Good God do I hate you TNA.
Some guys who aren’t Ice-T come out and rap. The fans don’t care. I don’t care. You don’t care (trust me). Next.
Match 1: X Division Title Match: Petey Williams (C) w/ Rhaka Khan vs. Consequences Creed
A sloppy match that was very choreographed with a lot of small botches by Creed. It lasts ages until Daivari hits Creed with a chair. Creed then takes the Canadian Destroyer and loses.
Williams defeats Creed (Pin, Canadian Destroyer, *1/2)
No selling, no flow and plenty of botches.
Post match Daivari has a new name and cuts an anti-America promo.
Joe and Nash cut promos backstage. Nash promises to take care of Sting.
Match 2: Beautiful People and Awesome Kong vs. ODB, Gail Kim, and Taylor Wilde
A fairly good back and forth match built around the women’s different personalities. Kim is really good and Taylor is workable. The BP have their character down cold, as does ODB. This worked out fairly well for a throwaway. Taylor got the sudden pin.
Taylor, Kim, and ODB defeat the Beautiful People and Awesome Kong (Pin, ** 1/2)
A promo backstage establishes that Brother Ray is scared of heights. I wonder if that’s foreshadowing.
Match 3: Tag Title Match: Beer Money vs. Homicide and Hernandez (c)
Tag formula with a long face control period until beer is spit in Cide’s face and hes worked over. Hernandez makes the hot tag and destroys everyone until the numbers game evens things up. Cide is eventually back and that leads to a series of Cide near-falls. Cide’s eye selling is really good. Cide is border tossed to the floor on the heels in an awesome spot. A bruhaha on the floor ensues and Homicide goes for the Gringo Killer. He’s hit with a beer bottle and loses.
Beer Money defeat LAX (Pin, Beer shot, ** 1/2)
Tag formula works and hopefully Beer Money can draw some heat off of this.
Nash and Sting interact backstage. Nothing is resolved but Sting will do SOMETHING tonight. Yay something.
Match 4: Black Tie Brawl and Chain match: Sonjay Dutt vs. Jay Lethal
No rules, both are in tuxes. Not that there are rules in normal TNA matches. Oh wow it’s a chain match where you win by pinning or stripping your opponent.
All I have to say about this match is that they have chain’s on their wrists and they’re trying to take off tuxedo shirts. That works as well as you’d expect. The crowd turns on this badly. Fire Russe chant. Ages later..
Jay Lethal defeats Sonjay (Pin, Flying Elbow, Dud)
Nothing was resolved. Val got annoyed and left mid-match. Worst Angle of the Year and it just won’t end.
Booker cuts a promo about respect and proving he’s champ… even though he isn’t. He ends the promo by drinking wine… before a title match.
Match 5: Street Fight: Team 3-D vs. Christian Cage and Rhino
They brawl all over, then in the ring with weapons. Everyone knows their role in this type of match so it’s held together well. I just realized Ray has been in a ton of ladder matches so being scared of heights is stupid. Oh well, doesn’t matter anyway as it never came up in the match. Rhino wins with a gore into the table.
Rhino and Christian defeat Team 3-D (Pin, Gore, ***)
Perfectly acceptable brawl. This was hurt by there being no real point to it.
Johnny Devine comes out to attack post match. Abyss saves. That was nice of the maniac.
AJ cuts an awkward promo. Apparently Kurt can’t stop him, even though Angle is a better wrestler.
Match 6: Last Man Standing: Kurt Angle vs. AJ Styles
Can this save the show?
The Memphis stall starts this off and leads to Kurt beating on AJ without an early-face shine period. About 2 minutes in Kurt gets the chin lock. Angle matches have such poor structure.
AJ comes back and Kurt takes a silly bump over the top to the floor. AJ dives after as Don West notes that this is almost like a fight to AJ. Thanks Don. AJ is in control and intelligently uses hard strikes and throws Angle into things to keep ahead of the accomplished mat wrestler.
Angle again heel’s his way into control, begging off and throwing AJ to the floor. Angle is in control and northern lights suplexes AJ into the guardrail. Well, Kurt is attacking after using heel tactics to control, while AJ is trying to counter with strikes and athleticism. Let’s see how this plays out.
AJ’s back is hurt, but he regains control momentarily anyway. Angle throws AJ off the stage then flips off the stage at AJ (!!!). Kurt is vicious tonight. He brings Styles back to the ring with a backbreaker before going back to the chinlock.
Hope spots happen and Angle controls some more. Eventually they do a double knockout.
AJ is up and controls finally. Apparently his back is okay because he locks in the torture rack. Angle manages an Ankle Lock, but AJ knocks him off. AJ goes up top, but is caught with a powerbomb. Angle tries the Styles Clash, but AJ counters to an Ankle Lock.
Angle taps out after a bit. Why wouldn’t he do that immediately so he could minimize damage and have a 10 count to recover? Angle gets up naturally, limping and hits a low blow to regain control.
Angle hits a bunch of German Suplexes for a near fall, but is soon after hit with a Pelle. AJ goes up and is caught with the top rope German suplex for another near fall. Why is AJ not staying down to get the 10 count to recover? These guys strategy sucks, which is a shame, because the match is great.
An Angle Slam finally gets three on AJ. AJ doesn’t stay down and immediately reverses another Angle Slam into a Styles Clash for three. 10 count again.
Angle gets up. AJ takes him to the top and both stand there. Kurt is DDTed with both standingon the top. Pin and 10 count again. AJ wins.
AJ defeats Kurt Angle (Pin, Top Rope DDT, **** 1/4)
Good selling, logical story. The poor handling of the rules hurt, but everything else was top notch. Kurt taking these spots with a broken neck is absolutely and unequivocally insane.
Angle is doing a stretcher job, but starts to get up on his own. AJ returns to put him down again and the announcers act shocked.
Sting shows up to give AJ the Scorpion Death Drop. Nash comes out to look at Sting like he’s crazy. The dude’s a heel. It’s not that complex, Kevin.
Match 7: World Title Weapons in a Cage Match: Samoa Joe (c) vs. Booker T w/ Sharmell
My prediction is Sting beats on Joe, Nash comes out to beat on Joe, then Jarrett comes out to be on Joe. The match finally started by the way.
Joe delivers an ass-whupping with weapons, picking up where he left off at last month’s PPV. Booker can’t keep control for more than a moment. Joe’s badass.
Booker gets a Van Daminator and a chair shot. Joe is bloodied quickly and finally takes a beating before catching a climbing Booker with a top rope Diamond Cutter. Joe is back in control for a bit, but Booker suddenly gets a guillotine choke. A Van Daminator with a trash can lid continues Booker’s beating.
Booker’s attacks are smart. Cutting off the air of a groggy man losing blood is smart. Joe is too physically dominant for Booker at full strength so Booker tries to weaken him.
Booker kicks Joe off the top rope as both climb, but crotches himself in the process. Joe, the stronger man, is up first and beats the piss out of Booker some more.
Joe goes for a Muscle Buster on the chair, but multiple counters lead to a Bookend on the chair. That gets a near fall. Axe kick as the lights go out. Joe has a guitar. He hits Booker with it. That’s it. WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT!
Joe defeats Booker (Pin, Guitar Shot, **)
Why would a guitar shot in a match with multiple weapon shots finish? What the fuck did that have to do with anything? Good god that was terrible.
I’d like to send a big fuck you and die to all of the Pulse Wrestling writers who refused to write about this (even for free), leading to me being forced to. I’m far less logical now than I was when this began by osmosis and I hate you all. See you next week for ROH Weekly, wherein I attempt to regain my sanity.
