A hummer arrives at the Impact Zone! Hulk Hogan, Abyss, Jeff Hardy (w/facepaint), RVD emerge from the hummer. They are all here tonight on IMPACT
The new TNA theme music introduces the show, Mike Tenay welcomes us to IMPACT.
AJ Styles and Ric Flair come out to Styles’ music. Styles cuts a promo on Abyss and how lame he’s become. Styles says he’s the best wrestler and a gift from God. Flair takes the mic and is already turning very red. And he adds to it by re-opening his forehead and bleeding already. Yuck. TNA – where grandpas just start bleeding! Flair cuts down Jeff Hardy, so his music hits and here is Hardy, looking a lot like VAMPIRO. He has a ball cap on. Hardy comes to the ring to go face to bloody face with Flair. Styles runs Hardy down for doing nothing in TNA and being a nobody. Styles continues screaming and settles in on a challenge for a match with Jeff tonight. Crowd chants Hardy. “It’ll be a breeze” says Jeff. Bloody disgusting Flair screams more about Jeff sniffing paint. WOOOOOOO. Hardy says something about his “creatures of the night” then does a wacky scream. BLACK LIGHT ENGULFS THE IMPACT ZONE.
Mick Foley approaches Eric Bischoff and Bischoff immediately starts screaming. Bischoff screams about Mick getting shaved and being a good corporate citizen.
Commercial Break.
And we’re back to footage from EARLIER TONIGHT when the Nasty Boys and Jimmy Hart beat down Jesse Neal.
Nasties are in the ring, and they said they had a six man tag scheduled but now it would be handicap match ha ha ha ha. Oh man Knobs that IS hilarious. Team 3D comes out. They have a surprise partner to replace Neal in this unannounced six man match. It’s Spike Dudley! Everyone twitter your friends!
Team 3D & Brother Runt vs. Nasty Boys & Jimmy Hart
Match begins. Pity City for Spike. Welcome back buddy. Taz talks about the “arm cheese” there must be in Pity City. Taz mentions again how long he knows Team 3D and Brother Runt. Match continues. Runt with a double axe from the top rope onto Sags on the floor. Clunky spots in the ring. This sucks btw. Knobs hits Bubba Ray with the motorcycle helmet, then Jimmy Hart covers Bubba and pins him.
Winners: Nasty Boys & Jimmy Hart
Jesse Neal comes down for the save after the match, some tables come into the ring, and Sags gets 3D’d.
Christy Hemme talks to Angelina Love backstage. She challenges any Beautiful People member for later.
Commercial Break.
Jeremy Borash has Scott Hall and Sean Waltman backstage. They have a match against Kevin Nash and Eric Young at the PPV for a contract with TNA. Hall has a grey TNA sweatshirt that he drew “Wolfpac” in Sharpie. Classy. Nash and Young approach and setup a Nash/Hall match for five minutes tonight.
Ken Anderson & Desmond Wolfe w/Chelsea vs. “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero & Kurt Angle
Angle and Wolfe to start. Pope is selling an ankle injury. Anderson refuses to tag in and gets some cheapshots in. Heat on Kurt continues. Angle tags Pope who takes down Wolfe and goes on offense. Angle back in too, Angle Slam on Anderson, but Wolfe hits a DDT. Wolfe goes for a submission on Pope, who rolls him up for the pin. Not a good match.
Winners: Pope & Angle
Thankfully Wolfe and Anderson attack the faces to get their heat back after the match. Anderson attacks Kurt with the dog tags. So now Anderson got beaten down by the army, then pinned in this match, and that sets him up for another match on the PPV with Kurt? It makes no sense.
Commercial Break.
Beautiful People giggle to themselves in one of those mini segements in the commercials.
Commercial Break.
Hulk Hogan meets with Jeff Hardy and RVD backstage. They exit and Bischoff comes in. This will straddle Q3 and Q4 so he’s only missed Q2 so far. Bischoff loves surprises but wants Hogan to tell him about them or something. Hogan keeps talking about them being a team. Bischoff exits. Hogan “That was weird”. Yeah Hulk, but not in a good way. Just bad weird.
Angelina Love vs. Daffney
TBP come out and Velvet cuts a promo. Velvet introduces a one-night-only member of the group, Daffney. Daffney beats on Angelina for a bit as the Beautiful People watch and laugh on the floor. Angelina goes on offense and TBP interfere and the match is DQed. They wrap Angelina’s legs and crotch her on the ringpost. Taz “does that even hurt a woman?” Classy Taz.
Winner: Angelina Love by DQ
Beatdown continues 4 on 1 until Tara makes the save thru the crowd.
Still to come: AJ Styles vs. Jeff Hardy w/Abyss as the enforcer.
Commercial Break
Sting recap from last week. He turned heel again you see. Oh look at RVD get buried!
