1. Cary Silkin comes out, thanks everyone for coming to ROH tonight and announces that sadly Bryan Danielson, Nigel McGuinness and the Holy Ghost have been cut from ROH. Tonight we will see a one-night tournament for the world title, and here’s our first semi-final match: the Necro Butcher Vs. Green Phantom!
2. Kevin Steen, El Generico and Go Shiozaki all walk out in disgust at last-minute re-booking and Adam Pearce replaces them in the highly anticipated sequel to his Battle For Supremacy title match with Nigel McGuinness. Adam Pearce goes on to reign for a year and a half of naïve babyfaces chasing him.
3. Allison Danger returns to get revenge on Larry Sweeney and Bobby Dempsey, abducting them and all those they love for Saw-inspired revenge vignettes. Many videos will be pulled from youtube, but they will still go viral. In the end it turns out it wasn’t Danger at all, but Daizee Haze, because you can’t keep Haze out of any storyline involving another woman.
4. Davey Richards and Roderick Strong, not knowing how to tone down their styles given that they are largely grounded and originally intended to do a highly technical match, decide to replace any spot where one might hit a suplex with an illustrated explanation of quantum mechanics. It turns out that Strong has exactly the lack of charisma for this role and is the first of many ROH stars to be snatched up by MIT.
5. Jimmy Jacobs drives out in a lowrider he claims he won in an auction of the Guerrero Estate, spits on it, dumps Aries in the back and drives it off the set, where it bursts into flame. Nothing saves.
6. In a desperate ploy for attention Cary Silkin hires the host of a lame and long-defunct sports show to interview wrestlers live. The host keeps calling Bryan Danielson “Byron Daniels.†By December he will be the new authority figure. Silkin and Pearce will defend the decision on this site and others claiming they gave him too large a contract to justify him merely being an interviewer. ROH will be forced to release every wrestler who knows how to throw a punch in order to balance its books.
7. ROH’s home country is stuck in two wars and does not have the budget to begin national healthcare coverage as the world economy plummets.
8. ROH presents a generally well-rounded show, featuring a sound technical match between Strong and Richards that got great when the guys got stiff to show their ill-feelings over the NRC; an inspired tag bout between Aries & Danielson and the Age of the Fall that is almost as on-par with their Respect is Earned 2 match but pulled back slightly to leave the gravitas to the main event; and a main event between the four recognized champions in which a title doesn’t change hands but everyone, even Go Shiozaki, truly shows why they have been elevated to this level in the company. It is a blast live and should make a great DVD. Unfortunately only a couple hundred people saw it because they were told Adam Pearce was going to make the company suck now. The low attendance means ROH will never return to Canada and convinces Silkin and Pearce that they were right about ROH’s style being stale. This is the final nail that makes them insist the roster wrestle totally low-impact TV-style matches.
9. The entire roster that was at the Battle of Los Angeles last week is flown in to begin a last-ditch PWG invasion angle. Low Ki kicks people. Masato Yoshino breaks the sound barrier. Chuck Taylor is a dumbass. Eddie Kingston, who wasn’t at BOLA and we didn’t even know was up to it, flies in and introduces every single wrestler any fan has ever requested. They dance to Black Sabbath’s “Supernaut†and all become regulars. Every match on the show is awesome. The company goes bankrupt before bell-time on Saturday, which means DVD’s of the event are not pressed and only those in attendance ever knew the show was good. Dave Meltzer interviews the newest biographer of Erwin Schrodinger, who questions if even that much is certain.
10. Six of the seven matches end on disqualifications.
11. Six of the seven matches have endings that are the result of interference and weapons.
12. The seventh match just blows. Leave it to Ruckus.
13. Two thousand Canadians show up to the building to find the doors locked, the shades drawn and what sounds like Gabe Sapolsky crying in the alley behind the building. Despite their best efforts, the friendly Canadians cannot locate the source of the sobbing. The phantom wailing continues to plague North American indy wrestling venues for the next hundred years until a child of light is born in the rubble of what was once the Murphy Rec Center. The mother will claim her marriage was never consummated.
