Don’t expect the big issues to be discussed tonight. The fall out of Simon Cowell announcing his split from the series probably won’t even be mentioned until Hollywood Week. There won’t be tearful audition episodes with Simon giving his final scathing snide remark to ton deaf delusional superstars. He won’t be given a rocking chair from Coke.
Richard Rushfield in the Daily Beast reported that this split is a divorce of the Simons. Simon Cowell is upset at the lack of backend percentage taken by producer Simon Fuller. So instead of merely collecting a measly $50 million paycheck, Cowell will launch an American version of his X Factor. How much mink lined Q-Tips can a man need in his life? How much do Simon’s threadbare t-shirts really cost? For those curious, X Factor has no age limit and allow bands. Grandpa’s old college combo can reunite and make them some Susan Boyle loot!
Tonight is auditions in Boston. What are the chances that somebody will sing The Dropkick Murphy’s “Shipping Out to Boston?” That song does hold the unique honor of being the theme to a World Series title and a Best Picture Oscar. The last time that feat was performed was “Town Without Pity.”
Ryan swears that last year’s finale was a total shock when Kris Allen won. Really? We called it. Now they address Paula Abdul leaving the show without covering the pesky contract ugliness. They’re going to have numerous guest judges for the audition episodes including Neil Patrick Harris with the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders. He’s such a stud. Here’s Ellen declaring she’s the new judge from her TV set. No mention of Simon being gone. There’s a montage of nightmare guests. Somebody gets forced out by security. Let’s hope it’ll be extra vicious. Why shouldn’t music be a bloodsport? They want us to know these dreamers have dayjobs. One is a cop with a mohawk. When did that get approved on the force?
Ryan Seacrest starts the search in Boston. The rain pours down on the hopefuls as they sit outdoors in a football stadium. They had 9,000 people show up at Gillette Stadium. They have the idols show up at Government Center. Every hear the Jonathan Richman song about this place?
Posh Spice is the first guest judge. We’re reminded of her Spice Girl career and how she’s latched onto David Beckham’s to extend her visibility. Can you buy any of her solo records in America? Amazon seems to only offer imports of Victoria Beckham. Maybe Tom Cruise bought them all up.
Janet McNamara swears she studied with the American Idol game. This one is going to prove if the cyber Simon is real. The woman is wearing a severe muffin top outfit. It’s like the Curb Your Enthusiasm episode come to life. She does say, “Wicked awesome.” She’s full of pep and ready to rock. She swears they love her on the game. Simon wants her to imagine she’s on the game. She sings “Pocketful of Sunshine.” It’s beyond hideous and nasal. She stomps around like Godzilla. They need to recall the game since it’s obvious a fraud. She’s shocked when Simon tells her no. Posh says no. Kara says No. It’s over for her “wicked awesome” audition. She’s upset. She should get a refund for her game. She keeps referring to Kara as Paula. She will be missed this season. Don’t the producers have to pay Paula for being a recurring ghost character.
The storm has finally passed at the football stadium which is about an hour away from where they kids are auditioning for the judges. Maddy Curtis takes care of her family members with Downs Syndrome. She takes care of four adopted boys. She walks in front of the judges. She’s going to sing “Hallelujah” by Leonard Cohen. She’s got a full voice that reminds me of Judy Collins. She doesn’t go too high on the up notes. She has a sense of restraint. Simon thinks she has a bit of soul. Randy likes her and points out she stayed in key. Posh thinks she looks nervous. Simon points out that she’s not annoying for a 16 year old. She’s going to Hollywood.
A creepy guy who looks like Clark Kent on downers in the holding room. He’s upset at being stuck waiting since 8 a.m. Pat Ford is the most annoying kid in his blue and white outfit. He’s devastating Britney Spears “Womanizer” in a New Hampshire accent. He thinks he did “awesome.” He calls Simon “sassy.” Simon admits he ate lunch on his own in school. Randy tells him to stop singing forever. Kara likes the spunky kid. He swears they’ll see him next season.
We get a montage of women who made it through. A woman does a scat version of “The Witch Is Dead.” Jess Wolfe does “People Get Ready” with the faux gospel tones. Ryan points out that only girls had gotten the golden tickets. But we’re promised fireworks from the boys after the break.
