The SmarK 24/7 Rant for WWF PrimeTime Wrestling – September 1 1991
– Keeping with the Flair theme for the month, this is Flair’s WWF debut in 1991…
– Your hosts are Sean Mooney & Bobby Heenan, who is all worked up and harassing employees backstage to make sure everything is perfect. Bobby Heenan carrying the Big Gold Belt around on a WWF TV program remains a surreal sight even today. The bizarre atmosphere with the live audience of uber-marks makes it seem like a cross between the original version of the show and Tuesday Night Titans.
Col. Mustafa v. Ricky Steamboat
Mustafa attacks to start, but Dragon throws chops and clotheslines him to send him to the floor. The repackaging with Mustafa remains one of the all-time mysteries to me, because who is stupid enough to not know it’s Iron Sheik? They didn’t even give him a new facial look, they just changed his outfit. Dragon pounds away in the corner, but he meets the POINTY TOED BOOT OF DOOM and the Colonel takes over. Dragon with a sunset flip for two, but a ridiculous looking splash hits the knees. Mustafa follows with the gut wrench suplex for two. Double chop puts Steamboat down for two. Steamboat blocks a suplex and goes up, and the flying bodypress finishes easily at 4:05. You don’t see many shitty Steamboat matches, so you might wanna mark your calendar. 1/2*
– Back in the studio, we welcome Undertaker & Paul Bearer. And then we get the video from the wedding reception from HELL, as Randy and Liz have a happy time (narrated by Vince McMahon)…but then it all goes wrong, as they open the presents and it’s a SNAKE IN THE BOX~! Yes, it’s Wedding Crashers, with Jake Roberts as Owen Wilson and Undertaker as Vince Vaughn. Luckily, Sid is there to chase them off with a squeegee. OK, maybe not, but he WAS there and that joke is just never not funny. Awesomeness personified, and it wouldn’t be topped until HHH drugged and raped Stephanie in Vegas. Back in the studio, Paul shows the wonderful photos of Liz shrieking in fear at the sight of the snake. This actually set up a Sid v. Undertaker feud that didn’t pay off until 6 years later, oddly enough.
The Sheepwhackers v. Dwayne Gill & Barry Hardy
LORDS OF DISCIPLINE~! Gill of course went on to the most unlikely of comebacks years later as Gillberg. Gill accidentally clotheslines Hardy out of the ring after a long stall from the Wackers, and gets dumped as a result. Back in, the battering ram and gutbuster finish without much fanfare at 3:40.
Hercules v. Phil Apollo
Apollo was actually a pretty big name on the indy circuit for a while so it’s nice to see him again. For a while he got confused with Ray “Doink the Clown III” Apollo but other than that I don’t think he ever had a name on the national stage, although he may or may not have been one of the parade of people to play the character. Herc pounds the crap out of him and finishes with the torture rack at 1:35. Slick’s “turn out the lights, the party’s over” remains a catchphrase that could have caught on, but never did.
Jim Neidhart v. The Brooklyn Brawler
Neidhart slams Brawler and elbows him down, then hiptosses him out of the corner and finishes with the powerslam at 1:14.
Big Bully Busick v. Jim Powers
Bully powers Powers down with a wristlock to start and then tosses him. Back in, Powers catches Bully with his head down, but Bully chokes him out because he’s a big bully. Blind charge misses and Powers comes back with a clothesline and kneelift, and a dropkick for two. They got a really forgiving camera angle for that one because it was awful. Bully comes back with a backdrop suplex and finishes with the Stump Puller at 3:08. Herb Kunze’s joke explanation behind the move remains one of the funniest things ever posted on RSPW, and I quote…
“Andy, as I posted when Busich was using it, that is a very misleading
move. You might think he’s just driving his opponent’s neck into his
chest and pulling on his legs, but there’s much more going on. Sigh,
guess I’ll have to explain it again. Unbeknownst to casual onlookers
the secret to Busich’s Stump Puller was that he had an erection while
doing the move. In reality, every time he strains to “apply more
pressure” he’s actually rubbing his erection against the back of his
opponent’s head. Needless to say, this is enough to make even the
toughest opponent scream for escape and submit to the move. After all
if you don’t give up, things could get messy, if you get my drift.
