We are live with TNA Impact!
Christy Hemme is backstage with Velvet Sky and Madison Rayne
TNA Impact Opening!
Hulk Hogan opens the show to the live crowd, and he comes out with Abyss and Jeff Jarrett. Hogan starts. Abyss takes over. Flair’s music plays and he is wheeled out by Chelsea to the stage. He cuts a promo. Sting comes out and hits the Scoprion Death Drop on Jarrett. Desmonde Wolfe and Beer Money also attack, the faces are in trouble, then Jeff Hardy’s music plays and he comes with RVD through the crowd. Heels run off. It’s Impact and we’re live!!!!!
Commercial Break
When we’re back there is a match in progress
James Storm vs. RVD
Back and forth. RVD wins with the split-legged moonsault.
Winner: RVD
After the match Storm hits RVD with a bottle and busts him open.
Rob Terry vs. Homicide
Tenay keeps telling us to call our friends that Impact is on earlier. Yeah because everyone wants to see talentless roid-heads like Rob Terry squashing our favorite wrestlers like Homicide.
Winner: Terry
After the match, Homicide attacks with a chair but Terry no-sells despite being busted open. After he does this, Orlando Jordan’s music plays and he’s on the stage. He sprays himself with white goo.
Commercial Break
8 Way Knockouts KnockBox Showdown
Velvet Sky, Madison Rayne, Lacey Von Erich & Daffney vs. Tara, Angelina Love, ODB, Hamada
Two teams of four, with four “lock boxes”. They have in them – 1) Knockout’s Title 2) A contract for a match of choice 3) Tara’s spider 4) Forced to do a striptease on Impact. Once a pin occurs, the pinner and the pinnee are gone from the match but the winner get a key. Tara won the first key over Madison Rayne.
Commercial Break
We’re back. During the commercial, Daffney won the second key after Hamada missed a moonsault. More fighting. Velvet Sky beats ODB for key #3. Angelina takes the last fall over Lacey.
Winners: Tara, Daffney, Velvet Sky, Angelina Love
Apparently the lockboxes and key opening will be done later tonight on Impact
Ladder Match
Ken Anderson vs. Kurt Angle
Winner gets the key for their cage match at Lockdown. Entrances for both.
Commercial Break
Anderson attacks before the bell!
Commercial Break
Back after another commercial and Kurt setting up a ladder. Anderson attacks Angle with the ladder and takes control. Taz: This ain’t ballet. Anderson climbs the ladder and grabs the hanging key but Kurt grabs him and hits an Angle Slam off the ladder. Angle on the ladder and reaches. Tenay calls him “Curt Hennig”. Anderson comes in and pushes the ladder over and Angle flies over the top to the floor. Crowd chants “holy shit” and Spike is trying to mute it but missing by a moment so its “holy shit” “muted second” “holy shit” “muted second”. Angle on the floor. Anderson climbs the ladder. Angle goes on the apron, then up top and jumps at the ladder for a kick of some sort, and it knocks the ladder over and both guys are down in the ring. Angle up first, puts Anderson on the ladder and does a moonsault onto Ken on the ladder! Awesome!!! Rams Anderson into the steel post shoulder-first. Angle sets up the ladder and climbs as Anderson recovers. Anderson has the WARRIOR MEDAL. He goes to the ladder and awkwardly grabs Angle. He wraps the chain of the WARRIOR MEDAL around Kurt’s neck and chokes him from behind. Kurt is able to climb anyway. He is WARRIOR MEDALLING UP!!! Angle climbs, reaches for the key. But Anderson continues the choke, Angle cant get the key and passes out off the ladder. Ken climbs up and grabs the key.
Winner of the key: Anderson
They key is attached to a wood block that has “cage key’ burned into it. It reminds me of a bathroom pass in school.
Commercial Break
JB interviews Hulk Hogan about Eric Bischoff and why he’s not here. That’s Hogan’s business. Bubba The Fat Sponge comes over and boots JB and talks to Hogan. He wasn’t having fun with Hogan, it sucked, he likes the Band better. Then Jay Lethal comes over. He apologizes about Liz (25 years ago) and has Hogan’s back. He goes to get his MegaPowers tights. Hogan: GET MINE TOO!
The Band and Bubba WALK backstage.
Commercial Break
The four knockout LOCKBOXES are shown.
Christy interviews Matt Morgan. He claims as a team he himself is the Tag Champs. This goes on for a while as Christy tries to understand it. “But there’s only one of you standing in front of me”.
