For Your Consideration…Punk’s Up SmackDown

For Your Consideration…Punk’s Up SmackDown

Yes, my inexplicable run of doing live commentary continues. I figured I covered RAW and ECW this week, so why not Smackdown? I think I’m entitled to cover the most entertaining show once in a while. The main issue with covering Smackdown is that it airs on a Friday night and more often than not, I’m out on a Friday. What that means is my Saturday morning is dedicated to watching my DVRed “Smackdown”. For whatever reason I wasn’t able to watch “Friday Night Smackdown” yesterday, but how better to spend a bright Sunday morning than watching some mighty fine wrestling.

Last week’s Smackdown actually ended on a “shocking” cliffhanger. Matt Hardy made his abrupt return and was inserted by (current heel but probable face come Monday) Mister McMahon into the Punk/Hardy main event. With the world expecting Matt to screw over his brother, we were shocked (shocked I say) to find out that Matt helped Jeff Hardy retain the title. Does this mean that Matt Hardy is aligned with his brother? Or is he setting Jeff up for a bigger turn down the road?

The best thing for the Matt Hardy character in terms of sales is to embrace his brother and try to take his slot once Jeff leaves. If, however, Jeff is staying, then have Matt stab him in the back and re-ignite the…what’s a polite term here…competent feud. Then, when Punk has the gold, he can continue his Big Time Heel posturing by feuding with the Undertaker. Seriously, a Punk/Taker feud at Survivor Series would be great for the company (yet another over guy headlining a top PPV) and great for Punk (putting him in the ring as an equal to an icon, no matter how bad he gets squashed in the end). RAW’s biggest get right now is the return of – yawn – DX, so let’s embrace the slightly daring world of Smackdown.

Lastly, follow my zany antics on Twitter at twitter.com/awheeler316, e-mail me your thoughts at awheeler316@yahoo.com or just post your comments down below. With that said…

Cause if you rock like me, you’ll always stand your ground. Or something like that. Seriously, the Smackdown theme song is terrible (or to quote “Sarah Marshall” terri-bue).

We open with a recap of the Matt Hardy shenanigans from last week, so why rehash a rehash of what I just rehashed?

And here comes Punk! Strong way to start your show, with your #1 Contender in his spiffy new shirt, available now on WWEShop.gov. The fans are all over Punk. CM says that Long is wrong and that Punk is the better man with ladders. He also is pretty handy with a chair, as we saw him almost break Jeff’s freakin’ neck. Oh yeah, and he won two MITB matches. You don’t need to be a WWE Historian to know that. Is that really a job? Because if so, I wasted three years in law school.

Punk calls the fans slaves to Jeff Hardy and his “in the moment” propaganda. CM Punk then tells us he will no longer bury Hardy because it makes the fans love Jeff. No, instead what Punk is going to do is end Jeff Hardy. So to solve drug abuse and alcoholism all we need is some homicide. Not Homicide because I don’t wanna see an overrated guy wrestle.

CM Punk then says that Jeff isn’t making it to Summerfest and that his injuries are too harsh for him to show up. Wait, this brings out Teddy Long (who I would have thought would have taken umbrage with the “slaves” comment, but I guess his hot button issue is oppressed white boys who do heroin). Teddy chastises Punk and CM feigns horror in a great little heel move. Apparently, Jeff Hardy WILL be here tonight (well…Tuesday) but he can’t wrestle tonight. Jeff has promised Long that he’ll be at Summerfest. Just like he promised his fans twice that he was clean.

Punk calls Long a Jeff Hardy suck-up, and then he talks about beating Morrison tonight and…oh crap here comes Jeff Hardy. Jeff’s dressed like the biggest douchebag in SoHo, wearing a fake military jacket, a dopey hat usually reserved for Mickie James, and enough fake bronzer for him to fail a Wellness Policy drug test. Seriously, those chemicals can’t be good for you.

The crowd chants for Jeff “tanner than Hulk Hogan” Hardy. Hardy takes off his jaunty cap and is IN PUNK’S FACE! Jeff said he will endure the pain in order to win, which should be easy thanks to the multitude of painkillers he can down like Pez since he’ll no longer be subject to drug testing. Hardy then sells his neck that apparently he hurt by yelling. Now that’s a tough guy.

J.R. and Todd Grisham try to get us to believe that “Evil” Kane’s assault on Runjin (not a member of Creative and thus explaining his presence as a manager for a comedy act) Singh. So basically Kane just grabbed Runjin, stomped him off camera and dragged him away like a caveman’s mate. I guess now we’re supposed to care about this feud.

