossed Finlay back into the ring, but he rolled out again. Morrison leapt out but Finlay crotched him on the ring curtain. Miz tried to interfere but apparently missed his target. Finlay threw Hornswoggle into his Miz-section. That was a bad pun, I know. Back in the ring Finlay dropped an elbow. Morrison whipped Finlay in but ran into a boot. The tag champ recovered with a AJ Styles-like Pele kick. Morrison put the boots to Finlay for a one count. He applied a form of the Million Dollar Dream but Finlay hit a jawbreaker. Morrison followed with a neckbreaker for one and reapplied the hold. Finlay fired up with some clotheslines, an atomic drop and a dropkick for two. Mick Foley, remembering further back than the average WWE employee, recalled his Royal Rumble qualifier match where he teamed with Hornswoggle. Miz pulled Hornswoggle out from under the ring, distracting Finlay and allowing his tag team partner to roll Finlay up for the three count.
Your winner, by pinfall, John Morrison. Decent little match, as most Smackdown openers are. It doesn’t succeed in making me want to see the Irish team win the tag titles, however. Five minutes, twenty three seconds.
They showed a memory of Batista from the 2005 Royal Rumble, where he eliminated Snitsky, Chris Jericho and John Cena (minus the confusing ending) to win the match.
Backstage, Edge said he wants Batista to win because Smackdown would suffer a huge loss if he left. He wants to beat Batista again, and he is airing the tributes to Batista just like he did the Undertaker. CM Punk walked into the shot and warned Edge that maybe he’ll cash in his Money in the Bank shot during Edge’s wedding.
Back in the arena, Mark Henry cued his music. Henry wants the next ECW title shot “Earlier today,†Mark Henry said he will make Big Show have two black eyes. Tommy Dreamer cued his music, to which Mark Henry laughed.
Match #2: Mark Henry vs. Tommy Dreamer
Henry laughed again as he overpowered Dreamer. The former ECW champ took the advantage with punches, but was quickly met with an elbow. Henry stood on Dreamer’s chest. The World’s Strongest Man slammed Henry to the ground. Henry delivered a headbutt and whipped his opponent hard into the corner. Henry ran into a boot and Dreamer hit him with lefts and rights. Dreamer went for the DDT, but Henry hit the World’s Strongest Slam for the win.
Your winner, by pinfall, Mark Henry. You know, I want to feel bad for Tommy Dreamer, being that he deserves better for all the work he does, but he seems to enjoy jobbing, so if he’s doing what he loves best, I can’t feel bad for him. Two minutes, thirty seconds.
Backstage, Vickie and some girl were reading a magazine. Vickie said it was their wedding planner. Both Edge and MVP walked into her office and had something to ask of her. MVP wants to renegotiate his contract, but Vickie wants a favor from him. She wants MVP to take care of CM Punk tonight. MVP agrees. I liked this, is was simple, to the point, and most of all, it made sense.
Back from break, Maryse cued her ridiculous techno music. Afterwards, Cherry cued her ridiculous ‘50’s music. This should be painful.
Match #3: Maryse vs. Cherry
Cherry actually took down Maryse with a Lou Thesz press a couple times and punched her out. Cherry scraped Maryse’s face against the mat. Cherry hit a clothesline but Maryse took her down with a kick to the leg. She hit a legdrop and applied a “French cravat†in Mick Foley’s words. Cherry battled outbut Maryse sent her into the corner. Cherry went for a bulldog but Maryse slipped out and rolled her up for a one count. Cherry countered a move and hit a single arm DDT for the win.
Your winner, by pinfall, Cherry! Wasn’t as bad as I had expected, which is always a nice surprise. Cherry’s starting to improve, but Maryse is still pretty rotten. As a heel, she needs to do more than apply a long, weak resthold to get over as such. Two minutes, forty five seconds.
Back from the arena, MVP cued his music for his match with CM Punk. This match will be money on pay per view someday, mark my words. CM Punk cued his music to a rousing ovation.