#1 Contender’s Match for the TNA Tag Titles
Motorcity Machineguns vs. Team 3D
Apparently this match happened on Explosion with a controversial finish so this is a rematch to determine the #1 contenders for Matt Morgan. Except that the MCMG already won that at the PPV in Ultimate X. Baffling. The controversy was a double pin on Explosion. Sabin and Bubba to start. Guns dominate to start including some double teams. Dudz get control back and hit Wazzup, which Taz calls “Yambag Yahtzee”. D-Von get the tables! Huge pop, they had been chanting for tables in the Impact Zone. They do again as D-Von gets a table from under the ring. The Band arrives and takes out Team 3D. Nash did it with brass knucks~! They go into the ring and beat down the ‘Guns too. Wonderful.
No Winner
Waltman gets spray paint and sprays “band” kinda on Shelley’s back.
Commercial Break
Nash has Da Stick. They might not sign the checks, but they are running the show. Nash thinks Hogan should worry about them more than Flair or Bischoff. For 15 years they have been carrying him. He says they ARE the show. He aburptly stops his promo. Wolfpac music plays.
JB is backstage with the Pope. He fights AJ in 2 weeks but tonight he has to face Desmonde Wolfe again tonight. Wolfe comes over with Chelsea. He thinks his win last week should have made him in the main event of Lockdown with AJ. Pope disagrees. They make tonight’s match for the title shot against AJ at Lockdown.
Tara is upset holding her key – she might lose her title or her tarantula OR BOTH tonight.
Commercial Break
Doug Williams comes out with a mic. He says the days of the jumping clowns are over. Goes on about this subject for a bit, calling himself the master of technical wrestling. He changed his name slightly to “Douglas Williams”. He set up a match against Generation Me.
Gauntlet Match
Generation Me (Jeremy & Max Buck) vs. Douglas Williams
Williams will face each of them separately. Blond Me to start. Moonsault out of the corner gets a 2. Tenay called the Blond Me as Jeremy so we’ll say that too. Cool springboard X-Factor from the apron for 2 by Jeremy. Williams hits a very cool German suplex for the pin on Jeremy. Max comes in next for the second part of the Gauntlet Match. He goes to work early, dropkick, 2 count. Goes to the top role, Williams kicks the top rope and crotches Max, who falls off. Williams gets him with a front face headlock submission and taps. Winner: Williams
After the match Shannon Moore runs down and breaks it up. Moore with a dropkick. Grabs paint or something from the Book of Dillygaff and goes for Williams, who flees. Moore grabs a mic and challenges Williams for a title match at Lockdown. At least Tenay acknowledges that Kaz is the #1 contender and wonders what he thinks about that challenge. Sounds like a TNA setup for a threeway.
Angelina Love ponders her key backstage
Commercial Break
Velvet Sky and the BP are worried about their key backstage!
Commercial Break
Christy Hemme interviews Team 3D. They have ice in ziplock bags. They call the Wolfpac disrespectful. In 15 years their paths have never crossed. They want them in the ring for next week on Impact. D-Von calls them a cancer. Oh My Brother, Testify.
#1 Contender’s Match
Desmonde Wolfe w/Chelsea vs. The Pope D’Angelo Dinero
Wolfe starts in the ring during the Dudleyz Promo. Pope entrance interupted by Wolfe on the ramp and brawling begins straight away. Into the ring and Wolfe is in control of the match. Pope regains control and hits a codebreaker-like version of the DDE for the pin.
Winner: The Pope
Pope celebrates on the ramp and AJ attacks from behind. Beats him into the ring and stomps him and then Styles Clash. AJ poses to boos. Abyss music plays. Abyss comes out and Styles exits the ring. Abyss taunts him but Wolfe attacks from behind. AJ goes back in. Wolfe has a fire extinguisher. Styles and Wolfe beat down Pope and Abyss. Another abrupt commercial
Commercial Break
JB on the stage with the four lockboxes. Velvet Sky, Tara, Angelina Love and Daffney from left to right. Velvet Sky goes to open her box… It’s an open contract! Any opponent, any time, any stipulation. Tara is next. Why would Tara want to put her spider and her title on the line in this match? Anyway she opens the second box and its… her tarantula! She’s super excited. However that means she loses the title. Daffney has a hilarious green dress and small leprechaun hat on. Angelina and Daffney go to open their boxes at the same time. Angelina Love wins the Knockout’s Title. Daffney has the striptease. She doesn’t want to do it. JB was informed that if she refuses she will be fired on the spot. Wow that’s like Rape-Stripping! Daffney goes to the ring slowly. She also has green lipstick and eye makeup. There is some weird music playing and looping every 5-10 seconds. Daffney takes off her hat and then 1 strap of her dress, but Lacey Von Erich comes down with the pink dildo “ugly stick” and beats up Daffney. On the stage Tara and Angelina start fighting as Lacey pretends to strip in the ring. Fascinating that they put the Knockouts in the main event slot but this is a mess. They brawl into the ring. Lacey prances around the ring as the other brawl. Velvet gets on the mic and challenges Angelina to a “leather and lace” match. That plus Team 3D vs. the Band next week! Goodnight!
