This week on Impact: The young guys feud with old dudes some more, everyone on the ‘net compares it to the WCW New Blood vs. Millionaires angle when it’s really ripped by WCW from New Japan, and none of this matters because Hiroshi motherf’n Tanahashi, a top 5 wrestler in the world, is on Impact!
Check back for live updates as I make the sweet sweet Impactfully.
The best part of Impact is consistently that CSI: NY plays Baba’ O’Reilly at the end. That’s not even an insult to TNA; the song is just that awesome.
Impact is on. The Mick Foley Era goes in high gear! That was fast.
AJ Styles opens with Samoa Joe and a mic. This is, as Wiswell says, not playig to their strengths. Do a plancha, AJ! AJ then begins talking. Now I really want that Plancha.
More Wiswell as he paraphrases what AJ should say: “I’ve been here for six years. I was here when Joe debuted. I was here when he beat me up in the back during his first promo. I was here when he cheated to beat me in our first match. I was here when… hey, Joe. I just realized that you’re a huge dick.”
AJ invites the young guys to join him and take top slots. Why he’s talking and not the killer of the two, who’s actually good on the mic, Joe, is beyond me. Here comes Jay Lethal to join them. He’s a Macho Impersonator, why is he anti-old folks? Consequnces Creed, ODB, Eric Young and Petey Williams are out to join, as well.
They don’t get to say a word until the Motor City Machine Guns come out to listen to Joe’s sales pitch. Joe says they’re in or out and continues his sales pitch. Shelley talks trash in response and gets a slap in the face for his trouble.
That, for some reason, draws out the Main Event Mafia. They have a special entrance and are in suits. The young guys look comparitively ridiculous in their gear. Way to get heat on the right people. Kurt Angle calls the young guys a disgrace. No one refutes it, so it stands. Nash talks and he goes back to talking about Scott Hall thinking Joe wasn’t worth the rub. That makes sense to most of those watching, surely. Booker goes next to talk trash and tease a fifth member. The heels get the final word, look the coolest, and the faces act foolish, fighting amongst themselves. The faces look like absolute crap. Welcome back, NWO.
Jeff Jarrett backstage says its Joe and Styles war, not his. Mick asks to go out and improvise, talking to Sting. Jarrett agrees and that’s our hook for later in the show.
The Beautiful People cut a promo on ODB and Christy Hemme. This would be great, if they could act.
Match 1: The Beautiful People with Kute Kip vs. ODB and Hemme
Tag formula leads to ODB finishing with a urinage.
ODB and Hemme defeat Love and Sky (Pin, Urinage, *)
Inoffensive, but at least the angle made sense.
Joe is backstage with Alex Shelley and Chris Sabin. Sabin apologizes and agrees to work with Joe to take out the heels. Well, them being skeptical got no play. If you don’t build the tease for more than twenty minutes, the pay off won’t matter, nor will the eventual swerve.
Eric Young explains why he joined Joe and AJ. Kurt beat his friends up last week, leaving Eric unsure who he is. If they can run with this development, he might actually work out since he’s a reasonably good worker.
Match 2: James Storm with Robert Roode and Jaqueline vs. Eric Young
Eric doesn’t fear pyro anymore. Storm attacks pre-bell, but Young turns it around. He controls until Roode’s interference allows Storm to control with a big DDT and a chinlock. Storm hits a Razor’s Edge, but Young kicks out. The fans don’t care, but Roode accidentally spits beer in Storm’s face and Young gets a quick pin.
Young defeats Storm (Pin, Roll Up, *)
Well, it established Young could win a basically clean match without being a retard. Good for him.
The heels beat down Young post match. The Machine Guns save and shake Eric’s hand. Good thing they’re beating up on those old guard guys… like Roode and Storm.
Taylor and Roxxi with weapons look for Kong backstage. Roxxi’s gimmick is cursing. How edgy.
When we return Roxxi and Taylor Wilde beat Saed and then Kong up. Glad the faces know their roles.
