The Way Too Long Review of WWE Summerslam 2009

Before I get started, I’m going to take the time to shamelessly plug the work myself along with many more-talented writers and professional wrestlers are doing at the Wrestling Press.

http://www.thewrestlingpress.com

By now I’m hoping my readers here have downloaded my podcast, the TWP Pass, which you can find at thewrestlingpress.com, in the i-Tunes store, or coming soon here at Pulse.  I’m new to this podcast stuff and there are still some technical issues to work out, but if you enjoy my against-the-grain commentary from my Way Too Long Reviews, you’ll be sure to enjoy the types of topics I address in the TWP Pass.  This week, I discussed the ROH Exodus to the WWE and why Nigel McGuiness and Bryan Danielson face a tougher road to the top then CM Punk did.  The TWP Pass is the first of many audio features that will be done at the Pass, in collaboration with Pulse Wrestling.  I also answer listener e-mails and no topic is taboo, so if you have a question that you want discussed fire one off to charlie@thewrestlingpress.com.  My podcast will, for the most part, only cover WWE happenings, but we’re looking into bringing in guys to discuss TNA and ROH happenings as well.

Along with my stuff, the Wrestling Press is easily the best monthly publication for professional wrestling anywhere out there.  It’s free, and it trumps anything that cost $4.99 or more an issue in stores.  And I’m not just saying that because I write for it (though my articles are only bi-monthly).  I am actually humbled that I was invited into the company before they launched their first issue, especially considering how new I was to Pulse at the time.  This is the type of magazine that I’ve wanted to read for years, as it caters to smart fans without glad-handing them, and we also offer a wide variety of opinions and views.  I admit, I didn’t know if anyone would actually read it.  Then I discovered that people were discussing my article on John Cena in forums I had never attended before.  More shocking was that I had as many people agreeing with me as disagreeing.  Someone took the middle road and said that I was a genius and an idiot.  I’ve heard the same thing about Einstein, so I’ll take what I can get.

The industry seems to like us as well, and we’re getting more wrestlers actually joining our team, including Mike Modest, who will be a regular contributor starting with issue three.  Scott Keith has a monthly feature that is absolutely hilarious, easily his best stuff since he became disillusioned by the current product.  In issue three, he’ll be naming 15 essential DVDs for the Holiday season, along with 5 non-essential ones.  That sounds a bit more serious then the stuff he has been doing with TWP, but I’m guessing there will be plenty of laughs to be had.

I especially have high hopes for TWP’s “WrestleTV” concept.  There are a lot of independent promotions out there that have been uploading their stuff to youtube, and maybe don’t get the attention they deserve.  If that’s the case, send us your stuff and we’ll put it on Wrestle TV and expose it to the kind of audience you’re looking for.  Hopefully in the future this will include hosting entire weekly episodes of independent territories.  If you have non-backyard wrestling stuff that you want posted on WrestleTV, send your matches to ed@thewrestlingpress.com and we’ll happily add it in.  We’ll also promote your local shows in the magazine and on the website.  For those readers in the UK, that includes your stuff as well.  You work hard to put on your shows, and we are more then happy to make sure people know it.

I’m lucky.  I was hired onto Pulse and on to TWP at roughly the same time and have been having a blast since.  Both staffs don’t take themselves too seriously and know that we’re here to entertain you guys and to offer you the news and commentary you want without being so damn uptight about it.  So hopefully you guys will continue to enjoy the stuff Pulse offers, and now the stuff that TWP will offer as well.  Pretty good timing on my part, I must say.  Plus having front-row seats into Brad Curran’s decent into madness is fun.  But if one of his upcoming news items reads “all work and no play make Brad a dull boy” then run for your fucking lives.

August 23, 2009 from Los Angeles, CA.  I think they officially lost the title “City of Angels” when they started tipping over police cars because their NBA team won a championship.  I guess changing their name to “Los Douchebags” would be too crude though, so I’ll let it slide.

-For the first time in many years, the opening video package is actually worth watching, as DX shows up while it’s being screened and cracks wise on it.  Sure, it’s a blatant rip-off of the theater scene from Gremlins 2 (right down to doing a shadow-puppet of Abraham Lincoln) but it’s still good.  Maybe a minute too long.

Match #1: Intercontinental Championship
(c) Rey Mysterio vs. Dolph Ziggler
REHASH OF: Night of Champions 2009

Yep, I’m keeping track of how stale this stuff is.  Dolph brawls Rey to the corner and kicks at him.  Rey turns it around and smacks at him.  Shoot off by Ziggler and a powerslam for two.  School-boy with a handful of tights for two.  More kicking to the corner, then a whip to the corner is reverses by Rey.  He charges and gets flung onto the top rope by Ziggler, sticks the landing and fires off a diving moonsault for two.  The WWE decides that nothing that will happen in the next ten seconds will top that so they show a replay of it instead of showing Dolph shooting off Rey, lowering his head into a kick, and getting low-bridged out of the ring.  Instant replay works for other sports because they have time-outs and moments where the action stops.  Wrestling does too, but we just FUCKING SAW THAT MOVE HAPPEN TEN SECONDS AGO!  Save the replay of it for when we have a double-knockout.  Back to the match, where Rey hits a rana off the apron that wipes out Ziggler and a cameraman.  Rey kicks at him and tosses him in the ring, and it’s time for another replay.  Booyah, go WWE production cunts!  Three cheers!  Rey climbs, Dolph climbs with him and gets knocked off, and then Rey almost dies when he misjudges the distance between himself and Ziggler and shorts it.  Ziggler is supposed to catch but misses and Rey lands on his head.  Ziggler, to his credit, covers well by quickly picking Rey off the floor and powerbombing him into the corner.  That gets two.  Ziggler is doing double-knucklelock pins on Mysterio, so we go to the THIRD REPLAY of the match, this time of the powerbomb.

This is beyond ridiculous and has to stop.  Apparently the WWE actually does listen when the fans complain about production issues.  They ended the asinine blood censoring for WWE On Demand because so many people wrote in and complained.  So let’s take care of the next biggest production issue: showing replays of shit that just happened five seconds ago.  I’ve written a sample letter that you can send.  Here you go.

