Welcome to week 81.
So before I begin what will be yet another riveting and not at all bitter and mean spirited column about pro wrestling, allow me to say what I should have said last week had I actually submitted my column in on time…
Obama. Fuck yeah.
That is all. We can now resume regular programming.
Before getting down to this week’s topic, let me touch on some stuff that’s transpired over the past two weeks in the wrasslin’ world:
First up was Cyber Sunday, a PPV that garnered me yet another Roundtable Championship. My major gripe about Cyber Sunday was that the WWE gave Dave Batista the World Heavyweight Championship, which I thought was the wrong person at the wrong time. (Editor’s note: Well, my major gripe other than the fact that the show as a whole was lackluster at best) I have made no secret of the fact that I am not a big Batista fan, though I don’t quite share the unabashed anger some of you have towards the big guy. Dave just doesn’t elicit the kind of fan’s reaction that Vince wants from him. Batista was going to be the Ultimate Warrior to John Cena’s Hulk Hogan. Where Cena was an unabashed superhero who preached respect as much as Hogan preached sucking down vitamins, Batista was an uncaged beast who would let loose with wild aggression unmatched since the days of Jim Helwig and his pre-gay-bashing face paint and arm tassels. Sadly, Dave’s crowd reactions have not gone the way Cena’s have. While the fans do seem to hate John, they seem apathetic to Dave. Giving someone who has been getting tepid responses the Big Gold Belt isn’t the way to get him over, it’s the way to get fans to change the channel.
Last week’s 3-hour cage match extravaganza was kind enough to undo the error. Dave lost the belt, Jericho got it back, all is right with the world. When Chris escaped that cage, the big question on everyone’s mind was “What’s next?†Jericho gets Cena at Survivor Series because Cena will sell the PPV based solely on his hyped return and Chris has shown in the past that he can go in the ring against John. Shawn Michaels, having severed his ties to Jericho in the UK this week, is going to captain a Survivor Series team against John “Can Fill Any Vacancy†Bradshaw Layfield. That leaves us Dave and Randy. Randy Orton has been getting high praise all over the net (even from our one-time ROHbot exclusive and now all around wrestling guy Pulse Glazer), but I haven’t been as swayed by Randy just because he has some arm tats and has yet to trash a hotel suite this month. Orton is still the guy who has been given the ball a few times and yet to really be considered “the manâ€. Dave’s role in this feud could go one of two ways; either he’ll be the cannon fodder that allows Orton to take over as the leader of the Evolutionary Horsemen or Dave’ll turn heel and join Randy to run roughshod over RAW.
Personally, I think a heel Batista is exactly what he needs right now. Dave hasn’t gone heel since his initial turn, and being the muscle for Orton would be a welcome role for him on Monday Nights. Frankly, having the “big†heels on RAW be JBL, Kane and Priceless doesn’t exactly make the brand seem strong. (Jericho can’t be considered just another heel on the show because he’s world champ and Randy is busy milking his potential tweener status) A heel Batista to feud with Mysterio, Punk and Michaels would freshen up the program in a big way while Cena, Orton and Jericho occupy the top slot on the card.
TNAwful had a PPV this weekend (I won’t even bother to look up the name) and their de-evolution into WCW has come so quickly that it’s almost amazing to think anyone believed they were even close to being salvageable. The Main Event Mafia, oddly enough, is the strongest stable of wrestlers I think I’ve ever seen. Booker T, Kevin Nash, Kurt Angle, Sting and Scott Steiner were all at one point the biggest thing going in wrestling. Granted, everyone but Kurt was the biggest thing going in WCW, but still, it’s something. They are as strong, if not stronger, than the n.W.o.’s roster. At its core, you have 3 former WWE champions, 4 former WCW champions and 3 former TNA world champions. Those are impressive stats. The best part for TNA is that some of them can still go. Scratch that, the best part for TNA is that they all have name recognition with common marks. How better to make your product accessible than to have your top guys all be familiar names. It worked wonders for WCW. Oh, and when you have your familiar guys at the top, have them all be heel so that fans who want a nostalgia kick will boo who they know and love. That would work gangbusters. Lastly, have your new talent be home-grown and make them look weak and confused and outmatched and at the end of the day have them be nothing more than enhancement talent who constantly remind fans that the world champ and upper card consists of talentless, old guys who make too much money. Brilliant.
