All right people, the Impact review is going to be coming out on Saturdays instead of a live report on Thursdays due to some work overlap. At least this will allow me to fast forward through the Russo-rific moments and thus preserve my ever-diminishing sanity.
Impact kicks off with a familiar sight: the 20-minute opening promo. This time it’s Jeff Jarrett coming down to the ring instead of Angle. Jarrett runs down the Lethal Lockdown main event stipulations. Angle and Joe will captain their respective teams – except Joe has refused all leadership. Therefore, Jarrett calls down A.J. Styles and asks him to assume leadership duties. AJ does the booking team a favor and buries himself, telling Jarrett he’s not fit to lead a team. AJ praises Jarrett for taking a chance on a bunch of indy green wrestlers years back (and proceeded to bury them). But those indy wrestlers have let him down. How? AJ never says but one can only assume it’s because the MEM stole on them all these months. Here’s the best part: The only person worthy of leading the Lockdown Team is Jarrett. Just so I’m clear, the Originals get embarrassed week in and week out, the stage is set for them to get payback, but they are too scared to do it without Jarrett. I don’t understand why these guys don’t just quit.
From bad to worse: here comes Steiner, all healed up from the knife attack a few weeks back. Predictably, neither of the announcers mention that “Hey, this man survived an attempted murder last month!”
Steiner, speaking around marbles, says he is not standing in front of Jarrett as Big Poppa Pump or any other subsidiaries, but he’s there as his friend. Steiner recaps his and Jarrett’s rise from nobodies back in the late 80s to where they are now. He warns Jarrett not to trust the future of TNA to guys like AJ and Samoa Joe. Good God the burials are coming fast and furious. It gets even worse as Steiner brings up Jarrett’s dead wife and daughters. Steiner made a promise to her before she died that he would look after Jeff and the girls. Keep this man the f*ck away from the children! To uphold this promise, he entreats Jeff to trust the company to Steiner and the Main Event Mafia. You can’t argue with that logic. Steiner’s back, Angle’s neck and Sting’s knees will hold up for at least the next two, three months whereas AJ and Joe have what, ten more years in them. I’m going to have to go with Steiner on this one.
AJ tells Jarrett to trust his heart instead of Steiner. AJ challenges Steiner to a match later tonight which Steiner accepts.
Backstage…
Angle, Nash, Booker, Sharmell and MEM Security
Angle says he really isn’t surprised JJ is considering aligning himself with the Mafia. He thinks Jarrett and Foley conspired to end MEM for good but once Foley went off the reservation and gently tapped Sting with a chair, JJ was left out on his own. Angle admits he was the problem with the Main Event Mafia. He says he’s going to go out to the ring and offer Sting a public apology. I’d actually prefer he do it on his own time and charitably donate the ten minutes to an X-Division match. Right when I think Angle is showing some maturity he tells Nash to go “charm the pants off (Jenna from Survivor’s) pussy.” Wow.
TNA Management has given Bashir 15 seconds of screen time. He uses by introducing us to his Team Immigrant. He’s teamed up with No Limit and Kiyoshi.
Lethal Consequence and LAX vs. Bashir, Kiyoshi and Team No Limit
Creed is such a cornball. I think it’s about time he drops the Apollo gimmick, seeing as how Apollo was beaten to death twenty years ago. While we’re at it let’s just lose the whole Black Mashismo gimmick too. Bashir brings the beats to Homicide to start. Homicide with a belly-to-belly and he tags in Hernandez. The double-team Bashir in the corner. Hernadez covers for two. Creed tags in with a axehandle from the top as Bashir is drapped over Hernandez shoulders. Cover gets two. Bashir trips Lethal from the second rope and tags Yujiro. His partner joins him in the ring despite not receiving a tag and the ref lets them hit a double hiptoss, low dropkick and legdrop. Kiyoshi gets a tag and comes in with a flying chop. Lethal flips out of a back suplex and tags to Creed. Creed fires away with punches and almost botches a pop-up cross bodyblock. No Limit pull Creed out. Homicide and Lethal hit stereo sliding dropkicks and follow it up with a Homicide Tope con Hilo and Lethal tope. Hernandez casually jumps from the apron onto all seven men. Back in the ring, Creed goes for a TKO but an eyerake from Bashir allows him to hit a DDT for the win.
Bashir actually looked good in this match, the first time he has since he’s come to TNA. This match is a perfect example of why having the MEM/Sting/Foley/Jarrett saga dominate 75% of the show is a bad idea. There’s no denying that all these guys can wrestle (Lethal and Homicide always shine every time they’re on screen) but there’s no way anyone will get over with comedy gimmicks and four-minute tag matches.