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Dear WWE,

We understand that pressing buttons is a fun activity for those poor ‘gifted’ souls among us that seem to make up your production staff.   However, their constant pushing of the ‘instant replay’ button, pretty as it may be on the control panel, is messing with our ability to sit back and watch the match we paid good money to see.  You might not realize this, but there is this whacky new invention called DVR that allows a person to rewind a show that is in progress in case we either miss something or want to see something that just happened again.  And this DVR thing has been in use by every major cable and satellite television provider for a couple years now and has penetrated more then 50% of the market.  There are rumors that this so-called ‘rewind’ function is also possible on the shinny discs that you guys issue your pay per views on, DVDs or something like that, and that would allow people to watch those moments again if they so wish to.  In other words, your instant replays that constantly cause viewers to miss the live action are completely antiquated and unnecessary in this modern world.  Please only save the instant replay function for periods when both wrestlers are ‘knocked out’ or if there is some kind of delay in the match where no action is currently happening.  If necessary, paint the instant replay button on the control panel a non-attractive color (like, say, pale green or mud brown) to discourage your staff from pressing it.  Failing down, you might want to look into shock collars.

Love _______________________________
PS: Seriously, cut it the fuck out or I’ll quit buying your DVDs/PPVs and start downloading them illegally or watching pirated streams of them off of Justin.tv like everyone else does these days.

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If you feel the need, you can de-smartass it, but do send them a note on it.  The link is…

https://secure.wwe.com/forms/help/show.php

Send it to Jim Ross too.  Flood his blog with it.  Not that I expect him to do anything about it.  He’ll just respond with his usual snotty sarcasm and then go back to hocking his barbeque sauce.  But if anyone is ripe for a good old fashioned e-mail flooding, it’s him.  The big fat jerk.  I don’t know why he doesn’t just retire already.  He sounds bored out there every night and shows thinly-concealed contempt for many of his fans on his blog.  He doesn’t strike me as a happy guy.  Maybe he should look into Zoloft or something.

Back to the match.  Mysterio kicks out of the double-knucklelock pin, so Ziggler slaps on a chinlock and works the hold like the pro that he is.  He then picks up Mysterio and hits a side-slam for two.  To the corner, where Ziggler hits his “flip the sweat off my face and onto opponent and drop an elbow” spot that I’m guessing will catch on as his comedy spot ala the People’s Elbow, and it gets two.  Back to the chinlock.  Mysterio fights out so Ziggler whips him to the corner, then charges into a drop-toehold.  Mysterio builds up momentum off the ropes and charges into a HUGE clothesline for two.  Gutbuster gets two.  And now back to the chinlock, with body-scissors.  Ziggler is showing a lot of improvement in a relatively short amount of time, but he had to change up the rest-holds.  Ziggler tries to cut off Rey’s comeback and shoots him to the corner, but he misses a charge and wipes out on the turnbuckle.  Seated senton by Mysterio, then he rolls through a sunset flip and hits a buzzsaw kick for two.  Mysterio springs off the ropes but Ziggler meets him with a dropkick for two.  Reversal sequence leads to Mysterio going for a snap-rana, but Ziggler sits down on it for two.  Lex Luger style running forearm gets two.  Mysterio gets an enziguri to set up the 619, but Ziggler gets out of harms way and trips Rey up.  Rocker Dropper by Dolph gets two.  Rey goes for a head scissors, fights off a counter and turns it into a rollup for two.  Ziggler hoists Rey up on his shoulder, but Rey turns it into a tornado DDT for two.  Dropkick by Rey sets him up to hit the 619.  Mysterio air-balls his dead man’s splash and Ziggler quickly shoots the half and gets two.  Ziggler ends up winning the majority of the fans over and they drown out counter-chants for Rey Mysterio.  Both guys are getting gassed, but Ziggler gets a second wind and charges Rey into the corner.  Ziggler kicks Rey down on the apron, then goes for an exploding gutbuster off the second ropes, but Mysterio fires off a rana for the pin.
****1/4 Dolph Ziggler has arrived.  Right off the bat these guys top anything that Night of Champions had to offer.  I actually immediately re-watched this match to make sure that I wasn’t off my rocker with this score.  After getting thrown into a rage by the overuse of instant replays only minutes into the match, I figured I made a mistake.  I didn’t.  These guys cut a really good pace and set themselves out to make a contender out of Ziggler.  Mission accomplished.

What a Cinderella story in Ziggler.  Here’s a guy who was considered one of the untalented guys on the Spirit Squad.  He goes away for a couple years and comes back repackaged with what seemed to me and most everyone else a terrible gimmick that would never get over as anything but a comedy jobber.  He also looks a lot like Billy Gunn, and thus logically wouldn’t be able to get over even if he entered the ring via a jetpack.  Instead, he strives for improvement, apparently works hard to impress those who one would need to impress in order to advance in the company, and busts his ass night in and night out.  And now he’s a contender, legitimized by the fans and not by the creative team.  There’s no better way to make it as a star.  And despite the fact that he’s still rough around the edges, he already knows enough to cover his mistakes without looking like he’s in a panic.  He’s green, but he certainly doesn’t look lost in the ring like many newcomers in his position have over the years.  And he’s still new.  Given his run so far, there’s no question that he’ll get even better.  He’s a man who clearly strives for improvement.  It’s obviously too soon in his career to make any bold predictions, but I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that he will be in the upper-tier of the roster one day.  In recent years the WWE has had a lot of rising stars that felt manufactured or artificial to me.  Mr. Kennedy or Bobby Lashley, for example.  Hell, even Randy Orton or John Cena.  Ziggler’s progression, on the other hand, feels completely authentic.  It’s a natural climb, the way wrestling should work.  Please don’t fuck it up, Dolph.  You have the right stuff.

-Meanwhile, MVP and Biff Tannen get interviewed.  People bitch about Swagger having a lisp.  Ummm… Ric Flair?  Dusty Rhodes?  Nah, nobody with a lisp could ever get over in wrestling.  Swagger blows himself, then talks about MVP being an ex-con.  MVP is pissed about that but lacks the talent to express it.  He calls Swagger a spoiled athlete and talks about how Jack was fighting for a trophy in the NCAA, while he was fighting for his life in prison.  Yeah right.  You know where he got the name MVP?  In prison… only there it stood for “Most Vivacious Prag.”  Horrible promo all around.  Swagger looks like a bully but doesn’t have the mic skills to carry it outside of the ring and thus they should either get him a mouthpiece or let him have a kick at the can as a babyface.

Match #2
Jack Swagger vs. M.V.P.