Yes, when building a face/heel war you need your heels to look strong. Yes, the young guys will get wins back. No, this will not “save†TNA. TNA is now beyond saving. Angle came out months ago against stupid gimmick matches and overbooked storylines and is now entering a new PPV chock full of stupid gimmicks as part of an overbooked storyline. Here’s a crazy idea, let the wrestlers WRESTLE. The young/old storyline could work if they just let everyone go out there and compete to see who’s best. It makes more sense than soap opera theatrics and deciding your world title in a 10-man crapfest.
Yeah, I glossed over everything, so what? If I felt like it, I’d point out how having Joe get pinned killed their version of “Sting†in this nWo ripoff and how AJ Styles as TNA Champion wouldn’t do what they want to do and how going after Sarah Palin makes them look like the cheap whores they really are. But I won’t, so we move on to:
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For Your Consideration…Best of Luck in Your Future Endeavors
It’s time for what has sadly become an annual “You’re Fiiiiired†column. I’m going to look at some of the high profile releases and see where the WWE went wrong. Yes folks, the WWE guy is going negative against the powers that be in Titan Tower.
Chuck Palumbo:
First up is Chuck Palumbo (and no, I will not look it up to see if I spelled his name right). Chuck got rehired a few years back for some odd reason considering he has no charisma or talent to speak of and he doesn’t have a particularly marketable look. He’s a shlubby looking guy whose face looks like it was pulled taffy that was left in the sun too long. Chuck wasn’t even a WWE guy in the first place; he began his sucking as a Natural Born Thrillah in WCW (oh Mike Sanders, how I miss your Above Average-ness), so there was no loyalty issue to speak of. Chuck’s first WWE run was only memorable because he played a fake gay guy. That’s about it. Then they were going to bring him back to exploit his family’s military involvement, but that storyline kinda went by the wayside before he even made it on television.
After staying off TV for the first few months of his new contract, Chuck appeared as a biker who got off on retooling “those beautiful Titan bikes†and then beating the crap out of opponents. He didn’t look too terrible on Friday Night Smackdown and was even getting a mild crowd reaction as a midcard face. Chuck’s no-frills gimmick would have played nicely against MVP or now a guy like Shelton Benjamin. Instead, he was partnered with Michelle McCool (the one we’re supposed to pretend is WAY hotter than she is…don’t get me wrong, she’s hot, but not THAT hot) and suddenly became a guy who beats women and has anger issues, not to mention potential causes of action for aggravated stalking. His random heel turn wound up doing more for Jamie Noble than for Ole Chucky, and he was jobbed out and sent to Monday Nights. On RAW, Chuck was used as a JTTS once or twice before vanishing for good.
Now I am all for the release of Chuck Palumbo. He wasn’t doing anyone any favors by being on the WWE roster, and by getting shuttled outta Stamford, he can go back to Japan and Mexico and get nice paydays there while not boring me on Monday Night RAW. He brought nothing to the table to begin with, so clearing out the trash was a smart and welcome move in my opinion.
Kenny Dykstra
Kenny Dykstra’s release surprised me. Kenny was a major player in OVW as Ken Doane, the youngest champion in the developmental territory’s history. When he was called up to the big leagues, he was given a cheerleader outfit and told to make us believe he could ra-ra-sis-boom-ba and be a credible threat. As default leader of the Spirit Squad, Kenny got to main event a RAW against Triple H, not to mention be the only SSer to get a real roster slot on his own.
Kenny had a huge upside and was LOVED by Stephanie and Creative. His lack of on-air exposure was due in part to an injury and in part to the company’s desire to get him more seasoning. Kenny was a natural hand and was viewed as a potential future franchise player. His departure is made all the more odd considering he didn’t seem to ruffle anyone’s feathers. Maybe this is fall-out from his breakup with Mickie James? Maybe this is a matter of his youth catching up to him? Either way, this move puzzled me because Kenny worked really well as heel enhancement talent, and keeping him around would have paid off for the WWE considering having a young, athletic guy on your roster could only mean good things.
I don’t think this is the end for Kenny in the WWE, and I see him getting resigned sometime in the next few years. All in all, not a major loss by the WWE, but rather a major condemnation of their Development System. If Kenny was the future and now he’s gone, what does that say about the WWE’s future?
