Welcome Pulse Readers to tonight’s real-time coverage of WWE RAW! I’ll be here for the next two hours and will be lurking on my Official Twitter page, which is found on the bottom of the live report. I will also be on AIM chatting with various Pulse Wrestling personalities and readers. To chat with us during RAW, click the following link: LIVE RAW CHAT.
We’re live from Calgary, Alberta, Canada and Randy Orton is standing in the ring to open the show. Is he going to announce our guest host? Jerry Lawler says we’re in “bizarro land” tonight and that Canadians think a little bit differently. Anyhow, Randy Orton is out here right now because he has heard rumors that he is a bad character. He bullied Piven last week because he can. Randy doesn’t answer to us and our opinions don’t matter to him. What matters is that he’ll face Cena at Summerslam and he will beat him. He guarantees it and John Cena makes his way out to address the WWE Champion.
John Cena says that every week Orton talks rumors and facts. He leaves some grey area and that makes Cena angry. Cena gets in Orton’s face and shows off some verbal ruthless agression. He is tired of Orton walking around and bullying people. He tells Orton that if he wants to bully someone, to bully him instead. Cena asks Orton if he’s going to do something about it and the two glare at each other. Orton backpedals away and we’re interrupted by Big Show and Chris Jericho.
Big Show says that this is amusing. The Canadian crowd chants Y2J while Big Show breathes intimidation into everyone. That’s because his breath smells like Shaq’s jock strap according to Cena. The tag champions are out here tonight because Chris Jericho is “home”. Cena finishes the Canada joke, saying that Jericho migrated to the U.S. Jericho cuts to the chase and he was in a meeting with Sgt. Slaughter. He wants to do something he never done before. He wants to face Cena one-on-one. Orton promises Cena a punt in the head after his match tonight. But, Orton has to get past Big Show before that happens.
Sgt. Slaughter poses and Triple H searches for his lost love tag team partner.
Commercials.
We’re back and it’s time for the divas!
#1 Contendership to the Diva’s Title: Kelly Kelly v. Alicia Fox v. Gail Kim v. Beth Phoenix
The bell sounds and Alicia Fox goes off on Gail Kim, while Beth Phoenix takes it to Kelly Kelly. The divas trade falls galore and that is stopped by a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker from Alicia Fox to Gail Kim. Kelly Kelly gets on the wrong end of a 2-on-1 until Gail Kim gets a missile dropkick for one. Kelly gets hung up on the top rope by Gail Kim, but Beth Phoenix picks BOTH Gail and Kelly up for a double torture rack. Alicia Fox sweeps the leg and she pays for it when they face off. Alicia takes herself out of the match and Gail Kim hits a speedy torpedo on Beth Phoenix. Gail takes out Alicia on the outside. Kelly goes for a springboard, but Beth dumps her onto the apron. Crossbody by Kelly to both Gail and Alicia. Beth takes to the ropes, but Alicia drops the legs and Beth has to be hurt. Kelly leaps into a dropkick back to the outside. Gail hits something that looks like a boot to the jaw, while snapping the arm. That gets the three count.
Winner: Gail Kim
Grade: B-
Sgt. Slaughter makes his way onto the stage. He respects the neighbors of the north, so he leads the fans to a salute of the Canadian Flag. The flag shows up and we get the quick heel turn for Sgt. Slaughter. Asshole chants for Sgt. Slaughter. He demands the Canadian crowd to salute the American Flag.
Commercials.
We recap Triple H promising to find someone. It seems that Shawn has a new profession and we’ll see that tonight.
Rubber Match: Jack Swagger v. Evan Bourne
The bell sounds and Swagger starts things off with a knee to the gut. Bourne gets a drop toe hold and Swagger goes out of the ring to distance himself. Big mistake as Bourne gets both of his knees to Swagger’s chest. Back inside…KNEE TO THE SPINE BY SWAGGER! Swagger stretches Bourne’s back and he transitions to a backdrop, but Bourne gets out of it. Kick to the thigh and Bourne connects with a low dropkick. Clothesline gets two for Bourne. Bourne goes topside, but Swagger is too quick. Swagger catches Bourne, but Bourne gets an inside cradle for two. Knee to the jaw by Bourne and he takes it to Swagger in the corner. Swagger powers out and he hits the Gutwrench Powerbomb. That’s all, folks.