Back in April the WWE moved Jack Swagger to Raw with the apparent aim of putting him in stasis and ending whatever heat he had building on himself.  Mission accomplished, because the fans don’t react to him at all.  MVP also fails to get anything but a polite reaction.  Regardless of what I think of the talent of any wrestler, without a lively crowd a match will suffer.  The only match I can think of that beat back a crowd that wasn’t interested was the Mankind/Michaels match from Mind Games.  Los Angeles can be pretty hit-and-miss as far as crowd reaction goes.  Watch any Wrestlemania from LA for evidence of that.  But without the crowd that’s lively, it’s hard to pace your match out and get into a good rhythm.

To the match.  Swagger tries to get an amateur takedown but MVP gets a sunset flip for one.  Swagger kicks but misses a charge in the corner and MVP gets a clothesline and a sidewalk slam.  He calls for the ballin’ elbow to a mixture of sarcastic applause and hate hooing.  Swagger rolls out of the ring and the fans turn on the match.  MVP hits a plancha that draws less of a reaction then the boos for Swagger’s bail did, which is proof that the bail spot was negative heat.  Swagger puts MVP on the top rope, then sweeps him off the rope in a nasty snap-bump.  Oklahoma Stampede in the corner, which MVP nearly breaks his neck bumping from, then a few stiff shots to his back.  MVP gets a backelbow, but then walks into an abdominal stretch.  This is not going to fire up the crowd.  Clothesline by Swagger for two and two.  We go to a camel clutch.  MVP struggles for a bit, then turns it into an electric chair for two and a double-KO.  Elbows by MVP and a big melee punch, then the facebuster and he calls for the ballin’ elbow again.  This time the fans don’t shit on him, and it gets two.  He sets up for the playmaker, but Swagger tosses him into the turnbuckle and school-boys him with a handful of tights for two.  Ram into the corner by Swagger, then he goes for the springing splash and eats MVP’s knees.  Running boot and the playmaker by MVP finishes.
* It seems like this was a case of two guys panicking when the fans didn’t react to them, so they rushed into the opening of the match with high spots.  That rarely works.  I feel bad for both guys that they were put on this card because neither was over enough to justify a match on the show in front of the notoriously fickle LA crowd.  It was a lost cause right out of the starting gate.  And I’m seeing Jack Swagger’s future looking less bright every time he wrestles.  Of course, at this point in his career he should be getting matched up with guys who can help him improve in the ring, and MVP is not that guy.

-Meanwhile, to eat up time in this $40 to $50 pay-per-view ($14.99 on DVD), we talk about the shit with the guest hosts on Raw.  This leads to Nancy O’Dell of Access Hollywood getting hate-hooed by the fans while she shills her ALS charity.  She brings in Freddie Prinze Jr. and they bullshit about nothing.

Match #3: Tag Team Championship
(c) Chris Jericho & The Big Show vs. Cryme Tyme

Love Jerishow’s new music.  Big Show is apparently undefeated at Summerslam.  Jericho grabs a microphone and calls all celebrities parasites, just like the fans.  He’s not a celebrity, however, he’s a universal superstar.  Jericho’s hyperbolic promos are fucking amazing anymore.  He’s got my vote for best on the microphone in 2009.  Big Show is handed the microphone but gets cut off by Cryme Tyme.  Fans hate hoo them.  Man, tough crowd.  Sometimes the fans playfully cheer the heels and boo the babyfaces.  These fans tonight aren’t being playful.  They’re hostile.  Jericho starts with JTG and gets a clothesline off a lockup.  Shoot off and JTG gets a backelbow and a reverse blockbuster for two.  Jericho fires off an elbow to stagger JTG to the corner.  A headbutt and a ram into the corner by Jericho, followed by a Walls attempt.  Jericho can’t get it on, so launches him with a catapult instead.  JTG lands in the corner and comes off with a seated senton for two.  JTG tries to pull Jericho into the center of the ring but eats a big punch.  Tag to Big Show, who asserts his authority by standing on JTG’s leg.  Skillet chop in the corner, then a prolonged head-lock.  Punch to the gut by Show, then another skillet chop.  Shoot to the corner but JTG gets a foot up and tags in Shad.  He slugs it out, and isn’t that much shorter then Show.  Press-slam to Jericho, which gives Show time to fire off a spear.  Show stands on Shad’s head, then we get a long replay and miss all the action in the ring.  Show skillet chops Shad, then tags Jericho who gets some free shots in.  Arrogant kicks by Jericho, then he charges into a big boot.  Jericho is up first and knocks JTG off the apron, drawing him in and distracting referee.  Sadly, the heels don’t cheat enough.  Tag to Show who puts on a full-nelson, then casually slams Shad down and out of it.  Jericho comes in and misses an elbowdrop.  Jim Ross’ commentary is so emotionless and generic that it sounds like they used clips from a video game.  Chinlock by Jericho, then knees to the gut, but Shad gets a powerslam to lead to a double-knockout.  Cold tag to JTG, who’s a house of fire.  Flipping clothesline for Jericho, plus a dropkick and his ‘mug shot’ facebuster.  JTG hangs up Big Show, then hits his gnarly twisting neckbreaker thing.  Shad takes himself and Show out of the picture with a 360 clothesline, but Jericho ends up getting the Walls on JTG.  Shad is nowhere to be seen, but JTG drags himself to the ropes.  Jericho distracts the referee and Show hits his knock-out punch on JTG while he recovers on the ropes, and that’s enough for the pin.
**1/4 Not totally bad, but not good either.  They couldn’t get a good beat going, likely due in part to the horrible LA crowd.

-Meanwhile, CM Punk gets uppity about someone making a screenplay for a movie on the life of Jeff Hardy.  “Live for the Moment: The Jeff Hardy Story.”  Named as such because there was already a movie called “Falling Down”.  Punk is pissy about how fake the movie is, just like all the people in LA are fake.  He’s the only real person in this building, and phoniness is a world-wide epidemic.  He then goes for the throat by saying how women by US Weekly so they can model their hair after the bitch from John & Kate Plus Eight instead of taking care of their kids.  Well, that goes against the logic that heels have to be big liars.  I don’t get why anyone cares about that Kate bitch anyway.  Judging from the way she conducts herself, she doesn’t seem to give two shits about her kids.  If the justice system wasn’t so fucked up they would have social services getting those kids away from those two retards.  Punk then comes dangerously close to turning himself into the #1 babyface of all time by saying that kids end up modeling themselves after those, quote, ‘dork vampires from Twilight.’  My kid sister Kimberly is obsessed with that shit.  I visit my mother’s house less and less because I can’t bare hearing about this shit, or watching it play on an endless loop in the living room.  Besides, the whole series is nothing but a thinly-veiled Mormon propaganda piece.  Anyway, he then goes onto talking about Jeff Hardy’s reprehensible lifestyle.  Punk is not preachy, he tells the truth.  He’s not a screen writer either, but tonight he will take a stab at it and re-write the ending to the Jeff Hardy story.