Oh good, Kane has Runjin Singh, which means he’s kept him prisoner all week. The laws of America do not apply when they’re in Canada, I guess, which explains why Kane can falsely imprison a manager and Shawn Michaels can kick a child and neither man is in prison. Oh, and it also explains how Jeff Hardy and his plethora of drugs haven’t been detained. Ah, gotta love Canada’s healthcare system.

Commercial.

Teddy Long is in the back reviewing very important documents. Nice little touch having Teddy’s ringtone be his theme song. Oh, also gotta love that Teddy stood up as soon as he realized it was Vince. I never understood the appeal of the “Vince McMahon forces a GM to shape up or ship out” storyline. It doesn’t add to anything. Wrestling fans like consistency, and Teddy has been a consistent GM for what feels like forever (forever being the last time anyone bothered to mention Rodney Mack). Long, in the casual way everyone does, repeats everything Vince said over the phone back to him. Apparently tonight Jeff Hardy will face the Hart Dynasty in a handicap match. Thankfully, Jeff isn’t John Cena and the Hart Dynasty isn’t Legacy, or else I’d be worried about the WWE jobbing out a tag threat. Oh, who am I kidding, since coming to Smackdown, the Hart Dynasty haven’t been a tag team threat. I mean they lost to Cryme Time, a team of once and future future endeavored talent. Wait, I forgot that Cryme Time is now a threat again, sorry. Cryme Time is an incredible team with a lot of heart and talent, and they will go far in this business. Kinda like what they said about the Spirit Squad before they got fed to two main event superstars who were forming a tag team.

Here comes the directionless Irishman Finlay. I liked Finlay on ECW, as he seemed like a competent main event talent in the ECW standings. Now on Smackdown, Finlay can still have that role as veteran hand who makes young talent better, but I doubt seriously that Fit will get his chance back at the main event picture.

Speaking of young talent who can only improve, here comes Dolph Ziggler. Dolph is the last Spirit Squadder Standing, and hopefully next Sunday Dolph will become the next IC Champ. On a side-note, I love that he rocks the vest. Not enough wrestlers wear vests.

Thankfully Todd Grisham points out that Rey Mysterio isn’t there, which makes me think there were some visa issues. Finlay in the ring is unleashing his “no frills” offense, according to Toddles. Basically this will be the standard Finlay hammers on a young talent who somehow gets the win and shows how tough he is. I stand by my assertion that Ziggler can be the next Randy Savage, but the first thing he needs to fix are his promo skills.

Ziggler hit a sick kick to Finaly’s head against the steel post, which looked mighty impressive. Mountain Man Mike Knox shows up with his insane beard as we go to…
Commercial.

We’re back as Dolph locks in a chinlock while Mike Knox stares them down. I think he’s staring them down, as his hair makes it hard for us to see his eyes. He’s like the 21st Century Captain Caveman. Finlay is now hammering away on Dolph, only for Ziggler to turn it into a neckbreaker. Back to my point before the break, Ziggler needs to fix his promo skills. When he was on commentary on Superstars, he spent way too much time praising Rey Mysterio and talking about how tough a competitor he was. He needs to be the cocky heel who mocks his opponents, not a guy with respect. Respect is for faces. Cocky attitudes and a generally douchey disposition is for heels. Be Budnick from “Salute Your Shorts.” Get it right or pay the price.

Speaking of paying the price, Finlay hit the rolling fireman’s carry for two. Finlay is now delivering a series of clotheslines as Knox still stands there looking shaggy. In a shock to no one, Finlay is still pounding on Ziggler, who gets dumped to the outside. Finlay off the apron delivers a clothesline. For a man his age, he is an insanely hard worker. Fit kicks Knox so Knox hits him with the shillelagh and Dolph Ziggler hits his finishing move for the pin. After the match, Knox comes in and levels Finlay. I guess Fit’s new job is to make this guy a credible main event threat again. I mean how hard could that be?

Knox ends his beatdown by sidewalk-slamming Finlay onto the steel steps. Yep, Finlay’s dead. Oh no, he’s got the microphone. “It’s common knowledge that there are 206 bones in the body.” Really? That’s common knowledge. Apparently Knox’s motives were to cause Finlay pain to one specific region of the back, which leads JR to call him a sadistic doctor. Huh? The last doctor to have a beard like that was Plato.

Crap, we’re in the back with Kane. Apparently Singh is held captive like a terrorist hostage and Singh said he’s been punished for his association with Khali. I’m okay with that. So now we’re ripping off Al Qaeda AND “The Dark Knight”. Topical. Kane invites Khali to show up, which makes no sense since Singh is Khali’s translator and I doubt the Great Khali understood what Kane just said.

Commercial.