Match 3: Tanahashi and Volador vs. Chris Sabin and Alex Shelley
Daivari (with stupid new name) is out at the announce table. Me like 4 segments for MCMG.
They brawl spotastically early until it slows down into Tanahashi working over Shelley. His hair is crazy with red coloring at the top and blonde on the front inside. He stops to taunt, but still manages to take the Guns out alone.
Volador gets in and is quickly overwhelmed. Tanahashi is forced to save, but is quickly eliminated by a Shelley dive. Sabin and Shelley double team Volador, hit a double stomp off the top into a Cradle Shock for the finish.
MCMG defeat Volador and Tanahashi (Pin, Double Stomp/Cradle Shock, **)
A fun, short match. Nothing special here, but it wasn’t given time to be.
Daivari gets in to yell at Volador and is speared by Rhino.
Christian cuts a promo where he accepts Booker’s challenge of him joining the Main Event Mafia vs. Booker’s legend’s title.
Match 4: Booker T and Kevin Nash vs. Samoa Joe and AJ Styles
The faces beat the hell out of the heels until the first break.
We return and a Nash elbow leaves Joe worked over. AJ gets the hot tag and takes the heels alone with his speed. AJ locks in the cross armbreaker on Booker, but Nash break it up. Nash is suddenly caught in the rear naked choke by Joe, but Booker stops him. Nash is taken out. So it’s AJ and Booker. AJ nails a Pele “out of nowhere†and wins.
AJ and Joe defeat Booker and Nash (Pin, Pele Kick, ** ½)
Not bad. A Pele finish is weird, but this came together well. AJ was working stiff!
Backstage Matt Morgan and Abyss talk about Kurt Angle. Matt doesn’t think Abyss is ready. Abyss insists he is. Good to see the company giants whining.
Sting says no one has confirmed Mick is his boss. Okay. More commercials.
Mick Foley is out to talk about how much he’s enjoying working for TNA. A good paycheck for no bumps with lots of theme park trips? Well, duh, I’d have fun too. He announces Nash vs. Joe, Sting vs. AJ Styles and Kurt Angle vs. Abyss for Turning Point.
Sting comes out and Mick thanks him for putting Cactus on the map. He’s curious about why Sting is in the Main Event Mafia. Sting says that since Joe and AJ rejected what he said, and Mick respects Terry Funk, the next generation need that respect two, even if it’s beaten in. They agree to each do what they must. Sting says its his war and leaves.
Kurt Angle cuts his usual “I’m insane look at me, wooo!†promo on Jarrett.
Match 5: Kurt Angle vs. Abyss
Did I miss something or was this just announced for the PPV and now? I guess the other two are PPV and this was the main event. If Mick didn’t announce it, how would they have ended the show then?
Abyss beats on Kurt a lot and chases him up the ramp when Kurt runs away. When Angle gets in the ring, naturally, Abyss gets caught following him in, but Kurt runs into a sideslam. Kurt runs through the crowd and we go to commercial. You know, we know a bunch of run ins will occur… can we speed it up.
We return and Kurt’s offense is momentary. Abyss beats the hell out of him more. Kurt is really giving Abyss a ton here. Kurt gets a reversal into the Ankle Lock and its finisher time. Abyss hits a chokeslam for two. Angle Slam and that gets two. I hate the finisher trading at the end of Angle’s matches. Kurt goes up for the Moonsault but is powerbombed for another two. Kurt hits Abyss with a chair and we have a DQ.
Abyss defeats Angle by Disqualification (DQ, Chair Shot, **)
Abyss dominates until finisher trading. You know what you’re getting from Kurt at this point.
Angle scratches Abyss’s burns, then puts on the Ankle Lock. Morgon comes out for the save and hits the big kick. The MEM show up and Nash drills Abyss and Morgan with his chair. Here come the faces, Joe, AJ, Petey, Creed, Lethal and Young. The heels bail momentarily while Steiner sneaks behind them to lay everyone out with a pipe. The heels beatdown into the close. Welcome back, New World Order.