Apparently Jeff was already hard at work on an alternate ending.

Match #4
Kane vs. The Great Khali

Oy, this could be painful.  I’m actually fond of Khali, which I attribute to getting line-drived in the head during a little league game when I was a kid.  And the WWE has finally wised up and started using him as a babyface who doesn’t have to carry his end of things.  He’s the closest thing they’ve had to Andre the Giant since… well since Andre the Giant.  But they need to use him like it.  Have him just be the guy who shows up to tag with the plucky babyface.  Don’t treat him like a serious threat to anyone.  Make him a special attraction.  And for god’s sake, someone teach him how to throw a punch.

Jim Ross tells us the match will suck right out of the gate.  “Sanctioned by Dick Webber.”  Hey, leave Webber out of this.  Besides, Webber had talent, and thus would have nothing to do with a match like this.  Anyway, they set this up by having Kane wipe out Ranjin Singh.  I’m guessing this will end with Khali getting betrayed by him.  This shit is so coloring-book easy that Jim Ross should say it’s sanctioned by Schoolastic.  Kane avoids a lockup, then tries to slug it out.  Khali brawls him to the corner and gets some slow kicks.  Kane gets an uppercut, but Khali holds the ropes and dumps him to the floor.  Kane hangs up Khali, but then charges into a clothesline.  Legdrop misses for Khali.  Someone really needs to teach him how to sell moves.  I’ve heard he has problems with his facial muscles or something along those lines, but surely he can manage to wince once in a while.  Legdrop misses and Kane dropkicks him in the face for two.  Elbowdrops and Kane calls for the chokeslam, but Khali grabs the throat himself.  Kane fights out but eats a clothesline and an elbowdrop for two.  Well, at least someone taught Khali how to go for a pin.  Mounted punches gets two.  Clothesline in the corner while JR and Grisham mock this whole angle.  Khali peck-slaps Kane, and it’s actually the first move he’s ever done that didn’t look like total poopie.  Kane meekly stuns Khali with a boot to the face and climbs for the flying clothesline.  It hits for two.  And now to a chinlock.  Khali looks like he’s smiling in it, even though he’s selling it.  This goes on forever, then Khali fights out and shoots Kane off with a back-elbow.  Big boot and Khali tries to fire up the crowd.  Brain chop gets two.  50% of the fans actually pop for the near fall.  Head vise but Kane gets to the ropes, then drags Ranjin in the ring.  He holds him hostage, then tosses him to Khali.  Dropkick to the knee by Kane and a DDT gets the pin.
*1/2 Which is *1/2 more then I figured it would get.  Still terrible.

Montage of the non-celebrities attending the show.  Maria Menounos from the Today Show, Slash from Guns N’ Roses (a band so old the gun they’re talking about is a musket), and Robert Patrick from Terminator 2 and NOTHING ELSE!

Match #5
Shawn Michaels & Triple H vs. Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase

I’ve been pretty hard on Rhodes & DiBiase in recent reviews here at Pulse.  I’ve gotten heat for it, but I’m simply going by their track record.  Matches they participate in tend to range from terrible to just-okay, and that’s not going to cut it.  Everyone expects DiBiase to be the next big thing, and apparently I’m not seeing something in him because I just don’t buy it for one second.  Truth be told, I think Cody Rhodes is the more talented of the two, but his small size will keep him from being a serious contender.  Having said all that, I’ve been told by pretty much everyone that this match here was amazing.  Some told me it’s a match of the year contender.  It’s finally  time to see if it lives up to the hype.

DX gets the most over-bloated entrance I’ve seen outside a Wrestlemania (or Black Scorpion at Starrcade).  Pyro starts to shoot off, then a war breaks out at the entrance ramp, armed soldiers come out and shoot the crowd dead, then more pyro fires off.  Finally, DX rides out on a fucking tank, which they then use to finish off those in the crowd that the soldiers missed.  But it’s wrestling so they won’t be charged with genocide and the families of those lost will settle it in the ring with them in a huge 29,000 on 2 gauntlet match.  Guess who’s jobbing that one?  It takes more then six minutes just for Triple H to get to his opening spiel.  Meanwhile, somewhere in the back they’re rounding up Christian and Regal to have a word with them regarding the plans for their match.  By time Legacy comes out they get NO reaction.  Not that they would get much of one regardless.

Trips starts with DiBiase.  Lockup and they go to the corner, where DiBiase decides to throw a punch rather then break clean and gets smacked down.  Lockup and we go back to the corner where DiBiase slugs it out.  The referee pulls him off Triple H, leading to Trips smacking him down.  Whip to the corner is reversed but Triple H comes out of it with a clothesline.  Suplex and a kneedrop gets two.  Shoot off and Trips lowers his face into a kick.  Cody tags in and charges straight into a flying knee.  Cody recovers, then bitch-slaps Michaels.  We then have a long stall, leading to Shawn getting the tag.  Lockup and Shawn grabs a headlock.  Shoot off into a shoulderblock by Shawn.  Cody avoids a clothesline and fires off another bitch-slap.  Shawn gets pissed and spears Cody down, but Cody turns it into mounted punches himself.  Thesz Press by Michaels and mounted punches, then he fires off his own bitch-slap.  Shawn teases a superkick but Cody bails.  Trips tosses him back in the ring and Shawn goes for it again, but Cody bails out a different side.  Big heat for that, this time in a good way.  Back in, Shawn grabs a headlock, which Cody turns into a back-suplex.  DiBiase tags in and gets his nipples chopped off.  DiBiase whips Shawn to the corner, where he goes up and down and into a clothesline.  Mounted punches by DiBiase, then a tag to Cody who stomps and covers for two.  More stomping, then a scoopslam and a kneedrop for two.  Tag to DiBiase who drops an elbow for two.  Time for a chinlock.  I guess DiBiase has been learning stuff from Randy Orton, as he doesn’t work the hold at all.  Shawn fights out and hits a neck-breaker for a double knockout.  Shawn makes the hot tag to Triple H, only it doesn’t get that big a pop.  He punches at DiBiase, then slings Cody into the ring.  DiBiase kicks low and catapults Trips into the corner.  Trips doesn’t have time to sell such garbage and explodes out with a clothesline.  Spinebusters for all and Trips loads up DiBiase for the pedigree, but Cody saves.  Michaels dumps Cody with a clothesline, then Triple H backdrops Shawn over the top rope and into Rhodes.  Nice spot, but I’m seriously questioning the hype for this match at this point.  The ref is distracted so DiBiase blatantly punts Trips is in the balls.  Stephanie is weeping backstage as they had barely made a dent in their book of silly baby-names and the chances of finishing it just decreased.  We have a double-knockout, then Rhodes tags in.  Stompery, then a tag to DiBiase.