Seven times as many people watched SmackDown over ESPN. I’m sure all those who competed in the Junior National Cheerleading Competition were heartbroken to learn that.

Speaking of heartbreak, we get an R-Truth filler package. Give these three minutes to Punk/Morrison and let’s see what they can do.

Melina and Maria are in the back being all girlish and talking about going to LA for Summerfest. Layla shows up in a Cats t-shirt to talk trash about Maria and Dolph. Also apparently Michelle McCool returns next week and Melina has a message that she will deliver to Layla…in the ring! Oh man! Woot!

John Morrison is out next. Wait, what? Why is this not main eventing the show? Why the hell are we getting Jeff Hardy in the main event instead of THIS? Seriously, insanely odd booking. Maybe Glazer was right, whenever I cover a show, the show tends to suck.

Commercial.

Morrison is still in the ring waiting on CM Punk, who we know he has beaten twice. Hmm…one of these guys is main eventing Summerfest and one of these guys doesn’t have a match on PPV. Who’s gonna win?

We again see Punk Pilmanizing Hardy’s neck, just to hammer home how vicious he is. There’s the bell and this should be a good match. These two don’t seem to have bad matches. Toddles calls Morrison part rock star and part acrobat, and officially Grisham delivered the gayest line of the week. Michael Cole will be devastated.

Punk and Morrison trade ground moves to show that they can work a boring WWE-Style match without too many flashy moves. Because flashy moves don’t get you over. The fans love Jeff Hardy for his mat technique. Right?

John Morrison goes for a second rope springboard moonsault for two, then goes for a second rope flying kick. Finally, a little flash as Punk flees to the outside. CM Punk works a solid heel match, and I think the WWE finally found how to get value of him.

Punk now off the second rope delivers two knees onto Morrison on the apron, sending him to the outside. That looked really great, but…

Commercial.

Punk is in the ring with a leg scissor and he…ugh, seriously Toddles…grabbed the match by the throat. Jim Ross calls Punk an artisan of strikes, which is thankfully not a pun. Punk then launches Morrison into the turnbuckles, which Morrison turns into a crossbody.

Jim Ross again reminds us that Morrison is looking to make this 3 and 0. I would be stunned if they bothered to reference in this match that Morrison beat Punk to win his first ECW Title. Shocked partially because it would mean acknowledging ECW, and also shocked because it would mean reminding fans of the night before the Benoit incidents.

Punk and Morrison trade big punches and kicks, which seems to be mildly igniting the fans. I wish Morrison would keep his cocky attitude while still being a face. Right now he’s acting like a happier Dolph Ziggler. Morrison hits the standing moonsault for two, then a flying crossbody for two as Jim Ross invokes the name of Steamboat. Punk delivers the series of chops and kicks. This has been an entertaining match with limited stalling. Punk says it’s naptime, which means Hi-C and cookies. Morrison tries to wiggle out of the GTS so Punk just rams his head into the steel ringpost. I like that heel Punk seems to evolve his moveset to include counters to the counters he normally experiences. It makes him seem smart and cunning. It also allows the crowd to get behind Morrison. John hits a crazy half-nelson lateral press as a counter to pop the audience for two.

Morrison goes for Starship Pain, misses but goes for an Oklahoma Roll for two. Morrison then kicks Punk in the head and drags him to the corner. Punk blocks Starship Pain and Morrison is in the tree of woe. Punk delivers knees with vicious accuracy and goes for the GTS. Yep, goodnight. Wow, what an inventive finish. I also love that the ref forced Punk to relinquish the pin because Punk went for a cheapshot. This was an inventive and fun match. Nothing Earth-shattering, but it told a great story. Two guys who know each other and can counter and counter until there’s finally an opening. Also, there was the subtext that Punk needed to be more vicious in order to beat Morrison. As a final nail in the coffin, Punk mocks Morrison going to sleep.

Tonight Jeff Hardy versus In Action. Guess we couldn’t make a Hart Dynasty graphic. Way to make them look like jobbers.

Commercial.

Melina’s out first and clearly the most bored paparazzi in the world follow her. Seriously, how many times can you take pictures of her doing the same exact thing? Hell, it doesn’t even fit her gimmick anymore.

Melina’s opponent is Layla and we get…really?…another Runjin/Kane segment. I never thought I’d say this, but bring on the Diva match. Kane asks why Khali is a freak, so Runjin reveals that Khali is his brother. Wait…what? Look, I’m all for Kane having something to do and Kane being vicious, but we’ve seen this move a thousand times.