Match #4: MVP vs. CM Punk
MVP and Punk felt each other out for awhile. Not THAT way, though. MVP tried to counter out of a body hold several times but was unsuccessful. Punk pinned him for a two count. Punk applied a ground headlock. MVP rolled him up for a two count. MVP applied a “French cravat†of his own and followed with a ground headlock. Punk countered into a headlock with his legs. MVP countered out as well, and passed on an STF in favor of a headlock. Punk hit a spinning kick for two and went back for the headlock. MVP worked over the lower back of CM Punk. MVP suplexed Punk as Cole reminded us that Punk has suffered a lot of stress to his back in recent matches with Kane and John Morrison. MVP tried to roll out of an armlock but Punk rolled with him to keep it applied. Nice, never seen that before myself. MVP scored some kicks for a two count. MVP applied a Fujiwura armbar. MVP and Punk traded some forearms but MVP took advantage with a headbutt and a huge right for two. The former US champ continued working Punk’s left arm. Punk got out with a snapmare and pinned MVP for a two. He dropkicked MVP in the back of the head for two. Punk took him down with a hiptoss for two. Punk applied a leg scissors. MVP escaped it but missed the elbow drop. Punk tried to knot up MVP’s hamstring, then hit a neckbreaker for one. MVP hit an elbow to Punk’s forehead. Punk charged MVP in the corner but ran into the ringpost. MVP shot him into the same post three times more, but wasn’t disqualified. Back from break, MVP had another two count. He applied another Fujiwura armbar. Punk pinned MVP with a rollup but MVP came back with a DDT to the arm. Vickie’s hitman applied yet another armbar but Punk wouldn’t quit. Punk escaped with knees to the gut but MVP kicked him in the bad arm. MVP got a two count out of the matter, then called for the high boot. Punk saw it and hit a clothesline instead. Punk hit a Mr. Wrestling II knee lift for two. Mr. MITB roundhouse kicked MVP for two, then hit some Trish Stratus Chick Kicks for another two. MVP blocked the high knee in the corner, but Punk applied a hurricurana for two. CM Punk went to the top rope but MVP dropkicked the top rope to crotch him. They fought each other on the top rope until Punk hit a headbutt to win the exchange. He came off with an elbow, but MVP got his knees up and hit MVP right in the injured arm. MVP took off a turnbuckle cover, but the ref saw it. MVP went for the MITB briefcase, but Punk hit the high knee into the case, into MVP’s head. The ref turned around and saw it, disqualifying Punk.
Your winner, by disqualification, MVP! Good, strong match that was given a long time. That’s rare on WWE TV. Despite the inconsistencies Little Naitch applied to weapons usage, this is a match to go out of your way to see. It’s a study in counters and focusing on an “injured†body part. I award it my Stamp of Approval. Fifteen minutes, twenty seven seconds of what was shown.
Punk tried to explain what happened as Cole tried to claim that MVP introduced the briefcase to the match. Uh, no. It’s Punk’s property and he carries it everywhere with him.
Back from break, Chavo Guerrero and Bam Neely were in the ring. Chavo will be Edge’s best man when he marries Aunt Vickie. At Night of Champions, Chavo will face Matt Hardy for the US Title. Hardy, Cole and Foley were shocked. However, within a minute, Cole was shilling the match for the PPV. Chavo exited the ring and Chuck Palumbo rode to the ring.
Match #5: US Champ Matt Hardy vs. Chuck Palumbo – non title
I can’t get over how silly the Slash-esque top hat looks on Palumbo. Cole reminded us that Palumbo builds motorcycles because the audience is growing every week. Oh, that explains why ratings are down, right? Foley called it useless trivia and made fun of Cole by claiming he is making a clay pot for Batista. Hardy and Palumbo hit each other with a shoulderblock, but neither man went down. Hardy applied a Masterlock and body scissors but Chuck escaped. Palumbo ran into a back elbow, but he booted the US champ out of the ring. Palumbo suplexed Hardy for two and kicked him in the back several times. Palumbo applied a rear chinlock. He followed with a clothesline for two. Chuck reapplied the chinlock but Hardy powered him into the corner. Palumbo went to the middle rope but missed the Bubba Ray Dudley senton. Hardy ran into a boot but Palumbo escaped the Twist of Fate. Hardy hit the Side Effect for one. He hit a middle rope elbow and the Twist of Fate for the win.
Your winner, by pinfall, Matt Hardy! Chavo announced Hardy as the winner, but as the loser at Night of Champions. I’m not big on Palumbo, most of you Crack-heads know this, but that was a decent battle. Hardy picks up a win and looks strong going into an apparent feud with Chavo Guerrero. Match was shorter than I had expected though. Three minutes, twenty seven seconds.