Winners: Team International – *1/2 (Would have been higher if it would have been longer)
Borash is in the executive office with Jarrett and Foley. Foley, by all appearances, is still mentally ill. Jarrett starts getting fed up with Mick’s non-sequiturous ramblings. JJ says he’s starting to regret ever letting Mick buy shares in his company. Mick, still not understanding why Jarrett is a little shaken after having his dead wife brought up several minutes earlier, thinks Jarrett is being a downer. Mick admits to not having a clue why he blasted Sting but knows it felt good to do it. Foley thinks TNA needs the Mafia but Jarrett doesn’t agree. Foley says he’s going to leave to make a big decision.
Here’s where the show begins to fall off the rails. Team 3-D is backstage with Cornette. Cornette promised 3-D a favor if they could keep MEM from interfering in a match a couple weeks ago, and he agrees to deliver on it. MEM Security storm in demanding a match with 3-D. This rightfully elicits laughter as the challengers (Sally and Rocco) are the only two wrestlers on the roster in worse shape than Brother Ray. Well…maybe Samoa Joe but you get my point.
Because it’s been so long since we’ve last seen him, let’s hear what Mick Foley has to say. He’s in a sit down interview with Gollum himself, Mike Tenay. Tenay wants to know why Mick blasted Sting with a chair. Twice. Mick thinks Sting is smug and condescending and is, in fact, happy with himself for laying Sting out. Tenay suspects Mick joined TNA for the sole purpose of winning the TNA Championship. “Nobody wants that thing,” Mick says. “Sting doesn’t even want the title. And he’s the champ.” The last line may or may not have been made up. Mick does say that he had self-restrained himself to just accept the role as minority shareholder. But now that he thinks about being TNA champ, he thinks “why not?”
Dr. Stevie
Abyss starts rambling about the Octomom for a while before Stevie cuts him off. Stevie wants to know why Abyss has been missing sessions. Abyss claims his nonexistent family (Lauren) has been keeping him busy. Stevie’s a little pissed off that Abyss has been disobeying him and using weapons. Abyss reluctantly admits that he’s even agreed to a first blood cage match with Matt Morgan. Stevie calmly shuts his door and then proceeds to whip Abyss’s ass on the therapy couch. Abyss whimpers while Stevie screams at him to stay away from the goddamn weapons. His point made, Stevie resumes his seat and ask Abyss if they’ll meet again the same time next week. Abyss meekly agrees.
MEM Security vs. Team 3-D
Let’s take this time to breathe a sigh of relief that wastes of space like the Motor City Machine Guns were kept off the card to make room for two cable repairmen. The match was a bad as you’d think. A lot of punching, kicking, sweating and heavy breathing. I won’t say much about this match except that they gave MEM Security WAY too much offense. Brother Ray go maybe 10 seconds of offense total. Just bizarre. D-Von was the only one who looked half decent.
Post-match MEM Security beat down Team 3-D. This draws out Beer Money who have been giving commentary throughout the match. The take the chairs from Security and blast them with it, saving 3-D from the beatdown.
Winners – Team 3-D (1/4* I never want to see Rocco or Sally Boy on my TV screen again.)
Moving on…
Let’s check in with Mick. I think TNA assumes that if viewers don’t see his overfed, homeless mien every ten minutes they’ll trash their TV screen in rage. JB wants Mick to go back and make peace with Jarrett. Mick won’t, because JJ is a “party pooper.” Speaking of overfed, Joe emerges from the shadows and asks Mick to deliver him the entire MEM. Mick says he’ll see what he can do, so long as Joe loses the knife. It might be time to get the cops involved. I mean, if a shirtless, knife-wielding Samoan was wandering around the file room at my work, I think somebody might have made a quick 911 call.
Lauren is with Beer Money, fresh off their Team 3-D save. Roode says that what we just witnessed was a new side of Beer Money. Beer Money wants Team 3-D completely healthy for their fight at Lockdown so there will be no doubt, after Beer Money wins, that they are the greatest tag team in the world. So until then, Beer Money has 3-D’s back. Storm wants 3-D to bring all their old fans from ECW days to Lockdown so he can see their faces after 3-D go down in a heap. Sorry about your damn luck.
The Altered Beast Theme hits and out come the Main Event Mafia. This smells of a swerve. Angle calls out Sting, who comes down dressed for wrestling. Angle admits to Sting that his actions were wrong and apologizes. Sting refuses Angle’s proffered handshake. He can’t believe Angle expects him to accept that after all Angle’s put him through these past couple months. Sting points out that for all the MEM’s complaints about the brattiness of the TNA youngsters, Angle himself is the biggest brat. Such biting criticism. Sting’s not buying his apology. Angle admits that he is what he is and probably won’t change but he is truly sorry. Sting can’t be bothered anymore and walks out. Nash grabs the mic and implores Sting to give Angle a chance to redeem himself. The crowd chants: “WALK AWAY! WALK AWAY!”
