7. Lex Luger
Aside from Vince McMahon’s locked door sessions with Luger’s 8X10, Luger is, without question, the most worthless pile of shit to ever putrefy a main event match. His moveset , in an era of deliberately paced matches, was, even for the time, embarrassing; his promos cringe-worthy (“and these t-shirts are too tight Billy!â€) yet he was recipient of one of the most stratospheric pushes ever. This super-push, at turns maddening and pathetic in its obvious failure, was precursor to the John Cena holocaust we’ve been forced to endure for the past five years. I can’t help but wonder, had Luger succeeded, seizing the musty, oft flickering torch from Hogan’s geriatric paw, if Vince’s passionate lust for muscle-bound lunkheads would have been long ago satisfied and thus my world been saved from much rage and depression. Luger’s spot as standard-bearer for one of the most unwatchable period in wrestling history should be enough to forever banish him to Bow flex infomercials, if only his reign of terror had ended there. His relationship with Miss Elizabeth became infamous for the drugs ingested and faces pummeled. That it all ended tragically with Elizabeth dead, while Luger napped in his own vomit, is despicable.
6. Ric Flair
Perhaps the most pathetic fall from grace belongs to Ric Flair who went from carrying the NWA on his back, to selling t-shirts for $5 outside of a Virginian Wal-Mart. The Wrestler, seemingly fictional, is nearly a blow for blow documentary on Ric Flair’s life. . Ric never knew when to quit and continued embarrassing himself well into his 50s. [It now appears he will further tarnish his legacy by limping around a six-sided ring in the near future] Not only is this asshole a Republican, he supported Southern Baptist Minister Mike Huckabee for President of the United States. In my book, Baptist Minister is just a notch below pant-pissing epileptic on people most in need of institutionalization. Yet Flair, who once had the audacity to call Foley a glorified stuntman, thought Huckabee, a man on the verge of schizophrenia was fit to win the most powerful political office in the world. Plus, Flair accused Bret Hart of over-dramatizing the death of Owen. For this, Flair can get f*cked.
5. Bill Watts
Watts doesn’t make this list due to the fact he is a racist, homophobic prick. No, his spot earned due to the rut his simple-minded, nostalgic, stubborn ass insisted WCW remain mired in while he held the book. Granted, there have been many bookers who have done much worse than Watts. Though his biggest crime: unleashing Erik Watts upon the wrestling world will never be forgiven. That Erik continue to receive push after failed push despite not possesing a ounce of talent  within his body, was one of the more narcissistic booking decisions ever. It is not his nepotism, however, that makes me wish to stave in his head with a fire poker. No, it is something far more vile. He’s a religious (born again of course) Republican. How does a self-proclaimed cowboy endorse a party that has been gleefully slicing farmlands to ribbons in order to facilitate a corporate foothold in the agricultural business? Why, because they keep the coloreds good and jailed and the queers from offending Jesus with their gay sex. A truly pathetic human being I hope gets saddled with scrotal cancer.
4. Chris Benoit
How does a child murderer not take the top spot you ask? My view on children is common knowledge to most who read my John Cena article. They are parasites, leeching money and attention from parents until they grow old enough to shame the family with a porn tape or back alley abortion. With this in mind, I am shocked the Benoit tragedy does not occur more often. Whatever nascent bond exists between mother and spawn is absent in father-child relationships. To the un-feminized man, children are little more than confusing beasts whose parasitic neediness is exceeded only by their infantile narcissism. It should come as no surprise that fathers long to escape this dreadful domestic hell by whatever means necessary. In these post-feminist times, where men are scarcely allowed a porn collection or locked study lest he be branded a chauvinist and, by court decree, forced to fork over half his earnings to a twit he met busing tables at Denny’s, how else can a man escape such oppressive quarters? Most turn to drink, hookers and furious masturbation sessions with visions of the babysitter streaking across the mind’s canvas. Benoit, his wits tormented by erratic, drug-destroyed synapses, turned to murder. He’s a piece of shit for it, but at least he confined his horrors to two people. How can I pronounce him a most vile monster when George W Bush, a man responsible for the death of millions and the destitution of millions more, roams free? It’s time to put these deaths in perspective.
3. Shawn Michaels
Shawn does not climb this high on my list because he played a role in destroying Bret Hart’s career. He is a known snake, liar and most odorously disgusting human being. That he ruined another man’s life at the behest of his boss, earning a world title in the process (the same title he so reluctantly parted with in the first place) should be expected. Where Michaels enters the pantheon of wretchedness can be found moments after the Montreal Screwjob, where snivels ignorance to Hart. Hickenbottom’s cowardice is so pure and brilliant, he offers his children’s souls to the endless torment of hell all to avoid a punch to the jaw. While I may brazenly hope for the moment every Christian, Catholic and Muslim be round up and deposited into the nearest sanitarium, I can offer a tentative, bemused respect to those who follow it to the letter, despite the personal sacrifices they endure. Anyone who is willing to forgo sex until marriage, or abstain from the tempting kiss of a gin bottle because they believe Jesus, so incensed a snatch was so willingly offered or a bottle drank to its last drop, will descend from the sky on a righteous cloud to deliver the most painful of moral beatings, is worthy of scorn and ridicule, yes, but they also deserve to go about their wackiness in peace. Where I truly become enraged is when a so-called Christian or Muslim engages in murder, genocide, embezzlement, rape, assault, yet believes he is justified so long as he is at confessional first thing in the morning. Michaels is such a vile creature. He will lie, cheat, steal but hides behind his armor as a good, born again Christian once charges are lobbed his way. As he has been reborn, his crimes while a heathenish atheist cannot be held against him. Unfortunately, he remains, in my opinion, one of the top 5 wrestlers of all time.
2. Vince McMahon
Egotistical, delusional and ruthless; the closer this man gets to his product, the worse it becomes. Much has been written by people, who have first-hand experience with this man’s epic douchebaggery, so I will just say the sooner he is wheeled into a Hartford retirement home, the better for us all.
1. Triple H
His cunning is matched only by his gaping insecurity. Though he probably admits it only to Stephanie, in the quiet moments before he’s overtaken by sleep, a dark corner of Trips’ psyche understands he deserved but a sublet on the main event spot and had it not been for nepotism he would be little more than a fringe contender. He was several levels below The Rock, Austin, Hogan, Flair, Sting and The Undertaker and he knew it. His many title wins mean shit. I’ve booked myself as Big Cock Champion in the halls of my own lurid imagination yet when I unleash it on the high school girls across from my house, I’m still stuffed into the backseat of a cop car. If I were to lay the blame for the reprehensible state of Raw’s main event state, I would lay that steaming pile of shit and viscera bare upon Hunter’s doorstep. He’s clogged up the Wrestlemania main event for nearly a decade, bogging down this sordid business from evolving past the familiar. Are you tired of every match being wrestled WWE-style? Plodding, pounding, rest spots, chinlock, finisher, kick out, ref distraction, chair shot, pin? Well, ole Trips would have nothing else; as he knows he will be out-shined by those more creative, agile and durable than he. Please tear a quad and get the f*ck off my screen.