They aired a Batista highlight from the World Title match against Triple H at Wrestlemania 21.
Back from break, what’s-her-name interviewed Vladimir Kozlov. Apparently he understands English, but can’t speak it. Except for the words “thank you.†Whatever.
They aired a highlight from Survivor Series 2006 from the World Title match between Batista and TNA’s Booker T. A million WWE fans have to be wondering whatever happened to Booker T?
Back in the arena, Jesse and Festus made their way to the ring. Their opponents, as it always seems to be, are Deuce and Domino.
Match #6: Jesse/Festus vs. Deuce/Domino
The bell rang and Festus went off. Jesse and Deuce started things off. Deuce applied a snapmare but Jesse dropkicke him in the knee and head. He hit a senton for two. Jesse ran into a boot but hit a Lou Thesz press. Domino tried to interfere but that didn’t go well. Deuce dropkicked Jesse and front suplexed him over the ropes. Domino came in and threw his shirt at Festus. He leg dropped Jesse, who was busted open somehow. They tried to double team Jesse but he nearly escaped. Domino tagged back in and worked him over, but Jesse made the tag. Festus threw Domino off the top rope. He hit his signature moves, like the Mike Awesome shoulderblock, a Kane uppercut, the Albert kick and the Lou Thesz press for the win.
Your winners, by pinfall, Jesse and Festus! As quickly as this match moved, I get the sense that they tried to cram an eight minute match into four minutes. Fast, fast, fast paced, almost no time for the audience to recover and react between moves. Three minutes, fifty nine seconds.
Deuce and Domino yelled at each other after the match. Domino tried to punch Deuce, but missed, so he punched him again. They scuffled for awhile until Domino left. Hopefully this break up is better than the Cade-Murdoch silliness on RAW.
Another Batista highlight aired, when Khali knocked Batista out with the Vicegrip last September. That was my favorite.
Back from break, it’s main event time. Batista cued his music to a notably smaller reaction than the beginning of the night. Khali cued his music after Batista had the time to pose on all four corners.
Match #7: Batista vs. The Great Khali – If Batista wins, he earns a title shot at Night of Champions. If Batista loses, he’s banished from the WWE.
Edge wheeled Vickie out to watch the match as Batista hit some shoulderblocks. Khali hit a punch and chop. Batista retook the momentum with a shoulderblock, but ran into a large boot. Khali head butted Batista on the ring apron, sending the Animal straight down to the floor. That’s about as impressive a bump I’ve ever seen him take. Khali went outside, and threw his foe back in the ring. He covered Batista with one foot, but he kicked out. Khali slammed Batista and delivered a leg drop. Khali hit some Kevin Nash elbows and stomped away. Batista reversed and hit a few shoulderblocks. Batista went to the top rope, but Khali caught him with the Boogeyman Bomb. He only got a two count from it. Khali applied the Tongan Death Grip but Batista got away. However, Khali hit a clothesline. He called for the CHOP OF DOOM but Batista blocked it. Khali went for it again but Batista hit the Spear for the win.
Your winner, by pinfall, Batista! The length of the match kept if from overstaying its welcome. Any wrestling fan knows that Khali can’t wrestle, and some know Batista isn’t much better, and when they’re paired up, the result won’t be pretty. However, a five minute match isn’t really long enough for these things to become too apparent. I was surprised Batista won with the Spear, I figured the Spinebuster would be a more credible finish against a big man like Khali. Batista vs. Edge is on for Night of Champions. Five minutes, thirteen seconds.
Favorite match: MVP vs. CM Punk. As a fan of all out wrestling, this match was a treat to watch. It was allowed to go for a long time in WWE terms, and satisfied during that time. Go out of your way to locate this match and watch it. It’s definitely going to be part of my top matches of the year list.
Least favorite match: This was a difficult choice because there wasn’t anything especially bad. Hornswoggle’s antics were kept to a minimum, Maryse and Cherry were better than expected and there was no Kozlov squashes. There was, however, Mark Henry vs. Tommy Dreamer. This was only bad because we didn’t hear at all from either Kane or Big Show, the men Henry’s been feuding with.
The school year is finally over, which means that one can expect me to be a little more consistent in my delivery of the Crackdown to you, the reader. As always, hope you enjoyed and keep your teeth clean!