The pulling of his opponent’s legs is really a vulgar suggestive move
on Busich’s part. Busich’s move got its name because, while he may
be a *big* bully, he’s not particularly well endowed.”
– UPDATE! WITH MEAN GENE. Let us take you back to the Funeral Parlor, as Bobby Heenan once again speaks the Word of Flair, and Roddy Piper takes exception on behalf of Hulk Hogan. And he SPITS ON THE BELT. Say what you will about Flair, but leave the Big Gold Belt out of it!
– Back in the studio, it’s time for RIC FLAIR. Bobby literally rolls out the red carpet for him and Flair is already having words for Hulk Hogan. Kind of an out of character interview for Flair, as he didn’t get into doing the really effective, sex-crazed playboy stuff until the Savage feud in 1992.
Kerry Von Erich v. IRS
Really, if the worst thing you say about Kerry is that he’s a tax cheat, you’re letting him off way too easily. IRS slams him and gives him a rather stiff kick to the FACE on the mat. WTF happened there? Did Kerry screw him over on a drug deal or something? His eye swells up right away. Kerry slugs back and gets his own slam and a hiptoss, and IRS bails. Back in, Irwin slugs away to put him down and goes up, but Tornado catches him with the Iron Claw, and they do a bizarre spot where IRS gets caught in the ropes trying to escape while Kerry yanks him back in awkwardly. Discus punch follows and IRS bails, so Kerry suplexes him back in for two. Blind charge hits the post and IRS rams him into the turnbuckle and follows with the Write-Off clothesline, although I guess he was still using the samoan drop at that point and it wasn’t a finisher yet. Chinlock, but Kerry fights up, so IRS grabs a sleeper. Kerry fights out and accidentally punches the ref out, so IRS starts yelling “HE DID IT! HE DID IT!”, but Hebner DQ’s IRS at 8:24 despite the campaigning. I’d have to side with Irwin on that one. There’s kind of a sad and perverse entertainment to watching late era Kerry matches and seeing just how much of a trainwreck he turned into in his last days. You could tell guys didn’t even want to work with him any longer, and can you blame them? 1/2*
Jimmy Snuka v. Pat Tanaka
Joined in progress, god knows why, from WWF Superstars. We pick it up with Tanaka working Snuka over and ramming him into the turnbuckle for two. He goes to a nerve hold and uses his martial arts, but Snuka clotheslines him out of the corner and they criss-cross into the chop from Snuka. Backbreaker and Superfly Splash finish at 3:15. Alfred notes that “only he knows what he’s going to do up there”, but I’m thinking after 10 years pretty much everyone had it figured out.
– Back in the studio, the LOD and their fucking Zubaz pants come out for an interview, and Hawk is WASTED. Holy shit. Why would they let him on the TV like that? He’s wobbling and can barely focus on the camera while cutting his promo.
– Let us take you back to the Summerslam 91 and show you the last few minutes of Von Erich/Bulldog/Steamboat v. Roma/Hercules/Warlord.
– Onto the Barber Shop, as Beefcake and his magnificent mullet interview Ted Dibiase and Sherri on the subject on Virgil, holder of the Million Dollar Belt.
The Warlord v. Mark Thomas
Geez, I don’t even have an interesting jobber to talk about here. Warlord tosses him around and puts him down with a shoulderblock, then follows with a gut wrench suplex. Warlord’s cut-in promo against Bret Hart shows why they never let him talk. Delayed suplex and short clothesline set up the full nelson to finish at 2:41.
Big Bossman v. Dwayne Evans
Bossman slugs him down to start and follows with a big boot, and finishes with the Bossman slam at 1:00.
– Bobby Heenan cuts one more promo against Hulk Hogan to finish up.
The show itself was pretty awful, but it have two of the all-time great WWF moments in Ric Flair’s debut promo and the Savage wedding reception, plus drunk Hawk and IRS kicking Kerry Von Erich right in his face, so it’s worth checking out for trainwreck appeal alone, I’d say.
