Hello again Crack-heads! After some weeks of vacation time, and Glazer not filling in for me one week, the Crackdown is finally back where it belongs. Last week, Edge and Vickie Guerrero got married just fine, but things turned to crap in the reception thanks to Triple H unmasking Edge’s attraction to beautiful women. Will The Game unearth any more SHOCKING information this week?? I’m hoping he finds out that Edge drives a car this week, or maybe that Edge is Canadian.
Smackdown is NOT live from the heart of ECW country, Phildelphia as the voice of good ol’ JR welcomed us to Smackdown. Vickie will be here later, but we’re starting the night off with MVP hosting the VIP Lounge. MVP’s guest this time around is arguably the most controversial guest ever. His name causes both men and women to scream like little kids. Some know him as the Charismatic Enigma, but we do as Jeff Hardy. MVP welcomed Hardy to Smackdown, this being his debut on the blue brand after the draft. They talked about Jeff’s suspensions, and if he’s ever suspended again, he’ll be released. Jeff promised he wouldn’t be suspended again and shoved MVP out of the ring. MVP just can’t get along with the Hardys, can he?
Back from break, the main event of a six man battle royal for a title shot at Summerslam was announced. Afterwards, Shelton Benjamin, the new US Champion, cued his music. He took the mic, but for some reason the sound went out on my TV feed. His opponent is another man making his return from suspension, Jimmy Wang Yang.
Match #1: US champ Shelton Benjamin vs. Jimmy Wang Yang – non title
Shelton took Yang down with a suplex and dropped knees on his head. The champ applied a neck crank briefly. Yang came back with an enziguri and some body shots. Yang scored with a hurricurana for two and whipped Shelton into the corner. Shelton caught him though and whammed him into the corner. Both men avoided spinning kicks but Shelton hit his floppy DDT move for the win.
Your winner, by pinfall, the US Champ, Shelton Benjamin! Good, short match. I’m looking forward to seeing how the new push goes for Shelton as a secondary champion once more.
Edge and his Heads talked about something backstage, but my sound is still out.
Back from break, the Heads made their way out to the ring. Two matches so far and both times the champions come out first. That just irks me to no end. Their opponents on this night are Jesse and Festus.
Match #2: WWE Tag Team Champions The Edgeheads vs. Jesse/Festus – non title
Festus started things out, but this time the Edgehead held the advantage for awhile. Festus came back with punishing rights and a butt bump. Jesse knocked out the other Head outside the ring. Festus hit Test’s old finisher for a quick win.
Your winners, by pinfall, Jesse and Festus! Didn’t think it’d be that short, but it would certainly suggest that Jesse and Festus are going to get a title shot soon.
After the match, maybe for the first time ever, they figured out to attack Festus in his stoic state, hitting the Edge-cution DDT before leaving the ring.
Back from break, Edge was talking to the hot wedding planner and Bam Neely was around the corner listening. He ran away amusingly.
In the arena, the great Stevie Richards cued his music. His opponent is Vladimir Kozlov, who now has a Titantron video and probably a theme song.
Match #3: Stevie Richards vs. Vladmir Kozlov
Kozlov took Stevie down with a big knee. Richards went for a rollup but Vlad was too strong. Stevie scored some blows and hit a cross body for two. Stevie hit some body kicks but Koz came back with the Mike Awesome overhead belly to belly suplex. The big man locked on a front facelock and made a suplex out of it. He applied an armbar but Stevie refused to give up. Stevie kicked Kozlov off and pulled the ropes out of the way so Kozlov fell to the outside. Stevie hit a dropkick for two. Kozlov went for the Brock Lesnar corner shoulderblock but Stevie got his knee up. Stevie went for a tornado DDT but Kozlov threw him off and hit the headbutt for the win.
Your winner, by pinfall, Vladimir Kozlov! I really enjoy Vladimir Kozlov matches because he’s not the totally destructive dominant force that most debuting wrestlers are. He can have good competitive matches, and this one was probably his biggest victory to date, defeating a multiple time ECW tag champ and WWE hardcore champion.
Back from break, Mr. Kennedy cued his music. Is it time for the battle royal already? Kennedy had something to say, but for some reason the TV company still hasn’t fixed the sound. Great Khali made his way out to the ring and lookee here, it’s Runjin Singh, Khali’s old manager. MVP hit the button for his music and made his full ring entrance, inflato-house, pyro and all. Umaga had someone cue his music for him. Jeff Hardy danced onto the stage and set off his pyro as well. Then came the final entrant, the former WWE/WCW/ECW champion the Big Show, who’s apparently a full speed ahead baby face now.
