Making Movie History: Movies I'm Not Supposed To Hate, But I Don't Listen To You

We each have our own eclectic tastes in the different genres of the film industry that we care for. Even then though we sometimes go outside of our favorite genre and see a movie or two that we just absolutely love. Then there are those films that supposedly everyone in the world is supposed to adore and love and always watch and be enamored with or you just aren’t a normal human being. Well I’m here to tell you that society is wrong and I hate a good number of the films I’m intended to love because society says so. To society I say…PPPPPBBBBBBBTTTTTT!

You can throw all the shit you want at me because I know there’s going to be backlash due to this column, but it’s my opinion and I’m sticking with it. Time and time again we have the newspapers, critics, television shows, and even other damn movies telling us what is good and what we should like. This may make me come across as a hypocrite or as totally contradicting myself because I do review films, DVDs, Blu-rays, and such things as that. But what I don’t do is tell you what you should go see and if it is something that everyone should love or like or blah blah blacksheep. My reviews reflect my opinions and what I think about those movies, but never will you hear me tell you that you need to “love this film” or that “it will be one your favorites.”

How weird that I’m a critic yet I can’t stand the opinions of most other critics. Half the time actually I’ll end up loving films that the big name critics hate and hating those they love. Maybe that’s because my tastes are really different or perhaps deep down inside I know I don’t want to agree with them.

On this list I’m giving you this week are not movies that are particularly the greatest movies ever or even the highest rated, but they are those that people have told me before “I’m strange for not loving.” I don’t want to love them. I don’t have to love them. And as a matter of fact…I think they suck so bring on your hell.

titanic
Titanic



It astounds me just how many damn people love this movie. I don’t get it. Leonardo DiCaprio is God awfully annoying in the film and Kate Winslet is just frustrating because she is so talented but fails to show it at all here. As a matter of fact, they are both extremely talented actors that know how to perform on screen and can pretty much do any role presented to them. Here they seemed overwhelmed and almost too anxious to get into their roles as Jack and Rose and ended up looking more retarded then anything else.

I’ll admit that the design of the ship and the sets impressed me greatly. Everything looked so authentic right down to the boiler/engine room and the big dudes throwing wood into the burners. All of the costumes looked great from the upper class right down to the vagrants that were filthy and in rags. This is a film that could have been so amazing had they not taken the focus off of what actually happens to the ship and the people and put the spotlight on the love of two unlikely people joining together. It is a story of triumph turning into tragedy, but all we get is Leo telling Kate in such a childish and hilarious fashion…”You’re so stupid Rose. Rose, you’re so stupid! STUPID!”

Let’s not forget that one of my biggest complaints about the movie is when Rose stops while running and flips the bird. She grew up in wealth, knows only about the upper class way of living, and is made of elegance and grace…one or two nights with the lower class would not have given her the balls back then to flip someone off.

Oh and by the way, the boat sinks people.


gladiator
Gladiator



My first viewing of Gladiator (the Russell Crowe version, not the Cuba Gooding awesome version) was one that didn’t have mixed feelings whatsoever, but absolutely loved it. It had a fantastic story and just over the top action that made me almost want to stand up and cheer as if I was in the Roman Coliseum. The film tore my heart out made me angry made me freaked out a little bit and then made me feel inspired to beat the crap out of someone after screaming, “UNLEASH HELL!” It made me want to go back to the theatre right away and see it again so that’s what I did, and I see it as one of the biggest mistakes I’ve ever made in life.

My second viewing of Gladiator completely changed every thought I originally had about it and sent the movie into my shit pile. I’m not sure if it was the clich├ęd story going on leading up to the oh-so-expected ending that did it. Maybe it was the action wasn’t nearly as good as I first thought it was and the fight scenes just seemed kind of dull and lackluster. Or you know what it probably was? The fact that the damn script was 800,000 pages long. Oh my Lord, there is just way too much damn talking going for what is supposed to be an old-school brawl with swords and spears and chariots and flaming torches and not with a pen, paper, sentence structure, and alliteration.


slumdogmillionaire
Slumdog Millionaire



Yeah I know that this is an inspirational movie and it is a true story of moving forward and knowing that you always have a chance in life. I know that it is supposed to make you feel good and get into my soul because these kids have come from the slums and done the unthinkable.

I don’t give a shit.


thegodfather
The Godfather



I’m willing to bet that this will be the one that I get the most hell about because there have not been many (any) people I’ve ever met that agree with me here. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I absolutely despise the film because it’s decent and has a great story but I still fail to see what the big deal is. People will jump off of cliffs to check out this movie and I’ll be just fine watching it maybe once every year or two. Even then I don’t find the urge to pop in the DVD (which I do own), or go out of my way to catch it on cable just so the Don can grace my TV.

There’s not much else I can say here about this because people are probably going to jump all over my ass for it, but I can’t just sit here and act like something that isn’t that superior is an overly phenomenal film. It sort of bores me and makes me wish I was off doing anything else. Now it’s already boring me and it isn’t even on my television. You know, I honestly bought the damn DVD of The Godfather just so people would stop coming over, seeing my collection of over 2,500 movies, and blurting out, “So…you don’t have a copy of The Godfather? Someone must have borrowed it right?”

Shut up, the movie is not god.


followthatbird
Follow That Bird



Weird choice right? Yeah it really is, but there’s a reason it’s in this column and it’s my column so what I say, goes. Alright, for those that don’t know what movie this is…it is one involving the gang from Sesame Street and trying to find a giant yellow bird that has gone lost. You got it, Big Bird is missing and everyone needs to find him so that he can come back home to Sesame Street and make their lives complete since they love him so much. He is an icon of Sesame Street and they need to make him realize that is where he needs to be for him and them.

Ok, it’s a movie that I loved as a kid and am sure that many people in that same boat would look at it today and remember how much fun it used to be. We all do that with stuff from our childhood and still love it as we get older. My love for Sesame Street has not gone anywhere, but I must admit that my hatred for Big Bird is at an all-time high above all else and now I finally have a huge public forum to get this out into the open.

Big Bird is an asshole. Let me get this out there for everyone. You all know Mr. Snuffleupagus don’t you? Better known as Snuffy; he is the mammoth type creature living in his little alley that was at one point invisible to everyone on Sesame Street but Big Bird. All knew he was there, but couldn’t see him. At some point he became visible and then recently went back to being invisible and I don’t really know why. Nonetheless, he couldn’t be seen by anyone but Bird and therefore never did anything but hang out in his alley. Well, Big Bird would always go in there and be like, “Hey Snuffy, this is what I just got done doing with my other friends and this is what I’m going to do with my other friends! Alright then, see you later!” What a prick! He deserves to be lost and end up getting hit by a garbage truck somewhere along on his journey ya big yellow schmuck!


Yeah, there really isn’t much more for me to say here because I’ve gotten my tension out here and was able to vent a tad bit. I love having an open forum where I can say whatever the hell I please. If you don’t like what my words say about what are surely some of your favorite movies, then please let me know by all means. Hearing your bitching, complaining, or even compliments will brighten up my day.

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