Winner: Jack Swagger
Grade: C
Swagger gets a microphone and he returns to the ring. He pimps himself and the clock’s tickin’. MVP makes his way out on the stage. He says that the Canadians are booing Swagger because he is an idiot. He proposes Swagger v. MVP tonight, but Swagger wants to wait until next week. Not good enough as MVP knocks him on his ass.
Commercials.
Earlier today: Triple H shows up at some office building and he asks if Shawn’s ribbing him. He hits on a random gay man that looked a lot like Shawn Michaels. Meanwhile, someone rings the bell hastily and Shawn Michaels in a chef’s hat asks her to hold on a moment. Wow. Wow. Wow. “Hey Hunter”, he says.
Sgt. Slaughter was only kidding earlier as wants to bring out Celine Dion. She’s not available so we get Jillian Hall butchering the Canadian National Anthem.
Commercials.
We’re back and Vince Russo must be on borrow from TNA.
Contract on a Pole: Eugune v. “Calgary Kid”
Lance Storm this is. Calgary Kid proves to us that Eugune is still retarded, but he gets hit with the Rock Bottom. People’s Elbow hits as well. Eugune gets close to the contract, but the Calgary Kid stops him. He dumps him and he claims the contract.
Winner: Calgary Kid
Grade: F
Calgary Kid unmasks and it’s the Miz instead. I got swerved and so did everyone in the live RAW chat. Hilarty ensues.
Commercials.
Last Week on RAW: Big Show beats Kofi Kingston to a pole for not listening to the referee.
Non-Title: Randy Orton v. Big Show
The bell sounds and Orton plays the match strategically. That fails as Big Show blocks a punch and hits a headbutt. Orton is reeling in the corner as Show toys with him. Headlock by Show as he tries to suplex Orton, but he pushes him in the corner instead. Headbutt again and Big Show steps ON THE THROAT! Knee to the face and he steps on Orton’s chest. Orton gets tossed like a ragdoll and he scampers to the corner. Chop to Orton and he falls out of the ring. Big Show follows and he brings Orton back inside. Orton tries to get back in the match and he does with a thumb in the eye. SPIKE DDT CONNECTS! Orton covers for two. Orton stomps around Big Show before dropping a flying knee. The viper looks to strike and the RKO is countered to a slam. Orton gets chokeslammed and Orton gets his foot on the rope before three. Big Show is enraged and he readies his right hand. He misses and Orton decides to take a countout loss.
Winner via Countout: Big Show
Grade: D+
Back to Texas and Shawn says that he is a chef. Shawn doesn’t want to get involved with Triple H’s problems because some of the people respect him. All except the child brat. Trips tries to get Shawn to come back, but he isn’t having any of it. He is happy and the grill is on fire. He loses the smile.
Commercials.
Did You Know: WWE.com > UFC.com and a few other sites.
M.V.P. v. Chris Masters
MVP takes it to Masters, but Masters turns it around BY SWEEPING THE LEG ON THE MIDDLE TURNBUCKLE! MVP to the ropes…DROPKICK by Masters! Masters mat wrestling? Awesome! Knee to the spine connects and Masters wears MVP down. Masters runs into a monkey flip by MVP and he takes his shots. MVP drops the knee to his face and it’s…time…to…go…BALLIN’ MVP goes for the Yakuza kick, but Masters attempts the Masterlock…MVP gets out of it and hits the Playmaker for the win!
Winner: MVP (Author’s Note: How did I screw this up)
Grade: D
Swagger makes his way out to the ring and MVP is ready. Masters is back up and he locks on the Masterlock on MVP! Swagger hits MVP with the Gutwrench Powerbomb and he is down. Am I the only one that would enjoy a Masters/Swagger tag team?
Recap of Jeremy Piven everywhere last week is shown.
Commercials.
Back to Texas we go and Trips is behind the counter trying to talk Shawn to come back. The boss comes over and calls Shawn “Hickenbottom” The boss berates Shawn some more and he gets kicked in the jaw. He’s in. The little girl comes back to complain and he superkicks her for the hell of it, but we don’t get to see that. The grill catches on fire again and they leave it.
DX is back.