ATTENTION: Do you suffer from fatigue, sore muscles, or aching bones?  Call 1-800-WWE-RING to arrange for a short three second stay in the heel corner of our ring, at which point you will be instantly healed from all that ails you.  (possible side effects include compulsive overuse of punches and kicks)

Seriously, DiBiase is completely healed from the three seconds he spent in the corner and can come in and stomp like nothing happened.  They trade frequent tags to stomp away, then bail out of the ring to punch Trips on the apron.  This gets two.  Clutch chinlock by DiBiase.  Trips tries to muscle his way to the tag but loses his energy and gets grounded down.  He gets to his feet and fires off a back-suplex.  DiBiase makes the tag and hits a DDT for two.  Jack-knife cover gets two, then Cody throws on a front-chancery, though it doesn’t look so good.  This goes on a bit too long, then Trips backdrops out of it.  DiBiase gets the tag and knocks Michaels off the apron.  He kicks at Trips in the corner, then fires off some punches so terrible they make baby Ed Lewis cry.  BOO-YEA punches, which is weird given that the fans usually reserve that stuff for booing the face and cheering the heel.  This is the first time I’ve seen where the fans play along.  DiBiase wins out only to charge into getting dumped over the top.  Rhodes bails to toss DiBiase back in the ring, but he puts him too far away to make the tag fast enough to stop the hot tag.  Shawn comes in and slugs it out.  A pair of atomic drops to move into the FOUR AND A HALF MOVES OF DOOM~!!  Flying forearm and a nip-up, but DiBiase comes in with a clothesline before Shawn can take it any further.  Trips has enough of this and dumps DiBiase into the stands.  Cody climbs and whiffs on a flying elbow.  It looked good enough that Cody should consider that for a finishing move.  Shawn decides to show off his version of it, but Cody is up to crotch Shawn.  On a side note, what is up with Cody Rhodes have the Tri-Force from the Legend of Zelda on his boots?   Cody loads up a superplex, but Shawn fights him off, then has to wait awkwardly on the top rope while Rhodes positions himself for the flying elbow.  It’s actually a pretty slick spot in theory that just looked messy.  When Cody is finally in position, he gets his knees up and Shawn eats it.  They should have figured out a better way to set it up then it did, as I get what they were aiming for but it was lost in translation.  Cody covers off the knees for two.  Shawn snatches Rhodes in a figure-four, but DiBiase saves.  KICK WHAM PEDIGREE~!! for DiBiase but Rhodes saves on that.  Macho-Man style diving clothesline/bulldog thing to Trips, then he blocks a superkick from Shawn and hits his version of the Overdrive, which he calls the Cross-Rhodes.  Terrible name for it.  They should call it the Twisty-Neckbreaker Thingy.  This time Triple H saves.  Pedigree to Rhodes, while DiBiase awkwardly distracts the referee.  DiBiase fumbles his way into hitting the Dream Streak on Michaels.  Trips dumps him out of the ring and they fight over the announce table.  Rhodes and Michaels are both out and we get a nine count.  Both guys are up and holding each-other up, which Shawn Michaels turns into sweet chin music.  Horrible finish after such a hot sequence.
***1/4 This was the match that everyone was hyping endlessly?  For real?  Don’t get me wrong, good match and everything.  But all the problems Rhodes & DiBiase had before were still here.  These guys have no creativity as a team and don’t wrestle like heels.  And they STILL rely too heavily on punching and kicking.  If not for all that, this could have been a really good match.  The structure of having the young guys countering every attempt at a finish by DX was the perfect hook for the story.  Sadly, Rhodes and especially DiBiase failed to use that structure in an exciting way.

It’s been over a year since Legacy was teamed together and I actually stunned that the WWE doesn’t recognize that as a team, they don’t work.  They have no chemistry together and have failed every time they have a chance to look good when the spotlight is on them.  What’s really incredible is that the rumors surrounding the plans for Ted DiBiase have so much steam behind them.  He’s expected to receive a pretty decent sized push in the near future as a singles threat.  I’m hoping that the dirt sheets are dead wrong on this one, and I have (possibly misguided) faith that the WWE is smart enough to know that DiBiase is nowhere near ready for the kind of push he’s rumored to get.  People believe that because he’s in the upcoming made-for-DVD Marine 2 movie that the WWE will want him in the lime-light.  Give them more credit then that.  Cody Rhodes actually seems like he’s shaken most of the green off.  DiBiase still looks confused and out of place in the ring night in and night out.  He’s young and has a lot of potential, but so far his run in the WWE has been a disaster.  He’s got no move-set and stumbles through matches.  It’s clear that he’s not in a position to carry a match by himself.  Just look at his singles matches on Raw.  They’re tough to watch.  He’s bad at promos, worse in the ring, not creative, not flashy, and really not ready to even be in the big leagues yet.  I’m not saying he should be released, only that they should consider sending him back to Florida for a while, maybe a year, and get someone to work with him on having a bit of style in the ring.  Right now, he’s perhaps the most generic wrestler on the roster, and being generic in wrestling is a death sentence for your career.

Match #6: ECW Championship
(c) Christian vs. William Regal

Before Regal can even get his robe off, Christian comes in and hits the Killswitch for the pin.
***** An epic battle the likes of which you will never see again.  Non-stop action from bell to bell and easily the best match of Christian’s career.  Good timing, awesome psychology, an amazing pace, blah blah blah…

-After the match Jackson and Kozlov come in and kill Christian, then Regal slaps on his Regal Stretch.  Huge heat for both guys, so mission accomplished.

On a more happy note, the fans are clearly buying Christian less and less.  Thank god.  The crowd tonight is dogshit, but I’ve been watching ECW and have noticed that Christian is progressively less over.  I’m sure his marks will blame the booking, but the fact is he’s a terrible professional wrestler and most people are catching on to it.  He’s a one-trick pony.