Can the Rock become an even more pathetic movie star with The Toothfairy? I smell what the Rock is cooking. It’s boiled lard.
Amadeo DiRicco takes us for dinner with his loud Italian family. It’s a big meal that looks good. This guy ought to be auditioning for Next Food Network Superstar. He does Muddy Waters’ “Hootchy Kootchie Man.” He’s got a voice as big and thick as his body. The guy gets good response from the judges. He’s going to be the Jersey Shore element this season. Amadeo storms out of the room and charges Ryan as if upset. It’s big emotions from the guy. He’s pumped. Will he fist pump like The Situation? This guy will get a job selling sauce at the end of the series if he doesn’t win.
Derek Hilton is shown as a spiritualist guy with long blond hair and wind in his hair. He’s got to be doomed since he wants to touch numerous amounts of people. “Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Words” is his weapon. He thinks he sounds like Chris Brown and the Eagles. This sounds like Elmer Fudd trapped in a garbage disposal. He ought to be voicing a character on Spongebob. Randy wants to know who all the voices are. Simon thinks its complete rubbish. He’s sent home along without touching America any further.
A montage of losers being told no is rather tearful from the kids. Where is the free Kleenex? Why aren’t the sponsoring the Loser Lounge? Clark Kent is teased with his pissing off Kara. What did he do behind the doors? Probably pointed out that her winner song more boring than the last half hour of The Jay Leno Show.
The next contestant is about Mere Doyle, She fixates on making clothes for anime freaks. She wants to be a singer in Japan. She’s going to shatter Janis Joplin’s “Piece of My Heart.” Mere Doyle is from Walpole. This place is known for its prison. What she did to that song was assault. Simon says it’s terrible and she refuses to admit it. All her voice coaches think she’s got a great voice. She is in deep denial of her sledgehammer treatment. She’s in psycho shock looking at the camera. Kara just wants to give her a hug, but won’t. Mere is in tears outside. Kara is angling for that Paula compassion angle.
Luke Shaffer is scruffy with a stocking cap. Luckily his voice is spiffed up. Benjamin Bright does a snappy version of The Beatles “All My Loving.” This might be the first time American Idol paid for a Beatles song during an audition. As day 1 winds down, we meet Clark Kent. His name is Andrew Fenlon. He’s getting ticked off on all the waiting and talking to Ryan Seacrest. He’s got attitude. He walks into the room like he’s at the DMV. Simon asks him what brought him there to audition. Andrew doesn’t think it’s that great of a question. He’s going to do “House of the Rising Son.” He’s got a loungy voice as he does the Eric Burdon lines. Kara asks if he’s angry. He says he was sick of waiting. They don’t like his attitude. They are jumping all over is case. Posh doesn’t think he has the goods to back it up. Simon claims he would have said yes, but the other three thought he was good. Kara claims Simon might have an attitude, but he’s charming. Kara now says Andrew needs a spanking. Andrew deserves a slot on a reality show to fully exhibit his smarm.
Kris Allen returns to pimp a Ford hybrid based on the stereo system. Remember him? He was the winner that hasn’t had his debut record go gold.
There’s a lot of musical theater folks in the line. We get a montage of vocal floggings. Ashley Rodriguez is a music college student who actually sounds good on an Alicia Keys song. Kara loves her look and voice. Simon thinks she’s got “it.” Maybe she has that X Factor? She’s going to Hollywood and filed under the “Front Runners.” The last contestant of the night is Tyler Grady. He broke both of his wrists, but that won’t stop him from giving us “Let’s Get It On.” He’s a bit soulful and appealing to Posh and Kara. He ought to get closer to the table so they can stuff his jeans with singles. Simon swears he’ll remember this audition. Really? Did I miss the moment when Simon asked how he went to the bathroom with two broken wrists?
There’s a montage of people going to Hollywood that sung songs that must not have been cleared. Maybe we’ll hear their voices in Hollywood. While Kara berated Andrew for not understanding there’s a lot of waiting in the music industry, I blame the show. We’re supposed to think you show up at the stadium and get ushered straight to the judges room. What they don’t tell you is the numerous auditions with minor producers that you do at the stadium. Days later, the lucky few get to come downtown to meet with the judges. Although there’s another round of producers before Simon.
