Junk News, Huzzah!


Huge week in wrestling news. So many stories, it’s hard to pick one to put at the top. Immigration problems, Nigel jumping ship, Tyler Reks avoiding arrest after what he did to that little boy… it’s so hard to pick one. I haven’t even seen Raw yet, so who knows what’s going to happen with that. Well, let’s start with that we have.

Angelina Love, one time wrestler for the hopefully soon to be defunct TNA wrestling organization, was working in the United States without the proper visa. Wow. Just… I mean… you all know about my book, “Wrestling With The American Dream: How Canadians Illegally Infiltrated the United States Through Professional Wrestling.” Everyone laughed at me. Widro. Daniels. Glazer. Paul something. They all called me a paranoid nutcase, hoping to get my name into the spotlight of the immigration debate by attacking the wrong border. I’ll admit, I said some truly horrible things about the Hart family, things you can’t take back. I might have accused Bret Hart of being the importation of Canadian sex slaves turned WWE Diva Search contestants. I might have call Chris Benoit a ticking time bomb, though I admit I thought his crime would be letting his visa expire. But now, I have been proven correct. Angelina Love was sneaking into my country to wrestle and commit acts of terrorism. Who knows how many people died due to TNA’s lack of checking their wrestlers for foreign blood at least twice a day? How many more must die before we say no to the Angelina Loves, the Eric Youngs, the Robert Roodes, and especially The Miz, The Calgary Kid? We must build a metaphoric fence along the border of the wrestling industry and keep out these terrorists.

I don’t expect everyone to agree with me. There are liberal terrorist lovers out there who love terrorists. “Come on in El Generico! Please, Kevin Steen, bomb an airport!” I have heard liberals say this again and again and I am sick of it! Liberals, how about you stop wiping your ass with the American flag and do something productive, like screaming at a Canadian professional wrestler to go home or writing your Congressman or, ugh, woman and telling him that you are sick and tired of Canadians being allowed into our fertile lands to pretend to fight? Angelina Love might have had a nice butt, but that butt was taking the job of another AMERICAN wrestler with a nice butt and unlike the Canadian the hypothetical American wouldn’t be thinking about how to bring down our country!

You know, I might just be a moron with a 4th grade education, but I know this much: Foreigners should not be allowed into our country, no matter how much our Kenyan President might love them, and they should not be allowed to wrestle. Angelina Love, if you’re reading this, and I’m pretty sure you are cause last week the hit count went up by 1 (11!), America is for Americans! These colors don’t run!

And a big welcome to Nigel McGuiness finally joining the WWE! We here at Insidepulse can’t wait for him to get the DJ Gabriel treatment. Maybe he and Danielson can lose a handicapped match to Triple H. 1997 forevz!

There is a rumor going around now that WWE is interested in signing away even more top ROH stars, like… um… they got Danielson… and Punk… and McGuiness… missed the boat on Joe… umm… uh…. Oh! Bryan Danielson! I almost forgot him.

It’s pretty obvious what happened here. Everyone was talking up CM Punk and the bigwigs in WWE were convinced he’d never measure up to their typical steroid filled carved from wood star. Now that he has, ROH wrestlers will be the flavor of the month for a bit. Once they decide that Danielson looks ridiculous fighting anyone but Hornswoggle, they’ll try something else. Probably female midgets.

So, Big Show got into a backstage fight with the Great Khali. The Big Show slipped on a bag and Khali mounted him and started slapping him. The Undertaker stepped in to separate them but couldn’t. Then Joey Styles walked in and knocked all three out with one punch. Then he made JBL go get him a sandwich.

“John Cena is featured on the cover of the latest issue of WWE Magazine, which hits newsstands today. In the issue, Cena reveals what “Hustle, Loyalty, Respect” means.” Great. So that mystery is solved. Now then, what is the central truth of ‘Sorry for your damn luck’?