-Meanwhile, it’s Summerslam day in the city of Los Angeles.  We get red-carpet shots of the wrestlers at a benefit for whatsherface’s charity, then the WWE gets props for their work with children from various celebrities.  Tatyana Ali is still hot as hell.  Then we have shots of the Axcess event.  The wrestlers talk about how cool all the fans are.

Match #7: WWE Championship
(c) Randy Orton vs. John Cena
REHASH OF: Backlash ’07 (four-way), Summerslam ’07, Unforgiven ’07, No Way Out ’08, Wrestlemania 24 (three-way), Backlash ’08 (four-way), Night of Champions ’09 (3-Way)

Sign at ringside: “Really Kreepy Oily.”  It could also stand for Randy Kills Ovation because he gets a meek pop on his entrance, then the fans go numb.  On a side note, what’s up with the shaved head?  I guess it’s supposed to make him look like a lunatic or something, but he ends up looking more like a goblin.  Cena gets a mixture of hate-hooing and cheering, with the haters barely winning out.  Orton gets mostly boos as well.  That’s reason #582 why this feud needs to be killed.  Fans in general like to playfully boo John Cena.  THAT’S FINE!  As long as the fans don’t sit on their hands that’s a good thing.  But you have to put him with someone that the fans want to see pummel him.  Edge, Shawn Michaels, Triple H, and even Umaga worked in that role.  The guys Cena has been paired with for most of 2009, Big Show and Orton, are not in that category, and thus his matches are suffering.  Cena was on such a huge roll in 2006 and 2007, and then the WWE stubbornly refused to turn him heel when he ran out opponents that would cater to letting him get playfully booed.  They shoe-horned him into a feud with Randy Orton.  The fans might still want to boo Cena.  It’s the hip thing to do.  But they sure as hell don’t want to cheer for Randy Orton.  It didn’t work in 2007, and it still doesn’t work now.  But because the WWE has changed it’s target demographic, they can’t turn Cena now.  He’s far and away the top draw for the under-18 set, especially now without Jeff Hardy, and thus we have to deal with him facing guys that most of the fans attending live wouldn’t react to.  If the WWE thinks they can get people to stop hate-hooing Cena, dream on.  It’s wrestling culture now.  It’s someone people do just because it’s what has been done for years now.  Hell, even I did it at No Way Out and I’m a Cena fan.  Booing him is fun.  People have a good time doing it.  It doesn’t mean they should turn him into a heel character.  Just put him with guys who the fans aren’t afraid to cheer in the process.

We start the match with Cena getting a waistlock-takedown.  Orton reverses and grounds it out, then we break clean.  Lockup and Orton punches Cena down, then takes him to the corner with punches and stomps.  One of the only things Orton does better then most people is stomp.  He should really teach Legacy how to do it considering that 90% of their moveset is stomping.  Orton gets arrogant and pussy-foots Cena, causing John to get pissed and spear Orton down with some punches.  Shoot to the corner and a bulldog for two.  Shoot off is reversed and Orton gets a back-elbow.  Orton kicks Cena in the gut, then just stands around a bit.  Ah fuck, it’s going to be one of THOSE matches.  He rakes Cena’s face with his boot, then uppercuts him in the corner.  More punching in the corner, then Orton backs away.  Michael Cole notes that Orton isn’t exerting much energy.  I agree, he is lazy.  Hard whip to the corner, then more nothing by Orton as he plays up his viper gimmick.  He stands around forever, doing nothing.  This match fucking sucks.  Another hard whip to the corner, then a whole lot more of nothing.  Orton’s busted his mouth somewhere in this match.  He fires off the Garvin Stomp, backs away to the corner, jerks off a little more, then hits a big flying knee for two.  That actually was a pretty good looking kneedrop, but this match is total dogshit in structure.  Cena fights back and the fans boo the shit of him.  Wrap-around backbreaker by Orton gets two, and the fans are getting more into Orton.  Why not?  Orton has barely done anything to John Cena, and yet Cena is forced to lay around and wait while Orton takes his sweet time going from move to move.  After all this non-stop action, Orton feels the time has come to take a break and he grabs a chinlock.  He clutches it on and takes Cena down to the mat.  Cena does a great job of selling it, holding his breath and turning himself purple.  That would be great, except Orton doesn’t even bother trying to make it look good.  Cena fights out of it and hits a couple shoulderblocks and the protoplex.  He goes for the FU but Orton shoves out of it and hits a powerslam for two.  Time to lay around for a bit.  Orton slowly gets up, then fires off another Garvin Stomp.  He then grabs the ropes and suffocates the entire audience by sucking all the air out of the arena.  If one didn’t know better, they would think that Orton was totally blown up right out of the gate of this match.  Kneedrop misses for Orton and Cena tries to fight back, then he whiffs on a flying shoulderblock and tumbles out of the ring for another extended nothing period.  After roughly twenty-nine years Cena climbs up to the apron, where Orton catches him and slowly preps him for the rope DDT.  He hits it, then slowly turns Cena over and covers him for two.  What the fuck is up with this match?  Did they visit the tar pits in LA and decide to do a match in honor of those creatures that got stuck in it?  I bet the upcoming Hulk Hogan/Ric Flair matches will move faster then this shit.  Orton calls for the Punt, but Cena moves out of the way and hits a blockbuster.  Cena climbs and hits the standing legdrop on Orton in a spot so telegraphed that it should have been sent by Western Union.  It gets two.  Cena calls for the FU, looking like a retard while doing it.  Orton holds onto the ropes and both guys clothesline each-other for another double knockout.  Yippee skippy.  Both guys stagger up and we have a YEA BOO punch, and the fans are clearly in favor of Orton now.  Cena wins out and backdrops Orton, who blatantly shoves the referee down and draws a DQ.  Lillian Garcia announces that she has received word that the winner of the match is Randy Orton.  What the FUCK?  Lillian fucked up there.  I’m not in favor of editing matches as a general rule, but this was a colossal fuck up and could have been harmlessly cut out of the equation.  Lillian then resets herself and announces that she received word from Vince McMahon that the match is to be restarted and if Orton gets DQed, he losses the title.  Of course, Lillian already announced how the match is going to end.  Thank god she’s out the company and we’re finally free of this shit.  Orton stands around for a while in disbelief, and then he finally decides to return to the ring.  The production fuckwits decide that the time has come to show the replays of Orton getting disqualified.  Orton stomps away, but Cena shoots him off into a side-slam for two.  Whip to the corner by Cena and Orton ends up rolling out of the ring.  Cena gives chase, but Orton throws him into the stairs in a spot that looked terrible.  Jerry Lawler sounds embarrassed to be calling this shit.  In the ring, that gets two, one, and one.  Orton decides to bail on the match.  BUT WAIT~!!  Because Lillian Garcia still hears voices in her head, and Vince McMahon has ordered the match to be restarted and now if Orton gets counted out he loses the title this time.  Orton comes in and gets caught in the STFU, kicks off of it, goes for the RKO, wiggles out of the FU, and gets the pin with his feet on the ropes.  BUT WAIT~!! because another referee is out to point out that Orton had his feet on the ropes, and the match is restarted again.  You know, this shit can work.  It did at Summerslam in 1996 with Shawn Michaels and Vader.  Here it’s a disaster.  I’m talking Titanic running into Three Mile Island sized disaster here.  Cena slaps on the STFU, BUT WAIT~!! because Brett DiBiase makes his debut and attacks Cena.  Security pulls him out of the ring and everyone acts all shocked, because he’s supposed to be like a fan.  The announcers don’t acknowledge him, and it’s played totally straight up.  An idea so incredibly stupid that I kind of hope it encourages a slew of dim-witted morons to run into the ring during matches in an attempt to get their fifteen minutes of fame.  Both guys stand around a bit, then Orton comes back into the ring.  Then he bails again as John Cena charges at him.  Cena reaches out to drag Orton back in the ring and eats an RKO on the ropes.  Orton covers and scores the pin.  All of that was for THAT ending?
DUD Summerslam has had some epic stinkers over the years.  Giant Gonzalez vs. Undertaker in 1993.  Undertaker vs. Underfaker in 1994.  Mable vs. Diesel in 1995.  Those matches are now all safely off the hook, because we have a new worst Summerslam match ever.  In fact, this match is now the clear front-runner for worst match of the year in 2009.  I’m sure the ignorant ‘smart fans’ will vote for Cedric the Entertainer vs. Chavo Guerrero from Raw because that’s the type of thing they do.  But this match was actually meant to be a big deal and it was one of the very worst matches ever put on by the WWE on a pay per view.  Atrocious and slow, with Cena overselling Orton’s punches and kicks, and Orton wrestling like he was wadding in a pool of molasses.  Even before the horrible ending, this was the worst match of the year.  The finish only served to launch this into worst match ever territory.  Both wrestlers totally phoned in the wrestling side of things and whoever came up with the finish should have been fired on the spot and blacklisted from the industry.  Don’t be a idiot and vote for a celebrity match… in 2009 it has not gotten any lower then this.