Match #4: Mr. Kennedy vs. The Great Khali vs. MVP vs. Umaga vs. Jeff Hardy vs. The Big Show – The Biggest Block Party of the Summer Battle Royal – Winner faces Triple H for the WWE Title at Summerslam
Khali hit the CHOP OF DOOM on MVP and Show hit a sideslam on Umaga. Khali and Show faced off for awhile, drawing to mind memories of that awful feud until Umaga hit a super kick on Khali, taking the big man down.
Back from break, Jeff Hardy went for the Whisper in the Wind, but missed his target. Nobody has been eliminated yet. MVP almost dumped Jeff out, but Hardy fought his way back in. Big Show gave Umaga a headbutt, which hurt the Samoan somehow. Jeff Hardy dumped MVP out of the ring, and Umaga nearly tossed Hardy. Umaga and Big Show traded light offense until Show clotheslined Umaga out to eliminate him. Show put the Cobra Clutch on Hardy and threw him like a rag doll. Show muscled Kennedy out to eliminate him. Khali gave Show the CHOP OF DOOM. He called for the Chokebomb but Show fought out of it and delivered a Chokeslam. Umaga came back in the ring and delivered the Samoan Spike to Show. Hardy went for a senton but Show caught him and tried to powerbomb Hardy to the outside, but Hardy’s leg strength must be phenomenal because he headscissor Show out no problem. Hardy hit the Swanton Bomb on a downed Khali. Khali came back with a CHOP OF DOOM and tossed Hardy over to win the title shot.
Your winner, by eliminating Jeff Hardy, The Great Khali! Triple H vs. Great Khali feud? Save_Me.222!
After the match, H came out onstage to stare at Khali. He went down to the ring and went nose to nose with the big man. Naturally, Khali blinked first and backed down. Ugh.
Ron Killings is coming to Smackdown. And since he’s black, he’s gonna be a poor ol’ ghetto boy with jail time under his belt, living his dream in the WWE. Oh, and he’s got a ridiculous name of R-Truth. Not as bad as K-Kwik or K-Krush, but still.
Once again, the champion came to the ring first as the new Smackdown Women’s champion Michelle McCool headed to the ring. Her opponent is similarly inept Maryse.
Match #5: Women’s Champion Michelle McCool vs. Maryse – non title
Michelle whipped ass until Maryse threw her out of the ring and whipped her into the ring apron. Somehow Michelle applied the heel hook out of a rollup attempt for the quick win.
Your winner, by submission, Michelle McCool. This show is all about making the new champions look good coming out of the Bash. Even if they’re not good enough to come out after the challengers.
Backstage, Chavo and Vickie arrived, meeting with Bam Neely.
Back from break, Edge and Bam talked about something.
In the arena, Brian Kendrick and his new bodyguard made their way to the ring. Kendrick had something to say, but again, I have no idea what. His opponent is Shannon Moore. If there was a cruiserweight title these days, this would be an awesome match for it.
Match #6: Brian Kendrick vs. Shannon Moore
Kendrick was vicious with knees and kicks to Moore. Brian’s bodyguard, a big African-American guy looked on confusedly at ringside. Kendrick went up top but missed a knee drop. Moore hit an atomic drop and a legdrop. Kendrick came back, smashing Moore against the ringpost and hitting the Sliced Bread #2 for the victory.
Your winner, by pinfall, Brian Kendrick! It’s an exciting time to be a Smackdown fan, as wrestlers Internet fans have been begging WWE to push are getting just that. Between Kendrick, Shelton Benjamin and the many young guys over on RAW, it’s an interesting kind of transition.
Back from break, Edge came out and had something to say, but with no sound, I can just save us all a bunch of reading and say stuff happened. My best guess is Edge tried apologizing but Vickie didn’t have any of it. From reading spoilers of this show, I know that Vickie reinstated the Undertaker here and booked Edge vs. The Deadman in a Hell in a Cell match at Summerslam.
Favorite match: Stevie Richards vs. Vladimir Kozlov. I enjoyed this match, as I do a lot of Kozlov’s work so far, and with this week having very little to offer in terms of wrestling, it takes my vote for this award.
Least favorite match: The Battle Royal, just for the fact that the worst wrestler involved won the thing, and gets a title shot against Triple H at the second biggest pay per view of the year out of it.
Hope you enjoyed the column, my friends, and remember to keep your teeth clean!