Hulk Hogan comes out to the Impact Zone. “Cut that damn music”. The Hulkster is fired up! “What down here last week was more than just a trainwreck” – That’s a shoot brutha. He trots out “Why, Sting, Why?” Why did you stab TNA in the back Stinger?? Hogan has the lighting guy put a spotlight in the rafters, and low and behold, the Stinger is up there walking around. Sting makes his way down from the rafters. Slowly. We can wait. Sting gets close to the ramp and RVD jumps him. RVD beats Sting around the ring as Hogan enjoys from inside the ring. RVD, ever the loyal lackey, sends Sting into the ring and Hogan has a bat. Bischoff comes out for Q5 and screams at Hogan to stop. Bischoff says Hogan’s not a wrestler and that part of his life is over. Bischoff talks about the promise of leading this company. Which of these old men will debate the other old men? Stay tuned to IMPACT
Supermex Hernandez approaches Jeff Jarrett backstage, and offers his backup. Bischoff comes over, of course, and says “TIME FRIGGING OUT”. He screams at them and makes some kind of match of SuperMex vs. Beer Money. Bischoff makes Jeff the ref of this match. Bischoff screams at Jeff for a while longer.
Commercial Break
Big Sexy Kevin Nash vs. Scott Hall
Imagine there was a time this was a PPV main event calibur match. Now it’s grandpa and the fat drunk. Sad. Toothpick to Nash! Nash goes to work on Hall. There are faint remnants of their signature spots. This is some kind of five minute challenge and Hall does some “slaps to the back of the head”. Nash with some knees in the corner. Taz calls it “vintage Kevin Nash” and claims to try to get vintage into every Monday Night. Oh Taz, so funny. Match breaks down with Waltman, EY running down. Waltman humps Young’s face. The BAND stands tall as their music plays.
Winner: ??
Commercial Break
JB interviews Beer Money. They cut another weird promo about being thrust to the side despite being the #1 contenders for the tag titles. Storm ends with “Sorry bout your damn luck” which was the first thing i enjoyed. James Storm Rulz!
Beer Money vs. Supermex Hernandez
Jeff Jarrett is YOUR special ref. Matt Morgan comes out and joins commentary. Beer Money beats down Hernandez in the ring. Morgan is heelish on commentary. It’s so creative to have the tag champs not getting along with each other. Hernandez gets a brief offense burst before the double team continues. Double suplex on Beer Money. Morga leaves commentary and doesn’t help Hernadez. In the ring, Hernandez goes for a border toss on Roode, but gets superkicked by Storm. DWI on Hernandez. Jarrett reluctantly counts 3. Pointless and bad.
Winners: Beer Money
Beer Money beat down Supermex after the match. Jarrett helps Hernandez and they clear out Beer Money.
Commercial Break
Bischoff in the ring to squeak into Q6. Jeff Jarrett’s ass is his next week. Ick. Bischoff moves on to another one of his pointless feuds, Mick Foley. He calls out Foley to the ring, where a barber chair is set up. Foley chant as he comes down to his music. Foley socko’s Bischoff into the barber chair. Foley grabs a razor and shaves Bischoff’s head. Unbelieveable. Seems like something you’d want to promote if you were TNA for more than 1 minute. Also this is a feud blow off in normal world, probably not in TNA though. CHICK CHICK BANG BANG. Bischoff wakes back up LIVID. Foley only shaved the top of his head.
Commercial Break
Christy interviews Shannon Moore, who cuts a promo. He represents the tattooed, the brood, the screwed. He will become the new X Division title. Doug Williams – Welcome to GLAM ROCK!!!
Motorcity Machineguns come down and they get promo time! Hooray! They put over Ultimate X at Destination X. We’ll be watching boys. We’ll be some of the only people watching. They run down Generation Me. Sabin is FIRED UP. Generation Me comes out to their music – Jeremy and Max Buck. They have a mic of their own! Who did they beat? They beat the MCMG! Shelley responds by saying they are good, not great. They are Xbox and GMe is Atari. He went there. Then he says they banged their girlfriends and things breakdown. Brian Kendrick hits the ring too. He must be in Ultimate X. Here is Amazing Red! It’s X Division madness. Here comes Daniels. Kaz is last, he has a ladder and rams it into Daniels. Crowd is MILD. No Bischoff in Q7, what a disappointment. Madness continues. GMe and Kaz set up a ladder and hold it for Red to do a somersault plancha onto the heels on the floor. Tenay’s voice goes into Dog-only frequency for the spot. Music plays! I think it’s Kaz’s?
JB interviews his buddy Abyss backstage. Pretty decent promo by Abyss. He’s gonna run wild (and crazy) on you.
Commercial Break
AJ Styles w/Ric Flair vs. Jeff Hardy
Special enforcer is Abyss. Non-title match. This is YOUR Impact main event.
Commercial Break
We’re back and the match is in progress. AJ chops. Jeff takes control and gets a 2 count. AJ tosses Jeff to the floor and Flair approaches. Abyss looms as well. Back into the ring. Great dropkick by AJ. Match slows down with a side headlock by AJ on Hardy. Back to the match and Jeff hits a series of his signature spots. Brainbuster by Styles gets 2. AJ reverses the Twist of Fate into a Pele and both guys are down. Ref is out, and Abyss looms on the floor near AJ. Back in, and AJ misses a 450 and Jeff hits Twist of Fate. Jeff goes up top and hits the Swanton. Abyss slides in and counts the pin.
Winner: Jeff Hardy
Flair has a chair and attacks Abyss across the back on the rampway. Abyss no-sells the chairshots and Abysses up. Points at Flair with YOUUUUUUUUUUUU. Then a chokeslam on Flair thru the rampway and Flair sells like he’s dead. Crowd chants TNA. We are outta time! See you all at Destination X!