Match #8: World Heavyweight Championship, TLC Match
(c) Jeff Hardy vs. CM Punk
REHASH OF: Bash ’09, Night of Champions ’09

I have to give the WWE credit for at least showing SOME progress towards improving some of it’s foibles, as Hardy and Punk are both smaller guys who are given the top spot on the ‘second biggest card of the year.’  Of course, they immediately blow that good will by not making this Jeff’s send-off match.  Instead, they have him wrestle one more match on Smackdown, which was a polite way of telling those who paid for Summerslam “thanks for the money, retards.  Now fuck off.”  Lockup and Punk gets Hardy to the corner, brawls him to the mat and stomps the shit out of him.  He dumps Hardy to the floor, then grabs a chair.  He smacks Hardy in the gut, then in the back.  He grabs a ladder and sets himself up to climb for the belt, but Hardy catches him and yanks him off.  Twist of Fate is avoided by Punk, but he still eats a clothesline and some shots in the corner.  Momentum kick by Hardy, which is now apparently called the “Hardiac Arrest.”  Hardy climbs but gets kicked off the ladder.  Punk goes for the GTS but Hardy shoves out of it and sends Punk to the ladder.  Hardy preps a chair and goes for the poetry in motion, but Punk catches him and slams him onto the standing chair.  Ouch, that looked sick.  Punk slams the ladder onto Jeff a couple times, then fires off a dropkick.  Punk dumps Jeff to the outside, then hits a suicida.  Punk takes a bit too long prepping a table next to the ring, then puts a ladder on Jeff’s head.  Jeff wiggles out of it, then ducks out of the way of a murder-shot from Punk against the post.  Hardy whips Punk towards the stairs, Punk sticks the landing on the stairs, then Jeff smacks Punk with a chair as he comes off the stairs with an axehandle.  Poetry in motion by Hardy on the floor.  Fans are TERRIBLE for this match.  I get that the fans in LA buy tickets and that’s good, but don’t use them for pay per views.  They don’t deserve it.  Punk gets prepped on a table, but Jeff misses a splash off the top and crashes through a table.  Punk gets a 15-footer and preps it under the belt, but Hardy catches him and climbs over Punk to make a play for the belt.  He gets a finger on it, but Punk loads up a GTS on the ladder, but Jeff wiggles out of this and an MDK bomb.  It was off the bottom of the ladder, but still pretty cool.  I love that move.  Jeff climbs for the ladder but Punk pushes it over and Jeff wipes out in the corner in incredibly sick fashion.  Jeff was lucky he didn’t rip his hamstring on that one.  Punk sets up a superplex off the top rope and onto a ladder.  At least Jeff landed completely on the ladder.  Punk’s upper back has to hurt after that one.  Twist of Fate by Hardy, but Punk gets his knees up on a swanton bomb.  Running kneelift by Punk in the corner, but Hardy turns the bulldog into a back-suplex over the top and through that table Punk had prepped.  Punk actually took the bump feet first, and the replay made it look even worse.  That’s another problem with the instant replays.  Sometimes you see a spot that’s really spectacular, then the WWE shows a replay from a different angle that exposes how weak the spot actually as.  Back to the match, where Jeff climbs and but knocked off by a flying clothesline off the ropes from Punk.  CM Punk puts a chair around Hardy’s head and tries to ram him into the post, but Hardy fights out and goes insane like he did at Night of Champions.  He grabs a chair and tees off on Punk a few times, then preps a normal table, then preps the ECW table.  He smacks Punk with a monitor, then the chair a few more times.  Jeff grabs a HUGE ladder and we are set up for the Dr. Evil Memorial Overly Elaborate and Exotic Death.  Thankfully, the referees are smart enough to hold the ladder still for Jeff so that he can stand on the very top of it and drop the swanton bomb off the top of it and into CM Punk.  This apparently knocked the sound system out, as the announcers go silent.  Medics come in to stretcher Hardy out of the match while CM Punk is recovered enough to limp in the ring.  Jeff actually nearly breaks his neck selling the injuries and lands right on his fucking head just crawling through the ropes and back into the ring.  Punk is climbing, Jeff suddenly gets surge of power and they fight on the top of the ladder.  Punk wins a slug-out and Jeff falls off the top.  Punk then casually grabs the title and wins the match.
** I’m sure that score will open up a can of worms.  Big let-down, as they didn’t really do very much out there aside from two or three high spots.  And am I the only one who noticed they didn’t really do any drama spots with the ladder?  There was no sense that any moment could be the finish, and the actual finish was pretty weak.  Sure, the match delivered on it’s promise of Jeff crashing and burning through a table, plus he took some other pretty sick moves as well, but as a match it felt more like they were just checking stuff off a list.  It clearly didn’t feel like a spontaneous match.  And truth be told, I think CM Punk was fairly weak out there on this night, like he wasn’t holding up his end of the deal.  I’m a very big fan of his, but something was not right about his performance tonight.