Sgt. Slaughter is back on the stage and he thanks the fans for being great sports tonight. He has another token of appreciation…He goes to bring back Bret Hart…but of course this is a ploy and we get “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan. He parades down the ramp with the US Flag and we go to break.
Commercials.
Time for some tag team action! Before this happens, Chavo isn’t able to compete due to being injured by Mark Henry last week. He found a replacement tag team and they are Legacy.
Hornswoggle & Mark Henry v. Legacy
The bell sounds and DiBiase locks up with Henry. He gets taken down and he tags out to Rhodes. Henry lets Rhodes get a free punch and he gets dropped to the canvas. Rhodes evades a squash and he tags in DiBiase. They trade off tags and Henry is reeling. Double Suplex by Legacy is countered by a suplex on BOTH MEN by Henry. Henry takes down DiBiase and Rhodes. Dropkick doesn’t faze Henry and he hits the World’s Strongest Slam! Tag to Hornswoggle and the Tadpole Splash misses. Rhodes take out Henry and DiBiase hits Dream Street on Hornswoggle for the win.
Winners: Legacy
Grade: F
Legacy gets on a mic and he confirms the reformation of DX. Legacy is ready to face DX at Summerslam and it will be the shortest comeback in WWE History. Cody Rhodes mocks DX a bit and we go backstage. Josh Matthews is with Chris Jericho and he promises to beat Cena tonight for the first time ever. Big Show is mad because Randy Orton ran away from him. Jericho talks as if no one hears him and he proves that he American. He calls the Canadian Crowd hypocrites…HAHAHA! Josh comes back and he says that they are still on the air. The look on Jericho’s face is priceless.
Commercials.
We’re back and our guest host next week is former WWE Creative Member, Freddie Prinze, Jr.
Main Event: John Cena v. Chris Jericho
But first…Commercials.
Jericho and Cena lock up and he takes Cena down in a shoulderblock. Jericho schoolboys Cena for two. He goes for the Walls and Cena takes a powder. Back inside the ring, they lock up again. We get a break in the corner and Cena locks up again. Jericho is in a headlock. He gets out of it, but he eats a shoulder. Side headlock takedown by Cena and we get a resthold. Jericho gets back up and he ducks a flying shoulder tackle. Baseball slide connects to Cena and he lands out of the ring. Jericho comes for the attack, but he takes it back in the ring. Cena comes back with the rights, but we go pillar to post and Cena misses the charge. Jericho drops the elbow into a pin for two. Jericho stretches the nostrils and he locks on a headlock. Cena tries to get up and break the hold and is successful. They trade off rights and Cena hits the shoulder tackle. Protobomb connects and he goes for the Five Knuckle Shuffle, but Jericho catches Cena for two. Attitude Adjustment is countered to another rollup for two. Lionsault misses and Cena rolls through a crossbody attempt. Attitude Adjustment attempt is reversed to the Walls! Cena isn’t going to tap. Jericho pulls Cena away from the ropes, but Cena reverses into the STF! Orton comes in and the match is thrown out!
No Contest
Grade: C+
Orton stares at Cena and Cena eats the Codebreaker. Jericho attacks Orton and Orton dispatches Jericho. Big Show comes out and he chokeslams Randy Orton. Sgt. Slaughter comes out and he makes a tag match for next week. Big Show & Chris Jericho v. John Cena & Randy Orton. Cena and Orton team up and take out Big Show. Cena has Jericho up for the Attitude Adjustment, but Orton hits the RKO from the clutches!
Show Over.
The WWE RAW Report Card
John Cena v. Chris Jericho went to a No Contest: C+
Legacy d. Mark Henry & Hornswoggle: F
MVP d. Chris Masters: D
Big Show d. Randy Orton: D+
The Miz d. Eugune: F
Jack Swagger d. Evan Bourne: C
Gail Kim d. Alicia Fox, Kelly Kelly, & Beth Phoenix: B-
The Final Grade for WWE RAW: D+
Well, this isn’t making me excited for Summerslam on the RAW side. On the flip side, Sgt. Slaughter was good in his role and it wasn’t too annoying unlike last week. The soap opera bits with Trips and Shawn were overdone, but most DX segments are overdone, so I can’t complain. This week was better than the FTS grade from last week (which by the way is worse than a “F”). I will be back later this week, so have a good one.