The Diva match has finally started and Layla is pounding on Melina as Jim Ross hopes that Khali finds Runjin in time. Do you think Kane and Runjin had to share a rental car when they got to the arena? Melina does the turnbuckle kick to the head as Jim Ross points out that Melina can do amazing things with her legs. Uh…TV-PG anyone? Layla locks in the STF-like move where Melina’s head is resting on her own foot as Jim Ross again points out that we’ve seen Melina in a lot of interesting positions. Someone tell Mrs. JR to let the guy get a little something, because he sounds repressed.

Melina hits a bulldog off the top rope and then her screeching clothesline. Apparently the message Melina wants to send to Michelle McCool is that she still feels the need to yell every time she hits a move. Layla rolls through a Sunset Flip for a dropkick, but she gets flapjacked for two. The lack of interest the crowd has for this match should be a sign that Melina isn’t a convincing face. Primal Scream (which is apparently the name of her finishing move) ends the match. Super. Short, inoffensive, and no blown spots. Can’t ask for anything more from a Divas match.

Jim Ross threatens to reshow us the DX stuff as Cryme Time come to the ring. I wish the WWE would make up their minds with these guys. They were enhancement talent on RAW, then in a gang with Cena, then enhancement, then Smackdown draftees, then enhancement talent, then “Word Up” segment jokers and now credible #1 Contenders. JTG says that Jericho got “dealt with” last week. Sure. I wish the WWE would have realized how important it was that JTG pinned Jericho. That should elevate these guys, not make them seem like generic tag contenders. I find it odd that they’ve never been tag champs before, but I doubt the WWE is ready to break up JeriShow just yet.

Commercial.

JeriShow is out now, as Big Show will face one of the members of Cryme Time. Apparently it’ll be JTG. How bad must Shad be that he doesn’t get a singles match against either of the talented veterans? Show muscles him down and thankfully Chris Jericho will be on commentary. I love Jericho on commentary. Have I mentioned that enough?

Show goes for a resthold as Jericho points out that upsets happen in sports, but it means nothing come Summerfest. I like it. Jericho reminds us that he destroyed Cena and Big Show is going to flatten JTG. Is it wrong that I wanna see JTG do a Castrol GTX commercial? I wanna see how many random letters we can throw in one spot.

Toddles reminds us that Big Show is the only guy to hold all three big belts, WWE, WCW and ECW. Show catches JTG in midair and launches him outside. Jericho tries to blindside him but Shad shows up to remind us that he’s even there. Shad gets thrown into the steel outside by Jericho as in the ring Big show chokeslams JTG and then locks in the finishing chokehold thing for the win.

JeriShow leaves the ring, but not before Show just kicks JTG. This leads Shad to come outta nowhere to shoulderblock Show off of the apron. Alright then. Glad to see Shad look slightly alive.

Khali shows up in the back to rescue Singh, who was hung by his feet. Kane then shows up with a pipe and leaves him lying in defeat.

Commercial.

DX nonsense again.

Jeff Hardy comes out and Jim Ross says line of the night, “Looking at his eyes, you know something is wrong with him.” Not the most scientific drug test, why sure sounds effective.

Commercial.

The Hart Dynasty are out next and some of the Canadians cheer for the Harts. Jeff hits the corner dropkick on Kidd only for Smith to get tagged in. The Harts do some double-teaming for a while until Kidd regains control. I’m all for making Jeff seem disadvantaged, but this match HAS to be all Hart Dynasty or the WWE runs the risk of ruining a promising tag team. I’m pretty sure in the end Matt Hardy will run in and save his brother to the confusion of everyone, but until then we have to sit through this match.

Thankfully, Hardy’s offense in this match has only come about through mistakes made by the Harts, which is how you make a handicap match work. In the end, Kidd hits the Hart Attack for the win. See, this is GREAT for the Harts. They overmatched Hardy, they dominated and they won. This leads to Punk running to the ring and delivering elbow shots to the helpless Hardy. Morrison makes the save but eats a chairshot.

Punk now has Hardy and is going to re-Pilmanize him but Matt Freakin’ Hardy runs into the ring dressed like 1998 Matt Hardy to beat down Punk. Morrison and Matt eliminate the Harts. Now we’re left with Matt and Jeff alone in the ring. I guess saving Jeff from a Hart beatdown makes up for killing his dog. Gotta love wrestling logiv.

Matt helps Jeff up, and the single most interesting character development of Matt Hardy’s career seems to have ended. My guess is that in the end Matt Hardy will cost Jeff the title at Summerfest, but next week we can have the final Hardy Boys match-up of Jeff’s current run.

In the back, Vince shows up in Teddy’s office and next week we get the six-man tag match. I’m all for the WWE getting the final bang for their buck out of Matt and Jeff.

This has been for your consideration.