Foley interrupts (remember the 10 minute rule) from the rafters. He’s carrying his barb-wired baseball bat and wants to know if Sting is ready for him at Lockdown. Foley has booked Sting in a non-title match with Samoa Joe later tonight. Good idea. Give the match away on free TV with no build whatsoever, 50 minutes after you announce it. Brilliant.
Back from the commercial break we go from bad to worse. The Master of Malpractice Dr. Stevie, fresh from beating the shit out of a patient, is with Daffney who has thankfully shed the Governor gimmick. She babbles about how she was working as an actress when she was recruited by Roxxi and Taylor Wilde to play the Governor character. She agreed, but after getting her hair cut, snapped or something or whatever. Glad the Governor character is dead but this was just terrible stuff.
Madison Rayne vs. Taylor Wilde
Your typical Knockouts match. Taylor does her thing and picks up yet another win over these girls. The post match beatdown is thwarted as Wilde runs away just as she’s about to get her hair cut. Riveting stuff. The Beautiful People demand Rayne go find Wilde and complete the cut job. Rayne listens and takes off after her.
Winner – Taylor Wilde (1/2* Nothing to see here people. Keep it moving)
We come back from the break and Rayne has caught Wilde coming out of the shower but is getting her ass kicked. The Beautiful People arrive and help out but just as they’re starting to lop off some locks, security comes in to break it up.
We jump to Lauren backstage with that Jenna chick from Survivor. I didn’t know anyone still watched that show. They must be running out of locations to hold the contest in. Survivor: Minneapolis, exclusively on CBS! Kevin Nash shows up to take her on a date of sorts. Lauren is set to tell her what Angle said about her earlier but Nash shuttles Jenna off before Lauren can cockblock any further.
Lethal Lockdown Challenge: Scott Steiner vs. TNA Legends Champion AJ Styles
Steiner gets a headlock off the jump. AJ pushes Steiner off but gets leveled with a shoulderblock. Steiner with chops in the corner, but gets caught with an inverted atomic drop. AJ clotheslines him down and rains punches on him. Steiner with an eyerake and a bodyslam. Steiner tries for another bodyslam but when Styles flips out of it, Steiner hits him with a lowblow. Back from the break, Steiner punches down AJ. Steiner’s charge meets foot. A trading of punches is ended by an AJ enziguiri. Steiner backdrops AJ out of a Styles Clash attempt. AJ with a Northern Lights for 2 and a half. Hurricarana is countered into a gentle Steiner powerbomb. It gets two. A series of whips into the corner and missed Steiner charges ends with a backbreaker that puts both competitors out. A springboard forearm from AJ gives us our inevitable ref bump. Cue the Angle interference. He gives Steiner a chair, who misses AJ with a swing. The Pele misses by a mile but puts Steiner out regardless. Jarrett takes out Angle. AJ grabs the chair but before he can use it Jarrett stops him. While the ref is distracted Steiner drills AJ with a Flatliner onto the chair. So…just so we’re clear. At the top of the show, AJ buries himself, then Steiner buries him, then he picks a fight with Steiner, and then he jobs to him. What the f*ck? Ok, granted, Steiner picked up the win after Jarrett’s helping hand backfired and Steiner was able to use a chair on AJ but come on!
Winner – Scott Steiner (** Like AJ could have a bad match. Steiner has been surprisingly adept at treading water in matches lately. It’s obvious he’s in tremendous pain but he’s still able to work. Go figure)
JB backstage interviewing Sting. JB wants Sting’s thoughts on his upcoming match with Samoa Joe. Sting is worried about Joe, but promises to get through the match and make Foley pay.
Non-Title Match: TNA World Heavyweight Champion Sting vs. Samoa Joe
Joe completely kicks the shit out of Sting here. He dominates the match, except for a portion in the middle when Sting gets the Scorpion Deathdrop. Sting powers out of it immediately and continues the beating. Joe gets DQed after he tosses the ref aside. Joe hits Sting with the Muscle Buster for fun and locks in the Coquina Choke to murder Sting for good. Booker comes out to help but he too is beaten silly by Joe. Sharmell shields Booker from a chairshot so Joe kidnaps her. Seriously, he throws her over his shoulder and carries her out of the Impact Zone as her husband and the TNA champ lie unconscious. I guess it’s kind of interesting how they’re portraying Joe nowadays. I can’t say I completely like it but at least he’s kicking ass again. Now if only they would stop burying that AJ fella.
Winner – Sting by DQ (I can’t give this a rating as it wasn’t a match)