This is from an interview Matt Morgan did with Alfonso Castillo at Newsday.com on the topic of the Internet Wrestling Community. “And now were in a day and age where they’re so – and I don’t know why – they’re so into negativity. It’s like, you read Star Magazine or you read People Magazine. Negativity on the magazine rack, it may sell. But on the Internet, it’s almost like they follow suit too much. There’s never a positive story. Very rarely do you see a positive story. That’s why I never read the Internet and I never will. Cornette taught me that my first year in the business. And I said, “Why?” Because it’s so darn negative. If you’re a young kid – I have 17-year-olds who have talked to me about ratings. Now, I’m sorry, but when I was 17 I was nothing thinking about ratings as a wrestling fan. I was thinking about going to see my favorite wrestler. I was thinking about things like that. I think the NWO was about to get hot at that time. That’s what I was thinking about – not about the ratings crap, and not about like being overly negative.”

Matt Morgan is right! Oh my God. What have we been doing all this time? Focusing on the ratings and other bad things? Where are the stories about how my favorite part of TNA, Alex Shelley, got pushed to the moon for being a great wrestler who gives hilarious promos? Where are the stories about all of the rich older wrestlers who didn’t have heart attacks from steroids and die before the age of 50? Where are the stories about the TNA Champion being commended by the police for catching a stalker while driving around in his car with Hungry Gary Hart? Where are the stories about Matt Morgan breaking his legs and being forced to retire from professional wrestling? Where are those uplifting, positive stories?

To be fair, he also said, “A lot of the fans want to see – I don’t want to say the live crowd – but the Internet side of the community of wrestling fans want to see a lot of the flippy-doos.” I like that. Mr. Morgan, I commend you for the use of the term flippy-doos. Use it on camera and I’ll stop noting how terrible you are and how you obviously use tons of steroids.

In a positive story for TNA, The Hart Dynasty is bitching to the press about how pissed they are they don’t have a match at the submission PPV held in their hometown. So yay for TNA! Tyson Kidd’ll fit right into the X-Division.

Bob Barker was great on RAW. Just great. He was more natural in the role than any of the big name actors who have done it. Unfortunately, due to twitter chatter about his role on the show people began to think he was dead. He will be missed.

I almost forgot! Tyler Reks, ECW Superstar and douchebag extraordinaire, wants to remind people to spit at him if you see him on the street. A wrestler/surfer/human toilet, Tyler Reks should be kept away from children.

Let’s spoil Smackdown and run for the exit.

The Undertaker came out and cut a promo about how he was going to win the title at Breaking Point. CM Punk interrupted him to say, “Yes. You are going to win the title at Breaking Point.” The two men stared at each other until Undertaker tried to correct Punk, saying, “You were supposed to say that you are going to keep the title at Breaking Point.” CM Punk looks surprised and says, “Oh! So now you think I’m going to beat you at Breaking Point?” Undertaker looks confused for a minute, then waves his arms to make his pyro go off. Unfortunately, nothing happens. So Undertaker just waves his arms for awhile.

Mike Knox fights Finlay in a Belfast Brawl. So they get really drunk and sing together until one says something about the other’s pa.

Layla captures video footage of Michelle McCool hitting on Dolph Ziggler. There are people on the Internet saying that this is dumb, that the fact they’re on camera has played a part in WWE storylines over the years. You always see a guy watching on the backstage monitor and stuff. But this is different. How? Shut up, that’s how!

The Great Khali fights DH Smith in a, “So, you wanted to bitch about how you’re not on the PPV?” match. The Kane comes out and feels his presence made.

Teddy Long promises a surprise that will change the face of Smackdown next week. I don’t know about you, but I’m crossing my fingers and hoping for Hornswoggle!

John Morrison fights Chuck Haas, then cuts a promo about Rey Mysterio and is interrupted by Dolph Ziggler, now known as Pretty Ziggly. Pretty Ziggly talks about eating watermelon and having sex with white women. It’s a high point.

Layla kicks the crap out of Melina. Just beats her brutally.

R Truth demands a match with Drew McIntyre. Drew McIntyre comes out and demands a haggis. HA! A haggis. Why would a pro wrestler demand a haggis? What brilliant and irreverent comedy from the king of it.

CM Punk kicks the tits off Matt Hardy and Anaconda vice’s him to establish the move. Well, now I want to buy the PPV. Now that I’ve seen the Anaconda Vice that CM Punk will never get close to getting on the Undertaker.

Comment below, unless you have something mean to say. I don’t like mean things.

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