-Meanwhile, Jeff Hardy is dead and CM Punk stands prone over him.  The lights flicker a bit and Punk is momentarily spooked, but he still stands proud.  Then the gong hits and when it’s back on Jeff Hardy is now replaced with the Undertaker, who chokeslams Punk.  Weird choice to finish as these guys had NO history against each-other and this type of stuff should be reserved for people who are already feuding.  That said, watching this I got a whacky idea for the Undertaker.  Since people already freak out when they hear the gong hit, they should give Undertaker the Money in the Bank win at Wrestlemania this next year and he can spend as much time as he wants tormenting the champions.  By time he actually cashes it in, they’ll be nervous wrecks.  Eh, whom I kidding?  That’s way too cool a gimmick for the WWE to actually do it.

BONUS FEATURE: A fifteen-diva Battle Royal is advertised but we only get clips of it.  Guest Referee Chavo Guerrero helps Beth Phoenix win, then is punked out by Hornswaggle.  Pretty fucked up to advertise that on the box.

BOTTOM LINE: Dolph vs. Rey delivers.  Everything else was either bad or a big disappointment.  I’m not sure what everyone was thinking when they were hyping up DX/Legacy.  I’m sure Dolph/Rey will end up on a compilation match someday.  Nothing else is really worth going out of your way to check out.  Thumbs down for Summerslam.

Is anyone having problems figuring out why this shit isn’t drawing money?  Someone needs to sit down with Vince McMahon and calmly, rationally explain to him what the word ‘stale’ means.  Use sock puppets if necessary.  Of course, one of the problems is they do fourteen pay-per-views a year and yet only have four guys at most near the top of the roster.  TNA is run by some of the biggest morons to ever enter the wrestling business, and even they recognized the need to cut their PPV schedule in half.  We’re likely past the point of no-return with the WWE.  They rarely, if ever, admit fault in logic.  So I wouldn’t expect them to ask of themselves “if Summerslam is the second-biggest show of the year, why do we give the fans even fancier versions of the same matches the next show, year in and year out?”

2001: Steve Austin and Kurt Angle wrestle an excellent match that ends on a screwjob finish.  The next month, they have a rematch that ends cleanly.  If Summerslam is a bigger show then Unforgiven, why does Summerslam’s match end inconclusively?

2003: Raw has an elimination match for the World Championship with an extremely flimsy ending that would not satisfy any fan.  They save the payoff for the next month.

2004: JBL and the Undertaker wrestle to a DQ.  A match with an actual ending is saved for No Mercy, the next Smackdown PPV.

2006: Edge and John Cena wrestle a pretty good standard match.  However, that was not the first match they had on PPV that year and the night afterwards the WWE announces that they will wrestle in an even more exciting TLC match at Unforgiven, thus rending their match at Summerslam pointless.

2007: The Batista/Khali world title match ends on a flimsy DQ, and they blow it off at Unforgiven in a more attractive Punjabi Prison match.

Actually, 2008 was done the way it should have been.  Orton/Cena ended clean and the Edge/Taker feud that began at Wrestlemania was blown off at Summerslam.  It wasn’t to last.  This year two of the three ‘big matches’ were redone over the next TWO pay-per-views.  The WWE hypes Summerslam as the second biggest show of the year, then sets out to prove that it’s anything but.  If you go by the evidence I presented above, it would seem that Unforgiven, while it lasted, was more important.  Of course there is no such thing as a ‘second biggest show of the year.’  Even the most die-hard fans have started to catch on that no one show is in general better then any other.  The WWE can hype shows like Summerslam, Survivor Series, or the Royal Rumble until they’re hoarse, but they don’t leave enough things settled from show to show to let pay per views in general have any sense of closure to them.  But hey, what do I know?  I’m just some hack typing shit at a computer.

But I’m a hack who used to order the shows live.  Now I wait for them to hit DVD.  Instead of paying $40 a piece of them, I pay $15.  That’s $210 spent a year instead of $560.  The WWE has lost $350 a year in revenue that I generated for them, simply because they’re half-assing it.  And I think it’s safe to say there are MANY people like me.  If there are nine others like me, that’s $3,500 a year lost.  99 lost is $35,000 a year.  999 like me is $350,000.  9,999 is $3,500,000 lost a year.  That’s a fairly significant chunk of money lost, and it’s money they could easily have just by getting their heads out of their asses and changing things up just a little bit.  There are a LOT of diehard fans out there who order everything the WWE has.  A loss of 10,000 of them is a loss of nearly six million dollars a year.

Give us something different.  Don’t tell us what WE want to see.  Let us fucking tell you.  That’s what we did in 1998 with Steve Austin, Mankind, and the Rock.  We, the fans, beat WCW for you.  Without us telling you who the real stars were, what the matches we wanted to see were, you guys would have kept doing the same stupid shit you always do: force-feeding us shit we don’t want to pay to see.  In 1996, the WWE told us that Marc Mero, Rocky Maivia, Savio Vega, and Flash Funk were our new heroes.  We said “no, they’re not.  Give us something else.”

It’s 2009 now.  You’re telling us that we can’t get enough of Randy Orton vs. John Cena.  Or Randy Orton vs. Triple H.  Or John Cena vs. Big Show.  Or DX vs. Legacy.

We’ve had enough.  Give us something else.

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