Day two has Simon and Randy running late. They blame it on Simon looking for the Boston Tea Party. Now we get a short history of Boston. Kids shouldn’t use this in history class.
Lisa Olivero is a singing waitress. She’s ready to serve America a toasty song. She does Mariah’s “Vision of Love.” She has a good voice but the song has too many pauses. Her voice gets worse as she strains for high notes. She falls for the “loud is good” trap. Simon expected more. She should have picked a more level song. Posh admires her ass as she walks out. Now another montage of painful contestants. Simon has issue with accents. One guys shows up dressed as a King.
Mike Davis is the captain of Codzilla – a stunt tour boat in Boston Harbor. Why would anyone give us Codzilla for a singing career? He gives a version of the Beatles’ “Yesterday” that sounds like a Gibb brother solo project. Kara wants to hang out with him. Simon says yes while leaving the table. Randy says no. He walks away and leaves it with the girls to decide. How can they deny Codzilla? Cut to the outside with Ryan teasing the guy’s family. Mike appears with the golden ticket. I don’t think he’ll go too far unless Kara gives him her hotel keys.
Tomorrow night’s show is somehow only 90 minutes. They’re throwing in a rerun of The Simpsons‘ 450th episode. Was the auditions
Katie Stevens talks about her grandmother that’s suffering from Alzheimer’s disease. She knows her grandmother won’t remember her much so she wants to come home to her with good news. They actually have Katie singing to her grandmother in the kitchen before cutting to the audition room. She gives a very pretty version of “At Last.” Simon cuts her off when she’s almost finished the song. She’s 16 and heading to Hollywood. She calls her grandmother with the good news. It’s the heartwarming moment that makes this show palatable. She’s in the front runners.
Joshua Blaylock arrives with his last try to be on the show. He does that Rascal Flats song. Simon thinks the voice would have been better when he was 14. He trashes the guy hard. Simon asks him to be assertive. Randy wants him to tell Simon to shut. It sounds nastier than it is. Randy drops Spandau Ballet in describing the guy’s style. Wow. Can’t he be in a Haircut 100 cover band? After all the troubles with the judges he gets 4 yes votes. He’s going to Hollywood.
A montage shows contestants freezing up and screwing up before the judges. A cowboy singer goes on about killing a man and his prison time. These guys a beyond bad. Justin Williams talks about his battle with cancer. He’s cancer free and ready to impress the judges. He’s from Utah so he flew a long way to get his chance. He’s got that lilting play in his vocals on “Feeling Good.” Randy likes the throwback crooner sound. The judges say yes. So he won’t be returning to Utah defeated like last season’s Osmond.
Posh highlights from her two days shows she’s a complimentary lady. The next contestant is Roberto in a sparkle vest, gloves and glittery sneakers with hair that looks like a pro wrestler hairdo from the ‘80s. He wants to inspire people like Michael Jackson and Adam Lambert. Simon thinks he’s too weird.
We meet Bosa Mora and his Nigerian family. His parents met and married in America. He’s got a pure voice without overplaying his hand. Simon finds him “good, but boring.” It’s 2 yes to 1 no. Randy must make the choice. He sends him to Hollywood. At least there’s one positive story involving Nigeria.
The auditions are coming to a close. We get a repeat of what we’ve seen for the last night. Leah Laurenti is our last visit. Her parents were very protective and went to church a lot. She didn’t hear much secular music. She does “Blue Skies.” It’s a bit jazzy with a good range. She has a healthy sustain on notes. Randy thinks its one of the best of the day. She’s going through with four yes votes.
Thirty One people were picked over the two days. They give a montage of all the winners. If you go to the americanidol.com website, you can see the names of those who made it. Tomorrow night, the auditions are in Atlanta. Guess it wasn’t that great of a selection since they’re snipping half an hour off.
The biggest disappointment is the lack of Dropkick Murphy action. The highlight was seeing Codzilla on the loose.
Tags: American Idol, Beatles, Godzilla, Ryan Seacrest, Simon