Elijah Burke
Now THIS was a major shocker. Elijah Burke had everything a WWE superstar needed in order to get over; he had charisma, he had style, he had in-ring talent, he had great mic work and he had a great attitude. Burke was forced to get Sylvester Terkay (spelling…don’t care) over and he somehow did it. When ST left, Burke got himself over. Elijah’s flashy moves made watching ECW slightly more palatable, and as the leader of the “New Breedâ€, he showed fans that maybe a new major heel was on the horizon.
Burke had great matches with Rob Van Dam and CM Punk before abruptly being pulled from television. Undaunted, Burke began blogging for WWE.com and constantly assured fans that he’d be back on TV any day. Sadly, that day never came, and frankly I’m puzzled.
Elijah Burke is on par with a guy like Shelton Benjamin in the ring, and while I am a major Benjamin guy, the biggest gap in his arsenal is Elijah’s biggest asset, his mouth. The guy could talk people into the arena. Even if the WWE kept him as an enhancement talent, Burke would be able to get guys like R-Truth and Ricky Ortiz (two guys I WISH were released) over. I see no reason to release Elijah Burke because a slot for a guy like him could open any day. He’s the perfect IC/US Title level worker and if he were on RAW, he could no doubt produce great matches with Punk, Mysterio, Kingston or even Batista. Instead, he’s out of a job while Mike Knox continues to get a major push. Go figure.
Paul London
Well, we all figured this was coming sooner or later. Paul London’s failure to be a major WWE superstar is mind boggling, especially when you look at Evan Bourne. London is arguably a better worker than Bourne, a better look than Bourne and a better overall skill level than Bourne. Paul London ran into problems when he continued to use his “reckless†style in the ring when told not to and the fact that he was perceived as being weird.
London wasn’t long for this world when his girlfriend Ashley was cut a few months back (or she quit, whichever we want to believe), because off-screen romances always mean that on-screen turmoil can’t be far behind. Paul London should have been Evan Bourne. He would have gotten over and he would have made Vince money. Instead, he was bounced around after his tag title run and ultimately wound up in the WWE doghouse and toiled away on RAW until he was finally let go. Paul could wind up in Japan or ROH, but I think TNA would be wise to snap him up. Having Paul London, AJ Styles, Christopher Daniels and Samoa Joe on one roster is something even they can’t fuck up…yeah, nevermind, they could.
Paul London being cut by Vince was a foolish, foolish move. Even if he, like Kenny, Chuck and Elijah, we were kept as jobbers, they would make the other talent look like a million bucks. Now, with Evan out for a few months, a slot suddenly sprung open for a small guy who can do a Shooting Star Press. Hmm…
Christian Cage
Now the rumor is that Christian will finally come home to the WWE. Frankly, getting him out of TNA is the best thing for the guy. He got everything he could have from Total Nonstop Awful, so he should cash in his chips and flee northward. Christian left the WWE because they didn’t see him as main event. Now that TNA showed us that Christian could be a world champion, he can go back to Vince and say that he can make them some money.
Christian will run into the same problem that Chris Jericho did a year ago in that there really isn’t a main event slot open for him right now. At least not one he would want, anyway. On RAW you have Jericho as the top heel alongside Randy Orton, Kane, JBL and Priceless. Jericho and Orton have the cocky heel thing locked down, which would make Christian the #3 guy in that department. Smackdown’s already got Edge, not to mention Koslov, Big Show, MVP, Kennedy and the returning Umaga. Edge and Christian on the same show as the same character isn’t helping anyone. That leaves ECW, where Miz and Morrison pretty much turned Edge & Christian’s funny heel shtick into their own little gimmick.
Face Christian doesn’t really excite me either. RAW’s face-heavy thanks to Dave, Shawn, Punk, Kofi and Rey. Smackdown’s got Hunter and Jeff Hardy and Hunter and Hunter. ECW’s only got Matt Hardy and Finlay (and Bourne soon enough), but would Christian leave to be the #2 or #3 face on Tuesday Nights?
There you have it, a look at those released and those that might swim back into captivity. Agree? Disagree? Awheeler316@yahoo.com
This has been for your consideration.
